Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

Bella,

You sound far too nice...which is a good thing in the long term, but not good right now.

There is only one way to go here:

Get a lawyer.
Start the divorce process.
Talk about child arrangements as a business transaction, always keeping their interests at heart, but saying, as many times as necessary, that you will be good co-parents but that is the extent of your future relationship with him.
Ignore texts and e mails from him unless to do with children and divorce. Even then, reply factually only.
However much you feel, never show it. As far as he is concerned, you have accepted it is over and moved on.

You will have to, very painfully, cohabit for a while while the divorce is happening, but in a year's time you will be so much better and, probably, he will realise what he has lost. Even if he doesn't, you will know what he lost.

The alternative is letting him back, being suspicious every time he is on the phone or is not back when he says he will be. It will be living a life of abject misery.

Do what you know is right for you, regardless of how you feel right now.

Sounds like you’ve got the measure of him! Well done 💐

Sorry to hear what you’re going through @BrokenBella what a terrible thing for him to have done. I know it may seem so unlikely right now but you won’t always feel like this. I married young and my first husband was a cheater. I still remember the sickening feeling the first time I found out he’d done it and the feelings that accompanied it so I can truly appreciate what you’re going through. What I can recommend (with hindsight) is that you put yourself first now. He’ll be begging for forgiveness (as my ex did) but he’ll only be sorry because he was caught. If he was truly sorry then he wouldn’t have risked his family in the first place. I could go on for hours but now, 13 years later I’m remarried and very happy. I rarely think about him. If you decide that not being together is what you want then one day you won’t even think about this time, you’ll get through this 💗💗

Hmmm

You tell him you are not going to be a back up option and he loses his temper and accuses you of x,y.z.

You hurt is transitioning into anger, channel this emotion and use it to drive your actions. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Give the kids as much love and stability as you can, and I’m sure you do.

Love yourself, you are worth it.

Lean on family and friends.

Get a SHL to write him a letter detailing his temper tantrums and what you want - Everything and him gone.

Keep a diary and write EVERYTHING down.

Apart from the kids, do not engage with him, don’t talk with him, don’t listen to him. If he comes to the house and starts to talk to you, walk off, it’s only him trying to justify and validate himself and to devalue you.

Yes, the road ahead is long and daunting, but every day you will get stronger and more focused while he becomes more frustrated that he can’t control the narrative.

He’s not the man you believed him to be.

It’s probably god awful at his parents. They won’t want the cunt moping around for long.

Read the next sentence several times over:

You are a very special lady, a great Mom and a great future beckons. He is a cunt whose future may be his Mom’s spare bedroom and huge maintenance payments.

Stay strong.

You tell him you are not going to be a back up option and he loses his temper and accuses you of x,y.z.

Very true. He’s almost built himself up as the victim in his head. Don’t let him rewrite history.

The truth is, he doesn't give a shit about anybody but himself, the fighting over the children is just a crock of shit.

Tell him 50/50 childcare and as much spewing as he wants about being the perfect dad.

Utter turd.
You are way better than this excuse for a man.

Good you are on the road to not taking any more of his moping.
When he is angry about not seeing his children in his house... what did he think was going to happen ? He knew what he was risking when his balls were bursting this 28 year old...
You are just a rug for him to walk over? he has done this to you, he has done this to his DC.
He can't expect the unit to function as before.
The response to his anger, is Grey Rock.
OK,
No,
Really?
Uh huh,
Speak to my solicitor,
It doesn't work for me

the ideal is 5 words or less.

@BrokenBella

Sweetheart, hope you and the children are O.K.

Bless

Thanks everyone for your messages. They are really helping to keep me going.

I’m at my moms for the night - to be honest I need the rest and a break from it all. I’ve had to smother my feelings for 5 weeks and wait for moments when I’m alone or cry silently into my pillow at night to not let the children see. So I need some space for myself tonight. I’ve left the kids at home with him.

I’ve stopped talking to him. Minimal conversations and only about the children. I can tell he hates it. Fishing for information about what I’m up to and where I’m going. Get fucked. He’s lost access to me now.

I think the penny has dropped for me over the last couple of days. If he is not fighting for me then why would I want him?? This is all about him. His actions. His feelings. His future. No real regard for me. He is not who I married.

Trying to get some energy for this next step. I know I will get through it but it doesn’t stop it being so overwhelming and daunting at the same time!

Thanks again for all of your advice It’s helping!

@BrokenBella sending you strength and .

Going to your mums sounds like a stellar idea. Get some rest, get some tlc, get some alliance from your dm. Gird yourself for the next stage.

Even if you don't feel it, you sound stronger. Keep going. And remember- you will one day look back and this will be a distant memory- and have faith that you will be happy again x

Good I’m glad you’re putting yourself first and not doing the ‘pick me’ dance. Have you confided in your mum?

Yes this will be a distant memory in time, keep putting one foot in front of the other, you’re doing really well

Be warned he will rifle through your belongings and try and get information anyway he can.

He isn't fighting for you but won't want you enjoying life/moving on/dating someone else.

If he tech savvy be very careful indeed.

@RandomMess

Be warned he will rifle through your belongings and try and get information anyway he can.

He isn't fighting for you but won't want you enjoying life/moving on/dating someone else.

If he tech savvy be very careful indeed.

This tenfold 🌺

@RandomMess

Be warned he will rifle through your belongings and try and get information anyway he can.

He isn't fighting for you but won't want you enjoying life/moving on/dating someone else.

If he tech savvy be very careful indeed.

Be sure to delete your history on shared computers, re set passwords that previously were known by the family etc.

Try not to be petty about money, but at the same time if you are the main breadwinner, get an account, even something like Monzo our app based as fairly easy to open, and start putting your salary there.

Discuss the financial aspect, but ay least get it set up in case you decide to re direct your salary and shared finances.

@BrokenBella

Your words, in reference to him ‘ Get fucked ‘

I like it 👍

I think nearly all if not all the people on your thread will like it, maybe not the language but definitely the attitude......

But think on this: there are many, many women on Mumsnet, perhaps reading your post, who have been fucked over by lying, cheating, scabby men who are reading your posts and taking great inspiration from the way you are dealing with things.

You think your are not strong, but the reality is you are giving strength and hope to many others who are in a similar position to you and are following you.

The major difference between you and him apart from the obvious, ( You bring a decent and caring human being and him being a cunt ), is that you will get stronger, more resolute and with a fantastic future ahead of you and your children, but he will just get angrier, more frustrated and miserable as time goes by.

I’m pretty sure your mind is still swirling, but trust me, his frustrations and head - fuckup will exponentially increase whilst yours will lessen and you’ll eventually end up in a happy place.

It won’t be quick, and it will be a rocky road with many twists and turns, but it’s better than the alternative, a lying, cheating, two faced, self absorbed, selfish, cunt who has never and will never fight for you because he can’t see beyond his own wants and needs.

Be the hammer and not the nail.

Hope you're okay OP

Wow. What a ride. Just an update for you all that have offered advice to me.

We attempted to reconcile for a few weeks, I think on my part I was trying to do what I thought was best for the kids. Putting my feelings away in a box. And then it dawned on me that in reality it was only ever me that was trying. He may have been there in the physical sense of the word but his was absent emotionally. It was always me putting in all the work to try and fix what he broke. There was no real action on his part. And I could feel a growing distance between us. Words are empty. Actions really do speak louder!!

Long story short, I confronted him about his lack of fight and he admitted that while he ‘desperately wanted’ our marriage to work, and our family to remain intact, he still loves her. That the ‘love’ he has for her is “new, exciting and overwhelming” and he is scared of letting her go. For fear of losing her and what could’ve been. The big WHAT IF.

Done. Right there. I was done. No wife should have to listen to that. I realised in that moment that I would always be living with the WHAT IF. And the shadow of her in my marriage. Even if he was strong enough to resist the temptation of going back to her. Which I doubt.

So he has now moved out to his moms and I am left to pick up the pieces at home. We are getting a divorce, I have sought legal advice and have a good lawyer in my corner. Currently wading through the financial details to try and reach an agreement. This is the overwhelming scary part for me.

We have told the children (which completely devastated me and made it very final for me). As expected they are very hurt. But we have agreed to stay amicable for the sake of the kids and try and coparent with their best interests at heart. This is hard as I really want a complete clean break from him. I don’t want to see him at all. But I know the kids are more important and I will ever put myself between them and their Dad.

I won’t sugar coat it, I am devastated and broken. But now I realise that it is more due to the loss of the ‘family unit’, the future we had planned and the marriage I thought I had. It’s not so much about the loss of HIM. Which I guess it a good start.

Long road ahead, and I am feeling lonely and hurt. I have so many emotions to work thorough. It really is a rollercoaster. Thankfully I have a good support network around me and I know it my heart that I will be ok.... eventually.

I've only just seen this thread, and I've only read your posts @BrokenBella
I just want to send you support, solidarity and a great big hug. I think you're doing all the right things

You're right, no wife should have to listen to that.
You've done the right thing.
From your description, this sounds to me like it's going to be one of those situations where he will spend some time with this new woman, and then come to massively regret leaving you.
It's heart-breaking, but this is the power of limerence, of course.

You haven’t done anything wrong and didn’t deserve to be betrayed. It’s all him. The longer he’s gone from the house the better you will start to feel. Good luck with the divorce process OP.

@BrokenBella so sorry this has happened to you. You are absolutely doing the right thing and no, no wife should have to hear that. After those words were said there was no way back.
You sound very wise and insightful and have clearly thought it through meticulously. You have tried and can do no more.
I’m glad you’ve got a good support network, reach out and use it. Everyone who loves you will be desperate to support you and glad of the chance to do so. Take care of yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Loss like this is like a bereavement and can feel even worse at times.
Take great care of yourself and your family. X

Bella you are amazing, so proud of you and how you are handling this jackass. Keep us updated with your progress.

First full day and night without my kids today and I’m just feeling so so sad and hopeless. I can’t seem to shake the sadness. Struggling to get off the sofa if I’m honest.

Some days I feel OK. But mostly this week I am feeling pretty crap. I am trying to remain amicable - for the sake of the kids but I just can’t help but snap at him and be cold and frosty. I want him to be hurting like I am!!

He told his sister yesterday.... who immediately phoned me in tears with disbelief. She’s so shocked and angry with him as it is just so out of character! But He actually told her that “he’s met someone else and he’s in love with her, although at the moment they are not in a relationship but he believes the way he feels for her was worth breaking up our family”

Grrrrrrr I hate him for this. 😭😭😭

Oh OP your poor thing- his world will
come crashing down when he realises he’s in lust not love, the bubble won’t just pop, it will explode. When that pent up emotion, excitement & expectation in his head is replaced by reality, when it’s not a guilty secret anymore & he knows her he will realise what he has thrown away. By the time he knows what he’s lost you will have gained further insight into his makeup & will know that however heartbreaking it is now, he’s not worthy of your love or trust & you will be on a strong new path while he picks up the pieces of the mess he has created