Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

It's good if you realise you're not going to let him fuck you around or casually "choose" which woman he fancies. But boundary-setting doesn't mean refusing to do anything his way, either. It just means not letting him call the tune - e.g. you suggest how things might progress as well as him. You are in a crap situation and you're not going to just be able to make him, and the situation, go away.

There's a difference between setting boundaries and digging your heels in so strongly that he does the same and it turns into a War of the Roses.

Whatever immediate arrangement you come to now is not going to be for long. Lockdown will be over in the UK soon enough, the bubbles will go, his parents will be vaccinated. I know how horrible it is having the cheater in your personal space. But could you arrange for him to see the kids in the house when you are not there?

If it does come to divorce, again, things will change in future. I guess you are only in your 30s still? You'll both have new partners, maybe new jobs, and new homes, and won't hate each other's guts forever. You could suggest to your dh that you initially plan to stay in the house for the next 2 years, then review the situation at that point when you are both calmer. That might make him more reasonable. (Mine also flipped out initially, but was much more willing to discuss things properly after a couple of years.)

@BrokenBella

You are NOT ‘ Broken ‘ Bella.

You are Beautiful, brave, bullish, belligerent, angry fucking bitch Bella.

You are faithful and loving partner Bella
You are a fantastic Mother, Bella
You are a lovely woman with her whole life in front of her, Bella
You are a strong and coping Bella

However:

Your husband is a cunt.
His Mother is a cunt.
Your husband is morphing into an emotionally abusive, entitled, two faced, hypocritical, cunt !!!!

( Sorry about the bad language, but sometimes you have to call a cunt, a cunt ).

He reached out to her, after he said it was mutually ended, then he fucking told you he had reached out to her !?

How fucking mean, nasty and tone deaf was that !? Did he tell you to deliberately hurt you and put you down !?

JESUS CHRIST

( Sorry Lord )

What about reaching out to you and the kids !?

This alone, should tell you all you need to know. You really don’t need the sordid details. They are irrelevant.

You are in pain, hurt beyond belief, why allow him to hurt you and the poor kids, anymore !?

Tell him to enjoy his head space, tell him you need yours. Then tell him it’s over, stay at his parents and go to her.

I’m betting you’ll find she won’t want him.

Don’t be the poor substitute. Be the star player.

You are moving on and up without him.

Be strong.

Bless.

This is totally not true. Ask any divorced woman.

I’m a divorced woman! And I could’ve stayed in my old marital home till the kids were 18. I chose not to, but I had the right to. And my new husband is still stuck on his ex’s mortgage because solicitors - loads of solicitors- have told him he can’t force his ex to sell till the youngest child is 18.

I don’t know any divorced women who’ve been forced to sell the house, with young kids?

Sorry my post sounds so aggressive - I’m not meaning to be like that. But everything I’m reading here directly contradicts the advice I’ve heard from solicitors so I’m slightly baffled.

But in the final analysis, it’s up to you.......

If you choose the path of least resistance and end up taking him back, I just hope you make the bastard crawl on six inch, molten hot nails on his hands and knees for about..... oooooh the longest time.......

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't believe there has been no sex, you don't up and leave your family if there has not been that level of intimacy. I would allow him to see the children in their home if it is best for them but only at a pre arrange time and for a set time. He can't just come and go as he chooses. So for 2 hours 3 times a week for example. Get legal advice and make sure you are keeping some money in a separate account in case he decides to wipe out the joint account. Make sure you tell someone close so you have some support.

*I believe you would be able to stay in your home with just your children until they are 16 or out of full time education

This is total nonsense and I wish people would stop perpetuating this myth, ask any woman who is divorced and living somewhere small with her kids, because that’s all she can afford*.

I was told you are entitled to stay in the family home with children too - by a family Law Solicitor. Maybe advice varies but it's not a myth.

He’s told me that he is struggling with the idea that he has “ruined” me. (Yes he used that word) And that he has broken the marriage beyond repair. And that our lives together will only ever be toxic so what’s the point.

Absolutely zero fight. Coward.
Im starting to realise that he just doesn’t want to.

If the shoe was on the other foot he would have left and not looked back. So I can’t understand how I would ever begin to get over this.

And yes I may have been utterly broken but 5 weeks down the line I am starting to feel a bit stronger. And I know that I will get there. Whatever happens.

It is just very painful now to start thinking about the reality of what is to come if we do separate. Which I know is more of a reality now. I’m starting to let go of that little bit of hope I had. But the minefield of Childcare arrangements, separating finances, living arrangements is so daunting.

Part of me feels that he is feeling so ‘entiltled’ right now as he has only just started to face what he stands to lose (not me but everything that we have built). I feel like he has no plans to move out of this home. Even in the short term while we figure this out. His parents are unlikely to have him long term. And I doubt he will want to financial burden of finding himself somewhere to live. The idea of cohabiting makes me want to throw up.

Bella you sound like the penny has dropped and you are finding your strength, I’m so pleased to hear this

Try not to look at it as a mountain, break it down to steps, and take one day at a time. You don’t need to do anything all at once. I would start with the most important part which is protecting your earnings as the breadwinner - does your salary go into a joint account?

Try not to worry about the rest until you meet with your solicitor - they will assess your situation and talk things through with you, anything else is just speculation.

You will be better off without your husband, believe me. He doesn’t value you - his loyal wife who has raised his children and stuck by him, and even brought in the main wage. He sounds like a complete narcissist who only cares about his own feelings and deflecting any responsibility or blame.

Sending more and and

He’s told me that he is struggling with the idea that he has “ruined” me. (Yes he used that word) And that he has broken the marriage beyond repair. And that our lives together will only ever be toxic so what’s the point.

I think that’s code for “in order for me to decide whether I’ll come back, you need to prove to me that you can stfu about the affair, move on quickly, and act like it never happened”.

He sounds like a real self absorbed twat.

This clarifies the matter regarding the legal position of women and children. I've been there and this is what happened to me.

How will the Courts decide which is the right option?

The Court’s first consideration is always the welfare of the children in determining financial matters. It is not the only factor but it is certainly comes top of the list. This means that if the children are housed in the family home and the party who they live with cannot afford to buy elsewhere, a deferred sale or one of the transfer options may be necessary. This is particularly relevant if the children need to stay within a certain school catchment area.

Midwife

He really sounds a lot like my exh! Mine also took the dramatic approach about how dreadful he felt about breaking up our marriage - without ever apologising to me or the kids for his lies and other unpleasant behaviour while he was doing it. I think that he still saw it as a romantic Romeo and Juliet situation which was totally unavoidable on his part and had some unfortunate side effects, which he apologised for.

I feel like he has no plans to move out of this home. Even in the short term while we figure this out. His parents are unlikely to have him long term. And I doubt he will want to financial burden of finding himself somewhere to live.
Mine neither. But as I say, he moved out a lot faster when he saw what it was like living with a furious ex who would not leave him in peace, rather than any kind of quietly cowed and broken ex.
Point out to him that he's now welcome to see his OW (or hoards of other women) as often as he likes, and that that will all be a lot more convenient in his own place. He'll wise up.

@KitchenFairy

He’s told me that he is struggling with the idea that he has “ruined” me. (Yes he used that word) And that he has broken the marriage beyond repair. And that our lives together will only ever be toxic so what’s the point.

I think that’s code for “in order for me to decide whether I’ll come back, you need to prove to me that you can stfu about the affair, move on quickly, and act like it never happened”.

He sounds like a real self absorbed twat.

This so much !

My husbands's code was there 'was too much stuff' for me to get over.
Charming and totally throws the problem back at you.

Please don't fall for this shit.
He is still is weighing up his options or thinking of keeping you as a back up plan. So utterly selfish.
He doesn't even have the courage of his convictions.
Don't be an option.

This man is a twat, who has always had his own way.
Take the bastard down.
His mommy will look after him.

I’m so sorry op. Get a lawyer.

@KitchenFairy

He’s told me that he is struggling with the idea that he has “ruined” me. (Yes he used that word) And that he has broken the marriage beyond repair. And that our lives together will only ever be toxic so what’s the point.

I think that’s code for “in order for me to decide whether I’ll come back, you need to prove to me that you can stfu about the affair, move on quickly, and act like it never happened”.

He sounds like a real self absorbed twat.

This.

You’re not behaving as expected. You should be begging him to stay (in his eyes) and you’re not sticking to your end of the deal.

The crashing reality of what he’s done is dawning on him and he’s trying to make you behave in a way that eases his conscience so you can move forward.

@Sexnotgender

I’m so sorry what an absolute shit bag.

He doesn’t get to demand you leave the house so that he can see the children.

I bet he wants to come back to the house (and the OP to live elsewhere) because meeting up with the OW at her parents' place is probably not working out that great. And during the pandemic where else are they going to hang out?

I think you are right.

He lost his temper with me when I told him I was done feeling like an option. He then dragged the kids into it and told me that I can’t use them as a weapon and he will fight me for them

When the actual reality is, I’ve been very very accommodating and he has seen the children EVERY DAY! I’ve not once used them as a weapon and never would. They absolutely need to have a good relationship with their dad. And I would never put myself between them. He knows that and he knows that I’m not that type of person.

But I think he is trying to rewrite history in his head as a way of validating his actions. ..... If I become a bitch, withhold the kids etc etc then he has some justification for his actions.

Bore off hun. Find a new page in the infidelity handbook as this is getting predictable!!!!

Your hurt is turning to anger. This is a good thing, you've moved on a stage in the grieving process. Hang on in there!

Wow it didn't take him long. Yes he is being entirely predictable. The cycle will follow now. He will be nice, he will cry, he will mope, he will get angry again and so on. You have to ignore it all and get on with your plans to separate.

If he was genuinely sorry he wouldn't be like this at all. His relationship with his children is down to him. How he behaves is down to him. If he was genuinely sorry he would put them first but it's still all about him.

I do think it’s unlikely that they didn’t have sex. It’s common to claim sex didn’t take place, in an attempt at damage limitation especially if the partner who had the affair isn’t ready/doesn’t want to leave the marriage. Perhaps it doesn’t matter — what might be most significant is him loving someone else. It’s very hard. I wouldn’t try to continue, but different couples are capable of different approaches. Would some couples counselling help you both to work out what you want to do?

But I think he is trying to rewrite history in his head as a way of validating his actions. ..... If I become a bitch, withhold the kids etc etc then he has some justification for his actions

At the moment I think he's on the defensive - he'll be hypersensitive to things you do because he knows he's done wrong and is waiting for your judgement or is living in fear of retribution, so I think your assessment might be right. That's really hard to deal with if you're the one who's been wronged.

He may well want to work on your marriage. Maybe a part of him genuinely wants to turn back the clock and have your relationship improve in some ways. There might be parts of your marriage which he really loves, but something major was obviously missing for him and he's probably not being honest about that. People cheat either because they're not happy with their relationship and feel thry can't do anything to improve it, for revenge, for excitement, for an ego boost, or because they have bad self esteem. It's usually one of those anyway.

If he's truly conflicted it will take him time to mourn the loss of this relationship and get his head around the confusion of emotion he feels, but I think he has to accept that you need to move on. He's fallen in love with another woman. He can't possibly expect you to accept that. By doing so, I really think he will respect you less, sadly. You'll then be one of those women who put up with their husbands having an affair. You certainly won't see it that way, but sometimes all the other person thinks 'Oh, I did this & that and she's still with me....soooo......phew, everything's ok then'. That might be ok for a while, but it's a bit of a liability. He could be one of those people who seriously learn their lesson and never do it again, or he could be one of those people who are just a little more numb to doing it next time.

Try your best to inhibit any bitterness you feel when it comes to contact with the kids. However, if he's starting to get funny with you about the arrangements and you feel like you're being made out to be the bad one, I would definitely say something to him.

I don't think he will cry he sounds completely unable to see it from your point of view.
This man has no capability of true remorse.

You must have had a hard ride in your marriage and I bet you were made to feel everything was your fault.

He really is a very unkind man.

@BrokenBella

I think you are right.

He lost his temper with me when I told him I was done feeling like an option. He then dragged the kids into it and told me that I can’t use them as a weapon and he will fight me for them

When the actual reality is, I’ve been very very accommodating and he has seen the children EVERY DAY! I’ve not once used them as a weapon and never would. They absolutely need to have a good relationship with their dad. And I would never put myself between them. He knows that and he knows that I’m not that type of person.

But I think he is trying to rewrite history in his head as a way of validating his actions. ..... If I become a bitch, withhold the kids etc etc then he has some justification for his actions.

Bore off hun. Find a new page in the infidelity handbook as this is getting predictable!!!!

spot on OP 🌺

A little ditty for you OP

OP, he sounds like an utterly selfish twat. That didn't happen overnight. He was always that. Your marriage wasn't perfect because you were married to a selfish twat all along. Think back to past years and remember examples of him being a selfish twat. All the little things that you put up with. And resolve to yourself never to end up with a selfish twat again, whether him or anyone else.

It's time to get angry. You are doing great.