Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

You have the meaure of him, good.

Hit him with everthing NOW.
He made his decision, you now make yours.

You sound very realistic, strong and unwilling to fall for his bullshit.

measure

I love the test drive a life, analogy.
You are so right.

You sound like a thoroughly good and decent person. Despite his shitty behaviour, you had a life together, he’s the father of your children, of course you still care for him in an altruistic way........

But.....

When he’s shagging is his young bit of fluff, you and the children are the very LAST thing on his mind.

Next you see him and listen to his ‘ Oh woe is me ‘ just remember that.

Re the mortgage, I did this with my exh. We had the house valued and agreed the equity split in £££s. He then signed a deed of trust (via the solicitor) which meant he would stay on the mortgage but I would pay this going forward. But the important bit was that he wouldn't be able to claim any further equity other than what was agreed at that time. So any further equity would 100% be mine. He could claim his equity when the kids were 18 or out of full time education and only then could he force a sale. As it happened my career took off a while after the divorce so I was able to remortgage, give him his money and get him off the mortgage. His equity was a pittance talking into consideration the monthly payments I'd made after the divorce and house prices increases

@BrokenBella. I was/am you but 8 mnths deep.
Brief back story is, STBExH left 6 mnths ago, admitted after 3 mnths there was an OW but nothing physical had happened. Total BS !!. Has since moved county, sees kids once a week only, their choice due to ages. Told me the whole time he still loved me and always would? I assume to keep his future options open? Divorce held up due to finances but I have made it crystal clear I am no-ones 2nd best and nor are you!!
I promise you it does get it easier with time. I actually woke up yesterday and today feeling carefree and happy and my mind no longer drifts constantly to him and her and what they are doing, although I do find if 8 dont stay busy I still crumble quite quickly. All bridges are burnt as far as I am concerned and have been since he "came clean". We talk only to discuss children and re contact, they mostly share what they want to as neither is particularly interested in sharing as they feel unimportant in his life (their words) The pain that affairs cause is unfathomable to men who clearly have no moral compass.
Ignore the sad faces and broken down look he presents and broken look.
Its all utter BS !!
Really wish I could fast forward you to a time when this is better/easier for you.
Hit him with everything, legally that you can, he does not deserve any kind of an easy time, he has already been having his cake and eating it, lick the icing off his cake and grey rock him as much as you can. My solicitor advised treating my previous life in a businesslike way. Its so hard but helps.
Sensing big hugs your way and any spare inner strength I can muster.

@Darkosx3

I can assure you, as a man who loved his wife and family, totally, who was cheated on, who later became a single parent, there are many men who think that the pain of being cheated on and the emotional and financial fall out, that follows is completely fathomable.

Many of us men also have a perfectly workable moral compass.

As someone who hates liars and cheaters, whilst acknowledging that sadly, more women are put the ‘ cheating meat grinder ‘ than men, some women can be arseholes, too.

@Fabiofatshaft1
I posted late last night and reading back I can see it seemed like I was tarring all men as having no moral compass. That was absolutely not my intention, I meant the cheating men (and women) have no moral compass.
If they did, they should surely do the honourable thing and leave their marriage before embarking on a new relationship that causes nothing but heartbreak for the spouse (and children) who were until that moment blissfully ignorant of the deceitful nature of their partner.
Maybe thats naive of me?
I am sorry to read that you have also been in this situation and hope you and your children are progressing well in life. Parenting as 1 is bloody tough but I wouldn't change it, my kids are my world and we will come out of this stronger.
I know at some point I will be better equipped to focus on the great life we once had as a couple and family and not the hurt and disruption my STBExH is currently causing but its a long process that I am still working on.
Best wishes and genuine apologies for any offence I may have caused.
Darkosx3

Ps I agree both men and women who cheat are equal in being arseholes 😊

Amen