Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

[Annonymiss123]

People love other folk's drama, be careful who you tell. Don't drink alone and don't drink and text
Wise words from @S0upertrooper

As @Fabiofatshaft1 said, You are on the downward slope of the rollercoaster while he’s on the up, enjoying the ride, but it won’t last and you can wave at him gleefully as he slides down past you!

We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4
@BrokenBella You are blessed. You and your DC are what matters now - put yourselves first. He's going to miss out on so much through thanks to his lust (love? HA!).

I need to find my fire
You will! You've had a terrible shock and you're allowed to grieve, but don't worry, your sadness will soon turn to an inferno!

[Conkergame]

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

You need to treat this like he died (and in a way the man you married has ). Take your time to grieve. It won’t be quick but if you let the feelings flow naturally then it will be healthy and complete one day. Probably just about the time it all falls apart with him and the OW!

Sending you lots of strength and best wishes

[Ohdobequiet]

So sorry op x

[Fireflygal]

@BrokenBella, how are you doing?

[TrueRefuge]

Oh OP, I'm sorry to read your update. But you know what? You're feeling all the pain now but you will HEAL. This is the dark before the storm. When you come out the other side - which you will - you will know yourself so much better, you will know your worth, you will be able to look in the mirror and know that you respect yourself. You can sleep at night knowing you're modelling to your kids how they should (and shouldn't) be treated. This is like a broken leg; right now you're in Day 1 of your cast, and it's awful, it hurts and you can't walk.

Him? He's rotten to the core. He has a niggling issue that he's ignoring because he doesn't want the hassle. But one day it will explode and he will HAVE to face his demons, and when that day comes, he won't be prepared and he will break. Long-term, he is weak; you are strong, and stronger for dealing with the shit now.

Think about your kids. In a decade, they'll look at you with such respect and awe. I doubt they'll look at him that way.

The OW already felt guilt at not wanting to break up a family. That is a deep inner conflict. It won't just disappear. If anything, now it's real it will grow. The foundations of their "relationship" are already cracked. Once the hormones disappear and he's stressed about the divorce, and she wants to start seeing her friends again after lockdown and isn't fawning all over him, and she feels all the guilt at the pain she's caused, and she has to see his kids and hear about you.... It will all feel a lot less rosy and romantic.

Their time is coming, OP. I know you want it to be now, but just wait. The difference is, when their time comes, you will be the phoenix rising. You will have grieved and cried and ultimately healed that broken leg and you'll be dancing! And they'll look at you one day and in both their minds (even if they never admit it to each other), they'll say "What the fuck have I done?"

It's okay to feel weak and broken. But just know that actually one day you will be stronger for all that you're suffering right now.

[BrokenBella]

Thank you all for your messages.

I’m ok - up and down. I can feel that I’m getting a bit stronger. But I am quite fragile and very easily reduced to tears. 😭 I’m finding the fact that I had no control over this very frustrating. My life has been flipped on it’s head without my consent. And it’s left me in a tail spin. And I know it’s not my fault but I feel so guilty for my DC.

Not helped that he told me a couple of days ago that it is already the biggest regret of his life. But that he has broken us beyond repair and caused too much hurt to even try to fix things. That we are too far gone....Which I know in my heart but finding it hard to accept. My head is telling me that I don’t want the ‘half life’ of even entertaining a reconciliation giving everything. But my heart is aching for him. And meanwhile he is busy entertaining little miss home-wrecker.

My anxiety now is over money, finances and the house. I want to stay in the house for the foreseeable for stability for the kids. And I have thrown everything into this house so why the hell should I leave!!! He has agreed to this and seems very willing (for now) to support us to stay here. He will have to stay named on the mortgage which is not ideal - does anyone have an experience with this area??

He says I’m rushing into divorce (I haven’t filed yet, just in the financial fact finding stages and trying to agree things between us), but I want the security of a financial consent order rather that his ‘word’ which is worth shit.... especially as his priorities have and will continue to change in the coming months!

My dear friends keep telling me that I’m thinking too far ahead which is not helping my recovery. But I really hate the unknown and I’m trying my best to protect my interests for me and my DC’s future.

[Theoscargoesto]

@BrokenBella as I was told, guilt has a short shelf life so getting your ducks in order and an agreement early on can be very helpful. And you deserve that security.

Please get some counselling. I hear that you are blaming yourself and already thinking about whether what you do now will affect his decisions to come home or not. It’s important to understand that he decided to have an affair, not you. He decided not to tell you where things were going wrong before he got involved. He couldn’t see or didn’t care about right from wrong. Whatever you do now to protect yourself and your family is necessary but at some stage you may question this. Counselling to understand that you have done nothing wrong has been really helpful in my experience.

[tropicalwaterdiver]

Very sorry to hear your update.
However, try to take a step back and look at the situation from outside.
He is saying that you are rushing towards divorce while shagging OW. Does he expect you to stay married to him in such circumstances?

It's really not practical if he stays on the mortgage from many angles. He can stop paying the mortgage, you will be responsible for the mortgage and then later he will demand his 50% of house equity.
Have a look at different options here but you need to protect yourself financially and separate all joint accounts right now.

[PandaLady]

He is playing you op. It's already the biggest regret of his life but he has done too much damage for it to be repaired...bullshit!!!

He said this at the beginning and you gave him a second chance. The poor man couldn't make an effort because he was 'in love' with ow.

He is trying to manipulate you into keeping the bed warm for him, particularly by telling you not to rush into divorce.

I think you need to find your anger (I know it's really hard) but the last thing you want is for this fucker to nonchalantly ingratiate himself back into your life when it all goes (inevitably) tits up with ow.

I am very angry at him and wish I could just pm some over to you

[Onthedunes]

Oh Bella, you are stronger than you think

In all my years the one thing I've seen is that people who jack in their lives leaving children behind are weak, they are weak willed, have no sense of loyalty, duty or moral concience for the decisions they take.

You made that decision when you had children to see it through, bringing up your children in the best possible circumstances to give them an advantage of two parents together, that means jack shit to him, he is below par and not worthy of the type of woman you are.

At the moment none of that matters to you, but it will do. @TrueRefuge is completely right, this will impact his and her life one day, not yet because they are defective people.
They are beneath you... hold that thought.

His whining about having broken your relationship is him feeling sorry that he couldn't walk away without having you dangling on a string to return if things turn pear shaped. My partner said the same thing but he called it 'too much stuff to get over'. At that point he wants you to say or beg that you can get over it.

Don't, just don't, get that divorce rolling, get everthing you're entitled to and do not feel any guilt for going for the jugular.
It's very dissapointing realising the family man you thought you had, turned out to be a pathetic little turd, a feeling of I made the wrong choice, well you did, just tell him he is a dissapointment to you and your children and hopefully one day they may find, through you, a better role model to inspire them for the future, beacause he's not it.

I hope you're future one day includes someone who is strong and has the same moral fiber as you.
x

[BrokenBella]

@tropicalwaterdiver see this is where I think I need to get solid legal advice. 🧐

I want more than anything to stay in the house. I can afford all of the day to day bills (including mortgage) with the basic CSA payment from my husband. But then if he isn’t contributing to the mortgage what happens to the equity etc?? My solicitor seems to think I’d get a 60/40 split. But this was just an initial conversation.

The trouble is, in the eyes of the mortgage company, I would be very unlikely to be able take over the whole mortgage alone, with just my salary. Hence my thinking to keep him on the mortgage for now, as joint owners, for the benefit of keeping the kids in the house. I guess I was hoping this would be a compromise for us but perhaps I haven’t been thinking about the bigger picture.

It’s such a minefield. I really don’t want us fighting over money and getting to court. I’m hoping he will do the right thing by his children. But he has already proven how selfish and immoral he is.

[BrokenBella]

@Onthedunes thank you. I feel quite naive about the whole process. Mainly because we got together very young, age 15/16, childhood sweethearts. We are all we have ever known. I’ve been with him longer than I’ve been without him (17 years). So I genuinely feel like I’ve lost my right arm. Having a bit of an identity crisis right now!

And Also, partly as I actually don’t know anyone that has got divorced (what a sheltered life I lead!) So I have nobody to help me find my fire and give me any insight into the practical next steps to take.

So this forum is really really helping me. I hope to tap into the breadth of experience on here to help me get through this shitty time.

And I hope that one day I’ll find someone that is worthy of me and my DC. 🙏🏻 I am 33 next week so young enough to make a whole new life for us.

Thanks again for all of the advice!

[TrueRefuge]

Tropicalwaterdiver is right. The audacity to tell you you're rushing towards a divorce in haste while he's shagging another woman..... He is absolutely delusional! His view of women must be pretty poor....

As someone else, take advantage of his guilt now, but make sure you protect yourself financially. Your solicitor will help you figure out the housing situation; people figure it out all the time. Do whatever you need to do to stay in your house with the kids, without sacrificing your freedom and financial status.

Take care of yourself.

[feeficken]

@BrokenBella a lot of what your saying I can relate to I was with my wife since I was 15 she/we is all I have known for over 20 years so I know what it feels like to suddenly loose that, it’s almost incomprehensible at times because I thought we where going to grow old together. It’s really hard how cold they become like the past meant nothing and the life before didn’t happen.

This will be a time for you to find who you are again at least that’s how I am looking at it. I am 39 year old guy and I have no idea who I am at all, I’ve never been I, I has always been we so it’s daunting. Your on an emotional rollercoaster right now and it’s hard but your doing great.

[Sandra15]

Not helped that he told me a couple of days ago that it is already the biggest regret of his life.

The wankfox! Saying that to absolve himself from guilt. Ignore him and continue with your moving on plans. Your knight in shining armour is just a twat in tinfoil.

[BrokenBella]

@feeficken Exactly that! I have always had the security of feeling like I was part of a very solid ‘We’ that would grow old together.

I never ever though I had anything to worry about. Particularly as right up until ‘discovery’ we were as happy as we’d ever been (or so he made out) nothing had really changed (again so he made out). Still doing everything together, laughing, joking, family days out, date nights (hold the details). As well as having enough of an individual life separately with friends etc to keep a bit of independence. I was completely blindsided.

I’m now left questioning our whole life together. I don’t recognise him. And right now I don’t recognise me!

So sorry your going through this as well. It’s honestly the worst! What has happened to good decent, honest, loyal people!? 😤

[mcmooberry]

I think the 26 year old colleague might well reject him in time once the initial shag-fest/new relationship stage is over and, by then, you will be much, much stronger and wouldn't even dream of taking him back.

This sort of rejection is hideous, the worst pain ever, but you will definitely be happy again one day, and hopefully sooner rather than later.

[tropicalwaterdiver]

I've heard someone said that divorce turns marriage into business transaction - and that's exactly the approach to take.
While it's incredibly painful emotionally, you need to focus on practical things - those little things will keep you sane and you will feel back in control.

[Fireflygal]

@BrokenBella, my advice is to get legal help but don't tell him. If he seeks legal input you may not get the agreement that would suit your children. There is a mesher order, not as favoured as courts prefer clean break. If you could present a view of when you might be able to take over the mortgage that would help. He won't be able to buy whilst on the mortgage which is why it isn't favoured.

I get the emotion about the house but selling could be the right approach. Obviously it's all raw but in a years time you might feel different and welcome having a house that is nothing to do with him. If it's really unrealistic for you to keep the house in 3-5 years then selling might be the best option. You could wait for a 2 year divorce but that relies on being a decent man and being fair to you.

I echo what was said about affairs and it affecting weak people. Affairs are a symptom of a persons ability to handle what is going on inside for them. They seek someone different to help them change how they feel inside..it's self medicating but in a highly destructive way. It's why once a cheater always a cheater as they fail to handle uncomfortable emotions.

The 26 year old must not have rational family or friends as I can't imagine anyone close to her delighted she hooked up with a married man. Honestly her life isn't going to be good if she stays with him. Her carefree years wasted on a cheat and a liar.

[ladygindiva]

Echo pp. Regain control and instigate divorce. Make the decision rather than letting him yoyo. It will be hard but your self respect will thank you in the long run.

[Justtobeclear]

I have been in an almost identical situation and reading what you've been through so far broke my heart. These first few days/weeks/months will be awful but it really will get better and you will be stronger. I found it helped me to get practical. You may well find that he will turn nasty at this point but ignore it. Do the best for YOU. You don't have to consider his feelings anymore. Get good advice and do what's best for you and your children. Another thing I've learnt is don't bank on him getting real guilt or "karma" as he may well get into a relationship with the OW and it may last. It's awful to think (especially when she's around your children) but I had lots of people tell me that they wouldn't last/they'd get what they deserved but it just meant I held onto the anger longer.

[Fabiofatshaft1]

It would so nice if a decent, caring gentleman could take you out to dinner and told you how lovely and special you are.

Just to take your mind off it all for a couple of hours.

Mind you, your husband would have a shitfit thinking his escape route was being threatened.

[RandomMess]

TBH whilst he is wracked with guilt and distracted with OW is the best time to crack on and make a financial settlement.

Have you both had your pensions valued?

Perfectly reasonable for him to stay on the mortgage for a few years until you can increase your earnings to take on the mortgage on your own. At some point you may have to seek to pay him his share but how much that is in £ will also depend of pension valuations.

Could parents go guarantors on a new mortgage with you?

[Rainandspirit]

I am 2 years post “discovery “ this month. Like u I have been with “stbxh “ my entire life (17 when we meet and now 44) time is a healer . I will never forget nor forgive him for what he has taken from our family. But I am in the right head space now to deal with it. He will not move out. Will not except that the marriage is over 🤷‍♀️We have a few rentals houses so I have given notice to one of them (another victim in all of this) so hopefully I will move over the summer. I at this moment in time have a strong head on and hope I can go through with it . I know it will be the hardest thing I ever do leaving the family home. But it’s a broken family home and I will make a new one . Stay strong

[BrokenBella]

@RandomMess - yes this is what I have been told by my solicitor. Act now as guilt has a short shelf life and he will soon start to rewrite history and feel entitled... And then want to fight for what is ‘rightfully’ his 🙄

We have requested the pension valuations (CETV) but have not received anything yet. Mine will be pathetic but his could well be decent so I’m hoping that’s a bargaining chip for me when it comes to splitting the equity of the house.

As far as the mortgage is concerned, I am just waiting for my latest tax return to come back and I’ll make an appointment to see what my options are. A guarantor mortgage could be an option. Ex husband is saying that he is happy to stay on the mortgage and fix for 5 years to give me chance to increase my earnings and take it over. I just don’t know whether it would be better for a clean break!

He has actually just been over to the house - dropped the kids back and my son invited him in. He looks, acts, sounds utterly broken, lost and pathetic. He can barely look at me. But sits there telling me he is ‘so lost’ and so full of regret and shame that he doesn’t know how to fix it. But meanwhile I know he is seeing the OW. And he couldn’t deny they are/ have slept together since we split. So again, his actions are telling me what he can’t.

I’m starting to see straight through his bullshit now, he wants to test drive a life with the OW and keep me on the back burner with statements like “it’s the biggest regret of my life” “you and the kids remain my priority even though we’ve separated”

My heart wants to believe all that rubbish and part of me actually feels sorry for him (what the f* is that all about?! HE did this!) but my head is telling me to run straight to my solicitor and hit him with everything I have.