Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

As long as you sit there waiting for him to decide, he has all the control. You have already seen a glimpse of how selfish he is with his 'I have the right to be in this house, I have the right to see my children every day'. What about their rights? What about putting his children first.

If he's going, he needs to go. He is putting you through agony for his own vanity. Take control, file for divorce, get a mediator to help split assets and let him see you are not messing about.

You can stop the process at any time but you need to start it to show him you're serious.

Absolutely get legal advice

Oh what a surprise he's back in touch with her, how very predictable!

So you're expected to wait around dutifully while he decides who he loves more? And then if he decided that's you (and you'll never know if that's his actual feelings or if it's the path of least destruction for him), you just forgive and forget and move on?

This wasn't a one night stand, this was feelings and words and choices made over and over again. Not that one night stands are ok but I did forgive one of those early in our marriage and then he had a full blown affair 10 years later, which I just couldn't for the reasons above.

You haven't broken your marriage op, he has. Loving someone and having memories with someone isn't enough on it's own...I wish it was.

If you actually do want it to work out, then chucking him out is the best way to go about it. He will have more respect for you and will be forced to focus on what an idiot he's been.

Do his parents know what's happened? Have you told anyone?

My ex was messing about behind my back when I was at home with ds who was just 1. He would go to his brothers and meet up with her. He wanted a break and I said no it was all or nothing. He basically wanted to keep me on the back burner and at the house if it didn't work out. We broke up on July 29th he was in a relationship with his ex by the 3rd August. Men don't tend to break marriages up over emotional affairs its always physical affairs.

Well he's already lied and has gone back to contacting OW. Yes get legal advice.

I think he is playing the coward and wants you to make the decision likely so he can blame you for ending the marriage.

Please tell the DC age appropriate truth, don't think you can shield them from it stick to facts and what is certain.

Sounds like The Script to me. I’d put money on him having shagged her too, sorry. Men don’t blow up their families for women they’ve “passionately kissed”.

If you actually do want it to work out, then chucking him out is the best way to go about it. He will have more respect for you and will be forced to focus on what an idiot he's been.

And this. If you want any hope of reconciling he needs to lose everything to see what it’s like. Otherwise he’s just having his cake and eating it.

I’ve seen people recommend ChumpLady on here before. Maybe worth a look

How did you find about it OP?

He's got a nerve telling you what his 'rights' are.
You need legal advice ASAP.
I hope you're ok I really do. Be kind to yourself, it will get easier. Stay strong and you'll start to see what we can see and him for what he is.

He wants to see the kids every day? Wonderful. He can have them for the Easter holidays at his parents. Give him a taster of full parenting 24/7 which will also not give him time to "reach out" to the OW. Gives you time to see a solicitor. You don't have to start divorce proceedings but you can lodge something with the solicitor to pre-empt it I believe.
He's struggling? He's the one who has created this & doesn't care that you are in bits. Sorry OP, he's a selfish ass.

I found emails on his phone for the £600 gifts he had purchased. Gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking ‘maybe he bought them and then changed his mind or maybe they were for Valentine’s Day (weird as we don’t normally splash out for this)’ 🙄 It was so out of character for him that even then I didn’t really suspect it but something didn’t sit right. Only when I got some knock off perfume for Valentine’s Day did I suspect anything. I guess I was in denial.

He had had a phone upgrade that weekend so when he was at work I went through his old phone. Didn’t find much as I’m sure he thought he had covered his tracks well. But I found two love letters from her. Honestly the most brutal and heart wrenching things I have ever read. It was like it was a movie and she was big talking about my husband. About how she loved him but couldn’t be with him due to not wanting to break up a marriage/family. Ironically her parents are currently getting divorced. Go figure.

I confronted him that night. And I phoned her. Both gave me the same account of what happened. Both said it was a friendship that crossed a line two weeks before Christmas. That they really clicked and just ‘got each other’. Both have said they have kissed but no sex - to be honest I’m now thinking IF that is true it is due to lack of opportunity given that we have been in lockdown and she lives with her parents (she’s 26).

I can’t understand how he would want to throw away his life for this. Totally gobsmacked .

Oh Broken Bella, I'm very sorry.

You must be devastated, firstly allow yourself to get through the shock.
Keep eating small ammounts and drinking, you must rest.

Allow him to take the children, make plans for regular pick ups.
You need your strength to get through this, your mind will be going into overdrive with the options that you don't want to have.

He's a twat, end of.
What you want, can be left for another day but you are faced with not knowing what you want.
If he said all the right things tommorow would you ever love and respect him again, could you?
There is so much to take in and can be impossible to know how to play it.
We can only advise, but in my opinion he has stated the 'love' word about her. Not a good sign, what a fool he is.
Remember he has no idea what he is losing, caught up in his rediculous fantasy world.
Make his world a little more real.
Childcare and a definite appointment with a solicitor, tell your family, gain their support.
I personally would tell his family and anyone else who asks why he has left.
Tell the children.
Very soon your anger will kick in.

Bollocks that he hasn’t had sex with her
You don’t throw away a twenty year relationship marriage and kids on a few kisses and if was true then he is even more of an fucking asshole - I mean he might not even like having sex with her she might be into shoving toys up his ass 😂but he’s willing to throw away away everything on a few kisses .
Nah there is no way he’s not had sex with her and more than once
If I were you I would make him leave 100 percent .
Let him have the kids every weekend and do his fair share of parenting let him deal with the cold hard reality of what he’s done .
At the moment he’s at his parents getting his washing and probably all his meals cooked for him. He’s getting a decent night sleep and he’s free to live like a single man .
He can wander in and out of the family house and see the kids and pursue the other woman while living like a teenage boy in his bedroom safe in the knowledge that you won’t know what he’s doing .
Plus if it doesn’t work out he can come back
Honestly OP kick his scummy cheating ass put and let him feel the cold hard pain
Put in a claim for child support - that will shock the fucker and tell him your seeing a solicitor with regards to divorce and how to sort out finances
Oh and if you have a joint credit card and it’s in his name go and spend £600 on it for you and the kids
Or preferably use it to pay for some advice from a shit hot lawyer 😂

Oh and it’s it’s two weeks before Christmas that they said they first kissed that’s 4 months - 20 weeks that every day he’s lied to you
He’s capable of lying to you every day and will continue to do so if you let him

What he has done is disgusting

And he is keeping you on hold as back up plan. He doesn't want you he just can't be bothered to fully end it. He's not sincere in actually wanting to make it work and clearly he doesn't even feel that back.

Choose to be strong and independent. Noone treats you like utter crap and gets to hang around!! He can fuck off! Have respect for yourself ...

With regards to him seeing the kids. His parents won’t allow them into their house as they are not in their ‘bubble’. So he maintains that he has to see them here and I should be the one to leave while he is here.

Shall I force the issue and insist he can’t come here??? Today he got quite angry shouting “this is my fucking house and they are my kids. Don’t try and take them, I will fight you with everything I have”

This little outburst came after I said I was done feeling like an option.

And just to be clear. All of our finances are joint. I’m actually the breadwinner and pay quite a bit more into the monthly pot to cover the bills and mortgage.

26!

Tell him that’s really not your problem where he sees the kids as long as it’s not at home as he no longer lives there as far as your concerned .

He’s trying to keep you in your place as his 2nd option by shouting you down
He’s pissed off that it’s not working and that your giving him resistance . Your suppose to be quite and compliant until he’s decided what he wants to do .

He’s showing you his true colours
At least if your the breadwinner then your in a better position than most

Personally I would tell him that it’s over and your seeing a solicitor with regards to a divorce and you have nothing else to say to him .

I would reccomend if you have a joint bank account putting half in to your own account.

However this plays out, if he states he wants the marriage to continue it's going to be a further year maybe two, to rid this woman from his mind.
You really don't want to be arround to see that, you will end up detesting him, more than you do now.

Can I legally make him move out though if the house is half his?

I am worried this will be a sticking point as his parents won’t want him for long and he won’t be able to afford a place on his own and pay me.

I know it’s not my problem!

I have made an enquiry with a solicitor to find out where I stand. I need to channel the anger and not succumb to the utter heartbreak of it all. 💔

If he becomes aggresive phone the police, also contact womens aid, they may help to stop him from being so demanding.

Tell his parents and family nothing about what you are doing. Even if your relationship is good with them, it's important.

Oh I know this - his mom is a very successful woman and will be quite savage if it comes to it.

If your salary goes to a joint account, divert it to a personal one OP.

I'm sorry you're in this awful situation op.
You need to get urgent legal advice, and if you feel threatened in any way call the police.
You're right you need to channel your anger, you can scream and cry later. How dare he do this to you?!