Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

[harknesswitch]

She can be as savage as she wants, but that doesn't mean he'll get what he wants.

For starters I'd take have my next months salary paid into an account with only your name and transfer 50% of any savings into it also.

You can't stop him coming into the house I'm afraid and you can't make him move out. But you can kick off the divorce and either force a sale or buy him out. How he manages is not your concern OP.

[AramintaLee]

@BrokenBella

With regards to him seeing the kids. His parents won’t allow them into their house as they are not in their ‘bubble’. So he maintains that he has to see them here and I should be the one to leave while he is here.

Shall I force the issue and insist he can’t come here??? Today he got quite angry shouting “this is my fucking house and they are my kids. Don’t try and take them, I will fight you with everything I have”

This little outburst came after I said I was done feeling like an option.

And just to be clear. All of our finances are joint. I’m actually the breadwinner and pay quite a bit more into the monthly pot to cover the bills and mortgage.

This does not sound like a man who wants to make his marriage work - I'm sorry. All your updates seem to be about him agonising over what he wants... he should be doing everything in his power to make things right with you and it doesn't sound like that's what's happening. So I think there's only one way this will go. His little outburst indicates he could get nasty.

As other posters have suggested... please seek legal advice and make sure you know what your position is in this scenario.

Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve this

[ProfessionalWeirdo]

@MinnieMous3

If your salary goes to a joint account, divert it to a personal one OP.

^^ THIS.

[Drinkingallthewine]

Men don't say I love you to a woman they've just snogged.
Men certainly don't throw away a marriage, house, kids and all of that on a snog.

You can't force him to leave. Neither then can he force you to leave, even temporarily when he wants to see his kids.
But what you can do is consult a solicitor with details of your finances and assets for both of you, and find out what you can do.

[Outbutnotoutout]

He says that he wants our marriage to work but he is so conflicted with his feelings that he needs space and time to work his head out.

This is code for him waiting to see if she wants to makes a life with him.

Him getting angry, is you not accepting the situation, how dare you make things difficult for him.

Gather up all information, bank accounts, pension, also children's birth certificates and passports. Hide it all

[ThatOtherPoster]

About how she loved him but couldn’t be with him due to not wanting to break up a marriage/family

So she dumped him?

Men are ridiculous over women in their 20s. I’d guess the real truth is more like:

1. Your DH is waiting till he can shag her before he makes his decision.
   
   
2. Or he’s trying to persuade her that his marriage really is over and to get together with him, but she’s having doubts now it’s all ugly and messy and real.
   
   I just don’t think he’s wavering. I think he expected you to wait patiently and keep the home steady while he secured his step to the next one. Only you’ve found your backbone so you’re wobbling things instead, and she’s not looking too keen either, and his parents are giving him an earful every evening, so he’s starting to lose his shit.
   
   Basically, he’s having to face the damage he’s done.

[ThatOtherPoster]

If he can’t have the kids at his parents’ house, he should get himself a flat.

No solicitor would let you sell the house while the kids are under 18. You’re legally entitled to stay there till the youngest turns 18.

I also don’t think he has the right to live there if he has formally left, or if you feel threatened or unsafe with his presence. Check with a solicitor. Do you have any written messages from him about the split? That might help.

[ScotchB]

My heart breaks for you & I’m really sorry.

[Onthedunes]

If he is becoming angry and aggressive when he comes round an idea would be to record him with your phone when he comes over.

If you have proof he is being intimidating or aggresive you could get a restraining order to keep him away from the home.

Why should you now have to put up with his outbursts.
I thought he wanted to be away anyway?

Or is this just another atempt to keep the arguing going to justify his guilt.

[KarmaNoMore]

Op, you cannot force him to leave the house if he doesn’t want to, unless he is violent.

Bubbles work differently for separated parents, the children can visit at his parents if he is living with them. Besides we are not going to be in lockdown forever.

And just need to correct a piece of advice about Mesher orders (right to stay in the former marital home until the kids are 18). It is not an automatic right, far from it, you have to fight for it at a high cost (£1000s). Someone told me she spent a lot of money fighting for the right to stay in the house just to find out she couldn’t afford to take over the mortgage on her own when she got it, so the house had to be sold anyway. I fought for a Mesher order as well but didn’t get one, the court ordered for the house to be sold but, with the combination of maintenance payments and getting a higher percentage of the equity given my lower income, I managed to buy him out. Mesher orders are only an option if there is enough income to house both parties at the same level as the courts will want to leave both parties in an equal footing for the sake of the children.

But you shouldn’t be worrying about that just yet, this is a separation not divorce yet, just tell him you need space to clear your head and decide if you can forgive him. Tell him to give you a month and take it from there.

[KarmaNoMore]

Ps. I bet you have always being so accommodating to his needs and whims, he is shocked to see you can say “no” too. The fact he thinks it is his right for you to put up with him while he chooses between you and her is a bad sign. I can assure you that he is not the nice team player you thought he was, but a selfish bastard who was only nice because he has not had anything to complain about until now.

[Howshouldibehave]

No solicitor would let you sell the house while the kids are under 18. You’re legally entitled to stay there till the youngest turns 18

I don’t think this is true. OP-I think you need some accurate advice about the house. It will probably be the case that it needs to be sold and the proceeds so that both of you can afford to live somewhere.

If he can’t have the kids at his mum’s house, I’d be suggesting he takes them out to the park. He’s been having an affair, I wouldn’t be making things easy for him at the moment.

I’d make him see that if he twatted around with another woman, I wouldn’t be waiting for him to come back.

[whitespotsgreenleaves]

Different point of view. They are his kids. Don't make them pawns in all this. They should be seeing their dad, and if he can't take them to his parents it is reasonable for him to see them in a house he jointly owns with you. Your focus here has to be on what is best for the kids.

[Shrivelled]

So shocked that even after being found out he’s making it all about himself and his feelings! What a massive steaming turd of a husband. Sorry you’re going through this

[Bluntness100]

No solicitor would let you sell the house while the kids are under 18. You’re legally entitled to stay there till the youngest turns 18

This is totally not true. Ask any divorced woman.

[Ginmonkey84]

I’m so sorry OP but the likelihood of a sexually active man falling in love with a woman based solely on an emotional affair is extremely slim. They have told both this story to minimise what they have done makes all a bit less shit in their eyes. He’s been sexually involved in some way with her.

You deserve better. Please don’t allow him to make you an option. If you and your children are not his priority (and clearly your not) move on. He doesn’t deserve you x

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Sorry he is continuing to be an arse op.

I told my ex husband to leave the day I found out and he went to stay with his mum, where he took the kids, until he found a rental property. His is still there now and I am in the house but it’s not a massive house and we have two kids and 3 bedrooms so I can’t really downsize. I work but wouldn’t be given the mortgage in just my salary so he is still on the mortgage and giving me what I need to be able to keep the kids here.

He was a shit husband but isn’t a bad guy. I guess I’m lucky in some ways, although it doesn’t feel like it when I think about what happened.

I would definitely get some legal advice but under the circumstances your in laws sound very unreasonable about your kids going there and it sounds like they are doing it to get you to take him back.

[DonnaDonna01]

Get legal advise ASAP, get your salary paid into an account that is just yours then transfer the required amount into the joint. Get your ducks lined up, tell him and his family nothing.

[RandomMess]

You both have equal rights to live in the house.

Whose name is the child benefit in because unless proven otherwise that is the main indicator in who is the primary parent.

If he moves back in live completely separately no shared laundry, shopping, cooking etc. If you are on low incomes you can start claiming as a single parent but only IF you are living separately under the same roof - UC may not be keen but you can.

You need to decide how you are splitting the care of the DC up - 50:50 (each has child benefit for one) or one of you be 60:40 (say) and has child benefit for both and claims CMS off the other.

Lots of important things you need to decide and act on quickly. It may mean your DV sharing a bedroom if you only have a 3 bed house or he moves back in and sleeps on the sofa - put a lock on your bedroom door???

[toocold54]

I think I would have preferred if he had a sexual relationship with someone without the feelings and saying they’re in love that would hurt me the most. And then the blow of HIM needing space surely he should be at home begging for your forgiveness.

I would be more strict about him coming in to the home and tell him that you don’t want to be with him anymore. Even if you decided to one day get back with him I think he needs to know you’re not an option or a back up plan if the other women don’t be with him.

[Sexnotgender]

I’m so sorry what an absolute shit bag.

He doesn’t get to demand you leave the house so that he can see the children.

[Doomsdayiscoming]

26. Obviously he’s the villain here, but what on earth is in it for her? Sugar daddy I guess. Men are so dumb.

[Bettina500]

I'd be sorting the bank account out pretty sharpish. Both people have access to the funds of a joint account without the permission of the other person, he could clear it out. I would get your own account open and move across anything that's yours as soon as possible

[BrokenBella]

The night time is the worst!! I can go all day feeling quite strong and then I absolutely crumble at night. How long does this up and down rollercoaster really last??

I can’t eat, sleep or really function properly at the moment. 💔 I know I need to look after me and I am trying. I’m reaching out to friends and family, having counselling and I’m in touch with my GP. But god this is hard. I can’t imagine I can cope with the pain for much longer. It’s been 5 weeks. The first two weeks were pretty awful and then this last week with his shitty behaviour has been awful too. I thought I was making good progress but I feel I am back to square one.

And I now recognise that it’s because I am allowing him to fuck with my head.

Any tips for getting past this initial stage??
I want to be strong and well to fight the next stage of this.

[Onthedunes]

Have you actually been in contact with his parents?
If not it may be worth a text to ask them if the children can visit at their house.
Tell them you would rather not see him at the moment as he is in love with another woman and is having an affair.

They actually may not even know. Don't automatically believe anything he tells you about any conversations he's had with others.

Not a word.