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Original poster

Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

617 replies

Notlong2go · 24/03/2021 22:29

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 25/03/2021 06:23

@Thatwentbadly she doesn't need to argue anything.

Until the baby is over a year, so a toddler, the Court wouldn't expect him to spend overnights away from his primary carer regardless of how he is fed.

It would be expected that the baby spend an hour or so every couple of days with the father. Then decreasing frequency but increasing time spend e.g. up to 8 hours every Saturday by the time the baby is a toddler.

It's only if the OP starts being difficult about the now toddler spending overnights with his father, that's when things will be Court Ordered.

Also while a social worker/contact centre may be originally ordered for the supervision as long as he isn't physically abusing them or ignoring them, he will soon be allowed to have both children back in his home. If his parents are not neglectful and actually helping to take care of the children then it is better for the children's sake to actually ensure the contact is done there from the beginning.

However it should be noted that the OP has her head screwed on about what is a decent amount of age appropriate contact for her children with their father. It is just the father who thinks he owns the children and doesn't consider their well-being.

OP the thing you need to remember is you can't control how he parents the children when they are not with you. So don't not get into arguments about it.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 25/03/2021 06:24

Yeah, I would go over when you know he is at work. Knock on the door (cover the peep hole if there is one so they don't see you and not answer the door) and as soon as they open the door, barge right in, don't give them a chance to close the door on you and phone him to come back. Grab your son and leave.

NCNCNNC · 25/03/2021 06:25

There definitely should be some sort of order in place so both children can spend time with both parents. Language like "my baby" isn't helpful though. He is your baby - as in both of yours and children need to be given the opportunity to have a relationship with both parents if possible. If you can't sort it between you without shouting or withholding children from one another, let a court decide.

Lentillover1900 · 25/03/2021 06:30

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Yeah, I would go over when you know he is at work. Knock on the door (cover the peep hole if there is one so they don't see you and not answer the door) and as soon as they open the door, barge right in, don't give them a chance to close the door on you and phone him to come back. Grab your son and leave.
Do not Under any circumstances Do this
Supersalty · 25/03/2021 06:34

Nothing to add other than I hope you’re ok OP and you get your child back x

UCOinaUCG · 25/03/2021 06:34

There is a lot of dangerous advice on this thread. The OP need legal advice as the first line of action. Hopefully she will get her DS back soon.

LakieLady · 25/03/2021 06:40

@Notanaturalm

This isn't great advice so I don't expect you to do it but if it were me I would tell him whatever he wanted to hear in order to bring your eldest home, as soon as you have him back in your care shut the door and tell him to do one. How nasty can somebody be to keep a toddler away from his mum out of spite.

Let him be the one to approach the court and when he does make sure you have all of his messages at the ready.

Might not be great advice, but that's exactly what I would do. And then I wouldn't be letting him have any contact until a court order was in place.

What an absolute shit he is. So sorry that he's done this, OP.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/03/2021 06:40

Probably not great advice but do you have any large male friends or relatives?

I would agree to his terms of bringing the toddler back and seeing the baby and, as soon as the toddler is back with you, shut the door in his face. The other males may prevent your ex from resorting to violence against you.

I hope you get your child back ASAP!

RedMarauder · 25/03/2021 06:48

@NCNCNNC the OP wants her baby to have contact with his father just not overnights due to his age. This is reasonable as the baby is breast fed and under 6 months.

billybagpuss · 25/03/2021 06:49

Will your ds even settle overnight there, with any luck they get to deal with an overtired, tantrumming toddler. Playing the Disney dad is all well and good, hopefully the reality of a distressed child who wants his own bed will be too much for him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/03/2021 06:54

with any luck they get to deal with an overtired, tantrumming toddler

Not if they are the sort of people who will stick a distressed child in a room n his own and leave him to "cry it out".

There are many who will do exactly this, and it is horrible for the child.

NCNCNNC · 25/03/2021 07:01

@Redmarauder - I get that the baby is BF and very young so isn't able to go for overnights. It sounds like the dad was kicking off about that according to the OP. That's why there should be an order in place, so he can be given reasonable time and the OP isn't subjected to being shouted at. Perhaps he feels like she is withholding the baby so he is withholding the toddler. Totally inappropriate and it must be worrying for her. Therefore there should be something official in place so both mum and dad can spend time with the children.

Firsttimecatlady · 25/03/2021 07:13

Just to say OP that you’ve been I. My thoughts overnight- I think you’re showing incredible composure which I’m sure will serve you very well once it comes to court proceedings etc. But other posters are right- get as forcefully proactive as you can. What this man has done, and is demanding, is absolutely despicable. Good luck xx

Natsku · 25/03/2021 07:14

Get legal advice to make sure you don't do anything that will reflect badly on you in court but it is very important to get your DS home soon so emergency court order if you can't get him home any other way.

My ex did the same when my DD was the same age, kept her about two weeks and the police and social workers could do nothing because there was no court order and there was no way to get a hearing quickly enough in my country so I had to 'kidnap' her to get her back (I do not advise you to do anything like that, not without checking the legalities with a lawyer first at least, that's what I did and so I knew it was legal and I wouldn't get into trouble for it but I'm not in the UK)

I hope you're not feeling too anxious and worried, I remember how stressful and scary it was Flowers

Cloverleaf20 · 25/03/2021 07:18

I have been through this as well, police won’t do anything even with a court order in place, it’s a complete and utter nightmare!

FedNlanders · 25/03/2021 07:42

@Blueberries0112

Call the police, you have custody, he doesn’t. This is kidnapping if he threatened not to bring your child back. Document this if you are allowed to
If he is on the birth cert it is allowed. Unless there is a residency order in place or court order.
Mrgrinch · 25/03/2021 07:43

OP I hope you get your baby back today. O can't even imagine the night you've had.

Savethewhales · 25/03/2021 08:05

Best bet is contact social services... They'll advise you and maybe have numbers for legal aid solicitors... Once u involve them and they know what your ex is like it be them calling the police... They'll have logs of it

Outbutnotoutout · 25/03/2021 08:08

You chose to have children, twice with this man, obviously not that long ago.

But now he is an unfit parent

No wonder father's result to desperate measures

A contact order should have been sorted at the earliest opportunity.

Would you want to be away from your children and given contact 1 a week ?

Reinventinganna · 25/03/2021 08:13

@Outbutnotoutout did you read the part where he has become abusive? Or that she is not refusing access to the children?

OverTheRainbow88 · 25/03/2021 08:14

Have you got your son back?

Notanaturalm · 25/03/2021 08:33

Hope you're ok OP, I thought of you and your little boy as soon as I woke up this morning.

MrsRockAndRoll · 25/03/2021 08:37

I hope you are back together Thanks

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 25/03/2021 08:57

Your poor woman. I hope you get him back as soon as possible. Once you've got him back, don't let him have him. Make him take you to court.

gallileofigaro · 25/03/2021 09:00

Good luck today, I hope your son is ok x

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