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Original poster

Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

617 replies

Notlong2go · 24/03/2021 22:29

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 25/03/2021 10:03

If these poor abusive men were reasonable and respectful then you're right they wouldn't be in a situation where they could deny a child from their primary carer. So you're right this man won't "win" because it is not about him.

Perhaps you think that women have no right to leave an abusive partner? That women have no right as primary carer to make parenting decisions for their own children? Because that seems to be your implication. None of my children at 4 and a half months would I agree for them spending a night away from me. This isn't some punishment for the violence and abuse of an ex. That's just a parenting decision. Which he doesn't get to make anymore, because he's not the primary carer. He doesn't get to chuck a tantrum and keep a child away from its home just because he disagrees.

Theunamedcat · 25/03/2021 10:04

@RedcurrantPuff

She is not withholding contact. She doesn’t want her BF baby to be taken away from his food and comfort source, the baby is the priority, not the dad.

Christ almighty what do some men actually have to do for some women not to parrot on about “poor men”?

Exactly my ex has been arrested for sexual assault twice and rape and assault once that i know of but apparently everyone lied and because cps decided not to prosecute he claims he is innocent thats his "proof" our piss poor justice system he still has the right to see his children although he cut it down to a couple of hours a week this is indeed all my fault and women blame me too! No one thinks of his poor ex pinned to the wall by her neck its all that poor man how he has suffered Hmm
Blueberries0112 · 25/03/2021 10:08

Some men keep using children as leverage to control. Him threatened you not bring your toddler back because he can’t get what he want instead of being understanding is an form of control and it’s abusive because it put fear that he could be hurting your child

Wellthatwassilly · 25/03/2021 10:10

@B33Fr33

Please direct me to where i said women cant leave abusive partners.........

You have no arguement for what i said so your making 1 up Confused

Makingnumber2 · 25/03/2021 10:18

I'm so sorry OP- this must be such an upsetting and stressful experience. It is also very unsettling for your son if he has stayed overnight without knowing this was going to happen- your ex tosser of a partner shows no empathy or understanding of how all of this might feel from your 19mo's perspective. Children need stability and consistency and routine- they should be given the respect of being told in advance what the plans for the day are that involve them.
I really hope your son is back with you by now and that you can get the legal support you need to ensure this awful man doesn't do this again.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/03/2021 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lentillover1900 · 25/03/2021 10:20

[quote AwaAnBileYerHeid]@Lentillover1900

"Do not
Under any circumstances
Do this"

Why not? If it was my child, and the police weren't going to help me, then damn right I'd be barging my way in and taking my child back. No way in hell would I be letting someone take my kid and basically hold them hostage, which is what this man is doing. If you'd do that, then that's your outlook..[/quote]
You don’t have children
You haven’t had a relationship breakdown with your child’s father

Your response to barge in there and grab the child is something out of east Enders

In reality the child in question would be scared and disturbed. There would be shouts and likely shoving and probably police called.

As a parent you put sometimes have to put aside what you desperately want and instead prioritise your child.

As much as I’d be desperate for my child back, I wouldn’t want to put him through your suggestion. If I wasn’t concurred about neglect or abuse in any shape or fashion, I would be treating this as a full time job badgering police, getting a solicitor, women’s aid.

I would also plaster on a fake smile and apologise to ex and invite him over and say that let’s discuss child access in the short term. Just to get my child back.

Meanwhile I’d be brave ring away in the background to get legal arrangements in place that formalises everything

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 10:23

@Blueberries0112

Some men keep using children as leverage to control. Him threatened you not bring your toddler back because he can’t get what he want instead of being understanding is an form of control and it’s abusive because it put fear that he could be hurting your child
Absolutely this.

Every thing something happens where you may be in disagreement, is the ex just going to withhold contact until he gets his own way? There's no regard for what the child wants or needs and just looking at ways they can cause as much hurt and distress to the mother. It's a 'look what i can do if you don't X Y Z'.

Men should have the right to see their kids and have a say in their upbringing but that's what the courts are for. Not blackmail. It's not even like they tried court first and he is a desperate man because he didn't like the decision, he's doing this before court and trying that Avenue which is disgusting. The OP has already set she wants a court ordered arrangement of set days and times so she sounds like she wants to resolve this.

And factor in he is not even home with the DC and has palmed him off to family members. So is it really about wanting to spend more time with DC?

Original poster
Notlong2go · 25/03/2021 10:27

@Wellthatwassilly just to clarify and clear some things up.
I have not withheld any contact with my youngest!
Since he has been born I have repeatedly asked his father if he wants to see him and he has told me “I’m too busy” “I’ll take him out when he’s big enough” “I’m always working to provide for the kids” (he refuses to pay maintenance)
If I attempt to communicate maturely with him I just get abuse.
The reason he wants to start seeing our youngest now is because he knows I have been seeing somebody not because he is so interested in his children’s lives.
He is also telling me he will be giving him formula and refuses to accept that I want to continue breastfeeding him as the evidence shows breastfeeding is best for a baby.
He has not even spent an hour alone with him since he has been born, not even 10 minutes actually!
I have never refused access and I have asked him to compromise and come up with a plan of days so I can express in preparation and he refuses and demands that I hand him over immediately.
My youngest has only ever known me! So sorry if I am apprehensive about him taking him away from me Overnight.

OP posts:
radiateforme · 25/03/2021 10:27

@Wellthatwassilly

Men cant fucking win!! If he didnt want to see his kids he would be a prick, hes took action to see his kids hes still a prick🤷‍♀️ Op witheld access to the youngest child so now the father is witholding access to the oldest, fairs fair. Theyre both parents, clearly both got a lot of growing up to do. Hes an unfit parent yet you went on to have a 2nd child with him? He cant be that bad!
This is a shocking comment. The child is being used as a tool to control the mother. There's no 'fair's fair' about it, you don't withhold a four month old from their mother because you feel you've been wronged. This is a prime example of a man who is putting himself far in front of his tiny baby who has specific needs and attachments. Do you even know the circumstances under which OP had children with this man?
Wellthatwassilly · 25/03/2021 10:28

@Notlong2go drip feed much Hmm

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 10:29

Once you get your child back please go to child maintenance CSA. The courts won't care about that sadly.

I hope you're okay and getting somewhere with the courts.

radiateforme · 25/03/2021 10:30

Not everyone can express. I couldn't.

worried3012 · 25/03/2021 10:30

[quote Wellthatwassilly]@Notlong2go drip feed much Hmm[/quote]
It wasn't relevant in her OP. She was simply asking what she should try to get her child back.

Lentillover1900 · 25/03/2021 10:30

[quote Notlong2go]@Wellthatwassilly just to clarify and clear some things up.
I have not withheld any contact with my youngest!
Since he has been born I have repeatedly asked his father if he wants to see him and he has told me “I’m too busy” “I’ll take him out when he’s big enough” “I’m always working to provide for the kids” (he refuses to pay maintenance)
If I attempt to communicate maturely with him I just get abuse.
The reason he wants to start seeing our youngest now is because he knows I have been seeing somebody not because he is so interested in his children’s lives.
He is also telling me he will be giving him formula and refuses to accept that I want to continue breastfeeding him as the evidence shows breastfeeding is best for a baby.
He has not even spent an hour alone with him since he has been born, not even 10 minutes actually!
I have never refused access and I have asked him to compromise and come up with a plan of days so I can express in preparation and he refuses and demands that I hand him over immediately.
My youngest has only ever known me! So sorry if I am apprehensive about him taking him away from me Overnight.[/quote]
On another thread you started it is about your ex moving in when you got covid to look after the baby. So full disclosure surely - he has looked after the baby?

Blue565 · 25/03/2021 10:31

As a Dad I’d suggest doing what someone above has posted

Lie, say whatever is needed to get your eldest home - then bar all contact with both children until you get in front of the court. Keep all evidence of this particular incident (the court will strongly frown on it)

He’s an asshole, you don’t use children as a weapon - he doesn’t deserve contact

CourchevelCornichon · 25/03/2021 10:32

You've had some great advice Op, so I've nothing to add there but SURELY a breastfed baby should be returned to Mum as soon as possible as the father cannot breastfeed?! My EBF baby couldn't have gone away from me at 4 months.

Really emphasize this with the court! Good luck Op Flowers

radiateforme · 25/03/2021 10:33

Did you read that thread? It was all about how useless he was and just lazed around playing his PlayStation all day whilst she juggled the kids!

Threeundertwo2 · 25/03/2021 10:35

Going from a friend’s experience, I’m pretty sure that if he’s not on the birth certificate then he has no legal right to see the youngest.

Start keeping a diary of everything he does. Record any conversations you have with him on your phone...you can make a court application to use these at a later date if need be.

I’d contact him to tell him that you will be collecting your son. Don’t ask him, tell him. If doesn’t reply then it’s seen as he’s agreed and then take him home. I know you don’t get on but I’d allow supervised visits in your home from then on and arrange mediation (first step in court proceedings anyway).

It’s horrible now but all of this will go against him in the long run.

Sending hugs! X

Lentillover1900 · 25/03/2021 10:35

@radiateforme

Did you read that thread? It was all about how useless he was and just lazed around playing his PlayStation all day whilst she juggled the kids!
I did read it But in the above post she says that he’s never spent 10 minutes with the baby.

He moved in to the OP’s house to look after the children.
Useless he may well have been
But he’s certainly been around the childrenb

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/03/2021 10:36

@Wellthatwassilly

Men cant fucking win!! If he didnt want to see his kids he would be a prick, hes took action to see his kids hes still a prick🤷‍♀️ Op witheld access to the youngest child so now the father is witholding access to the oldest, fairs fair. Theyre both parents, clearly both got a lot of growing up to do. Hes an unfit parent yet you went on to have a 2nd child with him? He cant be that bad!
My heart bleeds for him.

Doesn't pay maintenance, gets his child for visits then leaves him with his grandmother, won't accept that a very young BREASTFED baby can't stay away from his mother overnight, uses a toddler as a bargaining tool . . .

Yes, he's suffering all right! Hmm

Nobody is withholding access to the baby - OP is just not allowing an overnight stay ^because that is not in the baby's interest - he is too young!.

And as for this bit Hes an unfit parent yet you went on to have a 2nd child with him? He cant be that bad!, many, many men don't show their true colours until they have the woman "trapped" with young children - then the abusiveness etc comes to the fore.

Wellthatwassilly · 25/03/2021 10:38

@CourchevelCornichon

It isnt the breastfed baby thats that father has, its the older child

DishingOutDone · 25/03/2021 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

year5teacher · 25/03/2021 10:58

@Wellthatwassilly

Men cant fucking win!! If he didnt want to see his kids he would be a prick, hes took action to see his kids hes still a prick🤷‍♀️ Op witheld access to the youngest child so now the father is witholding access to the oldest, fairs fair. Theyre both parents, clearly both got a lot of growing up to do. Hes an unfit parent yet you went on to have a 2nd child with him? He cant be that bad!
You’re right. That comment WAS silly.
BadNomad · 25/03/2021 11:00

@Lentillover1900
I did read it
But in the above post she says that he’s never spent 10 minutes with the baby.

Alone. He has never had the children alone.