Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

[Notlong2go]

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

Well he will be calling again tomorrow so I’ll ask for his name tomorrow @WisnaeMe

@Notlong2go

Well he will be calling again tomorrow so I’ll ask for his name tomorrow *@WisnaeMe*

it was a male Social Worker who suggested you 'comply' to not moving on to prevent upsetting your Ex 😳

Definitely take his name and remind him that coercive controlling behaviour is in fact illegal. 🌺

The advice off police was that I should give into his demands about contact handover as he won't change.

And this is how unreasonable people get away with appalling behaviour - nobody dares to challenge them because they just ignore any attempt to restrain them.

It's like a tantrumming toddler that everyone gives in to because they can't stand the noise and the crying and the foot-stamping.

And like a toddler, the more they get away with, the worse their behaviour gets.

One day he'll go too far - let's just hope with's with a police officer or a judge

@Notlong2go

Well he will be calling again tomorrow so I’ll ask for his name tomorrow *@WisnaeMe*

A bloke?

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Good God, what an atrocious position for them to take! It's on par with an abuser's "You MADE me hit you". And right in line with society's "Don't make a fuss, dear" attitude towards women.

You do NOT need to live your life according to that bastard's rules. And you do NOT have to give in to what he wants just to 'avoid trouble'. Victim blaming at its finest!!

What he needs is a good old fashioned ass-kicking and to be told not to fuck with you again. I know, I know violence supposedly never solves anything. But sometimes it's the only thing a shithead understands.

I'm not in the UK so don't know all the ins and outs, but is there no way for you to get legal representation? DV or children's charities? Has anyone suggested this one:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

The Social Worker encouraging you not to move on with your life in order to appease your violently aggressive Ex, is the ultimate in victim blaming.

How frightening that an apparently caring professional social worker supports the perpetrator and not the victim. In what school of social care can that possibly be right? Only in a culture where the violent are right, and the weak are women.

This attitude is why men who murder women so often have the successful defence that they "snapped" or "were made to do it". It is always the woman's fault of course!

I hope you do get his name @Notlong2go, in a perfect world, he should be reprimanded for that attitude.

Please write everything down, speak to your HV again and ask her to document your conversation. I have no doubt she will have experience of the social worker.

I’m so pleased you’ve got your boy safely back home.

I agree that you should be able to move on with your life how & when you want to.

However I’m a bit concerned that you will exchange one controlling relationship for another. I might be stereotyping in a bad way, but are men really that keen to start relationships with women that have very young toddlers & newborns unless they are attracted to women they perceive as vulnerable? Apologies if your new man is one of the good uns but I agree with previous posters that one of the courses such as the Freedom Challenge might be helpful in checking your boundaries before you get in too deep.

It could just be that I’m biased as when DD was 4 months it was successful day if I managed to have a shower never mind going on a date!

@SchadenfreudePersonified

The advice off police was that I should give into his demands about contact handover as he won't change.

And this is how unreasonable people get away with appalling behaviour - nobody dares to challenge them because they just ignore any attempt to restrain them.

It's like a tantrumming toddler that everyone gives in to because they can't stand the noise and the crying and the foot-stamping.

And like a toddler, the more they get away with, the worse their behaviour gets.

One day he'll go too far - let's just hope with's with a police officer or a judge

And I'll be dealing with it as I would a tantruming toddler. I will not be broken into pacifying a man who can't behave

@Shelby2010 he has children of his own who are similar ages to my two older boys.

Thanks everyone. Well the social worker pretty much said they are concerned about my exes behaviour in front of the children and obviously me having a new partner has aggravated him for some reason (he seemed as though he was suggesting he has a valid reason).
SW then basically told me that if it’s going to aggravate him and i still want him to see the children then don’t have a partner.

[quote Notlong2go]@Shelby2010 he has children of his own who are similar ages to my two older boys.

Thanks everyone. Well the social worker pretty much said they are concerned about my exes behaviour in front of the children and obviously me having a new partner has aggravated him for some reason (he seemed as though he was suggesting he has a valid reason).
SW then basically told me that if it’s going to aggravate him and i still want him to see the children then don’t have a partner.[/quote]

you need to make an official complaint about this OP, honestly.

You sound strong and focused despite this dreadful situation you find yourself in, and credit to you, imagine this Social Worker telling this too someone very vulnerable.

It's just disgraceful.

You're doing amazing given the circumstances. 🌺

That's a joke OP. The system is so bad. But I guess it's okay for your ex if and when he gets a new partner.

Have you been given a court hearing date yet?

The social worker was wrong to say that. I'm not suggesting you get him in trouble, but I'd find out who his manager is and take it further.

The team manager should be aware of this. Never be afraid to raise legitimate concerns because they will be looked into. I've worked in police complaints and various Local Authorities....it's taken seriously.

It's crazy, if you were living with a man who beat you & threatened you in front of your children then they would be threatening to take your children off you if you didn't get rid of him. You have an ex threatening you & being abusive & they tell you to get rid of your boyfriend so that ex doesn't get upset. Ask the social worker for everything in writing & then email copies to your MP highlighting all the things that the social worker has said about you having a partner. Make a formal complaint through your MP & also ask for a different social worker. Does your ex drink heavily or use drugs? If he does make sure you or your solicitor mentions your concerns in court, they can make your ex undergo blood & hair tests for drug & alcohol use & make him have to be breathalysed every time he attends a contact centre if this is recommended.

And I'll be dealing with it as I would a tantruming toddler. I will not be broken into pacifying a man who can't behave

Quite right. Never give in to unreasonable behaviour.

There is some justification for doing so if you are alone with a violent man and you have no choice, but for organisations, such as the police and social services - there is NO excuse for pandering to it. None whatsoever.

It's crazy, if you were living with a man who beat you & threatened you in front of your children then they would be threatening to take your children off you if you didn't get rid of him. You have an ex threatening you & being abusive & they tell you to get rid of your boyfriend so that ex doesn't get upset.

Spot on!

Just because this thug is their natural father, he doesn't have a right to abuse you in front of them (or at all for that matter). Abusing a mother is abusing a child. It's f*cking terrifying for them and I speak from experience.

Your ex has a known history of abusive, dominating and controlling behaviour towards you. The inference from authorities is that you can take steps to appease this behaviour that will work long term to get you and he to be able to parent together.

They are basically suggesting you continue to be abused, dominated and controlled by this man so that they don’t have to intervene. When they suggest something like “oh just get rid of the boyfriend” reframe it back to them in the terms of what is actually happening i.e. that your ex is continuing to abuse, dominate and control you with “x” behaviour and what you are hearing from them is that their answer to that abuse is that you continue to submit to his abusive behaviour. Document the conversation in a follow up each time with an email and make it known as you are speaking to them that you are taking notes of what they are saying and documenting it. So say things like “can I just get you to repeat that I’m taking down what you are saying so I can fully understand it etc.” When someone thinks what is being said is being documented it often changes their willingness to spout absolute bullshit.

I agree with @Notoriouslynotnotious but also the fact this person basically said oh just get rid of the boyfriend. You could also argue, and what if it was just a friend or a family member.
It makes no difference. NOT is right, reframeing makes them usually back track because they look bad. Also ask if the calls are recorded before you reframe.

Was it ‘official’ advice or was it a passing comment from one SW? I’d be inclined to write to clarify if this is standard advice for someone moving on from an abusive relationship that they should never have a life ever again in case it upsets their ex.

Have you pointed out to them that he was like this before and its not new behaviour?

@PurpleMustang

Just as a thought, if your boyfriend parked away from the house, how did he know that he was there? Is it possible a neighbour is tipping him off?

@Justilou1

I was going to ask similar. Has he been sitting in the car for hours with your toddler stalking your house? Can you get a security camera installed?

The Op said.....

@Notlong2go

He pushed his way into my house and became aggressive and verbally abusive with my partner.

@worried3012 no hearing yet! It’s ridiculous especially given all that’s happened since I applied. They have sent me out a letter to read and they need me to provide some more information. Imagine if he still had my son!

[quote Notlong2go]@worried3012 no hearing yet! It’s ridiculous especially given all that’s happened since I applied. They have sent me out a letter to read and they need me to provide some more information. Imagine if he still had my son![/quote]
That's a joke. I'm so glad you gave your son. Your ex can wait like you have had to now.

@worried3012 yep I will not willingly hand over my children to him after the stunt he pulled and even after bringing home when he tried to take him again.
Our 19 month old usually visits his paternal grandparents and spends a night with them but, that will also be stopped because his mother would not stop him from taking him.

Just as a thought, if your boyfriend parked away from the house, how did he know that he was there? Is it possible a neighbour is tipping him off?

It's possible the ex just pushed into the house and went through the rooms on spec, just hoping he could catch OP out - and at worst (from his perspective) he would intimidate her and show her that he could (physically) force his way into her home any time he liked.

That's a frightening knowledge to live with.