Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

[Notlong2go]

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

@SandyY2K

I suggest you contact a senior officer at the police station he was taken to. I know you reported the phone call, but summarising everything again to them in writing via email would be good.

You want to get an Inspector ranked officer at the least.

very good idea 🌺

If you get legal aid, ask for a barrister for court & don't accept a paralegal, insist on a solicitor. Tell them your children are at risk of being abducted by your ex. As a minimum you want him to sign an undertaking to not threaten or contact you in any way or preferably a none molestation order & supervised contact until he can prove he will behave. Once you have got your breath back contact the CMS for maintenance, if he is making £3k a month, he owes you a good amount. If you don't get any joy from the council, speak to your MP, that usually gets things moving.

Must be peak knowing your own son isn't even attached to you. Even after a week of not seeing your son he didn't seem phased at the sight of seeing you.
My guess is that your son cried his heart out for you. His words come across as a blatant lie.

The same will be for in time too. You've got to remember it's going to be me spending all my precious time with my kids as I have been doing with the last 3 months. The difference between me and you right now is they are my priority for the next few years, Not no woman. I'm going to be the one taking them everywhere on holidays and buying them everything. Got to remember I'm making just short of 3grand a month right now and that's only getting better 😂 so all I say is good luck in putting men before our kids and see how your kids grow to resent you. is not even 4 month old and not even 2 and your already failing them. I just really do not see one thing at all you are going to do for them except hold them back. You should have more respect for your children but hey who am I to judge

He has shot himself in the foot big time there.

DO NOT delete this message. His claim of £3k income is going to be hard to deny when you file for child support.

That text is going to make his interest in the children look like pure vindictiveness against you on his part, exactly the opposite of what he claims..

You are absolutely correct that you have 18 years of this ahead of you. You are going to have to be prepared to take him to court every time he steps out of line wrt visitation and also child support.

I take anti depressants for panic attacks and anxiety so he’ll use that.

He can't use that against you. If he tries, he will be reprimanded by the judge.

All of his talk comes across as pure bluster. Try not to be intimidated.

Do what SandyY2K advises wrt the police.

Detail what happened, all threats you have heard from him, and all your previous history.
Ask for a reconsideration of the order they say can't be issued.

Your ex is a very dangerous man.

(And next time your ex's mother calls you to harass you, hang up on her).

“I suggest you contact a senior officer at the police station he was taken to. I know you reported the phone call, but summarising everything again to them in writing via email would be good.

You want to get an Inspector ranked officer at the least.”

This. He forced his way into your house. That is violent and abusive and should be sufficient. There should be a DVO in place here.

Also contact the NCDV. They will help you. Your mental health issues probably come from having this nasty man in your life.

As PP have said, keep the email as evidence. A decent father wants both parents in his children’s life but he thinks his children are things which belong to him. His mother sounds like a piece of work who keeps fanning the flames.

Good luck, OP.

Great you have his income on writing, and his threats.
You're doing a great job protecting your children. You can do this.

To protect yourself and your children please do the freedom program. You have every right to a relationship but a new partner when your child is only 4 months old is very fast. Your ex's behaviour is completely unacceptable but don't let that distract you from becoming strong enough to cope alone. When women rush from one relationship straight into another the chances of picking another abusive man increases.

Just on the anxiety and panic attacks thing, I can't imagine any judge in the land is going to hold anxiety and panic attacks against someone who has been the victim of domestic violence.

@Notlong2go

Thank you everybody. It’s just really started to get on top of me and I just feel so worn down. Is there ever any escaping this? We have kids together so I just feel like I have 18 years of this. I want to be a good mum to my children and I don’t feel I can be when all this is going on as I’m just stressed, it’s not fair on the children.

This is the text message I got just recently

Must be peak knowing your own son isn't even attached to you. Even after a week of not seeing your son he didn't seem phased at the sight of seeing you. The same will be for in time too. You've got to remember it's going to be me spending all my precious time with my kids as I have been doing with the last 3 months. The difference between me and you right now is they are my priority for the next few years, Not no woman. I'm going to be the one taking them everywhere on holidays and buying them everything. Got to remember I'm making just short of 3grand a month right now and that's only getting better 😂 so all I say is good luck in putting men before our kids and see how your kids grow to resent you. * is not even 4 month old and * not even 2 and your already failing them. I just really do not see one thing at all you are going to do for them except hold them back. You should have more respect for your children but hey who am I to judge

God he's an absolute prick isn't he

@Justilou1

Don’t stress about your MH, *@Notlong2go*... I suspect the reason you’re on antidepressants and have panic attacks is him in the first place. If you go to your GP (or even call them) and log this with them, there’s potentially further proof of his abusive behaviour.

This - in spades!

Any woman being brutalised and controlled, and under threat of having her children snatched is going to suffer anxiety and depression - especially when it seems that all of the authorities are against her and undermining her attempts to protect her children and herself.

Justilou1 is giving good advice. TBH, if you weren't badly affected by his violent behaviour there would be something wrong with you.

Got to remember I'm making just short of 3grand a month right now and that's only getting better

This - and he's paying no maintenance?

Get to court now for a maintenance order - they won't backdate it, from what I understand, so it will pay you to slam your claim in asap.

And keep EVERY text, f/b comment, e-mail- everything!

Thank you everybody. I have also reported the phone call so hopefully things can start building up against him.
With regards to child maintenance we had a case set up but he paid me himself however, he stopped paying regularly so I requested that payments go through the CMS but, still waiting to hear about that.
I was supposed to receive a letter from the social services to prove a history’s of DV but guess what...no sign of that.
Nothing from the courts either.
It is ridiculous how slow these services are taking when I have reiterated how urgently the matter needs to be dealt with.

Speak to social services daily to chase up for the letter, that would add weight to asking the police to review the case and for you to get a restraining order.

Write down a clear time line of his abuse towards you both before you left and since.

I think you back to the police with this and actually tell them that after the violence towards you previously and his behaviour this last week and his determination to by primary parent you believe he may well attempt to kill you. I would actually tell them this in writing. I would ask why his behaviour hasn't been enough for you to be offered protection against him?

Just as a thought, if your boyfriend parked away from the house, how did he know that he was there? Is it possible a neighbour is tipping him off?

I was going to ask similar. Has he been sitting in the car for hours with your toddler stalking your house? Can you get a security camera installed?

@PurpleMustang and @Justilou1 he may well have been past my house at some point but, I think he didn’t know for sure. My neighbours wouldn’t have told him anything.

I think security cameras are an excellent idea, as well as a Ring doorbell.

@AcrossthePond55 yeah but I don’t think I can afford cameras right this minute.

Well I had a call from social services who will be having a meeting with the police tomorrow. Their concerns are with my exes behaviour in front of the kids.
Even SS pretty much said don’t move on with your life if it’s going to aggravate my ex. So my life will always be controlled by his actions

Even SS pretty much said don’t move on with your life if it’s going to aggravate my ex. So my life will always be controlled by his actions

So effectively, everyone is holding YOU responsible for HIS twattish behaviour, while he (poor man) gets a free pass!

Bloody typical!

It's not as though he even gives a damn about you OP - it isn't thwarted love, or jealousy, or heartbreak - it's spite and control and vindictiveness pure and simple.

He wants to do what he likes without taking any responsibility for anything.

He wants "his" children (but doesn't want to pay anything towards there welfare) - but he wants them because they are "his" and he can do what he likes with them, and he can control you through them. he's a git!

@SchadenfreudePersonified yep you have pretty much just summed it up perfectly. And yes because he can play the protective, concerned father role it seems everybody is falling for it.
He knows exactly what he is doing and this messed up system is allowing him to. I have to stop trying to move forward because he is violent and aggressive and doesn’t give two shits about kicking off in front of the children he’s so desperately trying to protect!

@SchadenfreudePersonified absolutely spot on! I'm waiting for a call in the next hour to be told police will NFA the last assault from my ex on me in front of my children. This is because I haven't consented to the children being interviewed as this will distress them so much and make them feel they have to pick sides. I'm protecting my children but have to put up with professionals not seeing the wood for the trees because he bangs in about how much he cares and I'm stopping him seeing 'his' children. I'm not. I'm doing everything I can to ensure they have a relationship with him and find I have to bend and sway to accommodate his twattish behaviour. And as I don't qualify for legal aid I can't get a non mol order as I don't have a spare £2k sitting around plus the barristers fees when he invariably challenges it so it has to go before the court.

[quote Notlong2go]@AcrossthePond55 yeah but I don’t think I can afford cameras right this minute.

Well I had a call from social services who will be having a meeting with the police tomorrow. Their concerns are with my exes behaviour in front of the kids.
Even SS pretty much said don’t move on with your life if it’s going to aggravate my ex. So my life will always be controlled by his actions[/quote]
The advice off police was that I should give into his demands about contact handover as he won't change. So the children are expected to be disadvantaged because one adult can't behave. It's a joke

Even SS pretty much said don’t move on with your life if it’s going to aggravate my ex. So my life will always be controlled by his actions

take the name of the Social Worker who said this. This is not an appropriate response to DV at all. 🌺

The law isn't there to protect women and children, it's there protect the reputation of men and maintain the status quo.

Absolutely ridiculous of the police and SS as usual.

You're doing brilliantly, it's not illegal for you to have a boyfriend.

Record everything these agencies are doing, they will run around in circles trying to support him while he abuses you and your children.

Every time they miss an appointment or a phone call, every time they don't send the paperwork they're supposed to, every time they make sneaky supportive comments about his behaviour. Write it down, record it, be a pain in their ass.

I get them to reexplain their own decisions, these agencies thrive on women being worn down and tired so they can get you to roll over to his demands and boom case closed until the murder. Then 'lessons learnt'.

Copy your MP into any correspondence, this man has been demonstrably violent to you and your children. Maybe they can explain to your MP why they're dragging their feet.