Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

617 replies

Notlong2go · 24/03/2021 22:29

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

OP posts:
HamFisted · 28/03/2021 20:06

Don't give him back. Make him go through the courts for access.

Does your son go to nursery? Is your ex written down as a parent/contact on the paperwork there? If so you might want to think about keeping him at home (or changing nurseries so your ex doesn't know which one he is at). My understanding is that as long as your ex has PR and there haven't been any orders barring him having contact with the children, the nursery cannot refuse to hand your son over if he turns up there asking for him. I could be wrong about this though.

Theunamedcat · 28/03/2021 20:10

@Notlong2go

Well the police contacted me and said the domestic violence protection order hasn’t been issued as they don’t deem it high enough a risk! I’m so frustrated and disgusted, my mental health is suffering big time. I just feel like screaming and bursting into tears and every bloody emotion going right now. How can they not see it as a high enough risk when he has beat me before and plenty of other things. I’m so lucky because I have a supportive family but, what about those women who have nobody and find the courage to speak out only to be let down by the system.

I honestly am so happy to have my boy back but, at the same time I’m just filled with dread because, he could come at anytime and try and take him

Seriously? How long are the police going to do this violent and aggressive man kids at risk and nope we won't help you
RandomMess · 28/03/2021 20:31

Speak to national domestic helpline about a non-molestation order or a restraining order. The incidences required for those may be lower.

Speak to social services.

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 20:38

@RandomMess

Speak to national domestic helpline about a non-molestation order or a restraining order. The incidences required for those may be lower.

Speak to social services.

This

StapMe · 28/03/2021 20:38

Whilst you have every right to move on from your arsehole ex, sounds like he's winding himself up over your new man. Might he calm down if he thought the new relationship had hit the skids? Then you can pick up with the new fella again once you've got all the legal stuff in place including a non molestation order? Yeah, I know you shouldn't have to do that, but it might make life easier whilst you wrestle with the court stuff.

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 20:57

did the Police mention Social Services might have been informed OP?

regards the idea of saying you're no longer seeing the BF, I wouldn't do this purely because it makes your home life look unstable, ie BF coming and going, it might play into your Ex's hands to say you change partner frequently or you fall out frequently. Just a thought 🌺

Redruby2020 · 28/03/2021 21:27

@Notlong2go

Sorry I meant to say, it DID end in him getting arrested as he turned up without notice and after I told him we would meet somewhere else as I didn’t want him at my home. He pushed his way into my house and became aggressive and verbally abusive with my partner. In the end the police had to take him but, he did try to take my boy again. My son seems perfectly fine but, it’s not healthy for this to happen around them.

My ex’s mother was disgusting and had called me blaming me for having my partner in my house and even said about her son oh poor so and so. She even asked me to drop my son back off to her because her son had told her he was being arrested and to pick my boy up from me. She actually had the cheek to ask me to take my son back to her house otherwise her son wouldn’t think she was sticking up for him!

So glad you got your little one back home with you! Did your ex always know where you lived? And did he used to come there to do hand overs of the children? I just wondered as it's always good if an abusive ex does not know your exact location.
Justilou1 · 28/03/2021 21:43

He will probably try and bully himself back into your home and to grab the kids again. Please call the police every time to establish a pattern of abuse and violence and force him to go through the courts. Horrible man.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 28/03/2021 22:42

@HamFisted no he doesn’t go to nursery so he’s always home with me.
@Theunamedcat yeah it’s disgusting how shit they are tbh. Always after petty criminals but when it comes to domestic abuse that has proven deadly in many cases, they just don’t do enough.
@RandomMess I have spoken to social services, domestic abuse line, health visitor, police, nobody is helping apart from offering dummy cctv which would not deter him. I have asked to get some support to move homes though as I think this would be one of the best things I could do.
@Redruby2020 yes I have been in the same home for 10 years and council haven’t helped to get me moved.
@Justilou1 I will be doing this. I had an abusive phone call earlier as soon as he was released so have reported that.!
He reckons he’s going for full custody and once they take a look at me they will hand my kids over to him 😒
I take anti depressants for panic attacks and anxiety so he’ll use that. I’ve had a man around my children so that’s another advantage to him. I’ve had the police out to my house before so apparently I’m an unfit mother and the courts aren’t going to be eager to hand over my children full time to him.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 28/03/2021 22:58

I'm so glad you've got your lad back op. Keep logs of EVERYTHING. It may be that this incident alone is but enough but he'll do this again. Have you applied for a non molestation order?

CandyLeBonBon · 28/03/2021 23:00

Take a look at this. If you haven't already it's worth doing.

I had to get one again my ex and they were very good: www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

CombatBarbie · 28/03/2021 23:05

He has some serious issues. I would honestly set up an email address, not your normal one and tell him from now on this is the only form of communication to be used for the kids. Lock down any social media so that randoms cannot message you and block him on everything. Block his family too. Don't answer any unknown numbers, if its important they will leave a message.

This way you can look at emails in your own time or even get someone else to read them for you and only reply factually. Do not retaliate to any abuse.

Justilou1 · 28/03/2021 23:43

Don’t stress about your MH, @Notlong2go... I suspect the reason you’re on antidepressants and have panic attacks is him in the first place. If you go to your GP (or even call them) and log this with them, there’s potentially further proof of his abusive behaviour.

Saphira1308 · 29/03/2021 00:06

@Notlong2go please seek legal aid and apply to court for a non molestation order soon as possible as the non molestation order will be an order where he is not aloud near u, contact u and even make threats towards you. As it has happened before and he has been abusive towards u recently u should be able to get one.

Annabellerina · 29/03/2021 00:14

*Take a look at this. If you haven't already it's worth doing.

I had to get one again my ex and they were very good: www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/*

This ^ I also got mine through NCDV they helped me through the whole process and it didn't cost anything.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/03/2021 00:16

@Annabellerina

*Take a look at this. If you haven't already it's worth doing.

I had to get one again my ex and they were very good: www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/*

This ^ I also got mine through NCDV they helped me through the whole process and it didn't cost anything.

It was a lifesaver for me. Ncdv were brilliant
Original poster
Notlong2go · 29/03/2021 00:41

Thank you everybody. It’s just really started to get on top of me and I just feel so worn down.
Is there ever any escaping this?
We have kids together so I just feel like I have 18 years of this.
I want to be a good mum to my children and I don’t feel I can be when all this is going on as I’m just stressed, it’s not fair on the children.

This is the text message I got just recently

Must be peak knowing your own son isn't even attached to you. Even after a week of not seeing your son he didn't seem phased at the sight of seeing you. The same will be for in time too. You've got to remember it's going to be me spending all my precious time with my kids as I have been doing with the last 3 months. The difference between me and you right now is they are my priority for the next few years, Not no woman. I'm going to be the one taking them everywhere on holidays and buying them everything. Got to remember I'm making just short of 3grand a month right now and that's only getting better 😂 so all I say is good luck in putting men before our kids and see how your kids grow to resent you. * is not even 4 month old and * not even 2 and your already failing them. I just really do not see one thing at all you are going to do for them except hold them back. You should have more respect for your children but hey who am I to judge

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 29/03/2021 00:45

@Notlong2go

Thank you everybody. It’s just really started to get on top of me and I just feel so worn down. Is there ever any escaping this? We have kids together so I just feel like I have 18 years of this. I want to be a good mum to my children and I don’t feel I can be when all this is going on as I’m just stressed, it’s not fair on the children.

This is the text message I got just recently

Must be peak knowing your own son isn't even attached to you. Even after a week of not seeing your son he didn't seem phased at the sight of seeing you. The same will be for in time too. You've got to remember it's going to be me spending all my precious time with my kids as I have been doing with the last 3 months. The difference between me and you right now is they are my priority for the next few years, Not no woman. I'm going to be the one taking them everywhere on holidays and buying them everything. Got to remember I'm making just short of 3grand a month right now and that's only getting better 😂 so all I say is good luck in putting men before our kids and see how your kids grow to resent you. * is not even 4 month old and * not even 2 and your already failing them. I just really do not see one thing at all you are going to do for them except hold them back. You should have more respect for your children but hey who am I to judge

Op. He is using your deepest fears to grind you down. I went through similar. Don't respond. Don't rise to the bait. Know that he is a disturbed and abusive individual and try to brush it off (hard I know). Thanks
Saphira1308 · 29/03/2021 00:53

@Notlong2go don't let him get to u, keep saying to yourself that you are strong and that your doing what you feel is right for your kids, get a non molestation order as he won be able to contact u or come near u in any shape or form and then keep any messages that he sends u for when I then go for a court order for your little ones and ask social services to refer you to a course called freedom program it should help you, I'm due to start my freedom course after Easter.

betterfantasia · 29/03/2021 00:59

What rubbish. Do not give that the time of day.

Can't you communicate with him through that system that they have (I have only heard of it vaguely).

You do know it's rubbish, right? You're clearly an amazing, strong mother who did the hardest thing anyone could do-you kept yourself from going round there and trying to grab your baby even though everything in you must have been straining to, because you didn't want to cause your boy stress. You kept your shit together and stayed clear headed and sharp for his sake, even though you were falling to pieces internally. I couldn't have done it and I'm in awe of you.

You do deserve happiness and that is of course compatible with having children.

Can't you block him and go through a contact centre. As hard as you've tried, he's too toxic for you to handle alone, either the practicalities of co parenting or the continued abuse that distracts you from being available in the moment.

He needs to have his little phone line cut.

betterfantasia · 29/03/2021 01:01

And how lovely that your son is generally securely attached enough to you that he didn't have a massive reaction to seeing you-he wasn't afraid you'd disappear again, he feels calm around you and didn't need to cling to you instantly. I take that as a hopeful sign that he didn't pick up on all the trauma of the week, which is again down to your self discipline.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 29/03/2021 01:07

Thank you everyone, I guess it’s just all kind of taken it’s toll today but, I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow!

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 29/03/2021 01:15

Can't remember if he's being maintenance, he's just shot himself in the foot there.... 3k a month is about 450/500. If not done so already start the claim with CMS.

AdaColeman · 29/03/2021 01:47

Three grand a month yet he was asking you to send over clothes for the child! Get that CMS claim in tomorrow, and don't forget to back date it if possible.

You need to block his access to you to stop all these texted threats, they are just too upsetting for you. Also, perhaps something like a Ring doorbell, but get one that allows you to keep the record permanently, not just for a few weeks.

SandyY2K · 29/03/2021 02:42

I suggest you contact a senior officer at the police station he was taken to. I know you reported the phone call, but summarising everything again to them in writing via email would be good.

You want to get an Inspector ranked officer at the least.