I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

I don’t think any wife is wrong for believing their own husband wouldn’t cheat.

But I don’t think you should swear blind that your husband never would though. If he knows this perhaps it gives him room to have an affair? Knowing you would believe him 100%.

Those saying my husband wouldn’t cheat... that’s what they think..

@Loopyloututu2

And I agree that people often cheat even though they are still in a good and loving relationship with their spouse - and often still having good sex lives. It's often just about the excitement of having illicit encounters. They want to have their cake and eat it and have no intention of leaving their wives - in all the cases I know of the wives found out - it wasn't that the men wanted to leave - their deceit was uncovered otherwise they would've just carried on in secret probably until the day their penises ceased to work!

Hahaha yes I agree with everything you have wrote!!

@Nocar

That's entirely your choice and I am not judging, I've been in that situation and know how difficult it is, but I am responding to posters that seem to be under the impression you can cheat and love someone, imo you can't. I also think a lot of people do not know what a healthy relationship looks like, so will miss the warning signs. As far as I am concerned people in healthy relationships do not cheat. If you go for relationship counselling, the one thing they will encourage you to do is communicate openly and honestly, that' usually what's missing from the relationship in the first place. Again, I am not judging a lot of people don't know any different, I certainly didn't and its took a lot of work to understand this.

Why do you think you don’t love someone if you cheat? Love is not a tap! You cannot just turn your feelings off. I don’t think it’s all as simple as that. If that was the case nobody would take their partner back because instantly you wouldn’t love them anymore.

@May17th

But thats entirely the point of what @Nocar was saying....

That if you have an affair you don't love your partner properly but the betrayed person, the person who remains loyal and mindful of the other persons hurt, does love.

Forgiving someone is still the betrayed person forgiving and loving, not the adulterer.

@feeficken, I tend to agree with what you said. I definitely could not inflict this level of pain on anyone after experiencing it myself.
I cried solid for nearly three months before the shock even subsided.
I still feel the hurt from what's happened but I don't cry the same.

I still worry that we aren't going to make it and the damage is to much to overcome. The path ahead is daunting to say the least.

I know from other posts that your life is extremely difficult at present too. I wish you all the best btw (and to everyone else that's going through the same).

I would hope my partner wouldn't cheat, but I couldn't ever say I could guarantee it. And honestly, seeing the sheer number of people through work that have had affairs or one night hook ups on business trips and after work drinks, I'm always quite shocked that people think this couldn't ever happen to them. Many of the ones I've seen have seemingly happy marriages and families. Quite often a SAHP who has given up work so they can do these business trips etc. I'm also surprised at the lack of discretion sometimes, it just seems so cavalier and open.
So although I feel I've a very strong relationship, I'd never rule him cheating out

[quote Onthedunes]@May17th

But thats entirely the point of what @Nocar was saying....

That if you have an affair you don't love your partner properly but the betrayed person, the person who remains loyal and mindful of the other persons hurt, does love.

Forgiving someone is still the betrayed person forgiving and loving, not the adulterer.[/quote]
I’m sorry but I do not agree. So all men that cheat even once do not love their partner/wife?

I don’t believe that theory.

So no OP, I completely see how you and others have been blindsided by it. Its not on you for trusting them, its on them for having so little respect of a monogamous relationship and the trust between you as to think they can get away with having some extra fun or attention.

@mumofpickles sorry, meant to respond to you. How are you six months on?

@Nocar still agreeing to disagree. Not everyone is the same or necessarily falls into your two ‘categories’.
Not everyone who stays with a cheat is in denial. Their eyes have been opened very wide indeed. Nothing left to deny. No point denying all was completely well. No point denying what has happened or pretending. No point denying that it might happen again. It might.
I just think it’s a very sad world we live in if there no chance to redeem yourself.
Love, remorse, redemption, forgiveness.....what’s the point in trying to change if once your mistake categorises you, there’s no hope? Having faith in someone is just that. Faith, not denial. Faith includes the possibility that change is not certain. It is quite possible to give someone a last chance to grow and change whilst realising that they might not. Denial to me is an unwillingness to accept the truth about a situation. I can accept the truth and leave, or accept the truth and stay. I chose the latter.

I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to randomly state that my husband could never ever cheat, but I don’t believe that he would. I’ve read through the replies on here and I know that must look naive to those who have previously believed the same of their partners only to have them cheat, but I’d rather trust him and be let down than believe that the person I trust most in the world could cheat on me. I believe 100% that I wouldn’t cheat on him, and I believe as close to 100% as you ever can be about another person who’s actions you can’t control that he wouldn’t cheat on me. If I’m ever wrong then I’ll deal with that as it comes, but I don’t want to live with any doubt.

@lynsey91 as i said at the start, "I believe". thats still what I believe, despite your little rant/outburst. and i never said it was OK to cheat. In my opinion its not. I can just see how it happens. Doesnt make it ok and doesnt mean its something I would do. But I cannot say a decision I made at 25 would still be what I wanted at 75. And I also cannot say that I wouldnt fuck up in life. I dont believe I would cheat but I have had people close to me do it that I wouldnt expect to. All had different reasons. All not acceptable but I can see what they were thinking. It happens everyday. Sometimes people do things wrong and thats life. I hope your DH thinks the same as you or its a very long way for you to fall from that horse.

@May17th I didn't say I believed that, Nocar did.

@n00bie No one tell tell you the level of trust you should assign to your marriage. That is your perogative and I hope you never have any reason to doubt him.

You trust him 100%, so did I and I thought after nearly 40 years being together that we have overcome every hurdle a marriage could throw at us.
Thats why when it did happen it was utterly devastating.

You are right there is no point living with doubt, I didn't, and if I did, it would have made no difference, you cannot change what has happened.
I'm glad I lived a long marriage with the majority of it without doubt and mistrust.

Try not to become too jaded with the many posts on here, too many of us have been hurt and there is some wonderful support but it can also make happy healthy relationships become hyper vigilant and mistrustful.

I can totally see why people forgive & remain in the relationship but it must so difficult, I'm not sure I could do it even if I wanted too.

@mars2 I completely agree. I think I'd find it hard to let go of the resentment, and to trust again, and would find myself bringing it up in arguments. I think it must be very very tough

mars2
I hope you do not have to. It is exhausting and all consuming. Even worse so if the betrayed spouse has a revenge affair as I did. There are moments I hate my h and I hate myself for lowering myself to his standards. Now I have no legs to stand on as I have done the same and boy does he like to remind me when we argue. The ideal thing would have been for me to walk away from the marriage with my dignity in tact. Instead I was desperate to make it work and worried about having a failed marriage so I put a plaster over the wound and suppressed my feelings. I eventually exploded.

I feel trapped mostly financially, I do not want to love my h and still have no remorse. I fear I am beyond saving and have an evil streak.

@n00bie

I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to randomly state that my husband could never ever cheat, but I don’t believe that he would. I’ve read through the replies on here and I know that must look naive to those who have previously believed the same of their partners only to have them cheat, but I’d rather trust him and be let down than believe that the person I trust most in the world could cheat on me. I believe 100% that I wouldn’t cheat on him, and I believe as close to 100% as you ever can be about another person who’s actions you can’t control that he wouldn’t cheat on me. If I’m ever wrong then I’ll deal with that as it comes, but I don’t want to live with any doubt.

Of course nobody would believe their spouse would though - who'd marry someone expecting them to be a cheater

@myomy thank you, life is difficult right now but keep telling myself it will get better. I wanted to work on my marriage and to make it something better for both of us. I think I could have learned to trust again and I certainly do love my wife but she’s bounced between myself and OM over the last year and with her living here while seeing the OM currently is just killing any love I have left for her. She’s checked out and I just want out the situation myself. So this experience alone has taught me that leaving a relationship like this just hurts everyone all round and so it it’s just cemented what I already felt before and that’s to be honest and open, yes it still hurts if you fall out of love with someone or just don’t see a future with the but to do it when there is someone else lined up is just toxic for all involved.

think it is more about how the ap makes the unfaithful spouse feel
This
When I was about 14 I read a novel ‘Valley of the Dolls’ and a lot of what I read in in it character-wise has been shown to be true over the years -just wish I had taken it on board then.
One character is s famous movie actress. She discovers her husband, a set designer, has been cheating on her with the (less attractive) nanny. When she screams at him ‘What do you see in her???’ He just replies ‘She makes me feel 10 feet tall.
Years later my H cheated on me with a person who had the knack (she did it serially) of making men feel flattered like that.
Flattery is hard to resist, especially when you have mundane worries (like we all do) which is why I now think everyone is susceptible to at least an EA.

@myomy still struggling with the hurt but he is trying to show me he is sorry in every possible way. I just feel sad to my core but hope in time we can repair.

Yup agree that anyone is capable of cheating and not everyone is obviously or show signs. My ex was and is a quiet intelligent man, not a flirt or a player. He did however cheat on me and believe he was in love elsewhere. Not one person can say they trust their partner 100%. I would never trust anyone fully again.

From what I've seen and experienced personally, I'd divide "cheaters" into 4 main groups.

My husband doesn’t fit in to any of those groups, by your argument I can be sure he won’t ever have an affair?

Actually, I’m as sure as I can be that he won’t. I don’t really care if people want to use their own experiences to call me delusional or stupid or foolish or whatever other name in order for them to feel superior. Whatever has happened to them in their lives to bring them to that conclusion is their business. When I look around at my friends, family and their relationships, there has been only one which broke up due to infidelity. I’ve had 4 serious relationships in my long years of dating and have not been cheated on (although I expect someone will be along to tell me some of them must have cheated, I’m just an idiot to believe they didn’t)

As always, you do you. It’s sad that your relationship broke down, but you are not me, and OH is not your husband. I’m happy enough in my life to believe he won’t. Just like I believe my house will never go on fire. If either of those things happen, I’ll deal with it then. I couldn’t be arsed with wondering if that time, he was half an hour late home from work he was fucking a colleague, or if that Christmas night out he met a woman at the bar. That must be exhausting and is not how I’d want to live my life.

A couple of years ago, I learned about that thing on your phone that has listed all the places you’d been. Work, school, Tesco, the odd work trip etc. He went through his and it was literally work, Tesco, home and then we had places that matched where we’d gone out together. Unless he is getting it on with the woman on the check out, or one of the two women in their 60s who are the only women in his workplace, I can be fairly certain he isn’t playing away.

Yup agree that anyone is capable of cheating and not everyone is obviously or show signs.

If everyone is capable of cheating, every woman here could also have an affair. How many women asserting most guys will cheat can be certain they never would?

@baileys6904

Sorry but I think you're just takung advantage of your audience here, hence why you moved the thread to a forum where the majority of the posts are about relationship issues and infidelity. I can 100% say that I would never have an affair. As a child I witnessed the devastation of my mum doing so, and still living with the neglect, emotional issues and psychological damage that did to me as a child, lost my brother when he was 23 and the mess his head was in for the 10 years prior. There is no way in hell that I would ever have an affair. And if my experiences and priorities are as such, it means other peoples can be as well. I didn't stay with my ex for the kids or because I was more financially secure etc etc. It wasn't working, I wasn't happy and so we split up. Not everyone has or will have affairs

@baileys6904

Exactly. Infidelity is relatively common, however there are still many men and women who will never have affairs, whatever the circumstances. Due to the forum we're all on, there's understandably a lot.of hurt and jaded people on here.

Having an affair is ALWAYS a choice. Certain personality types and backgrounds e.g. people who are insecure and seek validation form others, are more likely to cheat, but even in these cases it's a conscious decision to betray your partner in the most horrific way.

Also in my experience, a lot of people don't always have good discernment when choosing a life/long term partner. Sadly many of the very people who say "my partner will never cheat" are actually with men who ARE more likely to cheat, they just don't see it.

Men who are selfish in any way are always a warning sign. Being a selfish and self centred person is a necessary starting block to conduct an affair, so men who exhibit selfishness in other areas (even if they're good in others) are some of the types more likely to have affairs.

I was one of those women who was adament her husband would never cheat. Until he did. For years i always said I would leave if he ever did, I'd never forgive him, blah blah blah. Yet I'm still with him, basically a shell of the woman I used to be though. It's gradually getting better but my point is you can be so sure of something like I was, but when you experience it yourself it's a whole different ball game!