I never thought he would have an affair

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

Just having a think about my marriage and would appreciate some input...
There’s a thread running on AIBU where a fair few posters have said that they 100% know that their husband/partner would never cheat on them - due to mutual respect etc.
The thing is I didn’t think DH would ever have an affair , and then he did . Does this mean I thought we had mutual respect for each other - and it turns out that he didn’t , and should I have some how known in advance that what I thought was 100% commitment and mutual trust and respect (20 years of it!) ... actually wasn’t that at all ( was in fact something that could easily be put aside for a work fling ) ? How would I have seen it coming , when I too (like posters on the other thread) was convinced it would never ever happen?

You can literally never be adamant that your partner would never cheat.

I’m about as sure as I can be. DH and I have a great relationship. We’re good friends. We both have great role models in our own parents and their relationships.

DH thinks divorce is ‘tacky’ and prides himself on not knowing any divorced couples among his parents’ friends, or his own friends. I have a very small handful amongst mine.

So I think I can reasonably rest assured that he’s not going to cheat or do anything else to jeopardise what we have.

But you’d have to be really - I dunno - deluded? Sheltered? Naive? - to state with absolute certainty that it couldn’t happen to you, or your DH would never.

Nobody can say that, no matter how sure they think they are.

@MintyMabel

From what I've seen and experienced personally, I'd divide "cheaters" into 4 main groups.

My husband doesn’t fit in to any of those groups, by your argument I can be sure he won’t ever have an affair?

Actually, I’m as sure as I can be that he won’t. I don’t really care if people want to use their own experiences to call me delusional or stupid or foolish or whatever other name in order for them to feel superior. Whatever has happened to them in their lives to bring them to that conclusion is their business. When I look around at my friends, family and their relationships, there has been only one which broke up due to infidelity. I’ve had 4 serious relationships in my long years of dating and have not been cheated on (although I expect someone will be along to tell me some of them must have cheated, I’m just an idiot to believe they didn’t)

As always, you do you. It’s sad that your relationship broke down, but you are not me, and OH is not your husband. I’m happy enough in my life to believe he won’t. Just like I believe my house will never go on fire. If either of those things happen, I’ll deal with it then. I couldn’t be arsed with wondering if that time, he was half an hour late home from work he was fucking a colleague, or if that Christmas night out he met a woman at the bar. That must be exhausting and is not how I’d want to live my life.

A couple of years ago, I learned about that thing on your phone that has listed all the places you’d been. Work, school, Tesco, the odd work trip etc. He went through his and it was literally work, Tesco, home and then we had places that matched where we’d gone out together. Unless he is getting it on with the woman on the check out, or one of the two women in their 60s who are the only women in his workplace, I can be fairly certain he isn’t playing away.

Like you say, I wouldn't let the bad experiences of others put you off trusting your husband. We all acknowledge that people have free will and can therefore choose to cheat if they wish. Some will choose to do so, others will not. It's as simple as that. Cheaters will often try to justify their lack.of morals by trying to imply everyone is a cheat in the correct circumstances. Er no...

I think some people are consciously or unconsciously trying to tar everyone with the same brush in order to make themselves feel better. There are many men out there who are trustworthy, and half the battle is the choosing right sort of men in the first place who have had good role models growing up, exercise self control, and have good morals, including empathy and ability to sacrifice for others when it's difficult to do so and when there's no benefit to them. All these radically increase the odds of having a faithful, healthy and happy relationship. Yes, people can blindside you, but all too often some women repeatedly go for the wrong men then run around claiming all.men are cheats.

My ex fell into the drama llama group. It was all fun and sneaky and thrilling but in fact I knew about it. My DDad was ill though and I could only deal with that so I kept quiet. Eventually I got a care home for my Dad and I told them to get together because I didn't want Ex back.

I cracked on and served him papers and her DH put in for a transfer, got a flat with it and buggered off. Suddenly the bloom came right off the rose for them and they realised how irritiating the other actually was. Too late! He asked to come back and I told him I would rather eat my own hands : ) That was 2001 and he's still on his own.

I’ve been cheated on, and I had pretty strong intuition about it before I even had any proof. I don’t know why that was, but I do credit it partially to being a committed pessimist (or realist, as I prefer to call it). I honestly find it astonishing that some people genuinely believe it’ll never happen to them - I can’t fathom how they think they’re exempt. If you look at it from a purely statistical angle there is no outcome that says the likelihood of being cheated on is 0%!

I don’t trust anyone 100%, not even myself, because I know I’m as susceptible as the next person to do something completely out of character. That said, I don’t go around looking for evidence of wrongdoing from partners and friends - I’m actually pretty laid back and take things at face value - but when I’ve had intuition that something’s amiss I’ve never been wrong. Doesn’t make it less upsetting if it happens, but it does take away that nasty element of surprise. If you low key expect the worst all the time you can’t be shocked

I remember a friend who had been married nearly 30 years being absolutely blind sided by her husband's affair. He had always had such strong opinions before, even breaking off a friendship when he found out his friend was cheating on his wife.

Sometimes you can never know and the person least likely to cheat can still disappoint.

I did post on that other thread. I do trust my husband and I'm as confident as I can be that he wouldn't cheat but there is always that little bit of doubt in the back of my mind (my family history is littered with adultery in the generation above).

It is never the person who was cheated ons fault and really, unless your partner has cheated before then it should be a surprise if it happens. No healthy relationship should include 'expectations of cheating'.

I'm always sorry to hear of cheating spouse. I've seen the pain and deviation it causes. I still don't understand why, if you start to have feelings for someone else or if you are actively looking for another partner they don't just be honest and either work on their relationship or end it before they move on.

Just like I believe my house will never go on fire

Do you not have smoke alarms then?

or one of the two women in their 60s
Wow - lovely misogynistic dismissal of older women as sexless.
You’d be surprised - OW is rarely Jessica Rabbit no more than your DH is a sex-God.

I think I'd find it hard to let go of the resentment, and to trust again, and would find myself bringing it up in arguments.

This is what I would do

I feel trapped mostly financially, I do not want to love my h and still have no remorse. I fear I am beyond saving and have an evil streak.

faith50 that sounds very difficult & I would probably want "revenge" too. I'm fortunate that financially I would be ok so would like to think I would leave however I wouldn't know until I was in that situation.

Good point QuidditchQueen I'm not sure where the narrative comes from that partners only cheat with beautiful people. Just look at all the gorgeous celebs who have been cheated on for very average people.

Quidditch and mars2
I agree that the ow/om is not necessarily more attractive than the spouse. This to me is a cliche, just as is men having affairs with their secretaries. I believe people are attracted to how the person makes them feel. They receive some form of validation and high from the flattery, which they or may not be receiving at home.

I definitely agree, the OW in my marriage was less attractive, less intelligent and loved drama and attention.
H cheated with her because he felt lonely and she pursued him, flattered him and gave him the attention he wanted. He didn't find her attractive, he didn't want to leave me for her and definitely didn't love her, but he did ruin our marriage for her. I'm another one that was blindsided and I do feel stupid now for absolutely believing 100% that he wouldn't cheat, he wasn't that sort of man, until he was.

I’ve two friends, now divorced, who both had affairs. Still both of them think the other would never have cheated, and only think they did. They genuinely believe it and still don’t wish the other to know, as they don’t want to hurt them. They both 100 percent believe the other was faithful to them.

Everyone else knows, everyone else could have guaranteed it. But neither of them could see it. I think sometimes people get so wrapped up in themselves they simply don’t see what’s staring them in the face

[quote FelicityCentre]@lynsey91 as i said at the start, "I believe". thats still what I believe, despite your little rant/outburst. and i never said it was OK to cheat. In my opinion its not. I can just see how it happens. Doesnt make it ok and doesnt mean its something I would do. But I cannot say a decision I made at 25 would still be what I wanted at 75. And I also cannot say that I wouldnt fuck up in life. I dont believe I would cheat but I have had people close to me do it that I wouldnt expect to. All had different reasons. All not acceptable but I can see what they were thinking. It happens everyday. Sometimes people do things wrong and thats life. I hope your DH thinks the same as you or its a very long way for you to fall from that horse.[/quote]
My DH does think the same as me thank you very much. There are still people who have morals and abide by them you know.

Nobody just "does things wrong" when it comes to cheating. They make the decision to cheat because they are pathetic and have no morals. It's quite easy not to take your clothes off and get into bed with someone.

There are no valid reasons for cheating just people convincing themselves there are.

@Mulberry974

Yup agree that anyone is capable of cheating and not everyone is obviously or show signs. My ex was and is a quiet intelligent man, not a flirt or a player. He did however cheat on me and believe he was in love elsewhere. Not one person can say they trust their partner 100%. I would never trust anyone fully again.

Of course everyone is "capable" of cheating. We could all meet up with someone and have sex but that doesn't mean we all would.

I know I never would and, yes, I am absolutely certain about that. Why do people try to make out it is something beyond their control?

I have very strong views on marriage fidelity as does my DH. I totally trust him. If others don't trust their partners that is just sad but not that surprising when so many people seem to think cheating is ok/a mistake/something you have little control over

@23PissOffAvenueWF

You can literally never be adamant that your partner would never cheat.

I’m about as sure as I can be. DH and I have a great relationship. We’re good friends. We both have great role models in our own parents and their relationships.

DH thinks divorce is ‘tacky’ and prides himself on not knowing any divorced couples among his parents’ friends, or his own friends. I have a very small handful amongst mine.

So I think I can reasonably rest assured that he’s not going to cheat or do anything else to jeopardise what we have.

But you’d have to be really - I dunno - deluded? Sheltered? Naive? - to state with absolute certainty that it couldn’t happen to you, or your DH would never.

Nobody can say that, no matter how sure they think they are.

I am not deluded nor am I sheltered or naive. I know my husband and the sort of person he is. I know his views on marriage and infidelity. I can totally say he has never cheated and never will just as I can say I never have and never will.

There are plenty of men (and women) who would never cheat. My dad never would have done.

That was me. I could have written what you’ve written @lynsey91. It wasn’t a physical affair in the end, it was after 21 years of being together and 18 years of marriage. We are still together and nearly 18 months on and things are better, I believe he feels awful. I will never accept or forgive it if I’m honest.

I’d also say all my friends except 2 would say our marriage is strong and safe and no-one would cheat including him. We’d talked about infidelity loads and he had always held the same view (or so I thought). He judges others fir having affairs, before remembering what he did. It’s weird.

I can totally say he has never cheated and never will just as I can say I never have and never will.

I don't understand how it's possible to predict the future. I'm very sure I wouldn't cheat but if my 30 something husband became incapacitated or I had a terminal cancer diagnosis I have no idea how I would react.

If others don't trust their partners that is just sad

I trust DH as much as you trust him so don't think about cheating or checking up on him etc but that doesn't mean I trust him 100%.

lynsey91
While I believe we are all capable of being unfaithful, I do not believe everyone has or will do. I know my h has been unfaithful and I in turn was unfaithful- both our choices though under a different set of circumstances.

I do not assume everyone around me has, is about to or will cheat in future. I do not look at my friends' seemingly happy marriages and assume it is only a matter of time before one of them is unfaithful. You are right to trust your dh just as the other spouses on here did, as I did. A relationship/marriage is pointless if a spouse is constantly on the look out and mistrusting of the other.

When infidelity hits your marriage, your eyes are open. You feel duped and humiliated, that you pulled the short straw by choosing someone that would bring you unimaginable pain and destruction. I have learnt infidelity says nothing about the betrayed spouse (their beauty, personality, education, character) and speaks volumes about the emotional and sad state of the unfaithful spouse. People who are full, confident and self assured in themselves do not cheat. People who are weak, lack self-esteem, need validation and suppress their emotions cheat. I say this as someone who was betrayed and who went on to be unfaithful.

Baffled why anyone needs to change what anyone else believes about future cheating.

Its not like being paranoid stops it being painful- and its not like someone who didn’t know their partner cheated is a “fool”- they aren’t. They are not to blame.

in fact, one of the things people miss the most when it comes to light is the bliss of trust, now gone forever.

So why turn people’s heads who are still in trust with their partners with dark warnings that it could be anyone? They are to be envied surely?

Although the logic is off the trust is a privilege noone need lost until its necessary

Although ON that logic- I do get some people come off as impossibly smug which it is tempting to take down a peg or two. Eg the person who said their DH is such a cold snob he thinks divorce is “tacky” and is weirdly proud all his friends have stayed together (not sure what possible business is that of his?) - and that’s why he won’t have an affair- that rather gross logic surely just suggests he wont get divorced, not that he won’t sneak around

Trust doesn't come with a percentage rating though does it? You don't say "I trust you 87%" , because what you're really saying is that you don't trust them. I trust my husband not to cheat on me, I trust my husband not to intentionally hurt me too.

One day he might tell me he feels differently about me and end the relationship but I trust him to do that fairly and not screw me over. I think it's sad that people who trust their husbands are being called deluded.

their DH is such a cold snob he thinks divorce is “tacky”

That's odd, is it better to suffer domestic abuse because divorce is tacky?

Can I ask those who say you can't trust your OH 100% or, even sadder, yourself whether you can trust your OH and yourself not to go out and commit a murder, break into a house and burgle it, shoplift? Maybe in exceptional circumstances you could murder someone such as self defence and maybe if you had starving children you would shoplift.

If you can say you and your OH would definitely not do those things why is cheating different? Or maybe you would like to explain to me exactly what the exceptional circumstances are that would cause someone to cheat

@mars2

I can totally say he has never cheated and never will just as I can say I never have and never will.

I don't understand how it's possible to predict the future. I'm very sure I wouldn't cheat but if my 30 something husband became incapacitated or I had a terminal cancer diagnosis I have no idea how I would react.

Even if my DH became very ill I can be absolutely sure I would not cheat. I just believe it is totally wrong to cheat. I took my marriage vows seriously.

Why on earth would cheating on someone who is dying be ok? How could someone even be able to? Maybe I just have more of a conscience than some others. I can't even tell a small lie to DH. I once lied about how much something cost (it was only an item of clothing) and then could not sleep and felt awful so I had to tell him.

@lynsey91 you misunderstand. I strongly believe cheating is wrong, I have never cheated & don't believe I was ever cheated on. My point is even though I would like to think I wouldn't cheat no matter the circumstances I can't be sure unless i'm i'm them. That's all