"No, I think you're hideous"

[JustAVerySmallVoice]

If you were having a 3am heart to heart conversation with someone you had been dating for 3 or 4 months in which you asked them if they thought you were attractive and this was their response, what would you think?

Why would someone date someone and introduce them to their friends etc if they thought this?

I'm used to being told I'm not pretty enough or could lose a bit of weight by men I've dated but these are usually implied. No one has ever been that direct before.

At the time, I didn't know what to think. I just thought, "Well, at least he's honest," and, although it upset me, I didn't end it straight away. I think I just appreciated the honesty

We dated for a few more months but the comment never left me. I just felt really uncomfortable that that was how he saw me and so I started to withdraw from him emotionally and physically and, in the end, I was just miserable and dumped him. The final straw was when he once, and for the first and only time, told me I looked 'really pretty' when i was ill and exhausted and objectively looked the worst he'd ever seen me. It just felt like a cruel joke.

On reflection, I don't think he was being honest. I think I put him on the spot by asking him. I think he didn't want to lie by saying, "Yes," I think he didn't want to be unkind and say, "No," so I think he gave an obviously untrue exaggerated response in order to avoid answering honestly.

Just looking at all this again...

He told you that he found you pretty when you were sick. You interpreted that as cruel. It really wasn’t. It was sweet of him. If he didn’t think you looked pretty he wouldn’t have said you did.

He’s also told you a couple of times you look nice. That’s a man’s way of telling you he finds you attractive. He’s told you verbally on several occasions that you look nice or pretty. He’s proved through his actions of spending time with you that he is attracted to you. But you aren’t taking any of it on board.

Now, I can’t tell if the main problem is that your autism isn’t giving you a realistic appraisal of the situation or if it’s a deeper psychological problem and insecurity about your own physical attractiveness. Are you able to access any support in real life? Even if not professional...maybe a good girl friend that you can run all this past and ask what she thinks it all means when you run into these confusions in real life.

Men generally don’t constantly physically praise their partners, no matter how beautiful. What you’ve described (the odd “you look pretty/nice” now and again) is very typical. In fact, in my experience, the ones who constantly mention how hot/beautiful/pretty/attractive etc you are are to be avoided - they are only there for the sex and see women as pretty objects to use rather than genuine life partners they admire and respect.

@JustAVerySmallVoice

Did your boyfriend know that you are autistic?

He did but he doesnt have much experience of autistic people. I think he sometimes forgot or didnt realise it was there all the time. If that makes sense.

I often get told I don't 'look' or 'sound' autistic which makes me wary of talking to people about it because they don't get it.

I am sorry this happens to you. It's hard, but it is best to talk about it. The more they are reminded, the more they will understand.

People keep saying 'it was a joke or sarcasm' but theres also a saying... behind every jest is an element of truth

That's how i see it.

I think he couldn't answer yes because it was untrue and he couldn't answer no because it was unkind so he deflected it with an exaggerated response. And that was where i got to once I'd got past thinking he was just being honest.

As for suggestions to talk to him, if it was a sarcastic reply because he thought i was fishing for compliments, I don't think bringing it up again would help.

"It's just like when someone is clearing your plate that you've practically licked clean. They ask how was the food? &.you reply 'it was disgusting!

Thats the point though. I wouldnt do that. Why would i tell someone who had gone to a lot of effort that the food was disgusting if it wasn't?"

The answer to that question is... because you assume they can tell from the fact you just cleared your plate that indeed you DID enjoy the food and therefore, by deliberately using the opposite words to what you mean you are making a joke. The humour comes from the fact that you both know that you are using the opposite words to what you mean, and it intensified by using very extreme words (disgusting rather than not to my taste). Its a basic inside joke based around language. Like when my son used to say nonsense like "the sky is green". He knew it wasnt. I knew it wasnt therefore it was funny (his first attempt at humour).
It is fine not to get that sort of humour, it is fine not to think it is funny (many dont). But it isnt lying/dishonest because the people being sarcastic (usually) expect you to be in on the sarcasm. Now, if you had explained that you dont "get" sarcasm and someone continued to be sarcastic around you, that would be something else.

@JustAVerySmallVoice

It's just like when someone is clearing your plate that you've practically licked clean. They ask how was the food? &.you reply 'it was disgusting!

Thats the point though. I wouldnt do that. Why would i tell someone who had gone to a lot of effort that the food was disgusting if it wasn't?

This aside, would you still be interested in a relationship with him? Do you still have feelings or an attraction to him?

I don't know. Probably not. Indo still have feelings for him but, at the moment, I couldnt get past this and then I think it would just happen again.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him that you think you may have misinterpreted something he said because of your autism. And that you backed away from him because you were upset about it. You don't have to specifically ask him to clarify or reassure you but, by being honest about what happened from your point of view, you give him the opportunity to explain if you have indeed misunderstood.

I couldn't do that because I don't really want to bring it up with him now.

Ok, well if you don’t want to try and resolve the problem and you aren’t interested in a relationship with him you need to let this drop. It’s a misunderstanding of a joke due to your autism. You are not hideous.

More importantly, you need a plan going forward.

If someone genuinely DID call you hideous, that is completely unacceptable and you need to assert yourself. Given your way of processing social interactions you need to make it clear to the other party in future, how a statement is received so that both of you together can resolve these misunderstandings or possible conflicts.

Ie

You: Do you think I’m attractive?

Him: No, I think you’re hideous.

You: I find that a very hurtful thing to say. You have upset me.

Him: I was joking! I didn’t seriously mean you are hideous!

You: Because of my autism, when you say “I think you are hideous”, then I think that you mean it literally. I struggle to understand some humour. Right now I think you genuinely find me hideous. Is that the case?

Him: Gosh no, of course I find you attractive!

You: Ok, please can you try and always say what you really mean around me to avoid confusion and hurt in future.

Or if by some bizarre case it’s

Him: Yes I genuinely do think you are hideous!

You: Please leave, it’s not acceptable for you call me hideous. I don’t want anything to do with you in future. Get out.

Or take another example

You: Did you enjoy the dinner I made you?

Him: No it was disgusting!

You: You thought the dinner I made you was disgusting? Do you mean to be so rude? What specifically was wrong with it?

Him: It’s a joke! It was delicious.

You: I feel very confused. I’ve explained before I’m autistic and don’t get certain types of humour. I didn’t understand that was a joke. In future, please say what you mean as I felt really hurt just now.

You’ve got to at least give people, and yourself, a chance to rectify problems and misunderstandings and to assert your needs and have them met. If he doesn’t know he upset you then he can’t apologise and help you find peace or a resolution.

If it was a miserable relationship anyway maybe he was disguising a sarcastic joke as being more sinister, you weren't happy so you dumped him, you did the right thing so put it in the past.

@fluffiphlox

You have taken a flippant, sarcastic comment literally. It was in response to the sort of question a teenager would ask. You sound like hard work if this is your normal M.O.

Op has just said she is Autistic and you call her hard work? Disablist at best

OP further to the advice above, in future a less overwhelming go to technique might be the “broken record technique”. I’ve found this works with catty people who make sly digs but it could also work in situations like yours. You just keep repeating back to them what they said to you.

“You don’t find me attractive? You think I’m hideous?” “You think I’m hideous?” “I’m hideous?” “I’m not attractive?” “You just said you don’t find me attractive?”

Obviously leaving space for them to interject and dropping it once you get an acceptable response or an outcome you are happy with. Often after one or two broken record questions the other person will either apologise and clarify what they meant or feel like a complete idiot and stop picking on you in future!

If you genuinely believe he thought you were hideous and directly called you hideous...why on Earth have you stayed friends with him?!

I’m extremely insecure and feel very ugly but I get told I’m attractive, if I say anything negative about my appearance my friends, family or DH often reply with a sarcastic comment like that.
Did he know you have insecurities? He could have just assumed you know he finds you attractive (remember not everyone verbally expresses thief attraction to someone) so he was making a sarcastic joke.

Their attraction*

I'd think the person was joking. Because really nobody would say that to somebody they were dating.

If you don't do anything about it, and can't lay it to rest by means of your own brain or this thread, then you're stuck with it upsetting you permanently whenever you remember it.

Maybe see a counsellor, or ask/explain to the bloke. You've not got much to lose, if he's nasty in response (unlikely) it's best if you know what he's like so you can get him out of your life. If he's that bad then he'd be no loss.

Previous posters made a good point that it can be nice to get compliments in a relationship and if he didn't compliment you in everyday life he wasn't the ideal boyfriend.

Sorry this has been so upsetting for you.

Sarcasm is a normal device for most people to intensify the meaning of their response. Like, the radiator in our bedroom is broken so my DH iften says "lovely and warm in here" to say it is really cold. For most people, sarcasm is used without thinking and keeps language playful and interesting.

It must be really frustrating if you don't "get" sarcasm. There are no hard and fast rules, but if what someone is saying seems illogical and excessive there's a good chance it is sarcasm. So a usually caring boyfriend saying "you are hideous" is pretty clearly sarcasm, meaning "you are really attractive".

Do you wish to still be with him? If so, you could show him this thread.

I find people I like attractive. They may or may not be objectively good looking but if I like their personality I'll find them good looking and the reverse is also true. If I don't like their personality then despite how they look, I won't find them attractive.

I also take it as given that whoever is with me is attractive to me.

I have never asked anyone that question and would find it strange if my boyfriend asked me it. I mean of course I find him a attractive- very! That's a given

Some of these responses are downright rude and unhelpful. OP, you were not at all unreasonable for asking him. It's a weighty and important question that did not deserve a sarcastic, cutting response. It would have been nice if he had taken your needs and your feelings into consideration before answering you that way. It is human to want validation from our mate. Even if that wasn't what you were after, I am sorry some of these posters have attempted to suggest that there would be something wrong with you for seeking validation from someone you care about.

I guess they must be effortlessly self assured and continuously looking down their noses at anyone who might (gasp!) seek reassurance, or simply ask their partner an important question and expect a halfway serious and mature response.

But OP in my opinion it doesn't bode well. I've known ppl who have that harsh, biting "sense of humour" and usually that is not their only "personality quirk". I like to be with someone who at least thinks enough of me to be thoughtful and kind. I hear a lot of children use sarcasm the way your boyfriend did, and right or wrong, I expect better from adults.

You did the right thing ending it, and I'm very sorry OP. I hope you find someone a lot more mature and thoughtful who will make you happy. 💐

It’s either sarcasm or negging

@Sandgrown1970

Just looking at all this again...

He told you that he found you pretty when you were sick. You interpreted that as cruel. It really wasn’t. It was sweet of him. If he didn’t think you looked pretty he wouldn’t have said you did.

He’s also told you a couple of times you look nice. That’s a man’s way of telling you he finds you attractive. He’s told you verbally on several occasions that you look nice or pretty. He’s proved through his actions of spending time with you that he is attracted to you. But you aren’t taking any of it on board.

Now, I can’t tell if the main problem is that your autism isn’t giving you a realistic appraisal of the situation or if it’s a deeper psychological problem and insecurity about your own physical attractiveness. Are you able to access any support in real life? Even if not professional...maybe a good girl friend that you can run all this past and ask what she thinks it all means when you run into these confusions in real life.

Men generally don’t constantly physically praise their partners, no matter how beautiful. What you’ve described (the odd “you look pretty/nice” now and again) is very typical. In fact, in my experience, the ones who constantly mention how hot/beautiful/pretty/attractive etc you are are to be avoided - they are only there for the sex and see women as pretty objects to use rather than genuine life partners they admire and respect.

That's actually really helpful. Thank you.

If you genuinely believe he thought you were hideous and directly called you hideous...why on Earth have you stayed friends with him?!

I was shocked when he said it so I didnt ask why hebhad said it. After hearing that, I didn't want to talk about it anymore. It was 3am.and we'd both had a drink so I couldn't drive home. By the morning, I felt quite anxious about it and didnt want to mention it again so i just pretended it hadn't happened.

Afterwards, i was confused by it. I didnt understand why he would be with me if that was what he thought. After thinking about it, I realised that he probably didn't actually think I was hideous but that yes would have been a lie and he didnt want to upset me by being honest and saying no. So he'd said that as a way of a 'joke' to avoid answering it properly.

It didnt occur to me that he would say that and the opposite be true. I just thought at least he hadn't lied and I can't tolerate lying. But it did matter and, like I said, I made myself very small in the relationship. I was less affectionate and, also like I said, I felt uncomfortable when we were out in public and embarrassed and ashamed for him being seen with me. I didnt know now I was supposed to behave. I didnt want him to be thinking that he wished I'd leave him alone. So I generally did. Or at least wasn't affectionate towards him. I suppose I just behaved like I would if he'd been another friend so people.would just think that and it wouldnt embarrass him.

I don't expect anyone to think I'm attractive but I didn't understand why he was with me if he didn't. I don't really care if friends think I'm attractive so it's not a problem.

It’s either sarcasm or negging

I know that negging is saying unkind things but I don't understand what it is for or why people do it. What is it supposed to achieve if people just dump you because of it?

I also didn't say anything about it because i do have some insecurities about my looks and never draw attention to myself in that respect or talk about it. I never ask someone what they think of how I look etc.

He wouldnt have been sick of me asking or mentioning it because it was the only time I ever said anything or asked his opinion of me or anything about me.

I don't know what made me think of it yesterday. I haven't remembered it since I broke up with him. But I also think it has stayed with me. It's just added itself to the database of stuff about me in my head.

I don't really have an interest in another relationship in the future. I find them too difficult generally and all.the negative things I've heard just add up and it's only me telling myself any differently.

He has been a good and very supportive friend since we broke up.

OP in your situation I would definitely explain the reason for the break up to your ex and see what comes of it.

Do you miss him as a partner or are you happy being friends?

I may have missed it in the thread apologies, but does he know that you are autistic?

I did think about this thread after I went to bed though.

I'm starting to feel like I would like to talk to him about it. Just to see if he was being sarcastic.

Sorry I missed your last message in which you said you aren’t interested in another relationship.

Still I think it might be helpful (in my opinion I know you feel differently) to have this conversation with your ex - about how affected you have been by the statement he made. He will also then I am sure reassure you that he didn’t mean it and was in fact saying the opposite.

I may have missed it in the thread apologies, but does he know that you are autistic?

He does know now but he didn't know at the time.

Do you miss him as a partner or are you happy being friends?

Both really. I do miss him as a boyfriend but I like the friendship we have now.

I don't know if I would want to change that.

My take would be that he was being sarcastic but being so literal you overthought it. I also think that you should seek help for your self esteem and mental heath in general.
I'm more worried that you would stay in a relationship where you feel "less than" also your lack of comfort in asking the questions of him indicates that you may be open to be taken advantage of at some point. Not necessarily by this guy but maybe others. Please have boundaries, you are worth boundaries.
Us autistic people are more prone to anxiety/low self esteem. However, they are issues in themselves. You should be able to ask a partner to clarify a statement, he needs to know that this is what you need. He needs to know how to communicate effectively with you. You, also need to learn to be a little more analytical in regards to what he says. Not to take everything as a negative towards you. Have confidence!!
Ask for what you need, you've probably spent your whole life masking, it will damage you to mask in relationships too.

I think I just feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed about bringing it up.

I think it is definitely worth having the conversation with him about the sarcastic comment and how it inadvertently lead to your break up.

I don’t think there is anything to lose as it won’t affect a solid friendship, and it might also lead to the rekindling of your relationship you never know, and then you could have the relationship and the friendship.

It sounds as if he cares about you a lot.