Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards. I do deserve better. Bloody hard to find though!

@SortingItOut I never take your messages the wrong way. You are utterly kickass and as a subscriber to podcasts with titles like “Nobody Cares, Work Harder” and a personal trainer who pushes me till I am almost in tears and shows no mercy I do appreciate tough love to stop me being a whiny ass bitch 😂. I always take on board your advice. And yes Mr G has family and friends. But nothing like to the extent I do. It is my life’s work to build connections. I have hundreds of friends. I really put huge time and effort into relationships with everyone. So in a way he needs me more. But obviously isn’t putting the work in practically. He talks a good game. But what infuriated me is I crossed my daughter’s boundaries and my own to prove a commitment to him, one that he said he wanted. And he didn’t do the same. After pushing me. Like his kids are more special and sensitive than mine. Well they aren’t and nobody disrespects my DD.

@UtterSocks

Thanks *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*. I do deserve better. Bloody hard to find though!

@SortingItOut I never take your messages the wrong way. You are utterly kickass and as a subscriber to podcasts with titles like “Nobody Cares, Work Harder” and a personal trainer who pushes me till I am almost in tears and shows no mercy I do appreciate tough love to stop me being a whiny ass bitch 😂. I always take on board your advice. And yes Mr G has family and friends. But nothing like to the extent I do. It is my life’s work to build connections. I have hundreds of friends. I really put huge time and effort into relationships with everyone. So in a way he needs me more. But obviously isn’t putting the work in practically. He talks a good game. But what infuriated me is I crossed my daughter’s boundaries and my own to prove a commitment to him, one that he said he wanted. And he didn’t do the same. After pushing me. Like his kids are more special and sensitive than mine. Well they aren’t and nobody disrespects my DD.

@UtterSocks ❤️

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma yay! He sounds lovely 😃 so pleased it worked out! Is a second date on the cards? ❤️[/quote]
Yes he's already texted xx

@UtterSocks

Am I right in thinking MrG is the one you have always had doubts over due to chaotic home life (he doesn’t want to put boundaries up with ex)

so his “solution” seems to be to insert himself into YOUR stable home environment?

I’d tread carefully here - he may be saying all the right things/playing vulnerability

but the end result seems to be him encroaching on your boundaries and always “ending up at yours as default”? Now he’s in with your children so no excuse for him not coming over when he likes

There’s a hell of a lot of these charming lovestruck (wannabe cocklodgers) types out there?

If you’re struggling at the moment with other non dating stuff (I’m in the same boat so know I’m feeling lonely and vulnerable)

then I imagine naturally you’re wanting some romantic distraction and relief and support ? But someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart is not going to make things better, just add more chaos.

maybe just accept it’s going to be tough for a while and prioritise your self care and mental health for now?

Keep posting here or on other mumsnet places and you’ll get through this

But what infuriated me is I crossed my daughter’s boundaries and my own to prove a commitment to him, one that he said he wanted. And he didn’t do the same. After pushing me. Like his kids are more special and sensitive than mine

@UtterSocks this is the bit that would infuriate me the most. I know if I ever introduce any man to my kids it will be huge and I would expect it to be done as part of a reciprocal introduction or after I’ve met his kids.
To not be on board or even get that is simply not on. As spring has said it’s more of him dropping himself deeper into your life without needing to let you into his.

On another note this thread has less than 20 posts left so we need to name the next :)

No, I have no regrets about leaving @BelladiMamma

Glad you had a good date and a text already too 😀

@UtterSocks sorry I didn’t mean to try to explain away his behaviour at all, just realised it might read that way. It is bad and he has massively let you down by not reciprocating (after all the pressure for you to commit) I would be furious too.

Did we ever do “Lockdown longing” or “Lockdown loneliness” as a title?

Well we have now

new thread

‘Living la vida lockdown’?

@UtterSocks is it possible you caught him off guard with your gestures and he is just floundering for a bit? I guess a lot depends on sitting back and waiting for his next move.

@Eesha I didn’t get the pot noodle thing but now I do, I feel pretty annoyed. It’s trivialising incredibly important issues, isn’t it? Not a good look in a profile. I’m sorry you’re feeling down, on this thread we all know you deserve only the best - and it will happen, I’m sure.

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic

I played dictator and pushed the "new thread" button

new thread

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic yup, i just find it offensive how men think all single parents want is a man to complete things!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@UtterSocks

Am I right in thinking MrG is the one you have always had doubts over due to chaotic home life (he doesn’t want to put boundaries up with ex)

so his “solution” seems to be to insert himself into YOUR stable home environment?

I’d tread carefully here - he may be saying all the right things/playing vulnerability

but the end result seems to be him encroaching on your boundaries and always “ending up at yours as default”? Now he’s in with your children so no excuse for him not coming over when he likes

There’s a hell of a lot of these charming lovestruck (wannabe cocklodgers) types out there?

If you’re struggling at the moment with other non dating stuff (I’m in the same boat so know I’m feeling lonely and vulnerable)

then I imagine naturally you’re wanting some romantic distraction and relief and support ? But someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart is not going to make things better, just add more chaos.

maybe just accept it’s going to be tough for a while and prioritise your self care and mental health for now?

Keep posting here or on other mumsnet places and you’ll get through this [/quote]
Very wise advice.

What is cocklodger...?!

@BelladiMamma

A cocklodger is someone who wants to live with a woman, not out of true love, but as his living situation is chaotic or he doesn't want to pay for his own place

so he wants to get unlimited access her stable home environment so she can look after him. "Cock for lodging". Turn up with a cheap bottle of wine on Tuesday and leave at the weekend.

Of course in dating it's nice to host and have home dates

And a lot of people are financially struggling, and dating shouldn't be based on finances - for the man or the woman.

but there's a balance between that and someone just wanting to access your home desperately when it suits them.

A common thing in early dating is "cocklodger lite" - someone who wants to only "date" based on being able to come to yours for sex and hang-out at the last minute.

It's not about love or passion, it's using your home as a hang-out zone.

He may tell you he really loves you.

but If you tell him you've decided to save for a Masters degree to progress your career, and are living with your parents now but as he really loves you and you himhe can still date you but you can't "host", you won't see him for dust.

@BelladiMamma that's brilliant. So happy for you