Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@noodles44

No he was pretty keen but I don’t like men dropping in lol.

And I’m not really prepared for hosting and am as furry as a gorilla and not sure how to feel about sex with someone going away for eight months.

Have suggested we meet today “out” instead - he’s provisionally agreed but I’m not holding my breath (have lots to do with work etc)

Incidentally I do think that ties into “improving boundaries” - a few years ago I’d have agreed for MrMilitary to come round at short notice even if it was inconvenient for me?

But now I’m just like

• I’ve communicated to him I don’t like short notice meets with someone I’m not steady with

• I’ve communicated I’d prefer some out meets

• If he decides to throw a wobbly and then not meet at all that’s not my issue, plenty of other dates to be had?

So with holding boundaries I have to be prepared to just not see someone - but that’s fine?

Well done, that sounds like really good boundaries to have too. I hope he doesn’t throw his toys out and meets today for a walk outside on your terms. You are totally right in what you say and how you have approached it tbh.

I love your hairy as a gorilla comment! I would say I would need a decent bit of notice to de-fuzz too 🤣

@BelladiMamma agreed 😂

To be honest, Mr Funny's comments have hit a nerve. Ive been going back over them.He kept saying that he was trying with me but I don't trust men.

He didn't try. The first question he asked me when we started talking was 'how long was your last relationship?' And then went on to tell me that 'god, he's had a lot of relationships.' Like it was something to be congratulated.

He then was sort of begging me to trust him. Why should I trust Someone that I've only known for two minutes, and how is anyone going to prove that? Nobody can. Men (like my ex, for example) can decide that they don't want a nice girlfriend any more and wonder off.

I had an argument with my mum last night where she basically agreed with him too.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I imagine you’ll develop your own personal system for screening and boundaries as time goes on?

But I general I think anyone trying to psychoanalyse you before even meeting is a bit of a red flag! Plus asking a complete stranger to “trust” you?!

Obviously we all have different conversation/chat styles

but I’d say I prefer early initial communication to be quite light - it’s just setting up a meet/checking for red flags.

Maybe some compliments but really you don’t even know them yet - so just general stuff like “you look nice”/“looking forward to meeting you”.

Certainly no photo “requests” - I like sending them voluntarily sometimes (like I sent MrPM a cute selfie just a it’s still a few weeks till I’m in his city ) but someone asking for them is a red flag for me.

We’re not trying to build intimacy as we’re strangers, just get to the meeting stage.

If the meet doesn’t happen I don’t want to have spent ages on a fantasy interaction.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

To be honest, Mr Funny's comments have hit a nerve. Ive been going back over them.He kept saying that he was trying with me but I don't trust men.

He didn't try. The first question he asked me when we started talking was 'how long was your last relationship?' And then went on to tell me that 'god, he's had a lot of relationships.' Like it was something to be congratulated.

He then was sort of begging me to trust him. Why should I trust Someone that I've only known for two minutes, and how is anyone going to prove that? Nobody can. Men (like my ex, for example) can decide that they don't want a nice girlfriend any more and wonder off.

I had an argument with my mum last night where she basically agreed with him too.

I've had this a little bit with my Mum too. Even though she's a banner waving feminist she's really stuck in the groove of needing / wanting a man at any cost. It's a generational thing I think. They put with way too much and it's all, must look lovely and fresh for my dh.

Sorry I'm just not that person anymore. I'm a great catch even though I say it myself & I'm pretty hot too without being a gym bunny. So frankly chaps, form an orderly queue and I'll be doing the choosing thank you very much 🤣🤣🤣

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I imagine you’ll develop your own personal system for screening and boundaries as time goes on?

But I general I think anyone trying to psychoanalyse you before even meeting is a bit of a red flag! Plus asking a complete stranger to “trust” you?!

Obviously we all have different conversation/chat styles

but I’d say I prefer early initial communication to be quite light - it’s just setting up a meet/checking for red flags.

Maybe some compliments but really you don’t even know them yet - so just general stuff like “you look nice”/“looking forward to meeting you”.

Certainly no photo “requests” - I like sending them voluntarily sometimes (like I sent MrPM a cute selfie just a it’s still a few weeks till I’m in his city ) but someone asking for them is a red flag for me.

We’re not trying to build intimacy as we’re strangers, just get to the meeting stage.

If the meet doesn’t happen I don’t want to have spent ages on a fantasy interaction.[/quote]
Totally agree

@SpringlikeBunk I know. He kept saying 'let me prove I won't hurt you.'

I was like 'how are you going to do that?'

It was madness.

He kept saying he was trying to tell me about 'his experiences' but It just made me feel worse.

@BelladiMamma yeah, my mum says that I think 'all men are bastards'

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

It sounds way too intense/heavy for a first chat tbh...

I’m quite minimal but I tend to go:

How are you finding this site?

What do you do for work/hobbies/enjoy doing do you travel etc?

How are you finding lockdown?

Then move to setting up a coffee/walk etc if they don’t sound like a nutcase or haven’t given any red flags?

I’ve found guys who try to chat too much in advance often are trying to “groom/prime” for quick sex (fine if it’s what I want but I don’t right now).

I’d say just not agreeing to initial meets close to home (or even AT home ) is quite good for getting rid of sex hounds - they’re not going to want to invest that much time!

I guess it’s relevant to find out people’s relationship status/if they have kids.

I find the difficulty with all the analysing/discussing “what people are looking for” is people lie and there’s a lot of guys who will “just say the right thing” - whether they make any effort investing with meeting/dating is another thing!

Plus you don’t really know until after a few dates/months in if you WANT to be serious or what their actual personality is like.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Please dont spend too long pondering what Mr Funny said or your mum.

We are allowed to not trust men and by being called out on that by anyone (even family) is them trying to invalidate your feelings and experiences and that is unacceptable and a red flag.

I have always been honest about not trusting men, I've not trusted a man(outside of my blood family) for 20 yrs.
The first 17 yrs I was married but my husband broke my trust (various emotional affairs) it went forever.
He knew I didn't trust him but we stayed together for various reasons, luckily I got rid 3 years ago this month.

I've been with Mr K 18 months (started as FWB) and he knows I have trust issues, not once has he tried to dismiss my feelings on this,he accepted my issue around trust and knows I don't trust him and it will take a long time to trust him.

Its not like I tell him all the time I don't trust him bit if its brought up I tell him.
I don't spend my whole time worrying about him cheating on me, if he wants to cheat that is on him and nothing to do with me but it would be the end.
I have my barriers up so high no one is getting into my heart anyway so anything he does won't hurt too much.

Your feelings are your feelings and whatever they are, they are right for you.
Do not let anyone say otherwise

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

It sounds way too intense/heavy for a first chat tbh...

I’m quite minimal but I tend to go:

How are you finding this site?

What do you do for work/hobbies/enjoy doing do you travel etc?

How are you finding lockdown?

Then move to setting up a coffee/walk etc if they don’t sound like a nutcase or haven’t given any red flags?

I’ve found guys who try to chat too much in advance often are trying to “groom/prime” for quick sex (fine if it’s what I want but I don’t right now).

I’d say just not agreeing to initial meets close to home (or even AT home ) is quite good for getting rid of sex hounds - they’re not going to want to invest that much time!

I guess it’s relevant to find out people’s relationship status/if they have kids.

I find the difficulty with all the analysing/discussing “what people are looking for” is people lie and there’s a lot of guys who will “just say the right thing” - whether they make any effort investing with meeting/dating is another thing!

Plus you don’t really know until after a few dates/months in if you WANT to be serious or what their actual personality is like.[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk

I completely agree 🙂

He seemed funny on bumble, so then I agreed we could talk on WhatsApp.

Then he started asking about my last relationship. I've talked about it on here, but I still find it painful to talk about it to other people.

Then he started going on about his relationships and that he wanted to prove that I could trust him.

When I said that I didn't think we were a good match and that I wanted us to stop taking, he went on a bit of a rant.

He said that 'he wouldn't stop talking to me because he's a nice person.'

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Please dont spend too long pondering what Mr Funny said or your mum.

We are allowed to not trust men and by being called out on that by anyone (even family) is them trying to invalidate your feelings and experiences and that is unacceptable and a red flag.

I have always been honest about not trusting men, I've not trusted a man(outside of my blood family) for 20 yrs.
The first 17 yrs I was married but my husband broke my trust (various emotional affairs) it went forever.
He knew I didn't trust him but we stayed together for various reasons, luckily I got rid 3 years ago this month.

I've been with Mr K 18 months (started as FWB) and he knows I have trust issues, not once has he tried to dismiss my feelings on this,he accepted my issue around trust and knows I don't trust him and it will take a long time to trust him.

Its not like I tell him all the time I don't trust him bit if its brought up I tell him.
I don't spend my whole time worrying about him cheating on me, if he wants to cheat that is on him and nothing to do with me but it would be the end.
I have my barriers up so high no one is getting into my heart anyway so anything he does won't hurt too much.

Your feelings are your feelings and whatever they are, they are right for you.
Do not let anyone say otherwise[/quote]
@SortingItOut thank you for sharing that with me ❤️ I really do appreciate it.

I wasn't always like this. I loved my ex and would have done anything for him.

We were planning a future together and then one day he decided that I 'wasn't on his level anymore.'

But we could be friends, though. Never mind what I felt.

So now I have trouble trusting men. My ex doesn't even know the damage he's caused.

My mum just doesn't want to 'carry on wiping my arse when she's eighty.' As she puts it.

@Sorting really sorry to hear what you went though

Right gang. Went on Bumble for first time ever a week ago. I now have 4 dates. Get yourselves over there ladies!! Post lockdown there are much richer pickings than I'd found on Hinge.

I'm most excited about one whom I'm going to call MrBear. He's physically just my type and also mixed ethnicity & a French speaker which is also right up my alley. Meeting him Sunday. Seems to be a big family guy, checks out on Google, no sex talk or any ringing of alarm bells. Tricky set up at home as has 2 out of his 3 kids with him full time. Son SEN. Wife lives on same street. However this is a very similar set of baggage to mine so I feel comfortable with it so far. 🍀 🍀 🍀 🍀

Am also meeting:

MrLocal
MrItalian
MrLawyer

Get on well with them all and hoping none turn out to be wierd ones.
🍀🍀🍀🍀

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards It's not normal that he was trying to establish so much through messages with you. He should be taking the time to evaluate you and who you are and giving you the space to do that with him too, rather than pressuring you into accepting him into your life based off nothing. Don't blame yourself, sounds like he is used to browbeating his way into things and you did well to avoid him.

What do you mean by "checks out on Google"?

I never tell people my full name pre meet. In fact, I don't even tell them my real first name! Noone could Google me from the details I give them, unless a reverse image search brings up Facebook I guess.

@VanGoghsDog

What do you mean by "checks out on Google"?

I never tell people my full name pre meet. In fact, I don't even tell them my real first name! Noone could Google me from the details I give them, unless a reverse image search brings up Facebook I guess.

He has listed his full name on his profile. Lots of people do - not me!

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma yeah, my mum says that I think 'all men are bastards'[/quote]
Ha!

My mum says all men are bastards and I have to remind her that they are not!

First name
Rough job description and location.
Generally they have LinkedIn some professional details this gives second name.

Check for wives etc. It feels sneaky but some men are shameless about cheating or even just lying about who they are/even criminal convictions etc . Or age - I’ve found details on forums where the guy I’m going to meet was clearly driving cars at the age of five if his age was as stated

I haven’t found tinder as bad as pof for liars and fantasists.

For MrPM he is who he is unless it’s a really good con trick with someone pretending to be a geeky short guy,

and he’s actually done some extra “really cool” humanitarian work on top of his main job (the kind of thing you COULD use to impress women)

which he hasn’t mentioned to me at all

[quote HairyArsedMan]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards It's not normal that he was trying to establish so much through messages with you. He should be taking the time to evaluate you and who you are and giving you the space to do that with him too, rather than pressuring you into accepting him into your life based off nothing. Don't blame yourself, sounds like he is used to browbeating his way into things and you did well to avoid him.[/quote]
@HairyArsedMan thank you for your wise words. I think exactly the same thing.

First name
Rough job description and location.
Generally they have LinkedIn some professional details this gives second name.

Hmm.....I have a fake first name on OLD. No surname. No link to Insta (don't have it anyway), nor LI (madness!). I don't use the same first pic as my FB profile pic. I put a vague job title that isn't my actual job title and I do not list my employer (I think that would break some policy anyway).

I do put the name of my village, or the app does, but it's quite a big village.

@BelladiMamma

Right gang. Went on Bumble for first time ever a week ago. I now have 4 dates. Get yourselves over there ladies!! Post lockdown there are much richer pickings than I'd found on Hinge.

I'm most excited about one whom I'm going to call MrBear. He's physically just my type and also mixed ethnicity & a French speaker which is also right up my alley. Meeting him Sunday. Seems to be a big family guy, checks out on Google, no sex talk or any ringing of alarm bells. Tricky set up at home as has 2 out of his 3 kids with him full time. Son SEN. Wife lives on same street. However this is a very similar set of baggage to mine so I feel comfortable with it so far. 🍀 🍀 🍀 🍀

Am also meeting:

MrLocal
MrItalian
MrLawyer

Get on well with them all and hoping none turn out to be wierd ones.
🍀🍀🍀🍀

Good luck @BelladiMamma. Hope everything goes well!

@SpringlikeBunk

First name Rough job description and location. Generally they have LinkedIn some professional details this gives second name.

Check for wives etc. It feels sneaky but some men are shameless about cheating or even just lying about who they are/even criminal convictions etc . Or age - I’ve found details on forums where the guy I’m going to meet was clearly driving cars at the age of five if his age was as stated

I haven’t found tinder as bad as pof for liars and fantasists.

For MrPM he is who he is unless it’s a really good con trick with someone pretending to be a geeky short guy,

and he’s actually done some extra “really cool” humanitarian work on top of his main job (the kind of thing you COULD use to impress women)

which he hasn’t mentioned to me at all

Yup. Sadly I've had to use these research skills on the affairs my OH had, given that he had both of them in the effing house like Boris Johnson and Jennifer A. Just want to know who the eff has potentially been rummaging through my underwear drawer and looking at my family photos. Head fuck 🤯 territory sadly but I have developed the skin of a rhino and the investigative skills of a latter day Cagney and Lacey