Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 that's exactly how I'm feeling but I very much like your friends thought process 😆

No rush I guess dancemom, sometimes the apps can make you feel worse after a breakup I find as no one 'seems' to compareto the ex.

I've not been on the apps much, I'm just finding it a waste of time as I only find the very odd one attractive/ nice and they never seem to like me back. I get no end of messages from men I don't like though on there 😐

Sorry the apps areent helping @dancemom
I've been feeling a bit panicky and unanchored, but having to remind myself that I've felt like this whilst in the relationship too. For me, it's also a continued processing of the end of my marriage as it's that feeling of not having someone on my team or someone I can easily connect with, which is hardest. But I know it will pass (then return, then pass...) and if I go on the apps again that's just distraction for me and not really addressing the real issue. I feel like I'm waffling now
Hope today is easier

@Onesmallstep67

I think *@VanGoghsDog*, it really depends whether you want something like this with Mr WG - or with anyone ? It may be his opening gambit and things may develop between you- there is always an unknown element clearly to how things evolve. It may be what he feels he can offer at the moment? Or what he wants to offer you but will still be looking elsewhere ? I think it seems your stumbling block is the fact that you would want more if it were to be offered. I've been there and it's not great. The other consideration is the impact it may have on your friendship and freedom to participate in the walking group. You wouldn't want any awkwardness there if things got strained with Mr WG.

That's exactly what I was thinking as well.

@Misty9 that's exactly how I'm feeling. Panicky. But you're also right in that the distraction isn't solving the issue, it's just deferring it. I too know this will pass but it's so reassuring to hear from you in the same position

[quote dancemom]@Misty9 that's exactly how I'm feeling. Panicky. But you're also right in that the distraction isn't solving the issue, it's just deferring it. I too know this will pass but it's so reassuring to hear from you in the same position
[/quote]
Sorry you're there too, it sucks :(
It sounds a bit wanky but I find yoga really helpful (I do adriene's on YouTube) and also, putting down my phone and really getting stuck into something like gardening or an activity where time passes without me noticing. At it's worst I breathe through the anxiety and remind myself it really does pass. Labeling exactly how I'm feeling physically can help too. I do this for my profession and people are always surprised that I'm not completely sorted... make sure you're eating little and often too.

Thanks @Misty9 I really appreciate your support. I've signed up for a boot camp and am dragging my daughter out for a walk each day to keep busy. This too shall pass 🤞🏼

@dancemom

Thanks *@Misty9* I really appreciate your support. I've signed up for a boot camp and am dragging my daughter out for a walk each day to keep busy. This too shall pass 🤞🏼

Sooo important. Small goals

Thanks @BelladiMamma that's what I'm aiming for

Just spent the evening with a friend. She was widowed 2 years ago and is thinking of getting back out there again. She was asking about OLD and we talked the different apps, how long to chat before you meet, etc...

It made me realise how much I learn from this thread and how helpful I find it. It helps me to know that I'm not on my own doing this. We're all in the boat together. I may have had a drink.

First of the two dates today with MrLocal. I actually haven't slept a wink. So nervous.

@BelladiMamma, how long since you met someone new in this kind of context ? Try not to think of it as a date but more of a testing the water to see how things are in person. Someone a good while back on the thread coined the phrase ' date zero' - a checking things out meet before you decide if there's anything there to pursue. What time are you meeting? It'll be fine. We'll be looking out for the update !

[quote Onesmallstep67]@BelladiMamma, how long since you met someone new in this kind of context ? Try not to think of it as a date but more of a testing the water to see how things are in person. Someone a good while back on the thread coined the phrase ' date zero' - a checking things out meet before you decide if there's anything there to pursue. What time are you meeting? It'll be fine. We'll be looking out for the update ![/quote]
Awww thanks. 10am!

Hello everyone
Im keeping up with the thread.
Not much news from me. Still see my man from Fab. Although messaging has now started to calm down a bit (him initiating, early morning, throughout the day; asking for pics); he still asks to see me for a walk nearly every day. Ive done some FB sleuthing and found a woman he has never mentioned nor ever alluded to stating she met him in 2013 and pics of him and her together 2013-2015 then some further investigation that they lived together 2015 to 2018.
He never mentions her..Never. He talks about his ex wife, the mother of his children freely. He has alluded to a 'woman I know' regarding a particular type of unusual dog and he had spent time with the dog and woman and she was an anti vaxxer. When I sluethed I found this 'woman he knew' is in fact the daughter of the woman he never mentions!
Very much hiding something.
He has lots of children and they do live with him and I have children who live with me so our FWB is basically a walking relationship with the benefits as and when.
So I am backing off. I have never been the instigator anyway. He has always been the 1st to message, suggest meeting etc. But there is something not quite right.

Nothing else from me. One man from Tinder who didnt have a face due to 'being hacked by someone he matched with twice' asked to go to whatsapp. Still no face on his profile and was pushing for a video call then acussing me of hiding something so I blocked him.

Another on Tinder wrote messages that were just a series of riddles. I gave him some feedback saying I would prefer someone who could message plainly then deleted.

Thats it for me.

@BelladiMamma wishing you the best of luck for your date with Mr Local. It'll be great! ❤️

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma wishing you the best of luck for your date with Mr Local. It'll be great! ❤️[/quote]
Ok. So date went well - I could see why we matched, lots in common including schools and parents' workplaces. He truly is Mr Local! Nice looking too :)

However - lots of his work anecdotes were peppered with 'and then we opened the scotch and it got really messy'. So it's a no. He's a bit more of a drinker than I want.

Onwards and upwards and thanks everyone for the good luck messages

@BelladiMamma at least you've got back out there. Sorry it didn't work out but at least you've got your other dates to look forward to! ❤️

Back here once again after a fail with MrM 😩 don't know how I manage to have such rotten luck with men, he took (I can take solace in) the cowards way out and half ghosted me by sending unhelpful texts now and then that explained absolutely nothing and ignored direct questions and, in the end, my pleas for a call. I've had suffered terrifying abuse from my ex, but being ignored and cut out has had a definite similar effect on me (minus the fear). In the end I just said I had to walk away after more call and text dodging. Awkward because I may see him in work but I can be civil once I've stopped raging at myself for being so easily misled.

So likely this evening I will be back on tinder, to increase my confidence again. I tested the water with my ex FWB today who it seems has cut me loose but tbh I did love the loving way MrM was so going back to FWB isn't really of interest now I've had a taste and fallen for the idea of blended families being the goal.

I liked the other day someone put their hard lines/red flags on so might try to do the same but the trouble is my gullibility and not sure how to combat that! I seem to attract men who (needlessly!) promise me the world and treat me wonderfully...until they don't!

@frankiefirstyear

Back here once again after a fail with MrM 😩 don't know how I manage to have such rotten luck with men, he took (I can take solace in) the cowards way out and half ghosted me by sending unhelpful texts now and then that explained absolutely nothing and ignored direct questions and, in the end, my pleas for a call. I've had suffered terrifying abuse from my ex, but being ignored and cut out has had a definite similar effect on me (minus the fear). In the end I just said I had to walk away after more call and text dodging. Awkward because I may see him in work but I can be civil once I've stopped raging at myself for being so easily misled.

So likely this evening I will be back on tinder, to increase my confidence again. I tested the water with my ex FWB today who it seems has cut me loose but tbh I did love the loving way MrM was so going back to FWB isn't really of interest now I've had a taste and fallen for the idea of blended families being the goal.

I liked the other day someone put their hard lines/red flags on so might try to do the same but the trouble is my gullibility and not sure how to combat that! I seem to attract men who (needlessly!) promise me the world and treat me wonderfully...until they don't!

I haven't followed your story with him, but I'm very sorry to hear that. How did you meet him?

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma at least you've got back out there. Sorry it didn't work out but at least you've got your other dates to look forward to! ❤️[/quote]
Yes. Two more! Incredible really. Hope I sleep better tonight.

Ok red flag question everyone.

Is it a red flag if they just talk about your appearance? Not in a sex pest way but more like 'you're really lovely/ beautiful/attractive and I'd like to meet you'?

The irons that I'm meeting haven't said that, but a couple of new messagers have. I have flip flopped in the past on this one. If I already fancy someone I tend to get really excited if they say this to me. This is how Mr Ginger got me, he was really very lovey in messages but in a very appearance led way.

MrBear and MrItalian are more 'it's really great talking to you it feels really comfortable'.

@BelladiMamma

I’d say it’s fine.

My boundary is generally:

“you look great/beautiful” is good:

“What do you like in bed? Send me a photo of your #%^**%< ” unsolicited and out of context isn’t good?

Also I think over-effusive compliments all the time can seem a bit needy/too much?

Then again, it’s a balance - I initially thought my last iron MrC was “too supportive/nice” and he’d be a wet blanket in person.

but he’s an attractive masculine guy, he’s just generally supportive, friendly to everyone he meets?

So when I said I was worried about a new temp role he said I’d be fine as I had a great personality, or when I got rejected from an interview he was on the phone that evening. And he gives good tips to waiters and tries to keep his family social stuff organised.

(we’re not together due to him wanting marriage and children soon and I’m not interested in either right now)

@frankiefirstyear Well done for cutting your losses with Mr M. His cowards way out was unacceptable. It makes you wonder whether the issue with his DS was true or not.

We can all take something away from every relationship and if you take away that you want blended families it is a positive.

Shame about the FWB but hopefully you might find another one in the short term if thats what you want.

Look after yourself for the next few weeks, getting over the first relationship after a previous long relationship/marriage can be tough🤗

@BelladiMamma I think with OLD we do base things on looks because its all we have to go on to start with but if someone said I was beautiful or attractive more than once (before we met) I'd see it as a red flag as I know I'm not beautiful and for me its just early lovebombing.
However if I was gorgeous I might think differently🤣

I want people to want to meet me because I'm funny, have great conversation and have an interesting life. They do need to fancy me obviously but not be all in my face about it.

Incidentally, I don’t think I’d read too much into someone’s compliment or lack of compliments unless it was overly creepy tbh - some guys might not feel comfortable commenting on appearance?

Some guys use “hey beautiful” all
the time as it’s just the way they communicate! It means nothing?

If an iron compliments me I say “thank you” politely or offer one back but it doesn’t mean that much overall?

I’d focus more on things like reliability and punctuality, how easy they are to arrange meeting with etc