Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

I’d say it’s fine.

My boundary is generally:

“you look great/beautiful” is good:

“What do you like in bed? Send me a photo of your #%^**%< ” unsolicited and out of context isn’t good?

Also I think over-effusive compliments all the time can seem a bit needy/too much?

Then again, it’s a balance - I initially thought my last iron MrC was “too supportive/nice” and he’d be a wet blanket in person.

but he’s an attractive masculine guy, he’s just generally supportive, friendly to everyone he meets?

So when I said I was worried about a new temp role he said I’d be fine as I had a great personality, or when I got rejected from an interview he was on the phone that evening. And he gives good tips to waiters and tries to keep his family social stuff organised.

(we’re not together due to him wanting marriage and children soon and I’m not interested in either right now)[/quote]
Ok. Thank you.

I think I'm just a bit mixed up because of recent experience

[quote SortingItOut]@BelladiMamma I think with OLD we do base things on looks because its all we have to go on to start with but if someone said I was beautiful or attractive more than once (before we met) I'd see it as a red flag as I know I'm not beautiful and for me its just early lovebombing.
However if I was gorgeous I might think differently🤣

I want people to want to meet me because I'm funny, have great conversation and have an interesting life. They do need to fancy me obviously but not be all in my face about it.[/quote]
True! I like a nice face too. But I'd say someone looks warm or friendly or open before saying they look gorgeous.

@SpringlikeBunk

Incidentally, I don’t think I’d read too much into someone’s compliment or lack of compliments unless it was overly creepy tbh - some guys might not feel comfortable commenting on appearance?

Some guys use “hey beautiful” all
the time as it’s just the way they communicate! It means nothing?

If an iron compliments me I say “thank you” politely or offer one back but it doesn’t mean that much overall?

I’d focus more on things like reliability and punctuality, how easy they are to arrange meeting with etc

Reliability and punctuality are vvv good indicators!

@BelladiMamma you will

@frankiefirstyear I would make sure you take some time for yourself before going back online again. ❤️ every negative experience will make you stronger and you'll find someone wonderful in time

[quote SortingItOut]@frankiefirstyear Well done for cutting your losses with Mr M. His cowards way out was unacceptable. It makes you wonder whether the issue with his DS was true or not.

We can all take something away from every relationship and if you take away that you want blended families it is a positive.

Shame about the FWB but hopefully you might find another one in the short term if thats what you want.

Look after yourself for the next few weeks, getting over the first relationship after a previous long relationship/marriage can be tough🤗[/quote]
Thanks so much for this, I thought I was being a bit precious but you're right it's been a brutal week and need some self care for sure (but of sex wouldn't go a miss either!)

@BelladiMamma met at work 😞

Right. Sorry. I have another red flag query.

So for my work I do a lot of media - broadcast interviews, writing, radio. I also do a lot of creative writing and have had a few small things published. Because of my unusual first name you can easily find it all on YouTube, Huffington post etc

MrBear, who I'm meeting tomorrow has just sent me a message saying he's seen some of my creative writing and wanted to tell me who much he enjoyed it. So far so good. I felt warm and fuzzy inside.

He then goes on to talk about some interviews I did about five years ago. Says he really liked them. It was about gender balance in parenting. He's a single dad and gives me some feedback on what he thinks I'd missed, which happens to be about single dads.

The point wasn't made at all impolitely or in any way personally.

But I did kind of think - you know what, it was five years ago. Do I need feedback on an interview that's five years old and was over in a flash and was directed principally at women? Live television is not always an easy thing to do and my message was about mothers and I got it across so as far as I was concerned it was job done that day. There's always space for more debate and more detail. Probably not explaining myself very well, and he wasn't crap about it. I just think maybe it was better for a face to face discussion or not mentioned at all?

[quote frankiefirstyear]@BelladiMamma met at work 😞[/quote]
Oh 😞

Can you avoid him or not really?

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

I’d say it’s fine.

My boundary is generally:

“you look great/beautiful” is good:

“What do you like in bed? Send me a photo of your #%^**%< ” unsolicited and out of context isn’t good?

Also I think over-effusive compliments all the time can seem a bit needy/too much?

Then again, it’s a balance - I initially thought my last iron MrC was “too supportive/nice” and he’d be a wet blanket in person.

but he’s an attractive masculine guy, he’s just generally supportive, friendly to everyone he meets?

So when I said I was worried about a new temp role he said I’d be fine as I had a great personality, or when I got rejected from an interview he was on the phone that evening. And he gives good tips to waiters and tries to keep his family social stuff organised.

(we’re not together due to him wanting marriage and children soon and I’m not interested in either right now)[/quote]
I do like the sound of MrC

@BelladiMamma

Right. Sorry. I have another red flag query.

So for my work I do a lot of media - broadcast interviews, writing, radio. I also do a lot of creative writing and have had a few small things published. Because of my unusual first name you can easily find it all on YouTube, Huffington post etc

MrBear, who I'm meeting tomorrow has just sent me a message saying he's seen some of my creative writing and wanted to tell me who much he enjoyed it. So far so good. I felt warm and fuzzy inside.

He then goes on to talk about some interviews I did about five years ago. Says he really liked them. It was about gender balance in parenting. He's a single dad and gives me some feedback on what he thinks I'd missed, which happens to be about single dads.

The point wasn't made at all impolitely or in any way personally.

But I did kind of think - you know what, it was five years ago. Do I need feedback on an interview that's five years old and was over in a flash and was directed principally at women? Live television is not always an easy thing to do and my message was about mothers and I got it across so as far as I was concerned it was job done that day. There's always space for more debate and more detail. Probably not explaining myself very well, and he wasn't crap about it. I just think maybe it was better for a face to face discussion or not mentioned at all?

@BelladiMamma I think he probably should have mentioned it face to face to you, if he was going to give feedback on that kind of thing. It does seem a bit weird to me that he has just decided to randomly give feedback to you.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards yes - it's not like I've looked up a PowerPoint he did and sent him some feedback on it. Feels wrong. Should I meet him? Probably. I can tell him then that it felt awkward. But people do react strangely around telly stuff. Aaargh was really looking forward to it otherwise

@BelladiMamma

I agree with @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards it sounds a bit OTT and too much too soon. You’re strangers still?

I personally wouldn’t cancel the meet if he was otherwise ok but see it as an amber flag in terms of boundaries and bad social skills etc

I guess it also depends on the context to a certain extent - were you having debates/discussions just before (so he’s just continuing that theme) .

Were you mentioning your creative work and encouraging him to look it up and engage with it?

or has he just looked your name up, gone through your past work, found the interview, and decided to give you unsolicited feedback with no prompting ?

Also I do think it’s important to trust your instincts - if you feel a bit “ick” or uncomfortable then you’re allowed to just reject someone, you don’t need a big obvious reason to do so!

We’re meant to be dating to enjoy ourselves not force uncomfortable interactions.

[quote BelladiMamma]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards yes - it's not like I've looked up a PowerPoint he did and sent him some feedback on it. Feels wrong. Should I meet him? Probably. I can tell him then that it felt awkward. But people do react strangely around telly stuff. Aaargh was really looking forward to it otherwise [/quote]
@BelladiMamma it does feel a bit weird, but I would meet him and see the date though, as you say you're looking forward to it, and he might be different in person. But it's completely up to you though ❤️

@Belladi like @SpringlikeBunk says, just keep it in mind. If he's otherwise ok, that's okay, but keep your wits about you. If it doesn't work out, at least you would have saw it though 😘

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

I agree with @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards it sounds a bit OTT and too much too soon. You’re strangers still?

I personally wouldn’t cancel the meet if he was otherwise ok but see it as an amber flag in terms of boundaries and bad social skills etc

I guess it also depends on the context to a certain extent - were you having debates/discussions just before (so he’s just continuing that theme) .

Were you mentioning your creative work and encouraging him to look it up and engage with it?

or has he just looked your name up, gone through your past work, found the interview, and decided to give you unsolicited feedback with no prompting ?

Also I do think it’s important to trust your instincts - if you feel a bit “ick” or uncomfortable then you’re allowed to just reject someone, you don’t need a big obvious reason to do so!

We’re meant to be dating to enjoy ourselves not force uncomfortable interactions.[/quote]
Absolutely no mention of my media stuff or my writing, only my current day job. I think today I'm going to 🤷🏻‍♀️ it off and see what tomorrow brings. People can be awkward and not icky. Just hate being confused.

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]**@Belladi* like @SpringlikeBunk* says, just keep it in mind. If he's otherwise ok, that's okay, but keep your wits about you. If it doesn't work out, at least you would have saw it though 😘[/quote]
Yes. I'm all over my red / amber flags at the moment!

Thanks everyone 💗

@BelladiMamma you're welcome ❤️

@BelladiMamma

Right. Sorry. I have another red flag query.

So for my work I do a lot of media - broadcast interviews, writing, radio. I also do a lot of creative writing and have had a few small things published. Because of my unusual first name you can easily find it all on YouTube, Huffington post etc

MrBear, who I'm meeting tomorrow has just sent me a message saying he's seen some of my creative writing and wanted to tell me who much he enjoyed it. So far so good. I felt warm and fuzzy inside.

He then goes on to talk about some interviews I did about five years ago. Says he really liked them. It was about gender balance in parenting. He's a single dad and gives me some feedback on what he thinks I'd missed, which happens to be about single dads.

The point wasn't made at all impolitely or in any way personally.

But I did kind of think - you know what, it was five years ago. Do I need feedback on an interview that's five years old and was over in a flash and was directed principally at women? Live television is not always an easy thing to do and my message was about mothers and I got it across so as far as I was concerned it was job done that day. There's always space for more debate and more detail. Probably not explaining myself very well, and he wasn't crap about it. I just think maybe it was better for a face to face discussion or not mentioned at all?

He sounds like a Fathers For Justice type.

Years ago I dated a guy, like, thirty years ago......and about five years ago I noticed he's done all the photography for the F4J website (he is a photographer). Wasn't quite sure what to make of that!

MrWG sent me a text saying the clinic has confirmed his vasectomy was successful. Well, it's nice to have a bit of good news, eh?

Just dropping back in to see if anybody has widened their areas before the looming new thread? :-)

@BelladiMamma - could he not just be showing an interest / trying to sound intelligent? I guess it depends how he did it. Feedback sounds a bit much....

Speaking of red flags. Have a plan to give the apps a miss until May / June but I couldn't help but have a bit of a matching session. Have a faraway iron who been chatting to for a week or so and will meet next week. One thing, sent me a couple of photos (not asked for) and I was wondering if it was the same person as her profile pictures. I don't think I've seen someone who looks so different in all their photos. So, red flag?

@BelladiMamma i wouldn't really think anything of it, he's just giving you his input etc and having a discussion. I would see it as he took an interest in your work and still meet him.

@frankiefirstyear was this Mr M the one who said his daughter didn't want him to date anyone? If so, it sounded very far fetched and good that you have cut ties.

Im feeling a bit shit today. Ive hardly swiped over the last 2 months since my break up and its been fine just keeping to myself. Today i just started reminiscing about my ex and feeling so sad that things ended with this man i adored so much. I was happier than i had ever been in my life with someone. Now i just keep thinking im back to being alone, just being mum. My kids dad is still on and off with his partner after 2.5years despite being an alcoholic. An acquaintance on FAB found love there and they are constantly posting loved up updates ( Not sounding judgemental, its more envy that they found love whilst swinging whereas i feel like im in an abyss of nothingness!!!).

I can't believe there's a new thread looming already 😁

I'm doing ok ish - I spent some time last night looking back over old chats with Mr HT, no flags just genuine fun and laughter and banter. It made me smile. I tried to tell myself to move along. This morning I realised I'm not ready to forget him. I had some good times, so I will enjoy remembering them. It was quite freeing to allow myself the memories without forcing myself to try push them away.

I've got some chats going and I matched and chatted to someone today that in so many ways seems a great match. He phoned for a quick chat this evening and planned a walk on Thursday evening. It was all chilled and very easy. There's no wondering or waiting. I thought perhaps it was too soon but actually I'm looking forward to it. If it doesn't work out well so be it. At least it will be another experience.

And how hurtful is the comment 'pot noodle family'....?

@Eesha I totally understand. I thought the fact that Mr HT and I liked each other so much it would help us get over our pasts and just make it work and where I was willing to try he wasn't. He did make me happy in the time I spent with him though. So I will remember it fondly. I just won't hope he will change his mind. We are still FB friends and we've not blocked each other. Perhaps at some point we will become good friends. We genuinely got along brilliantly. I'm sad but trying to be happy I met him.