Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards 🍀🍀🍀🍀

@VanGoghsDog

*First name Rough job description and location. Generally they have LinkedIn some professional details this gives second name.*

Hmm.....I have a fake first name on OLD. No surname. No link to Insta (don't have it anyway), nor LI (madness!). I don't use the same first pic as my FB profile pic. I put a vague job title that isn't my actual job title and I do not list my employer (I think that would break some policy anyway).

I do put the name of my village, or the app does, but it's quite a big village.

I do that with profile pics too. Never the same as across social media accounts

@BelladiMamma

Thanks *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* 🍀🍀🍀🍀

You're very welcome ❤️❤️

I need to take some new photos before I get back on the apps. I find myself awquard in photos especially trying to take them in a mirror.
A friend has been wanting to help me find a boyfriend so I might ask her if she can take some as I'm being her healthy eating and exercise buddy.

In other news I'm still waiting to hear back from the interview last week even though I was meant to hear by the end of the week. Did the polite follow up email on Tuesday so now I just have to wait. Haven't heard if the current company want to extend my contract and with only 2 weeks to go it's not looking positive although the rest of the team think they will want to keep me

@dancemom and @Misty9 sorry to hear things didn't work out.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards it sounds like Mr Funny was way too pushy, and not respecting of your boundaries. That he said he wouldn't stop talking to you because he's a nice guy is a big red flag too. If he really was nice, he'd respect your wishes and not continue to talk to you if that's what you said you wanted. Generally people who have to say they're a nice guy generally aren't - it's actions not words that are important.

I've been trying to stay away from the apps a bit more than usual, and have deleted OKCupid as it just didn't work for me - I paid for the upgraded membership for 3 months, had a few matches but none that ended up as dates. It's a shame, as the profile matching feature seemed good but it was so hard to match with anyone on there. Things still seem quiet on the other apps, and no dates lined up at the moment.

I also had my first complete nutter on Tinder - we matched, and she had a few things in her profile about her personality type. I messaged her, asked how she was and mentioned something in her profile - she replied that she was a bit all over the place, then proceeded to send about 20 messages ranting about how I need to do my research about personality types, how she'd put everything I need to know in her profile and that I just didn't get her. Thankfully she then deleted me just before I was about to do the same to her!

I also got blocked on PoF for the first time - I have no idea why! She messaged me first, and seemed nice so I replied - did the usual asking a couple of things relating to her profile, and she replied back asking if I had a job as my green light was on all the time. I told her it was probably because I don't shut the app down on my phone, and mentioned my line of work. Then a day later I noticed the messages had gone, and when I checked her profile I noticed she'd blocked me! Very odd.

Even on the other apps, I'm just so fed up with conversations that are one-sided. I understand everyone is bored of OLD now, but it's not hard to show a little bit of interest in someone!

[quote TheCatWithTheHat]**@dancemom* and @Misty9* sorry to hear things didn't work out.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards it sounds like Mr Funny was way too pushy, and not respecting of your boundaries. That he said he wouldn't stop talking to you because he's a nice guy is a big red flag too. If he really was nice, he'd respect your wishes and not continue to talk to you if that's what you said you wanted. Generally people who have to say they're a nice guy generally aren't - it's actions not words that are important.

I've been trying to stay away from the apps a bit more than usual, and have deleted OKCupid as it just didn't work for me - I paid for the upgraded membership for 3 months, had a few matches but none that ended up as dates. It's a shame, as the profile matching feature seemed good but it was so hard to match with anyone on there. Things still seem quiet on the other apps, and no dates lined up at the moment.

I also had my first complete nutter on Tinder - we matched, and she had a few things in her profile about her personality type. I messaged her, asked how she was and mentioned something in her profile - she replied that she was a bit all over the place, then proceeded to send about 20 messages ranting about how I need to do my research about personality types, how she'd put everything I need to know in her profile and that I just didn't get her. Thankfully she then deleted me just before I was about to do the same to her!

I also got blocked on PoF for the first time - I have no idea why! She messaged me first, and seemed nice so I replied - did the usual asking a couple of things relating to her profile, and she replied back asking if I had a job as my green light was on all the time. I told her it was probably because I don't shut the app down on my phone, and mentioned my line of work. Then a day later I noticed the messages had gone, and when I checked her profile I noticed she'd blocked me! Very odd.

Even on the other apps, I'm just so fed up with conversations that are one-sided. I understand everyone is bored of OLD now, but it's not hard to show a little bit of interest in someone![/quote]
@TheCatWithTheHat I agree with you. I'm glad I stopped communicating with him now as he was getting ridiculous. Anyone can say 'I won't hurt you,' etc, but they need to prove themselves with their actions.

Miss Tinder sounds a right head case. Seems like you dodged a bullet there.

I've been on OKC in the past too, and it didn't suit me either, I found there were too many people who either wanted to get their end away, or didn't know what they wanted.

I got blocked similarly by someone on Bumble last night. We were just talking about ourselves and taking turns to ask questions, and I thought things were going okay. Then he blocked me for no apparent reason.

Oh well, on to the next potentials

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Thank you. I've come to terms with my marriage ending and although I initially regretted not leaving before I've accepted the reasons I stayed and moved on.
The emotional affairs were only part of the issue, add in emotional abuse, spending addictions, mental health issues, spending all his spare time asleep or watching TV and other things you can see why I was planning to stay single forever once I split from my ex.

My ex husband is still in denial about it all and a year ago he was stalking and harassing me big time, he got over it after mental health crisis intervention but I'm still on my guard.

I'm sorry to hear your ex just walked away, it must have been (and still be) really tough on you.
I think the not knowing and understanding of the reasons why make it hard to get over.

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Thank you. I've come to terms with my marriage ending and although I initially regretted not leaving before I've accepted the reasons I stayed and moved on.
The emotional affairs were only part of the issue, add in emotional abuse, spending addictions, mental health issues, spending all his spare time asleep or watching TV and other things you can see why I was planning to stay single forever once I split from my ex.

My ex husband is still in denial about it all and a year ago he was stalking and harassing me big time, he got over it after mental health crisis intervention but I'm still on my guard.

I'm sorry to hear your ex just walked away, it must have been (and still be) really tough on you.
I think the not knowing and understanding of the reasons why make it hard to get over.[/quote]
@SortingItOut I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm glad to hear things are getting a bit brighter for you now

It's okay about my ex. He wanted to be 'friends' with me but I declined as that wouldn't have worked. Why he thought I would want to be friendly with someone who has caused so much hurt and upset to me is beyond me

I'm still open to another relationship, but I think it'll just take time for me to build something up again with someone. I still have hope though. Just have to Chuck out all the undesirables first! X

Re Bumble blocking I think it's a thing the app does, you could send a nice message saying sorry I don't think you for me - good luck out there, then swipe on end conversation and it deletes your last message and then blocks that person. Talk about hammer to crack nut. So if you didn't get to read the nice goodbye before they finished the convo you'd just think they'd blocked you

Bumble still being odd. It's sent me a builder fifty miles away. I mean, I do need a builder, but I don't want to date someone fifty miles away and pretty sure I didn't swipe right on him so no idea how he got matched.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards The offer to be friends is to make them feel better about breaking up, I doubt many genuinely want to be friends.
I was friends with my ex when we split because we have children (thankfully older) and would need to co-parent.
That went out the window when I didn't spend my birthday with him.

I wasn't open to another relationship ever but here I am with Mr K🤣

I'm glad you're open to a new relationship, I agree that there is no rush and you can take your time weeding out the undesirables and setting your boundaries while you wait to find the right one.

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards The offer to be friends is to make them feel better about breaking up, I doubt many genuinely want to be friends.
I was friends with my ex when we split because we have children (thankfully older) and would need to co-parent.
That went out the window when I didn't spend my birthday with him.

I wasn't open to another relationship ever but here I am with Mr K🤣

I'm glad you're open to a new relationship, I agree that there is no rush and you can take your time weeding out the undesirables and setting your boundaries while you wait to find the right one.[/quote]
@SortingItOut I get that completely

I don't know if my ex really wanted to be friends with me. I was quite supportive to him when we were together and helped him with various things. I also supported him when things were going badly at his work (he works for an FE college as an IT Lecturer) so probably he thought he would miss that? I don't know.

Sometimes, I do think that he said it to make himself sound like he was being reasonable.

I'll just take things at my own pace this time 👍🏻

@VanGoghsDog

Bumble still being odd. It's sent me a builder fifty miles away. I mean, I do need a builder, but I don't want to date someone fifty miles away and pretty sure I didn't swipe right on him so no idea how he got matched.

@VanGoghsDog it's doing that a lot at the moment

@VanGoghsDog I get that on Bumble too - I've had several matches with people I don't recall swiping on. Maybe it's got to the point where even the apps are gaslighting us! "no, really you did swipe on them - don't you remember?"

Interestingly, I've uploaded some of the photos I use for my profiles onto a site called photo feeler (thanks @bangheadhere40 for the suggestion), where people can rate your photos and give feedback. It's interesting to see how much difference there is - my "attractiveness" rating varies between 5.5 and 8.1 depending on the photo, so makes it much easier to choose which one to use as my main profile photo. It's also interesting to see the feedback people give - apparently I need to smile more, and not look so intense, so there's definitely room for improvement!

[quote TheCatWithTheHat]**@VanGoghsDog I get that on Bumble too - I've had several matches with people I don't recall swiping on. Maybe it's got to the point where even the apps are gaslighting us! "no, really you did swipe on them - don't you remember?"

Interestingly, I've uploaded some of the photos I use for my profiles onto a site called photo feeler (thanks @bangheadhere40 for the suggestion), where people can rate your photos and give feedback. It's interesting to see how much difference there is - my "attractiveness" rating varies between 5.5 and 8.1 depending on the photo, so makes it much easier to choose which one to use as my main profile photo. It's also interesting to see the feedback people give - apparently I need to smile more, and not look so intense, so there's definitely room for improvement![/quote]
& @VanGoghsDog does this happen towards the end of the subscription period?

I've never subscribed. In all my life and all my OLD experience I have never paid a penny to any site.

I am still single though......

@VanGoghsDog, did you reply to Mr WG or manage to arrange the cuppa and chat?

[quote Onesmallstep67]@VanGoghsDog, did you reply to Mr WG or manage to arrange the cuppa and chat?[/quote]
Oh yes, how did that go?

[quote Onesmallstep67]@VanGoghsDog, did you reply to Mr WG or manage to arrange the cuppa and chat?[/quote]
I prevaricated too much, then arranged a walk on Monday with friends anyway. So I messaged him Monday morning to say I was off for a walk (with people he knows). I said I'd be back about four (ended up getting back earlier as we did a shorter walk since it was freezing).

I do feel bad I have kind of left his offer hanging/ostensibly rejected him. He basically said "if you want take advantage of having a submissive friend to get me to come round and cook a meal for you, give you a massage or foot rub and if I'm very lucky [mentions sexual act], just let me know" and I guess I have ignored that.

There's quite a lot to unpack there isn't there?

Anyway, he responded to my text saying he was packing to go away all week. Had a brief exchange about that and a couple of other things. No contact either way since Monday.

But his text wasn't clear to me whether he meant "today" or "whenever you want" (he's always busy, see "packing to go away all week!) etc.

Also "friend" - not sure how I feel about that.
Add in my obvious concerns over "submissive". If cooking, massage and sex (with me calling the shots) is all this submissiveness involves that sounds fine. But if it expanded I'm very not sure!

I also have issues with (lack of) exclusivity.

I still feel I should reply and I'm swaying from "yes, give me a date" to "response so long I have to write it in Word", and everything in between :)
The former has merit, the latter he might just wonder what I'm making such a fuss about!

@VanGoghsDog it sounds like you still need time to think things though. ❤️

@VanGoghsDog I would take your time before replying and think about what you want to say first ❤️

I think @VanGoghsDog, it really depends whether you want something like this with Mr WG - or with anyone ? It may be his opening gambit and things may develop between you- there is always an unknown element clearly to how things evolve. It may be what he feels he can offer at the moment? Or what he wants to offer you but will still be looking elsewhere ? I think it seems your stumbling block is the fact that you would want more if it were to be offered. I've been there and it's not great. The other consideration is the impact it may have on your friendship and freedom to participate in the walking group. You wouldn't want any awkwardness there if things got strained with Mr WG.

No problem cat 🙂

I put my pics on there as well...it is quite harsh but useful to get anonymous feedback that may not be given if you asked someone you know!

So I rejoined the apps but I think it was too soon, I'd like to chat to people just for the distraction but I'm just not feeling it, no attraction to anyone and no enthusiasm 🙁

@dancemom, I think it's natural to want something to distract you and maybe a bit of positive affirmation that life goes on. Hopefully next week life will open up even more and you can distract yourself with friends and other activities. Although I am always reminded of my rather astute friend who when told to see friends and do a hobby says - you don't buy a washing machine when your telly breaks down. Different needs require different solutions.