Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@DudeFromThatLondon

Just dropping back in to see if anybody has widened their areas before the looming new thread? :-)

@BelladiMamma - could he not just be showing an interest / trying to sound intelligent? I guess it depends how he did it. Feedback sounds a bit much....

Speaking of red flags. Have a plan to give the apps a miss until May / June but I couldn't help but have a bit of a matching session. Have a faraway iron who been chatting to for a week or so and will meet next week. One thing, sent me a couple of photos (not asked for) and I was wondering if it was the same person as her profile pictures. I don't think I've seen someone who looks so different in all their photos. So, red flag?

Sounds a bit rad Flaggy to me. They could be old pictures though?

Some of them could be old, but some of them look pretty recent. I suppose it's possible to look a bit different but I look at them and wonder if it is the same person.

Bitter sweet the reminisces of some past irons. Still remember how seemed to get on so well with Ms S in last relationship, it all felt so hopeful and I'm not sure I've ever been so disappointed at something not working out. But I remember what fun it was to start with. Actually sent her a message a couple of weeks ago as am at the point it would be cool to be friends, but she didn't reply. Seemed quite apt really.

@Eesha had to google ‘pot noodle family’! Did someone refer to you in that way? It is offensive I think.
@DudeFromThatLondon how different were the photos? Like unrecognisable or just very polished versus more natural? I know my profile photos are all me looking my best dressed up for a night out, make up etc but I don’t think I would look that drastically different in my day to day look.
@BelladiMamma hope tomorrow’s date goes well. I would be a bit weird about the comments about your interview but see how tomorrow goes. If he continues with the ‘advice’ I would run a mile!
@cravingthelook you sound a little brighter and glad you are looking forward to Thursdays date

@Mayzee no, i have just seen it on profiles and i just think isnt there a better way to phrase it!!

@Mayzee quite different I thought. So I thought maybe the couple sent were not representative. It's really hard to know. I think everyone is a bit selective about their profile photos (me too) but indeed, not to the point of looking like a different person. I'm pretty sure it's not my imagination.

"Pot noodle" is a bit scathing / unpleasant. As a potential instant family I prefer to think of myself more giving off the Ready Brek vibe.

Hey @Eesha dont be too hard on yourself for feeling sad about it sometimes. You've done amazingly well being so strong and moving on. Its so natural so not be like that 100% of the time. Feeling those things is all part if life isnt it.. downs along with the ups. x

[quote DudeFromThatLondon]@Mayzee quite different I thought. So I thought maybe the couple sent were not representative. It's really hard to know. I think everyone is a bit selective about their profile photos (me too) but indeed, not to the point of looking like a different person. I'm pretty sure it's not my imagination.

"Pot noodle" is a bit scathing / unpleasant. As a potential instant family I prefer to think of myself more giving off the Ready Brek vibe.[/quote]
Have you said anything to her about it? It's a tricky one to navigate but you could ask about something to do with the photos eg, where was that taken looks like a beautiful place ... she might open up a bit. Otherwise if you want to meet you can always FaceTime first? I'm always happy to FaceTime as it suits me to check that the other person says they're who they are

@Eesha just echoing the be kind to yourself message here.
I totally know how you feel regarding the alcoholic ex too. Mine is with someone and seemingly has landed on his feet after putting us through the wringer. It isn’t a real relationship though as I think she has some sort of rescuer complex and he still drinks (has been unable to see the children twice this month as over the limit) I know how easy it is to wonder how they have managed to meet someone whilst you are navigating OLD and all that entails. Just remember you have good boundaries and you come across as a lovely and considerate person, so when you meet someone it will be real and an authentic relationship (which I guarantee your ex is not managing despite appearances)
Sending hugs x

@noodles44 Thank you. The thing is im happy for my ex in that he's trying to sort that part out. Yes the relationship can be volatile but they stay together on and off. I shouldn't compare us but i sometimes just feel like all i am is mum and that will be it for me.

Hi all,

Wishing @BelladiMamma the best of luck for her date today ❤️

Just been back on Bumble and would you believe it- Mr Casual is back on after deleting the app because he apparently hates it 😂 he's saying he wants a relationship this time. I see trouble ahead for his next girl 😂

I have also got a new iron. I'll call him Mr Bookworm. He's not the usual type I go for but we have a lot in common and he's really nice 😊 he's ask me to video date with him soon, bit nervous as I've never video dated with anyone before.

Eeekk!

Hi lovely people. Am on the last day of my week off and dreading work tomorrow and I have so much to do but an procrastinating.

So recently I have been feeling bad about my lack of commitment to Mr G who has been always up front about how much he adores me. So I ended things once and for all with Mr Local (he didn’t even reply which made me sad. I know we were just fuck buddies but I thought we got on well and would have been happy to stay in touch).

Then I let Mr G meet my DD and also my niece and her kids, knowing that in doing so my horrible ex SIL and therefore my ex would know I was in a relationship. So far so good right? Mature me, stopping being avoidant and actually committing to a relationship with a lovely man.

Can you guess where this is going??? 😂

So this weekend I’d arranged to go round and then he was all flaky about it saying his eldest kid didn’t want to stay at his mum’s so could I have him at mine? (He knows this is a no as DD is home and revising for A level tests and also I have a decorator in my house). Anyway it did get sorted but I then asked, seeing as he had met all my main people, and I had plans for him to meet others, if/when he was going to tell his kids about me (they are 17 and 14 so going to be around a while). And - total avoidance!!! I mean I don’t want to push him and I have no interest in meeting them or being part of their lives if he doesn’t want that. But if they don’t know I exist then we are always going to be at the mercy of their whims, cancelling nights because they decide they would rather sit on a couch at his staring at their phone rather than their mum’s.

So now I feel like a) I have dumped my sexy pirate for no reason and b) introduced Mr G to my family prematurely and c) been lovebombed into doing so when his commitment to me is all talk

Dating sucks. Any advice??? Am I over reacting?

Oh and also I have just been back on the apps to stop me messaging Mr G and being all whiny and matched with a guy who looks like a tall version of Steve Arnott from Line of Duty. So obviously I shall call him MrAC12 😂

@UtterSocks that sounds shit!!! You've always been so lovely here and i think anyone in your position would have done the same. Personally i would wait a teeny bit, then get Sexy Pirate back! I think Mr G definitely cares for you but not enough to sort his mess out. Having been with someone similar, i can say it doesn't get better. Do you really need all this hassle?

[quote Eesha]@UtterSocks that sounds shit!!! You've always been so lovely here and i think anyone in your position would have done the same. Personally i would wait a teeny bit, then get Sexy Pirate back! I think Mr G definitely cares for you but not enough to sort his mess out. Having been with someone similar, i can say it doesn't get better. Do you really need all this hassle?[/quote]
@UtterSocks I agree with @Eesha ❤️

Thanks for the validation @Eesha and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards. It’s not just me is it? I also messaged @SortingItOut who is wise beyond measure and she thinks Mr G lovebombed me and isn’t matching my level of commitment having won me round.

I’m gutted about Mr Local. But then to not even reply after 7 months of regular shagging and cuddles and chat and fun - says volumes I guess. Unless I hurt him so much he wants to die but I am not overestimating my allure 😂

Seriously next time I start to fall in love I am going to staple my fanny shut because nobody needs to go through this again. Least of all me.

I am resolutely not going to message Mr G today

@UtterSocks

Thanks for the validation *@Eesha and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards. It’s not just me is it? I also messaged @SortingItOut* who is wise beyond measure and she thinks Mr G lovebombed me and isn’t matching my level of commitment having won me round.

I’m gutted about Mr Local. But then to not even reply after 7 months of regular shagging and cuddles and chat and fun - says volumes I guess. Unless I hurt him so much he wants to die but I am not overestimating my allure 😂

Seriously next time I start to fall in love I am going to staple my fanny shut because nobody needs to go through this again. Least of all me.

I am resolutely not going to message Mr G today

@UtterSocks you deserve better than these people. You deserve someone who will care about you and love you for who you are. You will find him one day, I promise

@UtterSocks When I woke this morning I wondered if my messages last night were unnecessarily harsh, I'm glad you took them in the spirit intended.

You have been doing so well with boundary setting and I honestly think because he was or appeared to be so in to you, you lowered your barriers and tried to give a little back recognising you can't be avoidant forever.

The incident this weekend is helping you see who he really is, all talk and no action.

Does Mr G have family and friends?
If he does has he been making plans for you to meet them?

It sounds like he has compartmentalised his life very well and doesn't want any cross over and is happy with the status quo of his life bring messy and not willing to sort it despite asking for commitment from you.

I think you should take some time and have a think about what you want. Is it really over or could you speak to Mr G to explain how you are feeling and see if he sorts things?

@UtterSocks, which bit of Mr G's actions do you find so difficult to accept ? Are you struggling because you feel you have made yourself vulnerable by breaking down some of your barriers but he hasn't matched your effort ? Are you worried about his commitment to you ? You have said many times before that his home life and previous RS is very challenging and his ex DW/P is being very obstructive about him being able to move his life on. It reads to me that he wants you and a RS with you but the practicalities of moving on are too much for him to handle decisively. I don't think it makes him a bad person. What did you want from a RS with him ?

Oh no @UtterSocks - that is just typical and what a surprise after how MrG has been too...

Maybe he was pretty sure you would not be doing any introductions for a while longer following your stance and has been surprised at the lowering of your barriers, so much so he has retreated. Agreed though in that he has shown you who he is here. It may be worth a conversation to see if he steps up, whilst being fully prepared to walk away (& rekindle with Mr Local or start up with Mr AC12 who sounds like the perfect antidote to Mr G)
Sorry though as that really is shit x

[quote noodles44]**@Eesha just echoing the be kind to yourself message here.
I totally know how you feel regarding the alcoholic ex too. Mine is with someone and seemingly has landed on his feet after putting us through the wringer. It isn’t a real relationship though as I think she has some sort of rescuer complex and he still drinks (has been unable to see the children twice this month as over the limit) I know how easy it is to wonder how they have managed to meet someone whilst you are navigating OLD and all that entails. Just remember you have good boundaries and you come across as a lovely and considerate person, so when you meet someone it will be real and an authentic relationship (which I guarantee your ex is not managing despite appearances)
Sending hugs x[/quote]
This sounds like my ex although he doesn't have alcohol problems he has a work addiction. Which is real and devastating for people around him. However he plays the victim card really well and has a new girl who seems to do everything for him. But I know that she will end up suffering the way we did and my kids have even tried to warn her.

No regrets though and I hope neither you do too @Eesha and @noodles44 🍀🍀🍀

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi all,

Wishing @BelladiMamma the best of luck for her date today ❤️

Just been back on Bumble and would you believe it- Mr Casual is back on after deleting the app because he apparently hates it 😂 he's saying he wants a relationship this time. I see trouble ahead for his next girl 😂

I have also got a new iron. I'll call him Mr Bookworm. He's not the usual type I go for but we have a lot in common and he's really nice 😊 he's ask me to video date with him soon, bit nervous as I've never video dated with anyone before.

Eeekk!

Well MrBear was definitely worth getting over the amber flag for. Very very nice guy. No immediate spark or alarm bells but could have spent the whole day with him. Really really nice. Think the video comment was - hopefully - just a one off. We talked about everything and anything, I wanted to know lots about where he's lived & work, he was interested in hearing the same about me and of course we had both our dogs to distract us and they were all being very well behaved which was sweet

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi all,

Wishing @BelladiMamma the best of luck for her date today ❤️

Just been back on Bumble and would you believe it- Mr Casual is back on after deleting the app because he apparently hates it 😂 he's saying he wants a relationship this time. I see trouble ahead for his next girl 😂

I have also got a new iron. I'll call him Mr Bookworm. He's not the usual type I go for but we have a lot in common and he's really nice 😊 he's ask me to video date with him soon, bit nervous as I've never video dated with anyone before.

Eeekk!

Video dates are fine ... just know how much time they're going to be and sit somewhere comfortable with good lighting and have a natter! Gives you an idea of whether or not you'd like to spend time with this person IRL.

Also good for alarm bells re sex pests as they'll quickly ask for something more at which point you can hang up, block and delete.

Sorry @UtterSocks, I just re read your post and I had kind of misunderstood that it appears he's not even prepared to say he's seeing you. I guess that links to the whole inability to address the issues arising from his last RS ending and the apparent bombsite that it is. I still think he's not necessarily a bad person. He must have lots of positives for him to have been able to break down some of your barriers and to walk away from your FWB. Maybe give him and yourself a reasonable amount of time in which he has to address things. I say this as someone who is trying to give one RS my full commitment and hoping that my niggles with Mr V resolve. Most of us who are dating beyond 40 will be doing so with some degree of complication in our lives.

@BelladiMamma yay! He sounds lovely 😃 so pleased it worked out! Is a second date on the cards? ❤️

@BelladiMamma thank you so much for that 👍🏻