Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Another over thinker here but I agree with shayelle...sadly it doesn't sound like he's that bothered.

I think just leave it now, ball in his court and if he wants to make an effort he will.

Yes @GaraMedouar
I think any contact before meeting is irrelevant - it’s after that counts really.

I don’t think any of my interests have really done loads of wooing and pursuing and chasing (fine with me) but also there is some enthusiasm/keenness so it’s not all one-sided contact.

You could always take control - drop one message saying you don’t really have time to chat lots now but if he wants to meet after lockdown lifts to contact you to arrange, and wish him well? So he knows your position and that’s it.

Hi, I’m back!
I know it’s been several threads since I was last here so wave to the names I recognise and hi to the ones I don’t 👋.
I haven’t really got much news. My FAB FWB has petered out - he LOVED Trump and had some unsavoury ideas about racial superiority and I stopped fancying him after these were disclosed.
I had a couple of walking dates with Mr Mirror who seemed to have suspiciously similar tastes to me. He was fun and funny and surprisingly genuine but not my type unfortunately- I never got past the goatee (shudder).
So I’m back on tinder and my 20yo DS has declared his sympathy for the middle aged single men of the dating scene. Apparently I’m a bit fierce 🤷🏻‍♀️. Maybe it’s a generational thing .

That sounds a good plan @SpringlikeBunk

I do think it is such a strange time at the moment, if there is someone you had a connection with before that is maybe a bit flaky now after nearly 3 months of lockdown, it is probably worth seeing how the land lies in another month or so.

I did reload Tinder as was feeling really ignored at one point and that I wasn’t sure if he had completely blanked me, but it was just depressing and I felt uncomfortable being on there. If I found out he was back on the app I would have been upset, so I deleted it again. He messaged a few times since and am definitely holding out until we meet. We have been locked down and not seeing each other for as long as we were seeing each other pre this last lockdown.

Also, I think he doesn’t message if not much to say, where I am more chatty - so I tend to message more for that reason too. I have stopped constantly checking my phone though and messaging so much. It feels a bit like I am game playing, but he is so snowed under at work I don’t want to put him off by being too keen. Hopefully I haven’t already done that. I saw a friend at the weekend for a walk and she doesn’t think normal rules apply at the moment, she knows quite a few people in established relationships who are really struggling, so to be attempting to date is nigh on impossible!

The staycation sounds good too. Nice to have a few plans on the horizon again...

Thanks @Shayelle2009 , @bangheadhere40 and @SpringlikeBunk for confirming what I knew - I know you are right sadly- I just felt such a connection (of minds if you like - similar in humour, outlook, politics, diet etc) , so perfect on paper. We got on really well.
True not a real physical spark I’d say, but I don’t expect there to be particularly now, I’d have just liked a second date to just see if things grow.

I feel too old though (fifties) to play games.
If I was in the same situation after the first walk I would have texted - ‘really nice to meet you but I don’t think there’s any future - good luck you’re a really nice person ... etc’ something like that rather than keep him hanging on.
Trouble is I expect someone to behave exactly as I would.

@cravingthelook Thanks for the new thread.

@GaraMedouar This 'Trouble is I expect someone to behave exactly as I would' is the problem with OLD, generally our social circle consists of people who are similar to us so when you come across someone different its quite a shock.

I just wish men (and sometimes women) were more honest about their intentions instead of keeping people chatting with no intention of seeing them. Its an ego boost for them.

I admire everyone doing the 60 day thing, I hope these men step up. I know Covid has thrown things but surely people want to meet, new relationships should be exciting and fun and you want to spend at least some time together.

I'm still with Mr K but getting bored😱
I feel like we've turned in to an old married couple, I know Covid means we cant go to places but every evening we see each other is pretty much the same and its like groundhog day.
The series we are watching on Netflix is great but up until the summer of last year I hadn't watched TV for 2 years and prior to that I probably watched 1 programme a week and I find sitting still for an hour or so boring.

We actually did a weekend together this week as his son went away and it was lovely but I couldn't do it too often as I felt a bit stifled and that I couldnt do the housework which needed doing.

His van has blown up and his reaction to it reminded me of my ex, he sulked(his words) for 2 days and I never thought he was like that. He even cancelled us meeting.
I know its an awful thing to happen and I had the same last year but sulking doesnt help.

I hope I'm just hormonal or maybe once restrictions ease it will be better...I'm holding on for now but I'm happy to end things if need be.
If things end I wont be doing relationships again, I'll stick to FWB again.

I don’t think I could manage with a sulker . My exH was like that and it sucked the life out of me.

No messages from Mr S at all so I’ll have to leave it. I may send a final farewell as suggested .
I thought he may have sent one last night just to see how I was as I had my Covid jab - I told him I was having it the night before so he knew - and was a bit nervous about it (due to allergies).

But why, if he isn’t interested at all would he , after not messaging at the weekend until I initiated a ‘hi hope you had a nice weekend’ on Sunday eve chat, why would he then send a ‘morning x’ message on Monday morning along with a nice scenic photo? This is what I don’t get , if you’re not interested don’t send a nice little msg Mon morning to raise my hopes. So mon eve I sent a ‘hope you had a good day ‘ msg and asked if he fancied a phone chat - and then it was radio silence ! Maybe too much

Hes trying to give you the message @GaraMedouar that he thinks you're a nice enough person but he doesn’t want to take things further. It is what it is. I’d hold onto my pride and not send any more messages

Anyone got any good ideas for meeting new irons that doesn't involve dating apps? In lockdown? Im sure that's a ridiculous question but I just really want to meet someone new - just to chat to! Without having to download any of those cursed apps again 😫

@Shayelle2009 Get a dog and head to the nearest park at the same times every day, talk to everyone you see and hopefully you'll find a nice single man🤣

Failing that some outdoor events are going ahead after 12th April so maybe head to those with some friends.

Or trawl facebook for friends of friends and start messaging everyone.

I think option 1 is best if you already have a dog but if not option 2🙂

Good idea if you have a dog shayelle. I'm not sure i would just message random Facebook friends of friends though!

Apart from that I don't know 🤔 there are meet up groups that are still going ahead virtually I think, you could possibly try that.

Ahh I would LOVE a dog. However I cant because of my job. Lovely idea though

I see lots of good looking irons out and about but its really awkward to randomly start talking to someone in the street? ☺️

@bangheadhere40 Sorry that was my attempt at a joke, should have put 🤣 after.

I know lots of not single men who do that🙄

@Shayelle2009 If you do the same commute or walk in the same areas you see the same people regularly so just start saying hello to everyone and see what happens

Thank goodness i dont have Facebook or any forms of social media! What I really need a part time job at screwfix as thats where all the electricians, plumbers, builders etc go 😬

Oh yes, I would love to work at B&Q, gardening tools and paint really get me going!

@SortingItOut I'm sorry to hear you're getting bored etc, but I think you're doing the right thing to hold on until after lockdown before taking action. This is a really hard slog, nothing is or feels right or real at the moment, we're all jaded and pissed off. Re Mr K 'sulking' - horrible behaviour but everyone has their faults in the end, maybe a good and open chat about it will help?

Mr GN has really stepped up on the cleanliness front after my talking to last week, showering every day and clean clothes yay. He's also come out of his miserable hole (a major deal causing hassle at the last moment - it's happened once before and he just 'holes up', still functioning but barely 'there' or washing IYSWIM).

Work is a nightmare, I'm worried sick about my DD, God I need a pub and to see my dad!

Hold on tight everyone, at least it's spring and the daffodils are on our side!

@Shayelle2009 Hey! I've been avoiding the apps for about a month now but my approach in the real world has been to look and feel the best i can be. That has meant smartening up more, doing my hair and wearing a tiny bit of make up plus i walk about 2hrs a day. I just look a lot more polished now and several people have commented how much better i look (clearly i was a mess before) but i guess if i ever did meet someone, i would look and feel good rather than head down, hiding. Also i plan to take up yoga once Easter holidays are over. Ok it's something I've always wanted to do but also i do gravitate towards men who like it as it feels less alpha male! So by chance if i did meet someone there, they would be more likely to be the type i like. Perhaps have a think about doing things you enjoy and see what happens there, perhaps a running club or walks etc? Just an idea really.

Hey @Eesha 😊 ahh thats amazing you are flying high and feeling great! Its really nice to hear, really admire your strength of character and positivity 💗

‘It’s always darkest before dawn’ Ive heard people say, I know things will improve but at the minute it feels never ending..

I cant wait until the gym reopens hopefully on 12th april. Will just be nice to have it to go to!

Sending good thoughts @ThisTooShallBeFantastic its hard isnt it.

@shayelle2009 your Screwfix comment made me laugh out loud because I actually walked past Screwfix earlier and thought oooh wish I had a job there as a fit tradesman walked to his van outside lol!

If you want to meet tradesmen you can just book a load to come round and quote for stuff. I've never met any I'd want to keep though.

A guy who came to deal with my drains two weeks ago left his coat, I phoned the company and told them and never heard back so then I recalled I had his mobile number and I got his name from the paperwork and texted him and he replied "yeah, I'll get it next time I'm nearby" - uncouth git, no thanks or anything, if he's not collected by the end of this week it's going in the bin, it's bloody filthy and I don't want it hanging around in my house!

@vangoughsdog I'd rather meet people naturally rather than booking people in...already got a nice looking maintenance man I have a cheeky flirt with! Eugh, you'd think he'd have acted a bit more grateful and come to get it? Don't blame you binning it after a week!

Morning all - interesting discussion re: meeting people off the apps. In two years post-separation I did not meet one single eligible man IRL. Not one! I wasn't really looking but honestly, it was depressing. Probably due to my age (early 50s) but I went to a few nights out with friends for a dance and all the women looked fantastic and all the men looked like their carers should be lurking in the background to make sure they didn't abscond. The apps are full of oddballs but it was the only option for me! I always hoped I'd meet a guy at the gym but there is some harsh competition there and sparse choice of men. I do like a lot of their bodies but my gym is full of idiots! And it is also my sanctuary so probably don't want to fill it up with exes and three month wonders!

@SortingItOut sorry you are getting bored with Mr K. You always seemed very independent and self sufficient though, more so than him, so lockdown must be exacerbating those differences - he is probably happier with the status quo and staying in being boring and couply than you are? Why don't you make a list of all the things he adds to your life and all the things that annoy you and see how that looks? I know you have been together a while and at times I have thought your relationship sounded ideal. (But then that is also compared to the shitshow that tends to be my relationships! 😂)

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic - so are you giving Mr GN another chance? Is he actually staying with you full time right now?

I have already started planning for nights out etc when restaurants open as I reckon everywhere will be booked up. Am really looking forward to it. This year of lockdown has been hell! If I do split up with Mr G at least I can meet people for something other than boring fucking walks. It just doesn't do it for me as a date at all!

@Uttersocks no he's not staying with me full time. I'm biding my time because work takes priority and I can't deal with the fallout of ending it at the moment, but given how free and wonderful I felt over the weekend at the prospect of it being over, I will still be going ahead I'm afraid. That may sound a bit callous I know...

I really feel now that relationships are just not worth the hassle... I annoy myself enough, why would I want to share my life with yet another annoying person?