Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Onesmallstep67 yes I'm biding my time due to work commitments on each side. We shall have The Talk next week, when the mists have cleared somewhat

@WingingItAtLife, there is no 60 day option as such but it was rather cleverly suggested by someone a few days ago as a period leading up to lockdown lifting in which you would maybe stop worrying about where things were heading or what everything meant as such and just see what happened. Focusing on the here and now and enjoying things with your iron - but with a built in review a couple of months down the line.

@WingingItAtLife, I should have added that the 60 days could also be interpreted as a period in which you maybe don't push the ' what are we ? what's happening here ? ' chat but more a period of deliberation about how they act, how they make you feel and if they are being a bit flaky, has there been an improvement in that ?

@Onesmallstep67 ah thank you. Yes that sounds like an idea for me. I suppose it's sort of what I'd decided to do anyway... He knows where I stand now so it's up to him to decide what he wants I guess. I'm going to not over think it anymore, and going to enjoy the break in the weather and go for lots of solo walks!

@WingingItAtLife and @frankiefirstyear I’m in a somewhat similar situation with Mr TG as he never initiates meeting and has cancelled 2 possible meets on my child free weekends. He was never overly love bombing at the beginning though it’s just like he is not too bothered to make an effort.
I feel like I’m making excuses for him when really he should want to see me shouldn’t he?
He’s in touch every day, just chitchat, so he seems to want to keep me around but for what reason I’m not clear! He was last at mine on 13 Feb and we met briefly for a coffee a couple of weeks ago and that’s it! We can only get together at mine so if we miss the chance it’s 2 weeks before it can happen again unless we have a walk in between.

We also don’t speak on the phone so it’s hard to build any kind of connection and every time we meet it’s like starting over again!
I don’t know why I’m hanging in there- maybe because I believe if we get things going it could be good but then I wonder will things ever get going 🤷‍♀️

@Mayzee welcome to the club!!
What are we all doing hey?!
I'm with you on the 2 weeks..... I'm only available on alternative weekends and sometimes when the kids dad has them for extra days.

Mr green also keeps in touch every single day. I keep expecting him to stop but he keeps messaging.
We have had some phone calls but he doesn't ask for them and I asked for the last two but they didn't go ahead so I'm reluctant to ask again.

21 th Feb here for the last time we met.... And I'm also hanging on for the same reason.... Because when we were together it was great!

Wow I could not love this thread title more! Thanks @cravingthelook

@SpringlikeBunk "If someone needs me to be a cool flirtatious party girl who sends loads of cute or sexy messages/plans fun stuff to get a guys attention then I just feel shit about myself". This was me with Mr Beard. I despised myself in the end. I even bought underwear for him. (I mean for me to wear for him - I didn't dress him up in my pants). I was a construct of a person, a facsimile. He did like me, I know he did - just not enough, and who he liked wasn't really me. I'd call him self obsessed but actually he also had a lot going on... as I say we are still friendly, and I can't hate him. But the thing with Mr G is totally different. I wasn't that keen at first - I liked him as someone to date and pass the time with. But he is so wonderfully consistent and the more time I spend with him the more I like him. It is nice to be where you are appreciated.

Fingers crossed for everyone that we have some positive moves by the end of this thread, that irons start behaving better and the apps throw up some hitherto undiscovered gems as we move out of lockdown...

And @Dancerinthemoonlight good luck with the job hunt!

I've hit that point of singledom that I've just received a text from one of my best friends claiming she's setting me up with her husband's brother (who's gorgeous but six years younger !?) Or one of her best friends who I met briefly at a fancy dress party pre covid. I mean, I love her for thinking of me but do I need a man that much!? Pressure lol..

@UtterSocks thank you. The current one is wearing me down and I have got to the point where I don't want to log on in the morning. The contract is until the end of next month and no clue if they want to extend.
Hopefully something will turn up that I actually enjoy doing

@havecourage8bekind I hit that point in November 2019 where my best friend tried to set me up at her wedding and again in October last year where she told me she would help me find a good man if I helped her lose weight. Not helped by the fact we have totally different tastes in men.

I'm actually happy being single at the moment and focusing on me and my goals. Yes I would like a man but only if he adds value to an already amazing me

It was me who suggested the 60 day 'chill' thing - although (at the moment - aware things could change at any point!) things between Mr LW and I are going very nicely. For me the 60 day thing is about saving any conversations about 'what are we' 'meeting my DD' etc for a couple of months and instead just enjoying myself and 'living in the moment' for want of a better phrase (I'm terrible at living in the moment, i'm a huge planner so this is me trying not to get caught up and start planning every detail)

Okay I'm after more advice.....
As I mentioned an old school friend messaged me last night and we had a bit of a chat. We got into the topic of pizza and ice cream being a good date if it wasn't for covid (random I know) but truth be told, I'm not interested in a date with him.... Or really anyone else right now.
I'm enjoying chatting with him and am happy to continue but I think he wants more...
What do I do?!
Be straight and tell him I'm not looking for dates right now?

Great title on this new thread. It's just so appropriate it could be used twice. Part of the OLD experience to have the corpse of a 3 month wonder to pick over (although not literally ).

@WingingItAtLife - yup, be straight kindly. Not looking for a date but enjoying the chat is fine.

@WingingItAtLife

I agree with @DudeFromThatLondon just be clear sooner and don’t give vague excuses or promises

(especially if he’s not someone you think you’ll ever be attracted to - it’s then worse as he’ll think he’s in with a chance later?).

Contact may drop off to be fair but that’s just how it works - guys wanting a date or sex will be keener!

Winging I would just say you aren't looking to date him but you would be happy to meet as mates ( if you want that). The older I get the better I think it's best to he honest, he will be fine about it.

I agree, best just be straight up, cards on the table.. saves a lot of wasted time

Hi all just checking in
My 3mth wonder meant 3 months of chatting to Mr P. We had met in December for a walk then just messaging almost daily. Met him again at the weekend for a walk and decided we both want the same thing from this currently and will see where it goes
We met on fab but both want a good physical relationship but also do other things together and not move in and be totally in each other's lives.
I'm feeling happy about it after 18 mths of odd dates, ghosting, other endless chats that goes no where but this feels different
I'll update you if anything changes

Bring on the sunshine desperate to sit in a pub garden and just chill

Booking/planning my time away this summer

Last summer I was hoping for more dates out, seeing new things together etc

but tbh with lockdown and guys just wanting to push for home dates (or me to work round THEIR going out/social schedules) it never happened

I had a few drinks out and meals and randomly climbed a mountain but was a bit sparse and hard to organise.

Plus the utter car crash of the guy who invited himself along on my time away (not my idea)

then after I’d looked mutually convenient places up suddenly started getting cold feet and almost screwed up my plans/left me with a dud booking ( I never book or pay upfront for joint social activities but if I had I’d have been screwed).

So this summer I’m just setting my own social stuff and goals to meet my mental health needs, and any irons are extra

@SpringlikeBunk That's just made me think of iron supplements being very much like irons.

They should ideally be taken with food and drink, and are there to enhance your life. Once they hit the expiry date, chuck 'em in the bin. The same can be said about the tablets too

Hi,
Great thread title. Just checking in to agree with the idea of a 60 day hold before questioning too much and trying to be in the moment.

I met my iron (Mr G) in October. We saw each other once or twice a week until the latest lockdown as had bubbled together. We are both classed as vulnerable (him more so) so he didn’t want to meet during lockdown and keep his circle as small as possible. His work has been ridiculously busy, so comms have totally dropped off with hardly any phone calls or messages. We definitely intend to meet again when we can. I am disappointed at the lack of messages and it has taken a couple of months of them dropping off for me to not be glued to my phone - however hard I have tried to busy myself with other stuff. He won’t even meet for a walk as we are not immediately local to each other (30 mins drive)
But, I just keep telling myself that this lockdown is affecting everyone differently and that we got on brilliantly when we were seeing each other regularly - so am going with the flow. I think after a couple of months I will address any issues and the difference in comms if they haven’t picked back up again to pre lockdown levels and see where we are. I do feel like I am less bothered about him too after feeling quite ignored, but am hopeful that when we see each other again it will be good.

I have thrown myself into walks and fitness as am furloughed with a ridiculous amount of time to over think everything given half a chance!

Hi - can I join in?
I’ve been on tinder and bubble for around 9 months now, messaged a few , three phone dates , and one long (too long in hindsight) socially distanced walk a few weeks ago. Before the walk Mr S and I messaged loads, and spoke on the phone loads and had a real connection. Got on so well so I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves for the date to be ‘perfect’. I was really nervous so didn’t stop gabbling away. Too much though!
But I think it went ok , enjoyed the walk and would like to do again . I’m not sure whether he wants to.

Mr S has really reduced messages and I seem to be the one initiating everything now. We’ve only talked a couple of times again , once a week, again me asking for the chat - but when we’re talking is just as easy as before.

I said I’d like to meet up again and he agreed in a sort of , well alright I suppose so way , not oh great I’d love that too. It was a bit vague and didn’t go ahead in the end.
I know I need to back off a bit. But, I really want to know if he’s interested or not. He’ll still sometimes send a text off his own bat.
Trouble is this is all new to me and I have no idea what’s normal.

If he didn’t want to carry on , why would he reply to messages? Would someone just do that to be polite? I feel like it’s just limping along now and he should put me out of my misery and just say straight out.
I am a terrible over thinker and I always analyse to the tenth degree what he is thinking with what he texts, frequency etc but I know I can’t really know what’s going on in his head .

It seems like lots of us are in similar rubbish situations!!!
I have no advice as I'm new to this but I'm sure some of the others will have some wisdom.

I'm also an over thinker... Is there anyone who isn't?! I'd love to not be!
And I've also thrown myself into going for long solo walks (never done this before expect when walking a dog) and fitness. It definitely helps me feel better about myself! Thankfully, I'm not furloughed so have some distraction 3 days a week x

@noodles44

That sounds a good plan.

I have one chat iron MrPM who is next city down and whilst I’d really like to meet him it seems unlikely for over a month due to travel restrictions.

Plus like yours as he’s busy with work due to the industry he’s in (99.999 % certain this is genuine as I know what the job involves and have seen his online work profiles etc ) not really messaging.

However.....it’s so rare to connect with quality people online (who also more importantly like me as well).

I mean I get plenty of ok looking
matches

but then of course only a certain percentage reply/some are weirdos or sex hounds etc etc. I find often the guys who message loads and “chase” straight away are just keen on sex immediately or desperate.

So rather than get frustrated and cut him off and meet up with lots of desperate pushy sex guys (of course I’m still open to meeting others if they seem ok ) I’m just going to see where he’s at in a month.

I’ve provisionally booked a trip to his city (not to see him it’s for cheap staycation)

so of course if he’s around rather than sulk because he hasn’t paid me enough attention I’d love to see if we can meet.

Doesnt sound like hes bothered @GaraMedouar. Id cut that one loose!