Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

onwards Mr Ex who broke my heart had a significant physical disability. If he'd mentioned it in his profile I wouldn't have swiped right. As it was, he told me into our chat, it didn't put me off, I fell in love with him, the rest is history. A good 'un won't have a problem.

@onwardseverstridingonwards I think you'll know when to slip it into conversation, and if he's a decent guy who's into you - he'll be fine with it. If not, it wasn't meant to be! X @shayelle2009 Conversation going well, it always does! We get along really well, but I think I'm quite easy to talk to so I have to remember that someone holding a decent conversation doesn't mean they actually like me! Hope you hear from your iron soon x

@WeWantTheFinestWines

onwards Mr Ex who broke my heart had a significant physical disability. If he'd mentioned it in his profile I wouldn't have swiped right. As it was, he told me into our chat, it didn't put me off, I fell in love with him, the rest is history. A good 'un won't have a problem.

Thanks @WeWantTheFinestWines. That's useful to know.

I haven't mentioned it in my profile because on Tinder, you only view a snatch of someone's bio so I decided not to include it. Have done on other dating sites though.

@bangheadhere40

I don't think it will make a difference tbh if he's genuine and likes you. I would probably mention it if the time felt right to, nothing to be ashamed of, just something that makes you you.

I mean they flake anyway, if he's a decent guy I don't think it will make any difference at all.

@bangheadhere40

I agree @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards if he's the right guy it wont make any difference.

Well @havecourage8bekind its just nice to have that little chat and comnection going in this lonely old time isnt it? Brightens the day a little 😊

@BLTLover what's pushing you towards the apps??

@Shayelle2009

I agree *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* if he's the right guy it wont make any difference.

Well @havecourage8bekind its just nice to have that little chat and comnection going in this lonely old time isnt it? Brightens the day a little 😊

Thank you @Shayelle2009

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i dont think anyones perfect at all and everyone has things they might want to admit to. I have a nasty condition that really disruptive when it flares. My ex for all his sins and many bad points was actually surprisingly brilliant when i was flaring. People can surprise you 😊

onwards we actually talked about it on our first date - he'd been unsure whether to mention it in his profile. I said no, as I would probably not have given him a chance and I was glad I did. Turned out I'm not as shallow as I thought I was... I wouldn't just drop it casually into a chat though, I would acknowledge that it's potentially 'a thing', let him know, give him the opportunity to ask questions so it can be dealt with and you can then move on to a date without it being something you don't talk about.

[quote Shayelle2009]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i dont think anyones perfect at all and everyone has things they might want to admit to. I have a nasty condition that really disruptive when it flares. My ex for all his sins and many bad points was actually surprisingly brilliant when i was flaring. People can surprise you 😊[/quote]
My ex was quite good about mine too.

Thank you so much for your messages- really good to get people's views!

Hello all,

Just placemarking on the new thread but also checking in.
All good here with Mr P. We were cuddling in bed last night and he said "We are so lucky to have found each other " and he's right !
He isn't perfect, but neither am I!!
All I know is that 14 months later after just one OLD I have found someone lovely .
It IS doable....

Hi all, please can I join? I'm only 2 days in to this mad world of OLD and I'm not sure if I'm doing it right! I'm on Match and some of the guys look scary...I'm 52 and was with my ex H from age 19, so I'm clueless. I am chatting to one guy, but just lots of chatty messages and how can I be sure I'd like him IRL?

Welcome @Howdoesthiswork

I don’t think you ever really know if there’s a real connection till you meet someone in real life tbh - so that’s the next stage to arrange?

Have you chatted/thought about the logistics of it yet?

If it’s long distance or lockdown means it might be a while an option is to have a phone call or a zoom meet so you can check if there’s connection before committing any further?

I sometimes meet with text only but that’s as I’m just walking into my city centre for coffee (I live central), so it’s not really high investment.

[quote frankiefirstyear]@BLTLover what's pushing you towards the apps??[/quote]
Loneliness!

@SpringlikeBunk Thanks for the tip. It does feel like we can't just keep messaging. Guess I'm just really nervous but it could get a bit weird to text for weeks. We're about 45 minutes apart. Maybe a call then, but I'm not good on the phone

@BLTLover I think apps are good for combating loneliness. I have gone on a couple of times with no pic and just put 'chat only' on the profile just to boost my confidence and basically as a boredom/loneliness buster. I found it helped to set my sights low in terms of expectation and used them to get through a night when I felt I needed some sort of connection.

@Howdoesthiswork I do call volunteering to people who have often been pressured by social workers/gps to join the befriending service. Sometimes these people think that the calls are going to be from busy bodies or patronising, so the conversation doesn't flow well at all. What I tend to do is sit with a note pad and make bullet points for topics, add info that I know about them, and draw up some common ground with them. Maybe that approach could help you if you decide to call irons?

Update on Mr M. He actually came for a date!!! Right up until the doorbell rang I was waiting for a cancellation, didn't get excited at all - in fact I felt quite indifferent (an age old defensive mechanism from dead beat after dead beat, no doubt!). But when he arrived I was lit up.
He did mention the drive being a bit long - I'm right across the city from him and he can only come when my kids are asleep and leave the same night, so I do get it. I think that just tips the scales when he's already feeling tired after work etc.
He's so loving though so I'm happy to carry on, my defences are in place for the disappointment now for sure, so hopefully it will feel more worth it.
Hope everyone else in this boat gets some soon!!!

@Howdoesthiswork

It’s not really obligatory but it might save some time if meeting is a big commitment for you?

Just try for general open questions like:

• How has lockdown been going?
• How are you finding the site so far?
• Do you enjoy doing x hobby/your work?

It doesn’t need to be perfect but if it’s ok and you feel comfortable then that’s a good step - if you’re meeting in person you’ll need to be talking then!

Also don’t feel you have to flirt or try to impress if that’s not your style. It’s screening for both of you really.

Actually a few of my worse dates over the last couple years I could have avoided with the phone step -

not terrible and I wanted to be out doing stuff anyway

but I had one guy who was a fantasist (almost slept with Gisele the supermodel) and my meet last weekend I’d never have met if we’d spoken first on the phone as he was too quiet/poor social skills.

Interesting comments about sending messages when you want - I'm seeing a therapist at the moment, to try and figure out why I get so attached and find it hard to walk away. One thing she mentioned this week when I said I get really anxious waiting for someone to reply to a message, was that I should never try to second-guess anyone.

If I feel like sending a message, I should send it - just be me.

As for meeting people outside of the apps - I've been struggling with this too. Just over a year ago I was looking to do an 8 week cookery course. I figured over 8 weeks I'd get to know the other people on the course, and maybe make new friends or even meet someone nice. However even if I didn't - I'd still come out with better cooking skills which can only be a good thing.

I also started volunteering at an animal rescue shelter, but only managed to go once before lockdown hit.

@Howdoesthiswork The only way to be sure is to meet IRL. Some people like chatting on the phone, others don't - I think it helps weed out anyone with really bad social skills, but of all the dates I've been on without an initial call, I can only think of one I wouldn't have met. Also I've had some great chats on the phone with matches, and we just haven't clicked face to face.

You usually know within the first few minutes of meeting them if you like them, so that first date doesn't need to be too long - just a coffee, or walk around a park will tell you if you're interested in spending more time with them.

I personally like to meet quite quickly, so just use the online chat to decide if they can hold a reasonable conversation, and whether there are any obvious red flags. The longer you chat, the more likely it is you build up a fantasy in your mind of what they're like - and most of the time they never live up to that in real life.

Thanks everyone who commented.
As much as I hate sulking I have to remember that Mr K was sulking over his van (his livelihood) and not like my ex who sulked and ignored me when I caught him out in one of his numerous emotional affairs.
Plus Mr K did tell me he was sulking but still messaged quite a bit.

If I wrote down the pros and cons there would definitely be a lot more pros, he is a really great guy and is accommodating of my busy life and when I rope him in to things. He is happy to watch TV, its what he does at home when we dont see each other (before lockdown he might meet up with a friend as well) so its his idea of a good evening whereas I'm out doing stuff or doing stuff in my house.
He's really pleased we are a couple and seems to really like me but he is not very forthcoming with his feelings (like me) and I mentioned it to him months ago and he said he used to wear his heart on his sleeve but was so hurt in his previous relationship when she cheated that he isn't anymore.
So we're 2 emotionally guarded people trying to have a relationship but not discussing our feelings🤦‍♀️
Not sure where my wobble has come from and I have to remember that I'm not perfect either and probably annoy him sometimes.

I'm seeing him tonight and looking forward to it 😁

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic I hope things improve for you soon and of course it will soon be time for seeing families in gardens and beer gardens and before we know it we'll be inside houses and pubs.

I think you're making the right decision with Mr GN especially if you felt relief after making the decision.
I hope you telling him goes smoothly.

Thanks. Lots of helpful advice. I'll definitely keep the first date short, but I think a call might be a good first step. It's a big learning curve being out of my comfort zone. Appreciate the advice on not feeling that I have to flirt!

Sounds like you will 'sort it out' sortingitout, it's difficult but maybe try and have a conversation.

I agree with meeting asap, it's not always possible with logistics etc but if they are genuine they should have no problem with it.

Hi Everyone thought I'd join, been reading the thread for a while now and it's been so helpful to know that I'm not the one with a screw loose and other women have the same issues with OLD

Started using OLD in November and its been interesting!!

My question is if you're talking to/seeing multiple men when do you bring this up with them? I'm aware some of the guys I'm talking to are talking to other women as they have updated their profiles on the app (they haven't told me I've noticed lol and we chat via whatsapp or text). But I now want to update my bio and photos but I don't want for them to notice and to bring up the conversation!

None of them have mentioned exclusivity at all so I may be worrying about nothing but also don't wan to put any of them off!!!

@PrizePeach If I wanted to update my bio I would. If
Any of them brought up the conversation I'd let them. I'd be honest and say I'm chatting to a few people. I'd ask what they want. If they are looking for exclusivity, that's up to you to decide if you want that. If you do decide, just drop a message to the others, that you are meeting someone and you have decided to give it a try exclusive and wish them well.

If we were all more honest OLD would be more pleasant to navigate.