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Original poster

Shocked after 20yrs.

169 replies

Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 20:43

Just discovered through a third party that my DP of 20yrs killed two elderly pedestrians in a road accident before we met and he never told me! He won’t talk about it or let me know the details and his family keep it quiet. I met him after he moved to Preston from Leeds. I’m wondering
a) is that what prompted the move? To get away from it?
b) how can I find out the details of the accident?
I’ve tried looking at past papers or looking it up online but so far have drawn a blank.
c) do you think he was wrong to not mention it to me?

OP posts:
Tal45 · 21/03/2021 20:56

Wow, that must have been a shock. Instead of trying to look it up why don't you just ask him about it. It might not have been his fault at all (I assume if he didn't go to jail) but he might be devastated by it so go gently. Then you can ask him why he didn't tell you as we can only guess xxx

StephenBelafonte · 21/03/2021 20:58

No he wasn't wrong not to mention it to you.

My brother accidently killed a man (not in a vehicle, but it was a total accident and no charges were brought). I don't think his wife knows and they've been married 15 years. People find it traumatic and don't like to talk about it :(

HollowTalk · 21/03/2021 20:59

I don't think I'd be able to bring myself to talk about it if I did that.

Do you know whether there was a court case?

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 21:04

He refuses to tell me about it so I suppose I should just let it rest. I just couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t have told me. Because no-one will talk about it to me I don’t know if there was a court case or not, if he was in jail or not or what the outcome was. I understand it must be a traumatic thing to have on his conscience.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 21/03/2021 21:06

Yes, it was wrong of him not to tell you.
It is a massive thing. And must have been very traumatic for him and have had an impact on who he is as a result.

Since he has not told you what happened I don't blame you for wanting to find out.

refusetobeasheep · 21/03/2021 21:09

this is like a script from Unforgiven .... I think he should have told you at some point. How did you find out?

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 21:14

I found out from DSSon who let it slip, was annoyed at me as always and enjoyed the look on my face when he told me.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/03/2021 21:20

He should have told you.

I would find it unacceptable that he is refusing to tell you now.

Tjis is not details of an old relationship.

This is the death of two people, that was his fault.

I would have a huge problem with it and him.

The cheek of him.
How utterly shocking for you.

He deliberately withheld information that you deserve to know.

Flowers
DancesWithFelines · 21/03/2021 21:27

It would be better if he would just talk to you about it now that you know. If he won’t do that and you are troubled and ruminating on it then you could get a private investigator to do a criminal background check on him? I enquired about this recently and the cost was about £195 plus VAT.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 21/03/2021 21:28

That would be the end of the marriage for me.

Not the fact it happened, but that he's lied to you for 20+ years and even when his son has gloatingly told you, he still won't talk to you. WTAF does he expect? That'll you'll just pretend it never happened?

Fuck That Shit.

FAQs · 21/03/2021 21:31

Goodness that’s a shock! He might or might not be at fault, re the accident however now it’s been raised it’s not unreasonable for you to want to know more.

Hoppinggreen · 21/03/2021 21:37

It was before you met
If you think he is a good man now and love him then does it really matter?
Don’t give your SS the satisfaction of it causing an issue

PhilCornwall1 · 21/03/2021 21:43

This is the death of two people, that was his fault.

Where does it say in the OPs post that it was his fault? They don't know the details, so surely you have just assumed he was to blame.

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 21:46

True, my OP didn’t say it was his fault as I don’t know for sure but I suspect he may have been speeding. He’s really down on speeders in general.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/03/2021 21:47

Irrespective of whether he was at fault, it is a terrible thing to withhold.

espressoontap · 21/03/2021 21:48

I couldn't not tell my partner. I'd be upset, OP.

Dontbeme · 21/03/2021 21:49

I'd be upset too OP, him and his family have lied to you for 20 years (lies of omission but still) I would be wondering what else was being withheld from me and have difficulty trusting any of them.

Bimblybomeyelash · 21/03/2021 21:51

This happened before you met him and doesn’t have any bearing on your life. You
Have no ‘right to know’. I find it out of order that you are trying to find out what happened in order to satisfy your morbid curiosity.

PP are being needlessly dramatic about this being marriage ending.

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 21:52

Thanks@Dontbeme. You’ve voiced how I’m feeling about it right now.

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 21:56

It's a massive part of his past and will have shaped how he is today.

The fact you don't even know if he's been to prison and he won't tell you is just madness and his whole family know but have kept it a secret too.

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 21:57

Gosh@Bimblybomeyelash. I don’t have “a morbid curiosity” about it as you say. I just feel that he should have told me such a huge thing had happened in his life. He obviously feels different. I do think that once I found out he could have told me how it happened and then we could have put it behind us rather than him dismissing my inquiry and cutting me short.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 21:59

I agree with you@DavidsSchitt

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 21/03/2021 21:59

I would not feel happy if this was kept from me. It must have affected insurance, and job applications etc. It's a huge life event and of course it will affect him many years later. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership.

Honeyroar · 21/03/2021 22:01

I agree. I’d be shocked as hell and find his refusal to tell you anything really strange.

Ferrylights · 21/03/2021 22:04

There would have been an inquest - you could check with the appropriate Coroner's office. What a shock though, how did he think this would never come out somehow ?