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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked after 20yrs.

169 replies

Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 20:43

Just discovered through a third party that my DP of 20yrs killed two elderly pedestrians in a road accident before we met and he never told me! He won’t talk about it or let me know the details and his family keep it quiet. I met him after he moved to Preston from Leeds. I’m wondering
a) is that what prompted the move? To get away from it?
b) how can I find out the details of the accident?
I’ve tried looking at past papers or looking it up online but so far have drawn a blank.
c) do you think he was wrong to not mention it to me?

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 21/03/2021 22:05

Wow, that is a shock!

IWantT0BreakFree · 21/03/2021 22:05

I suppose one way to start would be to decide how you feel about the different possibilities surrounding the incident, and how that might change your feelings for your partner. How would you feel about him if it was just a terrible accident (they stepped into the road without warning etc)? How would you feel about him if he'd been drunk or high and mown them down on a zebra crossing? Or speeding? If the answer to any of those is that you would no longer want to be in a relationship with him, then you need to give him that ultimatum. Either he tells you and gives you the opportunity to make an informed decision on the continuation of the relationship, or you assume he was drunk/high/speeding and end it. The other thing to consider is whether you are willing to continue a relationship with someone has withheld such a huge piece of information from you for two decades, especially when his whole family have known all along.

Contrary to popular MN opinion, it's perfectly fine to decide to end a relationship based on things that happened before you were together (or based on anything at all, actually; your boundaries and limits are your own). Otherwise if we follow through with the "it happened before you were together so it's none of your business" mentality, we would also expect women to continue relationships with men who they discover have committed sexual offences or murders prior to meeting them, for example. Sometimes a person's past DOES matter, and it's nobody's place to judge you if your partner's past matters to you.

Giraffey1 · 21/03/2021 22:09

Trouble is with something like this is the longer you keep it a secret, the harder it is to tell ...

Chloemol · 21/03/2021 22:12

I don’t think he needs to tell you, it was before you met, and as he has made clear to you now he doesn’t want to talk about it, and probably it’s his way of coping

Why should he have to drag up everything to tell you ‘how it happened and then you put it behind you’

He doesn’t want to discuss it, and whywould you want to go digging for the facts now? What would you do, force him to talks about it?

Just accept it happened, he doesn’t want to talk about it and move on

PurpleMustang · 21/03/2021 22:17

Yeah that is not on that he is now not talking. His son has told you out of spite. He must have known his son was a ticking timb bomb to tell you. I would be saying that knowing his son knew and likely to spill the secret to hurt you, he was wrong not to tell you himself. And also that if he now can't be decent enough to tell you the truth you'll go find it. It'll be on the Internet or in records somewhere. Personally I would be annoyed he didn't tell me before getting married. You have lived along a lie you didn't know about. What if it had been a deal breaker for you. You wasn't given the choice to decide to stay with him. He choose for you by keeping it secret.

Lilye88 · 21/03/2021 22:22

@Lancashirerose how long after the incident did you get together?

I have a past - one I’m not proud of, it’s a tricky situation to be in because if you tell all straight away, people judge and run a mile. If you keep quiet the longer the story is to tell. Sometimes saying nothing is easier and you just plod along.

Has he caused you concern over the last 20 years at all?

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:27

@Lilye88 - I don’t even know the year it happened - no-one is telling me anything. I can understand it’s difficult for him to talk about it...... and yes he has caused me concern over the years at times. Don’t want to divulge details as I might be recognised.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 21/03/2021 22:27

I'd want to know what happened, not the details, but there's a big difference between deliberately running someone over in a fit of rage, or someone walking out in front of the car and you can't stop. I think after 20 years of marriage you deserve to know at least the bare bones of what went on.

I'm not surprised that you're shocked, I'd also be very annoyed at my dh if he wouldn't give me a brief description of what happened.

Redruby82 · 21/03/2021 22:28

Tbh at what point do you bring something like that up in conversation? Probably not when you were first dating and as time went on I expect maybe he felt it was too late. He is obviously extremely devastated and traumatised by it so it can't be easy to talk about it. By the sounds of it he has done his best to move on with his life and I'm guessing talking about it will bring up awful memories for him.

However I can totally understand you feeling this way, I would have wanted to know. Maybe just let him know if he wants to talk about it you are there to listen with no judgment. I don't really see what else you can do if he won't talk to you.

Ginger1982 · 21/03/2021 22:28

If you google his name and words like 'car accident' or where he lived does anything come up?

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:29

@harknesswitch
Thanks that’s how I feel about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:30

@Ginger1982
No. Nothing

OP posts:
scotsllb · 21/03/2021 22:32

I understand that it happened before you were together and that it's his past and technically doesn't have to tell you, but I would feel very strange being married to a man who didn't want to be open and share his past with me.
Where is the trust and communication. I get it must be his way of dealing with it but you know now so it's unfair to leave you with no information.
Is he annoyed you know? I take his son knew you didn't know

Stovetopespresso · 21/03/2021 22:33

gosh you poor thing. what a shock. part of getting to know and trust someone is you share the life-defining events of your past imo. I guess he so doesnt want it to be life-defining hence keeping it a secret. i'd be well pissed off. for pps saying its his business yes, but if you want to know about it for the sake of trust intimacy and understanding, its your business too 100%.
i would be feeling betrayed too.

CausingChaos2 · 21/03/2021 22:35

Even if he withheld it for many good reasons at the time, the fact it has come out now, he should be willing to talk to you and hopefully put you at ease about what happened. To refuse to discuss is just cruel.

AIMD · 21/03/2021 22:36

Can you ask his son about it if he was the one who mentioned it in the first place?

I can understand him not wanting to talk about it as it must be very upsetting, but to not mention it at all after such a long relationship seems odd. I guess in your shoes I’d be upset as it would probably shake my perception of my relationship that such a large secret had been kept by everyone.

icegarden · 21/03/2021 22:37

It must have been more than 20 + years ago. How old is he now? How old is DDSon to have known about this?
I once knew someone who told me about his son who had murdered his girlfriend in a rage. Did his time in jail. Then was working in a nice leafy area as a self employed gardener. I often wondered if he told people

Stichintime · 21/03/2021 22:39

You say you dont want to be recognised, but surely the areas you mentioned would make you recognisable? I'm not sure about this, sorry.

Goldieloxx · 21/03/2021 22:39

Why should he talk about it, it's obviously traumatic for him. I wouldn't either!

JoyOrbison · 21/03/2021 22:40

There's to many grey areas here:

Caused the death of two people but won't say how

Implication (you believe) speeding involved

Stepson floating and enjoying upsetting you by taking opportunity to eventually tell you something others have willingly held from you for your entire relationship

Refuses to discuss this

You have other concerns you don't wish to share here

Run for the hills, you deserve better. Sunken cost fallicy etc

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:41

@AIMD
His son has always spurned me as he thinks I took his father away from him, which I didn’t. I have bent over backwards to try and love him as a son......so no, I wouldn’t get any answers from him. He enjoys having one up on me (as he sees it.)

OP posts:
AIMD · 21/03/2021 22:43

@Lancashirerose ah that’s shit.
What did your partner say when he found out you knew? He refuses to talk about it at all?

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:43

@Stichintime
I substituted place names.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 21/03/2021 22:43

Depends on whether he did something illegal or whether it was an accident.

Even if it was an accident it may still be on his conscience and I think we are all allowed our own demons and to seek help or not.

Coffeeandcocopops · 21/03/2021 22:44

I would imagine this is one of those incidences that has to be deleted from one’s memory otherwise it will ruin ones life. So I don’t blame him for not telling you. It is in the past and you would have judged. It’s not something anyone wants to talk about or remember.

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