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Original poster

Shocked after 20yrs.

169 replies

Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 20:43

Just discovered through a third party that my DP of 20yrs killed two elderly pedestrians in a road accident before we met and he never told me! He won’t talk about it or let me know the details and his family keep it quiet. I met him after he moved to Preston from Leeds. I’m wondering
a) is that what prompted the move? To get away from it?
b) how can I find out the details of the accident?
I’ve tried looking at past papers or looking it up online but so far have drawn a blank.
c) do you think he was wrong to not mention it to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:45

@AIMD
He was furious that SS had told me.

OP posts:
pog100 · 21/03/2021 22:48

@icegarden

It must have been more than 20 + years ago. How old is he now? How old is DDSon to have known about this? I once knew someone who told me about his son who had murdered his girlfriend in a rage. Did his time in jail. Then was working in a nice leafy area as a self employed gardener. I often wondered if he told people
This isn't really relevant is it. There's a world of difference between a violent crime, time served, the relationship between casual gardener and clients on one hand and at worst death by dangerous driving/DUI and the relationship between husband and wife, where seemingly the wife is the only one in the dark. I think it's best enough to lead to separation if this is the way you are being dealt with, OP
Stichintime · 21/03/2021 22:48

So did he change his name, is that why you couldn't find any articles about it? Or was he not caught? Did you never notice a feeling that there were secrets in the family, and the tension that would have risen from this?

StephenBelafonte · 21/03/2021 22:49

How old is the SS? Does he live with you?

BrilliantBetty · 21/03/2021 22:51

His son has always spurned me as he thinks I took his father away from him, which I didn’t.

Has this incident potentially got anything to do with with this?
He felt like his father closed down in some way, maybe emotionally to anything that was around at the time of the incident? So in finding you he was able to be someone else? Or something.
Who knows. But so much secrecy suggests this wasn't a completely innocent accident. If it was it wouldn't have to be hushed up to this degree.

I'd ask Step son. Maybe HE does want to talk about it.

BigFatLiar · 21/03/2021 22:54

My best friend at school became pregnant after a drunken party she had an abortion. Apart from her parents I'm the only one that knows. Her husband is very pro children (good dad & grandad etc) would he be right to leave her if he found out she'd had an abortion several years before they met?

Somethings are best left in the past.

SandyY2K · 21/03/2021 22:55

What a shock

Try a Google search. His name...the location..words like accident...died...killed..

AIMD · 21/03/2021 22:55

I can understand initially keeping it a secret. I can also understand that if you’d kept it a secret early on in the relationship it would be hard then to mention later on in the relationship.

To be “furious” that the secret is out and refuse to talk about it at all seems a bit much though. If he won’t even tell you the basics I’d be a bit concerned about why.
However over never been involved in someone’s death so maybe o can’t fully appreciate how difficult it might be to talk about.

Ginger1982 · 21/03/2021 22:56

@BigFatLiar

My best friend at school became pregnant after a drunken party she had an abortion. Apart from her parents I'm the only one that knows. Her husband is very pro children (good dad & grandad etc) would he be right to leave her if he found out she'd had an abortion several years before they met?

Somethings are best left in the past.

I don't think that's quite the same as killing two people.
Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:57

@Stichintime
No he didn’t change his name. I have felt there are secrets in the family, just a gut feeling you know? Nothing concrete.

OP posts:
icegarden · 21/03/2021 22:57

@pog100 I only use as an example of something that can be buried until for some reason it comes out. In my case the person who told me was literally the last person I'd have expected it from.
OP what's the ages? Was his DS old enough to remember it? Did his previous marriage / relationship break down etc at that time? Maybe if I'd linked. Maybe not

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 22:58

@StephenBelafonte
SS is 32. No, he doesn’t live with us anymore.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 21/03/2021 22:58

It's bad enough he kept it from you but to not answer any questions now, that would be the final straw.

StephenBelafonte · 21/03/2021 22:59

Somethings are best left in the past.

I agree. Not everything has to be shared. There has been a lot of opinions here on this thread by people who have never killed anybody so don't have a clue how it feels but feel the need to call the man dishonest and a liar. - they need to take a good long hard look at themselves, they are clueless. I've seen at first hand the effect it has on people.

OP - let him talk about it in his own time if he wants. Don't push it.

Your SS sounds very unpleasant. I assume he's an adult, do you have to see him? You know, in your house he should be a bit more respectful towards you, it's just basic manners.

Babyroobs · 21/03/2021 22:59

Road accident makes it sound like a collision rather than running two pedestrians down. It could entirely be their fault and he be blameless. An elderly driver got her brake and accelerator mixed up and ploughed straight into my dads car, fortunately not seriously injured but she could have bene killed. People can just shut off from these things and opening up about it can open up a whole can of worms. It may have been very difficult for him to have lived with it all these years.

Reinventinganna · 21/03/2021 22:59

@BigFatLiar

My best friend at school became pregnant after a drunken party she had an abortion. Apart from her parents I'm the only one that knows. Her husband is very pro children (good dad & grandad etc) would he be right to leave her if he found out she'd had an abortion several years before they met?

Somethings are best left in the past.

Not quite the same thing!
icegarden · 21/03/2021 23:00

@BigFatLiar

My best friend at school became pregnant after a drunken party she had an abortion. Apart from her parents I'm the only one that knows. Her husband is very pro children (good dad & grandad etc) would he be right to leave her if he found out she'd had an abortion several years before they met?

Somethings are best left in the past.

This happened to thousands of young women that gave up babies for adoption in the 50/60s. Buried it. Only told partners often 20/30 years later
Mamanyt · 21/03/2021 23:00

I believe in honesty in a relationship, but I also believe that you do not owe the person you are in a relationship with every detail of your life before you met.

You have been married to this man for 20 years. You know who he is. Had this been something that was going to affect his life materially, you would have been aware well before now that something was very wrong in his history.

I would imagine that he is, even today, traumatized by this. Talking about it would make it just as fresh as the day it happened. I don't much blame him for not wanting to discuss it. It may not be the healthiest response, but it is certainly a very human one.

grapewine · 21/03/2021 23:01

It was before you met and hardly something that comes up in conversation. I wouldn't have told either tbh. Must be traumatic. Why do you want him to dredge it up?

Original poster
Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 23:02

@icegarden
I don’t know if the SS was old enough to remember it as I don’t know what year it happened. Have no idea if the accident played a part in DH’s previous marriage split or not unfortunately and no-ones going to tell me.

OP posts:
icegarden · 21/03/2021 23:03

So SS was prob between 5-12 when it happened such that he remembers the impact. You came along later. There's clearly resentment there.

crestar · 21/03/2021 23:04

@billy1966

He should have told you.

I would find it unacceptable that he is refusing to tell you now.

Tjis is not details of an old relationship.

This is the death of two people, that was his fault.

I would have a huge problem with it and him.

The cheek of him.
How utterly shocking for you.

He deliberately withheld information that you deserve to know.

Flowers

Maybe.

But it's a bit unfair to say it was his fault. Talk about jump to conclusions!

And if we take the line of what many posters attitudes are on Mumsnet - it's none of your business what happened before he met you.

HelloDaisy · 21/03/2021 23:05

It may well be that he was never prosecuted or that he was found to be innocent. He could be traumatised from it all and unable to talk about it. There could be lots of reasons why he hasn’t ever told you and may be distraught that you now know and will judge him...

Or he could have been in prison for it and it was deliberate.

There is no way of knowing and for whatever reason he doesn’t want to discuss it.

I was raped when in my late teens and although dh knows it happened he doesn’t know any details or the name as there is no way I want it discussed in my present life now do I want dh to bump into the bloke knowing what he did and I wouldn’t want it dragged up now. My long term friends know who it is and how it all happened etc but I don’t see it ass keeping a secret from dh, just something he doesn’t need in his mind.

me4real · 21/03/2021 23:06

Have no idea if the accident played a part in DH’s previous marriage split or not unfortunately and no-ones going to tell me.

@Lancashirerose Could his ex-wife tell you anything?

icegarden · 21/03/2021 23:07

I know it's potentially different circumstances but I know of plenty of women that have hidden things they regret or will be judged on, from partners for years. Maybe he'll tell in his own time. Maybe he's scared right now.