Shocked after 20yrs.

[Lancashirerose]

Just discovered through a third party that my DP of 20yrs killed two elderly pedestrians in a road accident before we met and he never told me! He won’t talk about it or let me know the details and his family keep it quiet. I met him after he moved to Preston from Leeds. I’m wondering
a) is that what prompted the move? To get away from it?
b) how can I find out the details of the accident?
I’ve tried looking at past papers or looking it up online but so far have drawn a blank.
c) do you think he was wrong to not mention it to me?

There was a thought-provoking account while ago: 'I had become a killer': how I learned to live again, after running a man over

It's difficult to quote and do it justice but it's a very powerful piece.

People talk of closure. But for me, the inquest was the opposite: the feeling of something that had been gripping me tightly around the throat opening up and allowing me to breathe again. “No blame should attach to the driver” were the words I’d waited 10 months to hear.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/05/i-became-a-killer-fatal-road-accident-forgiveness

@hellodaisy, Similar here. Not all my family know. DH does but not the details. Almost non of my friends.

@Babyroobs
It wasn’t a collision between two cars. The elderly couple (I was told by SS) were pedestrians.

He should have told you, and they better tell you all the truth now before you start to have more problems in your marriage. You deserve to know the truth

[quote Lancashirerose]@Babyroobs
It wasn’t a collision between two cars. The elderly couple (I was told by SS) were pedestrians.[/quote]
How would you feel if the situation was more like this?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/apr/05/i-became-a-killer-fatal-road-accident-forgiveness

A friend of mine knocked down a guy with his car
and he died. It was a complete accident as guy was walking in dark clothes on a country road in pitch darkness. My friend did all the right things re ambulance, police etc but he was completely devastated and has never been the same since. There was an inquest where it was deemed to be an unfortunate accident.
It would have had a desperate impact on your DP.
There should be inquest statements somewhere.
This has been a big shock for you but he must have always been nervous you would find out.

I was once in a relationship with someone who had sadly whilst driving had an accident which killed his then girlfriend. He did discuss it but took a while for all the details to eventually come out - sadly he began another relationship with alcohol which overtook our relationship.
We stayed friends and he moved on eventually with a new partner. I know he didn’t tell her when I asked him why not he explained it was really hard as people always look at him differently or judge him - it maybe the paranoia. But he found it very very hard to share details.
We no longer talk but it could be that he doesn’t want the look of judgement or reminding him of the pain he caused? If that makes sense?

@Bimblybomeyelash

This happened before you met him and doesn’t have any bearing on your life. You Have no ‘right to know’. I find it out of order that you are trying to find out what happened in order to satisfy your morbid curiosity.

PP are being needlessly dramatic about this being marriage ending.

Well said!

Love your username @Bimblybomeyelash

Maybe he should have told you but he didn't. And that was his choice. But now you know he needs to answer your questions.

Sounds as though the incident occurred in the 90s so there may be nothing online.

Won’t he even confirm to you if he has a criminal record or not? That would make me suspect that he does.

Has he ever needed to get a CRB/DBS or apply for an ESTA to go to the states? I’ve know a couple of people who ‘can’t’ go to America for various made up reasons and both times he turned out that they had criminal records that would have had to be declared.

This is something big, of course it is your business, just because it happened before you met, doesn't mean you should be kept in the dark by him and his whole family. We're not talking about small skeletons in the closet, we're taking about the death of 2 people, whether he was responsible or not.

I'm sure he's traumatised, but he is your DP and you are together over 20 years. He should at some stage told you.

You can always say to him that you are there if he wants to talk..

If he has a criminal record this would have affected travel, jobs, etc has he had any issues with things like this?

All kinds of things might have happened before you met someone, but many of those would be a dealbreaker, surely ? If I found out my DH had run a brothel for instance, or seriously assaulted someone, I wouldn’t want to stay with with him. I don’t think it is “morbid curiosity” to want to know if your DH has been to prison !

The report will be there somewhere in the local papers. But you may have to try putting in a year. Maybe he was out of area when it happened. Maybe he lived somewhere else

"This happened before you met him and doesn’t have any bearing on your life"

Well that all depends on whether he has a criminal record, or whether the OP has suffered or been hindered as a result of that.

wow but what a nasty thing to do to tell you knowing that you didn't know ?!
I would try and gently encourage DH to talk about it due to the fact that others are playing games and you would prefer to know the truth from him
if all else fails their will be a coroners inquest to ascertain and record the incident so that must on record at the time ....you can check this find out dates etc in the local record office/ national archives

@EmbarrassingAdmissions
That article was very informative and has made me look at it from a different angle. Maybe should let sleeping dogs lie as they say.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here but I’m hoping to get some help and advice.

My partner and I have been together for around 14 years. We aren’t married. We have two children. 12 and 10. He is a recovering alcoholic of 4 years.

He has done so well in recovery and I could t be prouder. But the addiction to alcohol seems to have been replaced by an addiction to work and money. He started his own business when he got sober and it’s is doing really well. He works hard and I cannot fault him for how well he has done. Our home and life in general has benefitted and changed hugely since this life change with renovations, new kitchen, cars, rendering, holidays but it has been at the expense of our relationship.

We have no intimacy, no loving hugs or kisses - I mean we have a quick kiss to say goodbye in the mornings and sometimes a peck when he gets home, but I mean a full on passionate kiss. And if I try he plays silly and does something daft to pull away. We haven’t had sex or any sexual intimacy since June/July last year. I tried at Christmas but it was disastrous and he couldn’t get an erection.

I have put on weight and look very different to when we met when I was 18 but 14 years down the line surely that’s to be expected after 2 kids! But not being able to make my partner horny or want me physically is just making my self esteem even worse not that he ever says anything about my body or looks but then again by that i mean anything - positive or negative.

When he comes home I’m the one that makes the move for a kiss and a hug and ask him how his day was but he never asks me. Never shows an interest in my job or how I might be feeling at the end of a day.

We still get on well, laugh and joke and spend time together in the evenings watching tv but always at the opposite ends of the sofa.

There’s no hugging in bed or snuggled in the morning.

When we split before he got sober and he was fighting to win me back it was like we were teenagers again and he couldn’t get enough of me and I so miss that.

Where do I go from here? What’s happening to us?

To be fair as I write this - I know I should just be asking him this! But I think I fear the answers

Could you say something like "If you want to talk about it, i'm here for you" and then just leave him to tell you in his own time.

I'm not normally known for being a softie on mumsnet i'm ususally told off for being horribly blunt but I do feel so very sorry for you tonight. And for your husband too. The whole thing is just really sad. And it's sad that his 32 year old son enjoys dropping bombs like that into the lives of people who love him.

I'd be putting some distance between the SS if i were you but I hate telling you what to do about this, you'll make the best decision for you in the end.

@FailingAtLifeRightNow are you able to start a separate thread with your dilemma on it? You could copy and paste it quite easily.

@StephenBelafonte
Thank you for those words. Appreciated.

I’d be furious.

It’s not just that he has something massive in his past that he hasn’t told you, but that’s he’s encouraged multiple people to hide it from you. He’s also put you in a position where his son was able to throw something so massive in your face in such a spiteful way.

I’d struggle to get by that. Especially as he still hasn’t spoken to you about it to even confirm basic details (there’s a massive difference between and accident and a deliberate act for example. Or an accident in icy weather compared to drunk driving)

What else is he hiding and how many people all know that they weren’t to tell you?

When Hubby was younger he was in a car accident with mates and he was the only one who survived. I'm unsure if H was driving or just a passenger, alcohol was involved. What I know is very sketchy and he hasn't told any friends who knew him before I did. His Cousin might know but she hasn't felt the need to run to me to discuss it either.

I can understand your Partner being angry with his son for mentioning it to you. But he needs to deal with that.

However, I don't see that the accident has any impact on our relationship and I don't see that bringing it up would be helpful. Yes, I'm curious if he was the driver and what actually happened but it's in the past and I don't know the people or families involved.

If I were you, I would leave it alone unless he chooses to bring it up. He might be processing it now knowing Son has brought it up. Let him pick the time (if he is even going to) to mention it.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

That would be the end of the marriage for me.

Not the fact it happened, but that he's lied to you for 20+ years and even when his son has gloatingly told you, he still won't talk to you. WTAF does he expect? That'll you'll just pretend it never happened?

Fuck That Shit.

But he didn't lie.

This sounds like a horrible position to be put in. Does your husband know that you know now? Try not to panic, I imagine this was a traumatic event for your husband, and it might not be something he opens up about overnight. I think if it was me, I could forgive it as long as there was no prison time ( or depending on why he got the time I guess). If he has no record that will likely point to him not being drunk or in a complete state when it happened.

Give yourself time to breathe tonight, this is an awful lot to take in. Just take it slow and give yourself the grace to be upset about it all. I wouldn't be keen to talk to your stepson very much after this either, what a horrible thing for him to have done.

"The people were saying, no two e'er were wed
But one had a sorrow that never was said"

• She Moved Through The Fair