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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shocked after 20yrs.

169 replies

Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 20:43

Just discovered through a third party that my DP of 20yrs killed two elderly pedestrians in a road accident before we met and he never told me! He won’t talk about it or let me know the details and his family keep it quiet. I met him after he moved to Preston from Leeds. I’m wondering
a) is that what prompted the move? To get away from it?
b) how can I find out the details of the accident?
I’ve tried looking at past papers or looking it up online but so far have drawn a blank.
c) do you think he was wrong to not mention it to me?

OP posts:

Lessthanaballpark · 22/03/2021 00:02

Tell him that he tells you the details or it's a dealbreaker. It must be terribly painful for him but the truth is you're his wife and have a right to know.

mathanxiety · 22/03/2021 00:06

You can look it all up in old newspapers, even ask for help finding the incident in archived reports.

I think he should have told you. The circumstances around it might have influenced your decision to get together

Your P needs to address the disrespectful, awful behaviour of his son toward you too.

TableFlowerss · 22/03/2021 00:10

I would feel like I didn’t know him. It was obviously an accident or he’d have been in prison for years.

I can understand it wouldn’t be a comfortable conversation to bring up of course and I can almost forgive him not telling you as he didn’t want to open an old wound.

I find it very difficult to understand how after 20 years he wont discus it at all. You’re not going to want to know the ins and outs of every detail but a be a general understanding of what happened.

It’s like you don’t fully know him.... and I think he’s being unreasonable by flat out refusing to let you in

firedog · 22/03/2021 00:18

I'd assume it's something that haunts him & he's scared & worried about loosing OP. The feeling of deceit will be awful but reality is that a large % of adults over 40/50 will have things that they deeply regret, want to forget etc. It was over 20 years ago. Maybe as much as 25 years ago.
In my case that's a different lifetime. So much has happened to my family in that time.

me4real · 22/03/2021 00:20

My Auntie was run over and it wasn't the bloke's fault, they decided. She was very small and she came out from between two cars or something.

But I'dve thought it'd be quite hard to accidentally kill 2 pedestrians in a no-fault way.

Eviethyme · 22/03/2021 00:30

Haha all these people acting as if they wouldn't be mad to find out there DH had lied for 20 years and not told them he had lied 2 people. Yeah okay then

Blondiney · 22/03/2021 00:30

@billy1966

Irrespective of whether he was at fault, it is a terrible thing to withhold.

Yes, think I'd have more trouble getting over the witholding of the information rather than the incident itself.

Sakurami · 22/03/2021 00:44

Someone I know killed a child and was traumatised about it for years. It wasn't his fault, the child ran out onto the road and even the child's mother who witnessed it said he couldn't have avoided it. But he had nightmares, couldn't sleep and really affected him.

It may have been his fault because he was distracted or something or it may have been an accident. But maybe he just wanted a clean slate with you and for you not to look at him or think of him in that way.

Desnol · 22/03/2021 00:51

You wouldn't still be with him after 20 years if he wasn't a good man. The chances are that he was very traumatised by the event. So - stand by him.

1forAll74 · 22/03/2021 00:58

Some people don't like to talk about,or even mention,something terrible that happened in their life,from years ago.. It isn't compulsory for them to tell anyone,if they are that way inclined, He has probably dealt with all the issues of what happened years ago, and has closed the book now.

Pinksatin · 22/03/2021 01:08

I think how it happened is the main thing. It probably does traumatise him but you don’t know that for sure. I wouldn’t be happy if I found out. Does he get on with his ex wife? Perhaps you could ask her

JustLyra · 22/03/2021 01:28

I don’t believe for a second so many people on here upon finding out their DH of 20 years was involved in the death of two people that he’d hidden would be supportive and accept his right to a secret.

What if he was completely to blame? What if it was deliberate?

The op doesn’t even know if he was in prison or not (or young offenders as she doesn’t know when it was).

Where does “he’s entitled to a secret - it’s the past and he’s a good man now” end? Manslaughter? Assault? Sexual assault? Fraud?

Allowing a secret like that to be thrown in your spouse’s face is unforgivable. Even if the events weren’t his fault (and you’d have to ask the question - if he was blameless why would he be so defensive now?)

Maze76 · 22/03/2021 02:00

@JustLyra

What if he was completely to blame? What if it was deliberate?

The op doesn’t even know if he was in prison or not (or young offenders as she doesn’t know when it was).

Where does “he’s entitled to a secret - it’s the past and he’s a good man now” end? Manslaughter? Assault? Sexual assault? Fraud?

Completely agree

Dasher789 · 22/03/2021 02:07

Its a tough one. I see both sides. Personally I'd struggle to let it go. Someone needs to tell you what happened. If he can't then a family member

Mumofstanley · 22/03/2021 02:58

that is such a huge life event that he's kept from you. I would feel like i'd been deceived.
if you really want to know more details tell the son that you don't believe him. he'll soon tell you eveything.

starrynight21 · 22/03/2021 03:07

It would be a deal breaker for me, especially since it seems that everybody in the family has known about it for over 20 years ...except for OP. The fact that his son told you and then your DH wouldn't discuss it, would be enough for me to pack up and go.

AnyOldPrion · 22/03/2021 05:07

Pretty sure the man in the article would talk about it if asked directly by someone to whom it might matter. I understand never mentioning it, but now you know it’s a different situation. If he was blameless, he could tell you so in a very few words and it would be past. You wouldn’t need to discuss it again.

The refusal to tell would worry me and you’ve indicated that there are other things in your relationship that might have a bearing on this. If you are already feeling a bit ambivalent about him, then him refusing to talk might be a deal breaker. If it’s something awful and he tells you, then you have the opportunity to decide if it’s something you can forgive. If not, then you’ll be living with the fact that he has done something he thinks you might not forgive... and that implies a lack of trust which isn’t healthy.

What a horrible situation OP. I think I’d have to ask again, and explain that not knowing isn’t going to work, but obviously that path would mean I’d have to face leaving if he continued to refuse. You have to decide whether not knowing is something you can live with or not. If you can’t and you do nothing, then it is going to eat at your relationship until the trust is gone and after that it will be impossible to mend, even if whatever he did might have been something you could have worked through.

HeartsAndClubs · 22/03/2021 05:24

It’s possible to be shocked and disappointed about not having been told about the event while at the same time having an understanding of why the person didn’t tell.

if he went to prison or was prosecuted then it would have been in the papers. In fact even pedestrians being killed like that would likely have been in the papers.

People say it would have affected his job prospects and insurance etc are being melodramatic. If he didn’t commit manslaughter then of course it won’t have any Bering on these things.

I would go and find out the details personally before making any life changing decisions about the relationship. You can only really judge once you know the actual circumstances, and the reactions on here are a pretty good indication as to why some might choose not to divulge that kind of information about their past.

1AngelicFruitCake · 22/03/2021 06:04

I know someone who was a driver in a car accident where another person died. It was investigated by the police and it wasn’t their fault but I’m not sure how many people know. I think they’ve blocked it out and it’s a part of their life they don’t want to remember.

Dery · 22/03/2021 06:07

“That article was very informative and has made me look at it from a different angle. Maybe should let sleeping dogs lie as they say.”

Most people will never cause or be implicated in someone else’s death, no matter how innocently. Until you’ve had that experience, because it’s such an extreme experience,you don’t really know how you would feel in that person’s shoes. I haven’t accidentally killed someone directly but was in a situation where a close colleague died in circumstances I felt I should have prevented. I was young then and looking back now I know that it was in no way my fault but it was a completely devastating experience. Very few people who weren’t around at the time know about it.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 22/03/2021 06:19

Of course he had every right not to tell you! Bloody hell! Stop making what must be the most unbearable trauma for him, all about you! Shocked by these responses. Wondering if I need to go through the hideously painful process of diving into my past and presenting my DH with every trauma I've ever suggered and tried to move on from and therefore not shared with him. Have some compassion. If this were a man saying he'd discovered his wife had been raped and hadn't told him, would you be saying the same things?!

AmyLou100 · 22/03/2021 06:44

This might sound extreme but it would be a massive betrayal to me. That isn't some silly, insignificant thing that you can put down to him having a past. It's huge. It's two people's lives. How have they all kept it such a secret. Sounds like the entire family is very deceitful.
It would make me wonder if I even know who I married.

Notmoresugar · 22/03/2021 07:41

It is lying by omission.

I understand about letting sleeping dogs lie, but this is far too serious to keep hidden from a partner of 20 years.

What is worse is that now you KNOW and he's still not man enough to tell you.

This will be a huge elephant in the room forever more.

How on earth are you supposed to stop thinking about it/ignore it!!??

Personally I couldn't live with it - as he has no regard or respect for your feelings regarding such a massive issue.

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 08:12

I asked OH how he felt about this last night (the things you talk about during lockdown just for conversation).

His view, if it bothers you push for disclosure as its a big thing for you however if it bothers him be prepared for him to end the relationship. Many posters see him having little respect for you by not telling, he may see you as disregarding his feelings on something he finds difficult to handle.

Kelly345 · 22/03/2021 08:25

I can understand some tragic accident as a youth that ruined his life and he may have locked it away and been terrified of you finding out in case you left him, what I don't understand is why now the secret us out he refuses to speak to you about it. The fact his own son knows about it and used it as a weapon, but you are not allowed to know about it would probably end the relationship for me. Clearly a selective group are allowed to know his secrets and you're not one of them. That would be more of a problem for me.

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