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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shocked after 20yrs.

169 replies

Lancashirerose · 21/03/2021 20:43

Just discovered through a third party that my DP of 20yrs killed two elderly pedestrians in a road accident before we met and he never told me! He won’t talk about it or let me know the details and his family keep it quiet. I met him after he moved to Preston from Leeds. I’m wondering
a) is that what prompted the move? To get away from it?
b) how can I find out the details of the accident?
I’ve tried looking at past papers or looking it up online but so far have drawn a blank.
c) do you think he was wrong to not mention it to me?

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 13:10

For your own well being best you find out. He may be a madman or just someone who's had a bad accident.

Your SS may well have driven a wedge between you and DH.

Even if he wasn't to blame its not uncommon to continue to feel guilt and shame (perhaps a form of survivor guilt). Pulling it to the surface now may well resurrect that and bring new problems for him. He may need time to get over it again.

BigFatLiar · 22/03/2021 13:21

IMO it is in no way WHATSOEVER comparable to an abortion.

What a women chooses to do with HER body is NO ONE'S business except hers.

Its not about whether or not it was her right to have an abortion its about keeping secrets. She knows her husband doesn't approve of abortion other than in set circumstances (neither does she really). But she was 18 and persuaded by her mum that it was best for her (may well have been) but even now it is on her mind (pre lockdown a few wines and she was wondering if it would have been a boy or girl). What would he do if he found out now? Don't know. Be upset probably, Supportive? again probably. Had she told him early in their relationship he'd probably have ended it, doubt he would now.

Abortion was her choice but he's entitled to his view (even if you don't agree). Just as well he doesn't know and I for one am not telling him.

callmeadoctor · 22/03/2021 13:36

Ive just had a quick google, even without knowing the year or area, there are ways to access road accidents in uk. Clearly if there were two people killed then that is a rarer occurrence so more easily traceable. (I imagine a Private investigator would find it easily.)

thosetalesofunexpected · 22/03/2021 14:47

His guilty Secret was bound to haunt him(quite rightly bloody So to) and Bite him on his Arse !

Only got himself to blame !
Its his own fault !

thosetalesofunexpected · 22/03/2021 14:50

How old is your step son then?

He sounds like a right shit !
Stirring up trouble like that too to be honest !

What a Prick !

PaterPower · 22/03/2021 15:45

Are people not allowed their privacy? To keep painful things to themselves?

Must he talk about something which happened before he and the OP met? Something that had nothing to do with her and hasn’t, it appears, impacted on the marriage (until now)?

As it’s extremely unlikely that he set out to deliberately run the two women down (or presumably he’d have been charged with something), it was the result of an accident.

Crystalvas · 22/03/2021 15:56

OP relationships are based on honesty if ur OH won’t even tell you the details of something as significant as that then im afraid hes no respect for you. Do not brush it under the carpet cos it will continue to bother you. If he refuses to discuss it with you them im afraid your relationship with him is doomed

HealingMum · 22/03/2021 16:19

I can't believe so many people think it's ok that he kept it from her for the duration of their relationship, especially when LTB is regularly trotted out for much less significant things on here every day.

I'm not saying you should leave him by the way OP.

MadeForThis · 22/03/2021 16:19

How has he reacted to dss?

I would be very uncomfortable that he didn't trust me enough to give me the basic details.

I don't think it would change my opinion of him if he had been a great DH. His family have obviously stood by him.

HealingMum · 22/03/2021 16:20

As it’s extremely unlikely that he set out to deliberately run the two women down (or presumably he’d have been charged with something), it was the result of an accident.

How do you know he hasn't been charged with something?

NerrSnerr · 22/03/2021 16:21

@PaterPower that's the whole point- the OP doesn't know if he was charged.

BrookePalomoV · 22/03/2021 16:23

He should have told you but he should most definitely tell you now you know. Google his full name and incident because it will have made the papers.

Kelly345 · 22/03/2021 16:44

@Lancashirerose

In answer to your 1st question - I don’t know because he won’t discuss it with me. Q2 - SS has always seen me as taking his Dad away from him but that’s not the case. I’ve tried to take a back seat re his relationship with his father. Q3 - My intention is just to find out the details as I’m not sure why it would be hushed up by everyone. My DH is just that - a DH the majority of the time so I can’t see me leaving him. The good things in our relationship outweigh the bad.

Great. Except that he's no longer the person you thought you knew. Good luck living with that.

MarshmallowAra · 22/03/2021 17:12

@BrookePalomoV

He should have told you but he should most definitely tell you now you know. Google his full name and incident because it will have made the papers.

If it's old enough, it won't be online.

That's why I suggested library archives of papers the area.

RantyAnty · 22/03/2021 17:21

Are there any relatives of his who will tell you? I'd try that first even if you find them difficult.

He may not have told you because it would be so traumatic and triggering it could cause a mental break down.

Blocking things are a way to cope with trauma.
Some people don't find ways to cope and end up suicide.

I'd try the relatives or others who would know first.
Or hire a detective or researcher to find out.

Once you have the information you can decide how you feel about it.

me4real · 22/03/2021 17:50

You wouldn't still be with him after 20 years if he wasn't a good man

@Desnol People stay with all sorts of people for a long time. It's also possible to not know/realize the reality of what someone's like.

AnaofBroceliande · 22/03/2021 17:59

What a shock! Take some time out to process it all. I agree with billy. It's the omitting it would nettle me.

steppemum · 22/03/2021 18:50

I am always surprised by the answers on threads like these. I cannot imagine that anyone would not want to know, and would just go - Ph it was before we met, so none of my business.
I think it all comes down to your expectation of relationships.
It isn't about 'privacy' etc, it is about being yourself with your partner.

dh and I have been together 22 years. Over that time we have had a straight forward, open and honest relationship. I know about his teenage crushes and he knows about mine etc.

If you have, or thought you had, that type of relationship, then it is a real shock to discover something this big has been kept from you. It would make me question if I really knew the person at all.

Of course I would want to know about the incident.
Tragic accident, or his fault, and it caused him to change behaviour/ life etc, either way, I would want to know.

TurquoiseDragon · 22/03/2021 19:08

@Desnol

You wouldn't still be with him after 20 years if he wasn't a good man. The chances are that he was very traumatised by the event. So - stand by him.

This is rubbish. It took me 30 years to leave an abusive ex, a long relationship has no bearing on whether annyone is good or not.

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