Shocked after 20yrs.

[Lancashirerose]

Just discovered through a third party that my DP of 20yrs killed two elderly pedestrians in a road accident before we met and he never told me! He won’t talk about it or let me know the details and his family keep it quiet. I met him after he moved to Preston from Leeds. I’m wondering
a) is that what prompted the move? To get away from it?
b) how can I find out the details of the accident?
I’ve tried looking at past papers or looking it up online but so far have drawn a blank.
c) do you think he was wrong to not mention it to me?

@Bimblybomeyelash

This happened before you met him and doesn’t have any bearing on your life. You Have no ‘right to know’. I find it out of order that you are trying to find out what happened in order to satisfy your morbid curiosity.

PP are being needlessly dramatic about this being marriage ending.

@Goldieloxx @Chloemol. Would you say the same thing if he had committed a past crime? Like armed robbery or child abuse? The point is, the OP doesn't know the circumstances. Maybe it was a crime. Maybe it was a drink and drug induced accident. Maybe it was road rage. Who knows. The OP certainly doesn't because he won't talk about it and neither it appears will anyone else. It is completely reasonable that the OP would want to know details.

Libraries (when they reopen) often.keep newspaper archives.

You could see if it's covered in any local/regional newspapers if you know the year.

Imo it's something you should tell a serious partner, regardless of the circumstances.

You may have to go to town libraries there - because it's unlikely to be digital, probably microfiche etc.

In any case, you have a partner who on top refuses to communicate at all with you about something major that happened in his life, in top of lying by omission about it for twenty years (and encouraging this family to too), and an antagonistic step son.

Doesn't sound like a great relationship situation in general ... Do you have kids with this man?

"You can look it all up in old newspapers, even ask for help finding the incident in archived reports."

Well that could be like finding a needle in a haystack since she doesn't know when or where it happened, any of the circumstances and the internet wasn't a "thing".

I agree with AmyLou100 and Notmoresugar it's not just the 2 people, it's their families too, so a lot of people have had their lives turned upside down by the death of their loved ones.

To me, this is a huge betrayal and shows he doesn't think too much of you...sorry to be so blunt as I'm sure you are hurting big time right now and I can't begin to think how I would feel in your situation but I do know I couldn't stay in the relationship. Not because of the accident (or whatever it was deemed to be)...but because of the deceit and lack of trust towards you.

Sure, he has a right to privacy, but he's your partner and you've been together 20 years, other people know the truth of what happened, but they have chosen to keep 'you' in the dark...why? This is not running over a neighbour's cat that he's kept quiet about, this is truly serious and the whole family (or at least those who know) must have put their heads together and planned not to spill the beans...they are making you the laughing stock.

Lancashirerose I truly hope you are OK and have someone outside this family to confide in? Can you stay with someone for however long it takes to get your head sorted? Sheesh, nobody could blame you for wanting that.

As for finding the details, if internet searches are not uncovering anything for you, maybe a private researcher could help...even someone into family history as they know lots of places to find historical information and it gives you breathing space while that is being done.

Please continue to post here so we know you are OK? Thinking of you

@billy1966

He should have told you.

I would find it unacceptable that he is refusing to tell you now.

Tjis is not details of an old relationship.

This is the death of two people, that was his fault.

I would have a huge problem with it and him.

The cheek of him.
How utterly shocking for you.

He deliberately withheld information that you deserve to know.

Luckily he's not married to you! How do you know he is responsible for this? What if say the couple deliberately crashed into him or what if they wanted to die and walked out in front of him.? Are train drivers responsible for killing someone who throws themselves in front of the train?

Obviously these are extreme cases but accidents are usually on a scale for who is responsible and sometimes the driver is not responsible for a death, it will depend on the specifics of the accident . Even if you aren't 'responsible ' however, I imagine most normal.people who were in an accident where some one died might feel responsible and would prefer not to have to constantly relive or think about it

Sorry OP - that must have been quite a shock.

I can understand you would have much preferred he tell youI, and IMO he would have done if he’d fully come to terms with it. However, all marriages have their closed areas, and he may simply find it very difficult to talk about and to have closed that chapter as a way of dealing with it. So I don’t think you have a ‘right’ to know.

You are perfectly within your rights to try and find out what happened now you do know - the desire to find out the level of fault and if he has a criminal record outweighs your DPs right to privacy as it could impact on your life. However, you’ve been with him for twenty years, so presumably you have no intention of ending the relationship - that being the case it may be most sensible for you to let it rest.

However, you’ve been with him for twenty years, so presumably you have no intention of ending the relationship - that being the case it may be most sensible for you to let it rest.

OP may not have any intention of ending the relationship but he may feel so bad about he may end it.

I mentioned earlier about my friend who'd had the abortion, not the same. However I think that had she told them early in their relationship he'd have ended it. Would he leave her now 30 years on over it, don't know, probably best a secret that goes to the grave.

This might sound extreme but it would be a massive betrayal to me. That isn't some silly, insignificant thing that you can put down to him having a past. It's huge. It's two people's lives. How have they all kept it such a secret. Sounds like the entire family is very deceitful.
It would make me wonder if I even know who I married

Yes me too. It's such a huge thing to have kept from you. You deserved to know who you were marrying / sharing your life with, all those years ago. I would feel really uncomfortable now knowing that the rest of the family had all known and not said. It is deceitful of him and them all. I couldn't be on good terms after this. Not without full explanations.

Yes

@DavidsSchitt

"You can look it all up in old newspapers, even ask for help finding the incident in archived reports."

Well that could be like finding a needle in a haystack since she doesn't know when or where it happened, any of the circumstances and the internet wasn't a "thing".

She knows he lived in Leeds (?)

And she has an idea of when it happened, as I understand it.

any of the circumstances and the internet wasn't a "thing".

She knows two elderly people wee killed in a crash.

It's newspapers ... Newspapers; the internet doesn't need to have been a thing. That's why I suggested it.

Are you being purposefully obtuse?

(and she has his name etc.)

A private researcher, as someone else suggested, as an other possibility.

I wonder what other major secrets he is hiding then?

He killed two elderly people crossing the road

This guy you with should have spent time in the Jail for what he did years ago !

Hope he did !

As these elderly people he killed could have been much Loved Grandparents and well respected members of the community !

Your Partner sounds like a Real Arsehole !

I hope everybody in his local Community finds out !

I hate hit and run drivers !

Or anybody who kills innocent people crossing the road like that !

What next is he going to hit then !

A child

@thosetalesofunexpected

I wonder what other major secrets he is hiding then?

He killed two elderly people crossing the road

This guy you with should have spent time in the Jail for what he did years ago !

Hope he did !

As these elderly people he killed could have been much Loved Grandparents and well respected members of the community !

Your Partner sounds like a Real Arsehole !

I hope everybody in his local Community finds out !

I hate hit and run drivers !

Or anybody who kills innocent people crossing the road like that !

What next is he going to hit then !

A child

Jesus, let your assumptions run away with you why don't you! No evidence it was his fault, no evidence AT ALL it was hit and run, no evidence he hasn't been tried and found entirely innocent. But this is why he needs to tell OP - fantasies abound without the truth to put them in their place.

And this is why people don’t tell.

I’m sure that if he’d told the OP or anyone else then people would have judged regardless of whether it was an accident, such as the poster two above mine who has already decided that he’s guilty and hoping he spent time in jail.

Fact here is that being present at the death of someone is an incredibly emotive topic, and is one where some people will alwayS judge.

If he had a criminal record and spent time in prison then that would be one thing.

But if it was an accident, and tbh the fact that there is so little information out there suggests that it was, then it’s none of the OP or anyone else’s business.

Well it's a huge thing and if it were my DP I would want to know about it, much sooner than 20 odd years after the fact.

The OP said, a few posts in, that her DP has given her some cause for concern over the years but doesn't want to go into details. That being said, I don't see how so many here have concluded that it absolutely must have been an accident and the OP has no right to know.

He could have served a prison sentence for all she knows. How can she feel completely safe with him now unless he opens up?

There are things in my past I would've felt better not disclosing to my DP such as trauma and terrible decisions, but he deserved to know who he was having a child with / committing to, faults and all.

OP, I would sit him down and say that you appreciate its difficult to talk about but you do need to know the circumstances. God knows how you must feel right now.

i can understand the reasoning behind why DH never brought it up and it is that age old argument that what you don't know doesn't hurt as well as being easier for DH if he cannot bring himself to speak about it. i don't think it is fair to be angry at DH for not sharing as PP have explained.

that is all fine so long as OP is not aware of what happened.

this issue is that OP is now aware.

in the same way DH has his way of dealing with his past, OP must be given the chance to process and decide how to deal with it too. knowing half a story will pray on your thoughts.

Your partner must have known and feared that this day would come. The son knew, it was highly likely that you would find out eventually.

The family may have made a pact to never speak of it again. But the fact is that you know now and without the surrounding detail are left potentially questioning everything about life as you currently know it.

I’m so sorry OP, this must be really hard for you. I hope he will talk or a member of his family will eventually contact you to fill you in.

Absolutely huge betrayal. I could never trust him again. What else has he been keeping from you? That is such a significant, life-changing event. You as his wife now that you know, are absolutely within your rights to find out what happened.

@thosetalesofunexpected

I wonder what other major secrets he is hiding then?

He killed two elderly people crossing the road

This guy you with should have spent time in the Jail for what he did years ago !

Hope he did !

As these elderly people he killed could have been much Loved Grandparents and well respected members of the community !

Your Partner sounds like a Real Arsehole !

I hope everybody in his local Community finds out !

I hate hit and run drivers !

Or anybody who kills innocent people crossing the road like that !

What next is he going to hit then !

A child

Careful you may be outing yourself. I can't see anywhere that it was hit & run yet you seem to have the details so obviously know OP or her family.

I found out from DSSon who let it slip, was annoyed at me as always and enjoyed the look on my face when he told me.
His son has always spurned me as he thinks I took his father away from him, which I didn’t.

Well at least DSSon has had a good day as it certainly seems to have driven a wedge between you.

@JustLyra

I don’t believe for a second so many people on here upon finding out their DH of 20 years was involved in the death of two people that he’d hidden would be supportive and accept his right to a secret.

What if he was completely to blame? What if it was deliberate?

The op doesn’t even know if he was in prison or not (or young offenders as she doesn’t know when it was).

Where does “he’s entitled to a secret - it’s the past and he’s a good man now” end? Manslaughter? Assault? Sexual assault? Fraud?

Allowing a secret like that to be thrown in your spouse’s face is unforgivable. Even if the events weren’t his fault (and you’d have to ask the question - if he was blameless why would he be so defensive now?)

Completely agree.

Two pedestrians killed without any responsibility...very unlikely.

And if he was completely innocent, far more likely that you may have been told.

All those around you knowing but you being kept in the dark.

It's telling that your step son used it to sneer at you.

Completely unacceptable to have withheld the death of two people from you.

IMO it is in no way WHATSOEVER comparable to an abortion.

What a women chooses to do with HER body is NO ONE'S business except hers.

Killing two pedestrians = an abortion.

Eh NO.

You have been kept in the dark deliberately.
Unforgivable.

He's refusing to tell you.
The unbelievable arrogance of him.

Interesting to look at the actions of different people involved in this through the lens of ‘intention’.

What was your husbands intention in not telling you about something significant before you became a couple?

What was your SS intention when he told you about it?

What is your intention now and how will that inform how you respond to all of this?

In answer to your 1st question - I don’t know because he won’t discuss it with me.
Q2 - SS has always seen me as taking his Dad away from him but that’s not the case. I’ve tried to take a back seat re his relationship with his father.
Q3 - My intention is just to find out the details as I’m not sure why it would be hushed up by everyone. My DH is just that - a DH the majority of the time so I can’t see me leaving him. The good things in our relationship outweigh the bad.