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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Damn Mother in Law 🤬

158 replies

Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 15:48

Long story so buckle up.

I’ve been with my partner 10 years, married for nearly 1 year with an 8 year old daughter. My MIL has been a constant source of pain and suffering since the day I met her. Everything from writing me a letter asking me to have an abortion at 4 months pregnant because she felt we were too young to providing a list of criticism from our wedding (that she threatened not to attend on many occasions).

The wedding feedback was the final straw for me. Imagine pouring your heart and soul into planning something for over a year spending every penny you have, contending with covid and many restrictions to finally getting married (and feeling incredibly grateful as many haven’t been able to yet) just to have it trashed by your MIL and her inability to think before she speaks. So that’s it for me, it’s better for my own mental health that I take a step back from seeing her. I wouldn’t dream of stopping my husband from having a relationship with her. He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.

But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed) is it acceptable that I get left with all the chores because he gets summonsed to visit her? And it’s not just Sunday’s. It’s an evening in the week plus many phone calls in the evenings. When do I take priority as his wife? We both work full time but it seems like I get lumbered with everything as soon as MIL clicks her fingers. I’ve really had enough. She brings nothing but pain and his inability to stand up to her or defend us is really dragging me down.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 21/03/2021 15:50

Make sure you have as much time off from family life as he has. And leave him with a lost of chores that need doing while you’re out.
If you LTB she will get what she wants, her son back.

Original poster
Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 15:54

Grin had to google what LTB meant. Love it. Thank you!

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 21/03/2021 15:55

She sounds awful but are you standing up to your husband? Why isn't he doing all this before he goes out. Also, as soon as lock down ends start planning some free time for yourself.

PenisBeakerIsMyFavouriteMuppet · 21/03/2021 15:57

Your thread title should be “damn Husband”. He’s the one leaving you on your own every Sunday.

4Mongrels · 21/03/2021 15:59

Your husband is the problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/03/2021 15:59

Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.

This situation is shit, but you've know this for a decade and have tolerated it all along. Him changing now is looking bleak, so other than a rock solid ultimatum, that you would have to stick to, I don't see any chance of improvement here. I, for one, would not live like this with my husband always putting his horrible mother first.

PegasusReturns · 21/03/2021 15:59

You do have a mil problem.

But you have a bigger DH problem.

He needs to pull his weight at home and if she is too demanding then he needs to stand up to her.

Original poster
Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 16:00

In one conversation he seems to understand how I feel and totally respects me not wanting to see her for a while but then in the next he says I’m overreacting and life would be easier if I just let it go. I offered to go over and have it out with her calmly over a cup of tea because I’ve never been allowed a voice and I just don’t think I’m going to get over this one until she knows how I feel and has apologised but he says that’ll do more damage than good.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/03/2021 16:01

I guess it’s not strange to have a regular time when he visits his mother.
Why can’t you just make sure you have ‘your’ time too. And have him take Sat evening routine - bath, etc - so you have an evening of rest?
And split chores on the other days?

Divorcing over something like that seems strange to me. It’s like you are playing some sort of a game of tug over him.
You don’t really need to ‘win’. You don’t have to have him put his mother down for you to feel like you are the priority.
It is possible to be a good son and a good H.

Orchidflower1 · 21/03/2021 16:02

I think you need serious conversation with your dh. Is his mum a widow/ disabled/ unwell? Is there a reason other than to control everything that she’s asking him round?

If there isn’t then maybe he needs to preempt these distress calls by popping over for an hour first thing on a week morning then he has to go to work and can’t stop. Or have a scheduled visit in a Saturday once a fortnight.

This would p!ss me off no end.

HolyShitBatman · 21/03/2021 16:04

Why can’t he visit his mum? He doesn’t stop being her son just because he got married.
I understand that family life is busy and you need help at home, but you need to have that out with him instead of taking it out on her.
I have sons and I’d be devastated if they refused to see me just because their partner had her knickers in a twist.

Joeblack066 · 21/03/2021 16:04

I’m a MIL to 2 DILs.
I would never, ever behave this way.
Your husband needs to sort himself and his MIL out.

Original poster
Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 16:04

She’s late 50’s with a husband of 30 years, works full time and has a daughter! There is no reason other than control.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/03/2021 16:05

Just to add - of course you don’t have to socialise with her more than you feel you want to. She isn’t your mother after all.
But I also do think it’s not productive to ‘have it out with her’ and to expect an apology.

Can’t you just live your life and focus on your family. And as long as your H is doing his fair share of household duties - let him visit his mother. It’s not irregular to visit once a week. Especially if she is on her own.

One day when your kids are grown - and if you are on your own - how would it seem to you if their partner minded them coming around?

picklemewalnuts · 21/03/2021 16:06

Don't bother having it out with her, that's pointless.

Do you have a family to visit? Set aside a similar amount of time for friends/family.
Remind him you won't be doing all the school sorting on Sunday afternoons, so when shall WE do it? It tends to take x minutes, but with two of us it should be quicker.

Cattitudes · 21/03/2021 16:06

It sounds as if MIL is convenient reason to get out of chores. Say that you need him to do more, divide the tasks up. Obviously bath and bed can't be shifted so he needs to take charge of some of the other tasks. Or maybe sometimes he takes 8yr old so you can do some tasks at leisure.

DinosaurDiana · 21/03/2021 16:06

I doubt you’re going to reduce his visits, and they will probably become more frequent if she ages and becomes dependent.
So I suggest that you agree on which half of the chores he will do, then put your feet up and enjoy some time for you and your DD.

Original poster
Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 16:07

Re read the post. At no point did I suggest he didn’t have a relationship with his mother. Being a mother of a male doesn’t give you the right to be horrible to them and their partners or demand visitation. Surely you’d want a healthy relationship not a forced one?

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 21/03/2021 16:09

He sees his mom a couple of times a week, you want to stop that...why

TinCanCollector · 21/03/2021 16:10

If you put up with it for 9 years and then you went and married him, you went into it with your eyes wide open.

Next weekend, on Saturday morning, ask him how he’s like to split the chores. Leave the uniform or the lunchboxes for him to do when he gets home on Sunday, no matter how late.

If he doesn’t do what’s been left for him, then you really have got a DH problem.

Nightbear · 21/03/2021 16:10

I think you need to separate the chores from the MIL situation. If you both work full time and he’s going over to see her every Sunday then he needs to do his share of chores at another time. It’s not ok for him to do nothing and leave it all for you - he knows he’ll be seeing her, he knows that he hasn’t done any chores and he knows that the stuff has to be done by Sunday night.

HolyShitBatman · 21/03/2021 16:11

What’s the issue here then? That he sees his mum or that he doesn’t do the chores?

Original poster
Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 16:11

Again I never suggested stopping it. He should absolutely visit her but is it ok that she clicks her fingers and off he goes regardless of what our family had planned or needed to do? Is it ok that he’s a son first and foremost and a husband and father second?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2021 16:14

"I wouldn’t dream of stopping my husband from having a relationship with her. He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family".

And that is how he has been profoundly affected by his toxic mother; he has grown up with her and has become conditioned into regarding this from her as his "norm". His own inertia when it comes to his mother though simply hurts him as well as you. He has and remains very much harmed by her. It is likely he would much rather see you upset than she because she really has led him to believe that the sky will fall in if she gets "upset". The normal rules of familial interactions too go out of the window when it comes to dysfunctional families and your DP completely lucked out when it came to his mother. Its not his fault she is like this and he did not make her that way. This is not an excuse or justification for him behaving as he is now; its why he is acting as he does.

Does he himself think the current level of contact she has with him is excessive?. I would be asking him directly where his boundaries are at with regards to his mother; he seems to not have many when it comes to her. You do not mention FIL here; where is he?.

All you can do for your own self is to keep both you and your DD well away from her. He does not take her along to see toxic granny because she will drip crap in her ear re you in your H's hearing whilst he sits there both obligingly and obedient. He may well want to continue to have a "relationship" with her out of his inertia along with fear, obligation and guilt but that does not mean that you have to.

DinosaurDiana · 21/03/2021 16:14

My DH used to go off and do extra work when we had family stuff arranged.
It’s one of the things that lead to a feeling of resentment from me, and our marriage has never recovered from it.