Damn Mother in Law 🤬

[Hadenough2021]

Long story so buckle up.

I’ve been with my partner 10 years, married for nearly 1 year with an 8 year old daughter. My MIL has been a constant source of pain and suffering since the day I met her. Everything from writing me a letter asking me to have an abortion at 4 months pregnant because she felt we were too young to providing a list of criticism from our wedding (that she threatened not to attend on many occasions).

The wedding feedback was the final straw for me. Imagine pouring your heart and soul into planning something for over a year spending every penny you have, contending with covid and many restrictions to finally getting married (and feeling incredibly grateful as many haven’t been able to yet) just to have it trashed by your MIL and her inability to think before she speaks. So that’s it for me, it’s better for my own mental health that I take a step back from seeing her. I wouldn’t dream of stopping my husband from having a relationship with her. He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.

But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed) is it acceptable that I get left with all the chores because he gets summonsed to visit her? And it’s not just Sunday’s. It’s an evening in the week plus many phone calls in the evenings. When do I take priority as his wife? We both work full time but it seems like I get lumbered with everything as soon as MIL clicks her fingers. I’ve really had enough. She brings nothing but pain and his inability to stand up to her or defend us is really dragging me down.

Rather than bottling this up, decide between you when it would be more convenient for him to visit. Or if he wants to stick to Sunday, get him to help do the sunday evening chores at different times. Uniforms can be ironed earlier in the day; he can get up earlier on Monday and bathe the kids before school (we've always done our son's baths in the morning on school days) or failing that he could make the lunches on Monday morning.

OP - I have been there too. Married to a weak man who would not stand up to his mother. Needless to say we are no longer married - although we remain good friends.

I see your only route as to step back and have DH step back as well.

"My question was am I supposed to just accept that this is life now or do I have a right to be pissed?"

Of course you have a right to be annoyed, with him.

I'm not calling you pathetic, I'm calling him pathetic. You stand up to him and say no, he doesn't get to leave you to do all of the housework. Divide it up.

Hiring a cleaner before getting him to pull his weight says it all. Sounds like he can do no wrong in your eyes.

You're on your way out of the door as a family to go for a walk and he fucks off to his parents because he got a call saying "it'd be great to see you" and that's the MILs fault? Nah. You pull him up on that.

I understand you totally OP and I would have to sort it.For anyone else be under no illusions how special sunday nights are for family time,They are for me too Op.Sundays are our days no one interferes on a sunday,They can have us monday to saturday for anything but not on a sunday,I want our family lunch a lazy afternoon a mad half hour getting organized for the week ahead then a quiet chill out time with my dh before bed, I disagree with other posters about how you handle this,I would be ringing the old cow and demanding to know what the hell was wrong,get it all out in the open and cause a bit of a do,Then I would decide whether I wanted any sort of relationship with her and if I didnt then that would be that,done,I would also suggest you telling your dh that his family ie you and your daughter need him too and if his mother is so bloody important then he can sod off back to being single and go back to her.I swear I would,There is no reason he cannot still see her I agree but surely he could pop in once or twice during the week for a cuppa on his way home from work or even stay to have dinner but thats it,She sounds jealous and possessive and its ridiculous of her not to let go,Let the other family members gob off ..fuck them too,I would tell him his marriage is on the line and you have had enough.You are not a single parent nor should you be made to feel like on.Go kick so ass and have your sayI would blow it all apart then see where you go from there. There is not 3 in your marriage there is 2 you and him and if he cannot commit to you and your life together then there really is no point in continuing for you to exist with this upset constantly.Get her told Get him told you have nothing now with all this carry on so you really dont have too much to loose at this point, I wish you well.

You have every right to be upset. Your husband's relationship with his mother is not normal and your anger at her is completely justified.

However, you can't change her. You might possibly get your husband to change if you make it known how serious and untenable the situation is for you.

Like most on here have said (and you seem very unwilling to accept, probably because it's emotionally easier to put the blame on her than on him) you have a dh problem.

My parents had a similar problem. My grandmother would call and my dad would go running, always. Until my brother died, and the night of his funeral my grandmother called for my dad to come. After 40 years of marriage my mom had had enough. She told my father that if he went to his mother's that night to not come back. He stayed home, and was never at his mother's beck and call again.

Stop wasting mental energy on anger at your mil and talk to your husband.

I think it's fair enough if you don't want to. But it's only one night a week. Just let it go. If Sunday night is a problem ask him to sometimes go on a different night.

"I would be ringing the old cow and demanding to know what the hell was wrong,get it all out in the open and cause a bit of a do"

Lovely, how nice 😊 and she's in her 50s.

He needs to fear YOUR reaction more than he fears his mothers. Whether that be the cold shoulder from you, no sex/sleeping in spare room/on the couch etc, you need to make him fear your reaction more than he fears hers. When he married you he officially left his mother's clutches and you became his number one person in life (bar daughter) - or at least that is how it usually works. Tell him he is like the mother/son duo in that movie Psycho. Also, ask how he would feel if a man treated his/your own daughter like he treats you. He has a wife and a child now, time for him to stop being a mummy's boy and grow up and face up to his responsibilities.

She is a cow old maybe not but she is intent on disliking the OP and she is so not supporting the marriage by her demanding ways and she doesnt seem to care about anyone but herself,She seems to be on the divide and conquer route here and understandably Op has had enough! My turn of phrase was a bit much though your right @DavidsSchitt! forgive me I am rather too blunt on occassion...most occassions!!!!

YANBU but it really doesn’t take the whole of Sunday pm to prep one child for school the next day.

Why’s he visiting his mum. Is she alone and in your bubble ?

Surely Covid is the perfect opportunity to decrease contact with troublesome relatives

No, the MiL isn't alone, old, of bovine genetics, or only asking on Sundays, as the OP has said quite a few times.

No matter how annoying she is - and she does sound irritating, that list of wedding gripes was ridiculous! - you still have a DH problem.

If he refused to run around after her then it wouldn't matter how many requests she made, he wouldn't pander to her and that'd be that.

One visit a week doesn't seem particularly OTT to me. If Sunday doesn't suit then ask him to go another day. Either way, this is a conversation you need to be having with your DH, not with MIL.

I am under no illusion what so ever that this MIL knows exactly what kind of game she is playing and she is heartily pleased with the distress that she is causing her DIL and grandchild and maybe even son.

My question was am I supposed to just accept that this is life now or do I have a right to be pissed?

Yes, you have a right to be pissed. And yes you're going to just have to accept it until you stop blaming MiL and 'deal' with your DH. He's the one saying 'how high?' when she says 'jump!'.

The decision is really yours. If he won't listen and change then either set up Sunday as your day of rest and tell him his share of the Sunday chores will be waiting for him when he gets home Sunday evening and will need to be done before Monday morning or arrange them for Saturday and foist them on him.

The point isn't to make the work equal per se, the point is to make him 'uncomfortable' for jumping to his mother's attention by having loads of work to do whilst your chores are done and you are relaxing. Sometimes words just don't work, but actions & consequences do.

Did you used to go round on sundays with him? Was it a regular thing? And now you're refusing to see her so he has carried it on?

Anyway, I agree to change the chores day. Or when he gets in on Sunday evening say "I left the lunches for you..." or whatever.

I can see why you're annoyed but you're ultimately annoyed with the wrong person. MIL sounds like hard work but I can't imagine ever refusing to go to see her. ~Plus you're coming across as quite precious and whingey~

Your MIL sounds awful. But it's still ultimately a DH problem. Broadly, I get on with MIL, but I am also very very aware that things could have gone the other way if DH hadn't made it clear up front that he would prioritise me and our family. And, in her defence, she absolutely (mostly) accepted that and has acted accordingly ever since. But if he hadn't.... well!

And even with that, there were still times. Eg his habit of having long calls with her around the time I was running around organising dinner, bath, bed etc. Once or twice was fine, but it started becoming a habit and I pointed out sharpish that this wasn't fair on me or the DC.

Ultimately, if he keeps doing whatever she wants, whenever she wants, nothing will change for you. And basically, he's being very disrespectful of you and your family.

You need to understand their dysfunctional family dynamic - so that strategically you don’t feed into it and become another cog in their enmeshed system.

You are at risk of being really set up here.

The MIL is goading YOU.

Know that. This is all about her reclaiming and being possessive about her DS. YOU are the enemy and she is setting a trap.

The WORST thing you can do is kick off at her / call her out - that’s EXACTLY what she wants you to do - to get angry so that she can do the usual manipulative DARVO (deny, attack, reverse, victim and offender) process to paint her as the victim and you as the villain.

There will be tears, histrionics, weeping and wailing - full on dramatic pantomime.

She will dine out on that for YEARS and your DH and the rest of the family will be enraged with you for triggering this regardless of what she has done.

They have all been trained to do anything and everything to keep her from erupting.

They are terrified of this - this is how she controls and manipulates everyone - always simmering volatility - the threat of a blow out.

Your DH would have seen this from an v early age and it would have been terrifying - so his automatic knee jerk is to comply with her and keep her calm.

This is all about HIS discomfort.

This is evidenced by his comment requesting “it’s easier if you just let it lie” - it’s easier for HIM. Not YOU. Know that.

He is trapped in FOG - scared of anger - so don’t fall into the trap of being the angry wife on the other side - because he will then see himself irrationally “stuck in the middle” because there is no middle when you are married - there are compromises etc.

So he needs to be educated about this toxic engulfing dynamic. That he is part of the enabling but that YOU are not playing tug of war. YOU have dropped the rope.

Underneath / subconsciously he is v scared of his DM - he knows he is being controlled so needs GENTLE support and encouragement to be confident setting boundaries with her. He may need professional counselling for an independent view on this as now he likely sees YOU as the problem because you are asking him to behave differently from his trained gut reaction.

Know that you are right and MIL is wrong but the only person who can shift this dynamic with her is your DH not you.

Maybe one clear talking to him with YOUR boundaries and expectations of HIM as a father and a husband and consequences which you carry out in ACTIONS.

Decide what your weekly routine is as a family FIRST and then schedule time in when he sees his DM and that he doesn’t get to drop his family and go over on short notice.

@Hadenough2021

I don’t feel like I’ve explained it well. She could text on Tuesday at 7pm and say she’d like to see him and he’d go. She could then do the same for the next 3 weeks everyday and he would go. Regardless of what other commitments we had or in fact the covid restrictions. This is what seems unfair to me. She’s expecting him to be the man of her house, who’s going to be the man of mine? She’s married to his dad and they’re late 50’s early 60’s and in great health. She also knows that she has this power over him. So will deliberately decide she needs to see him on our anniversary, knowing he will go.

You have explained it perfectly well. And the answer is the same, it is your DH that you need to discuss this with not your MIL. She can click her fingers all she wants, she isn’t forcing him to do anything. Personally I expect he is going over there on a Sunday to avoid all the household chores at home and be made a fuss of by mummy.

He needs to arrange set times to visit her. Then you know and can divvy up the chores between ypu

You are directing your anger at the wrong person.
You have a husband problem a huge one, I don't understand why he would drop everything to go to his mum and dads. (Your anger is only directed at his mum). Does he have a quiet time there? His mum will stop ringing and him jumping when he says NO.

His parents can ring at anytime but it's up to him if he wants to go.

Would it be worth speaking to your fil? What does he make of it all? My mil ignores us if my dh says the ‘wrong’ thing to her. Hence, we now haven’t spoken for 2 years! My fil is actually ok and I’m sure would quite like to see us, but he’s too frightened of her!
Perhaps you could say to your dh that you’re happy for him to go over if she calls, but limit it to one or two days a week and not a Sunday! He has to put you and your family first! I don’t think you are wrong to expect this.

He should be able to see her whenever he wants but he needs to do his share of chores before or afterwards. Surely it’s not hard to do both!

I still don’t understand why you’re blaming your MIL for the fact that your husband seems to have a litany of excuses for not wanting to spend time with you.

Just do the housework and ironing together another day and lunchboxes are hardly taxing.

If your children don’t visit when older as put their partner first would you be happy? If your relationship breaks down snd he’s cut ties from his family for you what will he have?