Damn Mother in Law 🤬

[Hadenough2021]

Long story so buckle up.

I’ve been with my partner 10 years, married for nearly 1 year with an 8 year old daughter. My MIL has been a constant source of pain and suffering since the day I met her. Everything from writing me a letter asking me to have an abortion at 4 months pregnant because she felt we were too young to providing a list of criticism from our wedding (that she threatened not to attend on many occasions).

The wedding feedback was the final straw for me. Imagine pouring your heart and soul into planning something for over a year spending every penny you have, contending with covid and many restrictions to finally getting married (and feeling incredibly grateful as many haven’t been able to yet) just to have it trashed by your MIL and her inability to think before she speaks. So that’s it for me, it’s better for my own mental health that I take a step back from seeing her. I wouldn’t dream of stopping my husband from having a relationship with her. He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.

But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed) is it acceptable that I get left with all the chores because he gets summonsed to visit her? And it’s not just Sunday’s. It’s an evening in the week plus many phone calls in the evenings. When do I take priority as his wife? We both work full time but it seems like I get lumbered with everything as soon as MIL clicks her fingers. I’ve really had enough. She brings nothing but pain and his inability to stand up to her or defend us is really dragging me down.

’is it ok that she clicks her fingers and off he goes regardless of what our family had planned or needed to do’

No, but that’s a DH problem. Does he drop everything and go over straight away if he’s in the middle of something he wants to do like watching a football match?

I would also look into moving; put more distance both physical and mental between you all.

You need to sit down and talk to him about this.

If he wants to visit his dm on a Sunday then that's fine, but before he goes he does the ironing, or gets the dc school stuff ready etc. If you I get left to do bath and bedtime ion a Sunday, then he does it on a Saturday whilst you have some 'you' time.

If he wants to see him dm in the week, he goes over after he's down bed and bath for the dc, or if it gets left you you, he does it another day whilst you have some time to yourself .

It if he can, he takes the dc with him and you get a rest that way.

If he's not willing to stand up to her then he needs to put things in place that mean you don't end up with the brunt of the child rearing or chores as a result of him wanting to see his dm.

I don’t feel like I’ve explained it well. She could text on Tuesday at 7pm and say she’d like to see him and he’d go. She could then do the same for the next 3 weeks everyday and he would go. Regardless of what other commitments we had or in fact the covid restrictions. This is what seems unfair to me. She’s expecting him to be the man of her house, who’s going to be the man of mine? She’s married to his dad and they’re late 50’s early 60’s and in great health. She also knows that she has this power over him. So will deliberately decide she needs to see him on our anniversary, knowing he will go.

Is there any way you can move further away OP? So that it would not be practicable for him to go over to her house at the drop of a hat. Even if you do that, you still need to get him to face the fact that he is not prioritising you and your DC, and he has an issue with his M. This will only get worse as she gets older, or maybe is widowed at some point, so he needs to wake up to the situation and look at his mother fixation..

So will deliberately decide she needs to see him on our anniversary, knowing he will go

He needs to make a decision then, his wife or his Mum. If he chooses him Mum then you have to make a decision. You come second best to his Mum or you leave him.

So she calls and he comes running every time? He doesn’t vary that if (precovid) he had plans with friends or something?

If your DH can't stand up to her for himself, stop expecting him to stand up to her for you.
Does she live nearby?
Personally I think several visits a week are far too much if you have a family of your own, How much time does he have left for your children and his parental responsibilites and you as a couple.
He needs to open his eyes . Yes his relationship with MIL is important to him but is he giving it too much priority and avoiding his responsibility to you and your children? I think you need a mediator to help you sort this out and don't let it drag on and ruin your relationship.

I'm baffled why you got married when he treats you like this. He sounds spineless.

What's his dad like?. He is more likely than not to be a bystander acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is also likely to be just as much under her thumb as their son is. He has also failed their son your H, as a parent too because he has failed to protect him from the excesses of his wife's behaviours.

Tell DH to take DD to visit his mother on Sundays. While they are out; you go for a walk/watch a film/eat chocs and drink gin. Let them heat up a frozen pizza when they get home. (You've already eaten thanks, had some rather lovely cheeses and cold meats etc ).

He will prioritise her over EVERYTHING.

I suggest couples therapy. Someone independent that can see the dynamic and ask him where his priorities are and where he thinks they should be.

He needs to put boundaries in place but first he needs to understand that those boundaries are normal and required.

Sorry just read your last post
She needs to see him on your anniversary and he goes ???
Is he just spineless or eager to see her. He really wants Mummy's approval doesn't he.
You need to get him to marriage guidance.

I find it strange that he's visiting her whenever she clicks her fingers. She does sound really demanding. It might not solve it but may help you to feel better if you agree with him that for the time he spends off visiting her you'll expect to have that amount of 'you' time- whether that's with your family, friends, hobbies. It needs to be equal. Once he sees that, he might not be visiting so often. I don't know many grown ups who see their parents that often. Seems a bit odd.

Who is his primary loyalty to; you and his child or his mother?. Note I did not state both parents.

I would think your H is torn in many ways (inertia again) because in his head he would like you all to get along so he does not have to deal with this. He cannot or equally will not deal with his mother at all due to her long standing conditioning of him.

Yeah, that’s not normal.

If this has gone on for 10 years he’s unlikely to change. You need to figure out how you want to go forward.

Also, she sounds really horrible. Stay away from any confrontation. Good luck!

Would he be willing to see a BACP registered therapist re his relationship with his mother?. There is a lot to unpick here re that and it will be very painful for him; this is not to say he should not be seeing such a person. Your marriage is on the line here also because of his mother and he needs to realise this before you've really had enough and file divorce papers.

I don’t see the issue with him having a relationship with his mother, but he needs to pull his weight around the house.

I also don’t know what her problem was with your wedding but am being nosy - was it the cost?

Your husband wouldbt do this if he didn't want to. Your MIL sounds a PITA but your husband obviously wants to go and duesnt care that he's having a holiday from family life for hours two days a week.

I agree with PP that having it out with MIL probably won't achieve anything and will only drain you. The one I'd be having it out with is your husband. He can have a relationship with his mother, but it doesn't have to be all on her terms. He can say he'll call her back. He can tell her it's not a good time. He can initiate contact earlier in the day.

Can you not see that it is HIM who is choosing to drop you and go? She's not forcing him. He can easily say "I can't right now, mum. Need to get DD sorted for school tomorrow." In this situation your issue is him, not you MIL.

Like has been said - it's a DH problem. He's the one you need to talk to, not her.

I wish it was something that simple. I’ll just give you a few of her bullet points so you get the gist:

• too much white wine on the table
• my dress was tacky
• her husband button hole was smaller than my dads (it wasn’t)
• her daughters bouquet was smaller than the other bridesmaids (again it wasn’t, proved by showing the invoice)
• it was too hot (we got married abroad)
• my dad was thanked more in the speech (he paid for half of it)
• she wore blue and two other guests wore blue
• we had a memory table of two people (one from each side) we recently lost. Her dad wasn’t part of the memory table. She lost her dad when she was 10. So neither of us knew him.
• she’s not smiling in any pictures and the photographer did it on purpose.

I could go on but you can see how utterly ridiculous she is.