He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.
He will prioritise her over EVERYTHING.
You don’t see that he didn’t take it all in his stride at all? He’s a badly damaged man. But the way he copes is by pretending it’s all fine and normal, and, as you say, prioritising her over everyone and everything, including his own wife and child. Which was not the deal when he married you.
You are indeed enabling him by putting all the blame on her. She and his father made him like this originally, yes, but he’s an adult now and it’s up to him how he responds to her as an adult. He is choosing to prioritise her because she’s made him terrified of not doing so, but it’s still his choice now he’s an adult. And you either accept his choices and live with them, or you don’t, and you challenge them.
You can rail against her all you like but it’s not going to change anything. I think you have to think about what you wanted when you posted here. Did you just want to vent, and for people to agree your MIL is awful? She does sound truly awful, but there’s nothing more you can actually do beyond refusing to see her, as you have done. So the problem now is your DH’s behaviour. Which is also awful, but you have to see that for yourself.
Do you want things to change? If so, what are you prepared to do to make change happen? I could say your DH’s behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me, but is it for you? Are you prepared to put up with this for the foreseeable future? Because no matter how many people on MN agree your MIL sounds awful, you’ll still be living with this in five, 10, 20 years time unless you do something about it, because no one else in this scenario has any motivation to change things.
So you need to think about what you’re prepared to accept, or not. What you’re prepared to do, or not. What could you do, or not do, that would actually make him take notice and realise he’s got something to lose here if he doesn’t get his act together? Don’t make any threats that you’re not actually prepared to follow through on. But do ask yourself if this is how you want the rest of your married life and your DD’s childhood to be.
That’s my two penn’orth, FWIW, though I’m not sure you’re here to listen to what you don’t want to hear. It’s interesting that the only suggestion you responded positively to was the one based on working around your DH’s crap behaviour, not challenging it. That’s exactly what people mean when they say you’re enabling him. And what happens anyway when she snaps her fingers and wants him round on a Saturday instead of a Sunday?
And I have to say I’m baffled at your extremely rude response to Batman’s helpful post. Unless you completely misinterpreted her second post (about the typos) as referring to your post, instead of her own? If it was just about her (correctly) referring to your DH as a wet lettuce, and you just can’t acknowledge how crap and unacceptable his behaviour is, then it looks like you’ll be moaning about your MIL for a long, long time.
Finally, read the book Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward if you want a wider perspective on this.