Damn Mother in Law 🤬

[Hadenough2021]

Long story so buckle up.

I’ve been with my partner 10 years, married for nearly 1 year with an 8 year old daughter. My MIL has been a constant source of pain and suffering since the day I met her. Everything from writing me a letter asking me to have an abortion at 4 months pregnant because she felt we were too young to providing a list of criticism from our wedding (that she threatened not to attend on many occasions).

The wedding feedback was the final straw for me. Imagine pouring your heart and soul into planning something for over a year spending every penny you have, contending with covid and many restrictions to finally getting married (and feeling incredibly grateful as many haven’t been able to yet) just to have it trashed by your MIL and her inability to think before she speaks. So that’s it for me, it’s better for my own mental health that I take a step back from seeing her. I wouldn’t dream of stopping my husband from having a relationship with her. He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.

But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed) is it acceptable that I get left with all the chores because he gets summonsed to visit her? And it’s not just Sunday’s. It’s an evening in the week plus many phone calls in the evenings. When do I take priority as his wife? We both work full time but it seems like I get lumbered with everything as soon as MIL clicks her fingers. I’ve really had enough. She brings nothing but pain and his inability to stand up to her or defend us is really dragging me down.

You aren't listening, OP.

It's your DH who is the problem. Until you accept that there is nothing to be done.

@Woodlandbelle

I wouldnt leave the uniform and lunches until Sunday night. Bath them Sunday morning. Minday I always give crackers and fruit / yoghurt and make the lunch early so I can enjoy the day.

But yes she is awful. I would avoid her. I would send the dc with him on a Sunday and get an hour to yourself. That's what I do.

Bath them Sunday morning?

Do you children not move during the day??

Aren't many uniform items just 'wash and wear' these days, anyway? Even oxford shirts, if worn under a tunic, really only need to be a shake on being removed from the washing machine and hung on a coat hanger to dry, thus removing any chance of wrinkles forming. None of my dresses, tunic dresses or skirts were ever ironed or needed ironing, same with my daughter's. Just a good shake and clipped or hangered.
Doing her lunch for the following day was either done at night - less than 5 mins, or in the day. There was zero prep needed really. So not sure why you'd make a big deal out of ironing things that don't need ironing and making a sandwich or 2 and shoving it in a box.

This is such a mess. Your husband definitely needs counselling. He's in thrall to a nightmare of a mother but he can't let go until he can see the apron strings. Sometimes being really fucking blunt can work. I don't know, but I wish you only good things.

I agree that your DH needs therapy. He’s not going to be able to change his relationship with his mum without that, it’s too toxic.

Moving away would be a very good idea. That way he wouldn’t be at her beckon call.

Your problem is with your husband. If he’s not pulling his weight job wise, draw up a list of what needs to be done, and who’s doing what. If he chooses to spend time with his mum instead of doing what’s on his list, he’ll either have to do them before or after he sees her. Or tell her he’s busy and can’t come.

You are allowing your feelings for your MIL (who honestly does sound like Maleficent) to blind you to your DH’s role in this debacle. He’s being spoiled silly by his mummy, creating “jobs” and “drama” where there probably actually isn’t any. There is a very good chance that he is sitting on his arse, drinking tea and eating biscuits to get out of boring domestic tasks and hearing how vile you are at his mummy’s, agreeing with everything so he can keep the status quo because it suits him to a T. He is playing you both, can’t you see? I’ll bet if you change the day of the domestic tasks and find lovely things to do on Sundays, he gets “emergency” texts from mummy on Saturday instead.

You refuse to accept you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

She can act as badly behaved as she likes. You have a right not to put up with it or see her. That’s easily sorted. The issue is that you believe DH spends too much time visiting or it’s not organised in a way to avoid disruption to your family unit. That’s the problem. It’s with your DH. It’s up to him to respond ‘No mum, I’ll see you on Sunday at 4pm as usual’ if she clicks her fingers and wants him to run over. Nothing at all wrong with the MIL asking him to come over 100 times a week, but there’s everything wrong in him not visiting on a schedule that works for your immediate family unit.

All the rest about the letters and MIL is background noise, she’s obviously batshit. No need for you to open or read her letters though, why would you! Problem easily solved.