Damn Mother in Law 🤬

[Hadenough2021]

Long story so buckle up.

I’ve been with my partner 10 years, married for nearly 1 year with an 8 year old daughter. My MIL has been a constant source of pain and suffering since the day I met her. Everything from writing me a letter asking me to have an abortion at 4 months pregnant because she felt we were too young to providing a list of criticism from our wedding (that she threatened not to attend on many occasions).

The wedding feedback was the final straw for me. Imagine pouring your heart and soul into planning something for over a year spending every penny you have, contending with covid and many restrictions to finally getting married (and feeling incredibly grateful as many haven’t been able to yet) just to have it trashed by your MIL and her inability to think before she speaks. So that’s it for me, it’s better for my own mental health that I take a step back from seeing her. I wouldn’t dream of stopping my husband from having a relationship with her. He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.

But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed) is it acceptable that I get left with all the chores because he gets summonsed to visit her? And it’s not just Sunday’s. It’s an evening in the week plus many phone calls in the evenings. When do I take priority as his wife? We both work full time but it seems like I get lumbered with everything as soon as MIL clicks her fingers. I’ve really had enough. She brings nothing but pain and his inability to stand up to her or defend us is really dragging me down.

So your husband takes the piss yet you blame his mum?

And my actual point is that these demanding people get everyone else running about, behaving to their tune whilst the other people question themselves and get their behaviour questioned by partners, family, etc.

What about if you moved all the Sunday chores to the Saturday so he can't get out of it and have the Sunday as a chill out zone?

You are going to have to think up ways of managing this as DH is unlikely to change and his mother definitely won't!

"But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed) is it acceptable that I get left with all the chores because he gets summonsed to visit her?"

This is what you asked. You need to change your way of thinking.

It should read "because my husband just left it all to me and went out".

He sounds like he's got women doing everything for him and that's a terrible example to be setting your daughter.

"DH, where are you going? The uniforms still need ironing and the housework is all still to be done". Simple.

She sounds awful but your DH is the problem
You married him knowing how spineless he is, did you think he would miraculously change after the wedding? Unless your DH is prepared to stand up to her you will always come second

@TryingAgain16 I think that’s probably the best advice here.

is it ok that she clicks her fingers and off he goes regardless of what our family had planned or needed to do? Is it ok that he’s a son first and foremost and a husband and father second?

Very much not okay. Frankly, I'd find it a turn off: these are most unattractive qualities in a partner.

Susan Forward, Toxic In-Laws - read this book. If you take its advice to heart it could be a real game-changer.

PS, she is the 'engulfer'.

What @HolyShitBatman said is right.

Your husband just leaves you to do all the work, dumps you when you're halfway out of the door because he can't say, "sorry it's not a good time" or, god forbid, not answer the phone?

Pathetic. You're enabling him too.

@DavidsSchitt it’s not about the work. Like I said I would hire help if it was that bad. My question was am I supposed to just accept that this is life now or do I have a right to be pissed?

It also has nothing to do with getting married. She’s always been a bitch but it’s reached new levels since I’ve refused to see her which is coincidentally not long after we got married. It’s never caused problems between us until now.

And I’ll happily take your advice but all you’ve done is call me pathetic. How do I stop enabling him?

I think it's clear he prioritises his mother over you. Why on earth did you marry him after being with him 9 years without sorting this out first?

Well done for putting up with the behaviour from MIL and DH as long as that, I'm not sure I would! Personally I'd be looking for an exit plan because I don't think he'll change nor will she after this long.

A few options - all of which are difficult:
Either he needs to pull his weight (as well as seeing MIL),
or stand up to her and not be at her beck and call
or could you move someone else (abroad) away from her
or maybe you need to consider if that's what you want forever if you stay with him.

Whatever I wouldn't not have any more kids with him, that's setting yourself up for more single parenting.

I think Batman was just apologising for the typos in their own previous post not criticising yours

OP - please believe people when they say you have a DH problem. It's not your MIL that needs to stop asking your DH to go around. It's your DH that needs to say "I can't right now" whatever the consequences are. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. Until he decides enough is enough, this will go on. Yes, she is wicked, yes she shouldn't do it, but the decision is your DHs, no matter which way you are trying to explain it. I sympathise, more than you know

What is he doing at his mothers?

Is he helping or is she feeding him?

You have a massive DH problem.

She can summon him as much as she likes, that’s not the issue. The issue is that he prioritises her over you and your DD.

What happens when you have plans and she calls? Do the plans get cancelled or do you just go ahead without him?

I’d sit him down and tell him very bluntly that it’s unacceptable that he abandons you and your DD every time.

From now on don’t pick up his share of chores - if that means he has to make packed lunches or do ironing at 3am so he it.

If you have plans for dinner or to go somewhere then still go. If he chooses to miss out then that’s his problem.

She won’t change. It’s up to him if he changes. If he chooses not to change he should be aware that you might just enjoy life without him and decide to send him back to his mother for good.

Seriously couples therapy is the way forward.

He is entrenched in the FOG

Fear, obligation, guilt.

Both your MIL and DH are at fault.

You need to sit down and agree boundaries with him. When is a good time for him to visit her and stick to that (eg a Tuesday and Thursday night). If she demands him over at other times, he says no and it waits until he is going over. He needs to stop answering the phone to her as much and only be available for a part of the day. She needs to start learning that she isn’t everyone’s priority.

I’d personally not bother telling her how rude she is because she’ll only turn it around to be you attacking her for more attention. Just keep doing what you’re doing and never see her.

No more weekend visits, though. It’s family time and your DH needs to start being present and stop fucking off to his mummy’s like a little boy. It’s so off putting. He also needs to start doing his fair share so make sure you leave him tasks to do and take time out to visit family/friends as well.

If he can’t stick to boundaries then I’d probably slowly start accepting that things will inevitably break down and prepare for a split. Obviously in that case you make sure that you have all your finances sorted, etc.

I sort of get where you’re at, I had a boyfriend years ago who was like this. We ended up splitting because I couldn’t deal with the fact that his parents always came first (anniversaries included). It was off putting and I just knew it would never work long term because I’d always be playing second fiddle.

’I know he doesn’t want to go but he’s aware of the shit she’ll throw if he doesn’t. She gets other family members involved and then they phone up having only one side of the story and guilt him into it. He gets told almost daily that he’s a disappointment to her.’

That sounds very similar to some of the stuff on the stately homes threads. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread
Unfortunately your DH would need to be the one to make any changes and he can’t or won’t, so Tryingagain16 has the best advice.

@BluebellsGreenbells drinking tea, watching TV, the odd job. This is what DH tells me anyway. He did mention the other day that he had to change a lightbulb and he was puzzled why his dad couldn’t do it...

Your MIL is not your problem....your husband is

@Hadenough2021 eh?! Did you actually read my posts?

Yes she's unreasonable to click her fingers but it's your DH who goes running. She wouldn't do it if it didn't work.

Why do you martyr yourself by doing all the housework? Just say something as he's leaving - "ok have fun, don't forget you have to hoover the lounge/iron the uniform/make the lunches when you get back". He's got it far too good at the minute - fuck off to mummy's for a few hours and get out of all the jobs. Nah.

My MIL sounds similar to yours in many ways. From experience, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she got to me. I made that mistake once when she had made sure to bait me enough when my husband, her only son, wasn't there. BIG mistake, she actually smirked and was mocking. Essentially she wanted that reaction and liked knowing she upset me (she accidentally admitted this at a later date).

It's taken a lot of effort, but I try to let things go through one ear and out of the other. My MIL has made clear she wants her son back. She'd love it if I challenged her/flipped out or left for good. She most certainly does want me to be at odds with my husband too. Like you said it all boils down to control.

I'm afraid unless and until your husband grows a backbone you'll really have to ignore. She is a nightmare, but he is the real crux of your problem.

Don't read her notes. If you see her and she starts being nasty, immediately excuse yourself to the bathroom. I'm pretty obvious Re cutting MIL off, but polite (not saying you're not). if he acts as messenger. Tell him to stop.

Definitely think the idea of moving the chores to Saturday so your husband has to get involved is a good one. Also start organising nice things to do with your child without him on a Sunday. Let him miss out on things. Sounds petty to some, but it may give him food for thought.

I don’t understand why you’re blaming her, other than it’s easier snd you hate her. Your husband is a grown man, his actions are his responsibility. If you don’t like what he’s doing your issue is with him. Not her.