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Original poster

Damn Mother in Law 🤬

158 replies

Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 15:48

Long story so buckle up.

I’ve been with my partner 10 years, married for nearly 1 year with an 8 year old daughter. My MIL has been a constant source of pain and suffering since the day I met her. Everything from writing me a letter asking me to have an abortion at 4 months pregnant because she felt we were too young to providing a list of criticism from our wedding (that she threatened not to attend on many occasions).

The wedding feedback was the final straw for me. Imagine pouring your heart and soul into planning something for over a year spending every penny you have, contending with covid and many restrictions to finally getting married (and feeling incredibly grateful as many haven’t been able to yet) just to have it trashed by your MIL and her inability to think before she speaks. So that’s it for me, it’s better for my own mental health that I take a step back from seeing her. I wouldn’t dream of stopping my husband from having a relationship with her. He’s had 35 years to learn to ignore her/placate her and he managed to take it all in his stride, it certainly doesn’t affect him like it does me. Mind you he’s incapable of standing up to her or defending me/our family.

But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed) is it acceptable that I get left with all the chores because he gets summonsed to visit her? And it’s not just Sunday’s. It’s an evening in the week plus many phone calls in the evenings. When do I take priority as his wife? We both work full time but it seems like I get lumbered with everything as soon as MIL clicks her fingers. I’ve really had enough. She brings nothing but pain and his inability to stand up to her or defend us is really dragging me down.

OP posts:
MindGrapes · 21/03/2021 16:36

You don't need a 'man of your house', you need an equal partner.

I mean this kindly but as everyone says, you are focusing on her being unpleasant but you haven't addressed everyone's posts suggesting you both have equal amounts of 'free' time that he can then choose to spend with his mum if he wants. He needs to do his share of the chores - that's hardly revolutionary!

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/03/2021 16:36

If your DH wanted to spend Sundays with you he would. This isn’t a mil problem it’s a dh problem.

Haffiana · 21/03/2021 16:36

@Hadenough2021

He will prioritise her over EVERYTHING.
Why is that her fault?
Nanny0gg · 21/03/2021 16:37

@Hadenough2021

In one conversation he seems to understand how I feel and totally respects me not wanting to see her for a while but then in the next he says I’m overreacting and life would be easier if I just let it go. I offered to go over and have it out with her calmly over a cup of tea because I’ve never been allowed a voice and I just don’t think I’m going to get over this one until she knows how I feel and has apologised but he says that’ll do more damage than good.
Can't imagine that she'll apologise
DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 16:38

"She’s expecting him to be the man of her house, who’s going to be the man of mine?"

That just sounds like whining, but what about meeeeee Grin.

As for leaving all the jobs until Sunday afternoon when you know he visits his parents that day is the act of a martyr. Stop that! He can do the ironing on Sunday morning surely?

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2021 16:38

@Hadenough2021

He will prioritise her over EVERYTHING.
Then you have a major DH problem.

What would happen if you said that you refused to put up with it anymore and that he could go, but needn't bother coming back?

Thewiseoneincognito · 21/03/2021 16:39

OP the issue is your husbands willingness to leave you at every opportunity and his dislike to help you with running the home.

His mother is his excuse.

gottenhaitch · 21/03/2021 16:39

Marrying into this family was your first mistake. Seems like she gave you plenty of warning.

DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 16:40

Right, so she moans a lot. What has that got to do with the fact that your husband lets you do all the housework?

AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2021 16:43

Did you expect this to change just because you got married? These visits are an established pattern of behaviour for him that's (apparently) been going on for 10 years (& probably longer). The time to break the cycle would have been years ago, you're going to find it hard going now. Not that I'm discouraging you from trying, but just recognize that he's not ever going to see the 'real issue' and will probably only change to appease you rather than because his mum won't allow him to cut the apron strings.

But tell me this, is it acceptable that every Sunday afternoon/night (uniform ironing, lunch boxes, housework, bath and early to bed)

At this point I'd make a BIG point of rearranging to do as much of the 'get ready for school' stuff on Saturday and I'd make it clear exactly why I was doing it and that he needs to do his share. I realize that bedtime can't be rearranged but even the lunchboxes should have a few items that can be packed on Saturday. Try to set Sunday up as your 'day of rest' as much as possible.

Cokie3 · 21/03/2021 16:43

If you knew your DH was like this (unable and unwilling to defend you) for 9 years previous, why did you marry him? Did you think marriage would suddenly make him 'change'? It's clear he doesn't value you as his wife or life partner, and never has as much as he values his mum. So why get upset now?

Don't get me wrong you have every right to be upset that your ball-less spouse puts you last after his mum, but surely you had 9 years of knowing this and he hadn't changed. He should put you first as you are his family now. But you were with him for 9 years previous, so why do you think he would do a 180 now? Did you think a piece of paper would change him overnight? He clearly is not marriage material and will put you last always. So I guess the question now is do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, knowing you will always be last on his priority list? Or maybe sit him down for a long chat and ultimatum. But that's something you really should have done long before you even got engaged, let alone married.

1forAll74 · 21/03/2021 16:45

Can you really not get through to your Husband,how much all this is affecting you. His Mothers pathetic and selfish ways are taking over, and she won't change.unless he stops being her puppy.

The MIL, sounds very overbearing and hyper critical, and would be a good idea to tell her this. It will obviously be very difficult for your Husband to speak to his Mother like this.in case it upsets her,or angers her, but otherwise things won't change,and you will forever be annoyed and stressed about the way things are now.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/03/2021 16:45

As in every one of these, you have a DH problem. He could say no, sorry we have things we need to get done, or I want to spend the night in with my family, but he doesn’t-that’s the problem you need to sort out. You can’t change her, but you can help your DH to change his behaviour and put you first, when it comes to spending time with HIS family (ie wife and child) not mum!

HolyShitBatman · 21/03/2021 16:46

@Hadenough2021

I don’t feel like I’ve explained it well. She could text on Tuesday at 7pm and say she’d like to see him and he’d go. She could then do the same for the next 3 weeks everyday and he would go. Regardless of what other commitments we had or in fact the covid restrictions. This is what seems unfair to me. She’s expecting him to be the man of her house, who’s going to be the man of mine? She’s married to his dad and they’re late 50’s early 60’s and in great health. She also knows that she has this power over him. So will deliberately decide she needs to see him on our anniversary, knowing he will go.
Ah, that’s different then.

Yes she sounds like hard work. But your husband is the problem here. Has he always been a complete wet lettuce?

What does he do on these visits? Just sit there? Or does she have a list of jobs that needs doing? Not that it makes any difference, I’m just wondering why he can’t say no!
Surely she remembers what it’s like to have a young family, you can’t just drop everything on a whim!

I still say it’s you DH who is the problem. She’s changing her luck and he is bowing down. He can say no but he chooses not to

Original poster
Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 16:46

I really don’t feel like it is. I get what everyone’s saying and he definitely has issues and I could demand time for myself but that isn’t my problem. I really am happy being with my daughter and I love family life.

Up until I refused to visit her we would see her maybe once a week for a few hours. Since it’s become apparent that I won’t go she’s demanding all sorts. I know he doesn’t want to go but he’s aware of the shit she’ll throw if he doesn’t. She gets other family members involved and then they phone up having only one side of the story and guilt him into it. He gets told almost daily that he’s a disappointment to her.

If the chores thing bothered me that much I’d hire a cleaner. I just wanted to know if other people put up with this as normal or if they expect a bit of courtesy. ‘Does it work if I visit my mum 2-7 on Sunday’ not were just about to go out for a walk his phone rings and now I’m doing it all alone. I don’t mean to sound unreasonable and I honestly wouldn’t dream of telling him not to see her or even putting a limit on it. I just feel like I deserve a bit of respect and our own family should come first.

OP posts:
HolyShitBatman · 21/03/2021 16:47

So may typos in that! Hope you get the gist!

Orchidflower1 · 21/03/2021 16:47

@Hadenough2021 do you think your mil has got worse since you married. In that maybe she was thinking but wouldn’t last and now you’re married?

Is dh 100% going to his mums when she texts? His behaviour is odd enough to warrant another family!

Thiscantreallybehappening · 21/03/2021 16:48

If you knew your DH was like this (unable and unwilling to defend you) for 9 years previous, why did you marry him? Did you think marriage would suddenly make him 'change'? It's clear he doesn't value you as his wife or life partner, and never has as much as he values his mum. So why get upset now?

Don't get me wrong you have every right to be upset that your ball-less spouse puts you last after his mum, but surely you had 9 years of knowing this and he hadn't changed. He should put you first as you are his family now. But you were with him for 9 years previous, so why do you think he would do a 180 now? Did you think a piece of paper would change him overnight? He clearly is not marriage material and will put you last always. So I guess the question now is do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, knowing you will always be last on his priority list? Or maybe sit him down for a long chat and ultimatum. But that's something you really should have done long before you even got engaged, let alone married.

Yes, this is exactly what I was going to put

MarieDelaere · 21/03/2021 16:49

I think they've cooked this up between them so that she can get him out of doing housework and child duties.

In fact he's probably got a special 'bat signal' text he sends her when he wants to be 'summoned' over.

tenlittlecygnets · 21/03/2021 16:49

You have a husband problem. He needs to man up and tell his mum, 'sorry, I'd like to spend the day with my wife and dc' or even 'sorry, Sunday's are so busy. Need to get the dc to bed, iron their uniform etc - it's not fair leaving that to op'.

Until he does that, things will never change.

PanamaPattie · 21/03/2021 16:50

I don't know why you married him but he won't change. Think about leaving him. How would your life improve?

DavidsSchitt · 21/03/2021 16:50

"I just feel like I deserve a bit of respect and our own family should come first."

You do. From him not from your MIL. He is the problem here. He's old enough to get married, parent a child but not to say, "oh sorry mum, just off out for a walk but I'll pop in when it's a better time."

You're OP is all about the chores you're left with. It's an issue and he shouldn't be leaving you to do it all.

This is a DH problem.

wandawombat · 21/03/2021 16:51

The absolutely best thing about my DH is that he's very aware of his DM's idiosyncrasies and has my back. It's priceless.

My in-laws have amazing boundaries, it's a lesson in how to manage relationships and I should have taken note years ago.

Original poster
Hadenough2021 · 21/03/2021 16:52

Piss off batman.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 21/03/2021 16:54

Rude.