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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and his creepy friends

234 replies

SeafoamGreen · 20/03/2021 07:17

DH and I have known each other for 3 years, been married for less than 1.

6 months ago, he started declining my advances to have sex and would spend hours every night sitting on the sofa scrolling through his phone and chatting with his friends.

At first I thought it was me, but as far as I know nothing has changed on my end.

So then I thought that he could be having an affair.

I know it’s wrong but I did read through his incoming notifications the other day while he was taking a nap. I didn’t see any indications of an affair but I did catch a glimpse of his group chat.

They were linking usernames on Reddit and Only Fans rating women and making comments like loose, butter face (?), has deepthroat clips and there was even this message where someone said he finally solved it and linked the Instagram and LinkedIn profile of this woman. Confused

Yesterday night I mentioned it and DH was angry at first storming off to the bedroom. 30 minutes later, he came back and said he didn’t like me looking at his phone (fair enough) but that it was just the boys doing their thing and that there was nothing he could do and that his only contribution (he scrolled through his phone here for me to see) was a comment saying zoom in on her computer screen you can see her work uniform in the reflection??

I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Sad

OP posts:
StormcloakNord · 22/03/2021 05:26

I also suggest, @SeafoamGreen , leaving that "relationship advice" group.

Agree with PP that sex isn't something to place value on. You do not have to be super "progressive" and indulge your partners gross behaviour under the pretence of being super cool and letting him explore his "kinks". That's absolute bullshit & I don't know how anyone could trot that out as genuine advice.

If your DH had any "kinks" and he was a decent man, he'd talk to you about it and gauge what you were comfortable with and more importantly he would do it with you, not away from you.

Raise your standards.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 22/03/2021 08:36

@SeafoamGreen Agree with @StormcloakNord. It's not kink shaming. He's stalking these women as a member of a group committed to revealing their identities IRL. He's chosen not to share that with you because he knows it's not simply a kink. You should leave the group you're currently in and perhaps take a look at the Feminist board here as a starting point if you need support.

Don't feel bad for leaving him. If you don't want in on the relationship then that's your call. And frankly, isn't it telling how your mother has responded to this? Outside of the relationship (and your support group) she sees his behaviour as disgusting.

You're not the bad guy here.

harknesswitch · 22/03/2021 09:57

Calling someone butter face is such a derogatory comment to make.... I'd be horrified if my dh said that about someone, or involved in a conversation like that. Loose is just as bad

He sound horrid op

turfsausage · 22/03/2021 10:15

Your mum sounds great though, I'm happy for you about that, a supportive mum is a great thing to have.

2late2fixate · 22/03/2021 10:34

@SeafoamGreen

Yes, mid 20s but DH is early 20s, no shared assets since we're renting. Spoke to my mum on the phone just now and sent her the photos I took of his phone. She's livid and has asked me to come home.

Your mum sounds fab. Consider it a lucky escape. You're so young you've got a wonderful life ahead of you without him.

The world is so tough now for young women.

Good luck OP. You're so strong!

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2021 10:41

@SaxonRock

Sex negative my arse.....This sort of dog shit is spouted by desperate women who will tolerate anything just to keep a relationship going.

This 💯

Never heard 'sex negative' before

But I agree with the above posters

2late2fixate · 22/03/2021 10:42

@SeafoamGreen

I still remember back when I found out about that OF link sent from that IRL acquaintance. Confided in a separate online group with mostly women and was told that I was being sex negative and jealous. Thought of leaving too but I thought it was a 'me' problem I had to work on.

It's really sad that women are perpetuating this nonsense.

OP, don't feel embarrassed about marrying him. So many women have a prick or two in their past that they escaped. You should be so proud of how you're handling it now.

Hold your head up high and leave him where he belongs in the gutter.

And don't get drawn into drama with him or anyone else. Leave with class and dignity. You've got this. Lean on your mum- she sounds fab.

💐

Lovedove · 22/03/2021 10:42

@harknesswitch

Calling someone butter face is such a derogatory comment to make.... I'd be horrified if my dh said that about someone, or involved in a conversation like that. Loose is just as bad

He sound horrid op

Agree and how do the relationship group with a feminist slant justify derogatory phrases like ‘butterface’ about women?? They sound awful and the opposite of feminists. Please exit that group. See what normal women think on here - Unanimous disgust. We would also leave him. Keep strong op and lean on your great mum
Nanny0gg · 22/03/2021 10:44

This is a 'minefield' for me (I'm not even sure if that's the right word?). I've been part of this relationship advice group with a feminist slant according to the bio and when it comes to porn, Only Fans, Reddit the consensus was that it was controlling to limit someone's kink and that if you're not willing to explore it with them you shouldn't shame them for it and let them explore elsewhere or online.

Let them 'explore it elsewhere'?
Oh yes. Let them find someone to exploit. And some 'kinks' need more than controlling and shaming...

Also, they can do what they like (legally) but you don't have to stand by and watch

muckyhoover · 22/03/2021 11:03

OP. Please believe that:

  • You are not stupid
  • You are not overreacting
  • You are not in any way the 'bad guy'
  • Not wanting to do pornified sex acts is not 'insecure' -it's normal.
  • Not wanting your partner and his friends to discuss other women in degrading terms makes you a decent human being, not 'sex negative' or any other bollocks.

You deserve better. Listen to your mum- she sounds like a strong and sensible woman. Don't listen to your soon-to-be-ex husband. He will try to minimise his behaviour and make you doubt yourself.

Hamsterfan · 22/03/2021 11:05

@SeafoamGreen another one saying well done you. It’s NOT you it’s definitely him and his mates and that weird sounding group you’ve been a part of. You are not being sex negative or kink shaming you are recognising that his behaviour has moved so far over one of your boundaries that there is no going back.
Please don’t worry that you will “be blamed for ended it” Blamed by who? What business is it of theirs anyway? As it is a short marriage and no real financial entanglement hopefully it will be fairly easy to extricate yourself.

me4real · 22/03/2021 11:10

This is a 'minefield' for me (I'm not even sure if that's the right word?). I've been part of this relationship advice group with a feminist slant according to the bio and when it comes to porn, Only Fans, Reddit the consensus was that it was controlling to limit someone's kink and that if you're not willing to explore it with them you shouldn't shame them for it and let them explore elsewhere or online.

@SeafoamGreen This isn't feminism. The people who benefit from this 'feminism' are men. It just shows how much a lot of feminism has been subverted to serve male desires and their sense of entitlement.

The 'sexual revolution' was used to serve men. We are called 'repressed' etc if we're not ok with whatever a bloke wants to do- what bollox.

Women have a right to sexual boundaries/feelings of discomfort. True feminism is asserting women's right to say no or to feel uncomfortable with stuff a bloke is doing. It's ok to think something is not ok. x

BrownFootStool · 22/03/2021 11:27

You aren't a 'bad guy'.

So what if he does try to say the break up is your fault. It is your 'fault' in that you are not happy and want to leave-- but that isn't a bad thing. It is ok to want to leave for any reason. You deserve to be happy.

theleafandnotthetree · 22/03/2021 11:29

As for you being seen as 'the bad guy', literally who cares? What people think about the situation is none of your business, can't be controlled and is of little importance in terms of the bigger picture. Which is that you will be free of a relationship with a sleazy bastard and free of the yuckiness of him and his friends. I feel dirty just reading it, you have had to be right up close to it. I do think that you need to do some work on your expectations and standards (too low) and on what YOU want and expect from a relationship. There IS a generational drift towards accepting things which those of us older and wiser know are wrong and corrupting but you don't have to play that game

babbaloushka · 22/03/2021 11:42

It's appalling, disgusting behaviour. Hope your solicitor can offer good advice but you are NOT the bad guy. I would absolutely not stay with this man, nor, I'm sure, would most others.

Hotcuppatea · 22/03/2021 11:47

What a sleaze. Yuck. Finding all of that, and his subsequent pathetic excuses to normalise it, would be a massive turn off for me. I'm not sure I could come back from it.

lubeybooby · 22/03/2021 11:54

he needs to tell them this isn't acceptable - basically doxxing women like that

There was a lot of talk after Sarah Everard where men were asking what they could do to help women feel safer.

One thing that repeatedly came up is to stand up against things like this instead of joining in. If your friends are giving off signs of stalkerish behaviour, crossing boundaries, doxxing, lack of respect etc you man the fuck up and tell them exactly like it is

If he won't do that, do you really want to be with someone so spineless, someone contributing to women getting harassed? Ew.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 22/03/2021 11:57

Absolutely revolting. I would leave him.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 22/03/2021 12:01

And I just googled the meaning of that phrase he used - don't want to repeat it here. Really misogynistic and nasty.

ScrambledSmegs · 22/03/2021 12:10

'Kink-shaming' Hmm

It's perfectly fine to not feel comfortable about certain paraphilias, particularly if they're non-consensual and/or harmful to others. I don't think stalking is a kink though.

I hope you're ok OP. I don't think your amendments change anything.

GravityFalls · 22/03/2021 12:11

If you want a female relationships board that will totally validate you and show you're in the right, www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ is the place to be! None of this simpering shitty "feminism is about choices" pandering to men rubbish.

RantyAnty · 22/03/2021 12:53

@GravityFalls

If you want a female relationships board that will totally validate you and show you're in the right, www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ is the place to be! None of this simpering shitty "feminism is about choices" pandering to men rubbish.
2nd this group. It's a great women positive place.
Nancydrawn · 22/03/2021 12:59

Online stalking of sex workers isn't a kink.

No one who is actually sex positive would support that kind of behavior. Even those who are all up for being GGG say, Dan Savage would be horrified by your husband's behavior. Actually, especially people like him. Because this is the antithesis of healthy respect for each other's sexual differences.

I'm not of that world, but I know enough to know that kink depends on respect, consent, and trust. What your husband does violates all of that.

And it doesn't much matter whether he's doing it on reddit or by text. It's not okay.

Swordfish1 · 22/03/2021 14:45

Your husband and his friends are exactly what is wrong with society right now. Has he not been aware of the news? They are all vile, disgusting creeps.

This. I'm so sorry OP.

I had a dp who was in a group chat with 'the lads' and all sorts of crap was posted between them. My dp didn't post anything like that or comment on that stuff as he showed me the messages. However, he still didn't call his mates out on their behaviour which I told him was basically just as bad and he was a total wimp for not doing so.

His solution was to just leave the group. He didn't want to lose face by telling them they were being disrespectful and tbh downright vile.

At least he left the group I suppose, but I would have respected him so much more if he'd told them they were being pricks.

Swordfish1 · 22/03/2021 15:14

A part of me is still afraid that I'm the 'bad guy' here and that I'll be blamed for leaving.

You are 100% not the bad guy here. Do not blame yourself, not one little bit.
The responses on here are unanimous. We'd all have left.
You deserve so much better. This is ALL on him, not you.