DH and his creepy friends

[SeafoamGreen]

DH and I have known each other for 3 years, been married for less than 1.

6 months ago, he started declining my advances to have sex and would spend hours every night sitting on the sofa scrolling through his phone and chatting with his friends.

At first I thought it was me, but as far as I know nothing has changed on my end.

So then I thought that he could be having an affair.

I know it’s wrong but I did read through his incoming notifications the other day while he was taking a nap. I didn’t see any indications of an affair but I did catch a glimpse of his group chat.

They were linking usernames on Reddit and Only Fans rating women and making comments like loose, butter face (?), has deepthroat clips and there was even this message where someone said he finally solved it and linked the Instagram and LinkedIn profile of this woman.

Yesterday night I mentioned it and DH was angry at first storming off to the bedroom. 30 minutes later, he came back and said he didn’t like me looking at his phone (fair enough) but that it was just the boys doing their thing and that there was nothing he could do and that his only contribution (he scrolled through his phone here for me to see) was a comment saying zoom in on her computer screen you can see her work uniform in the reflection??

I feel so uncomfortable with it all.

Right, now I’ve read the OP’s posts.

OP, good, I hope you do divorce this nasty misogynistic creep.

One thought struck me. Catch a man out doing something nasty, creepy and dodgy and they tell you, ‘you’re being silly, all men do this, it’s nothing,’ but as soon as women get fed up with mens’ nasty, creepy, dodgy behaviour and start making a fuss about it, the very same men say, ‘it’s not all men who do that.’ Funny that, isn’t it?

Glad you told your mum and are leaving him.

He and his friends sound pornsick. They prefer porn to actual women.

They also sound like the type to harass and send vile messages to women online. Stalking and deliberately trying to find info on them is stalking and creepy.

And no men don't see it as just a job. They wouldn't say such hateful and derogatory things about them.
I think porn brings out a deep hatred towards women. They have no self control but instead of doing something about it, they blame and hate women for the temptation.

OP good for you, you sound like you've got your head screwed on and your mum seems to have your best interests at heart. You're very young, plenty of time to make a good life for yourself and meet someone else x

Why did you marry him, did he seem more mature then?

Really hope that wasn't intended to be as catty and victim blaming as it came across

You have a cynical mind! It was a genuine question. Victim blaming? Really?

This is awful. Terrifying, actually.

No wonder women rarely feel safe.

Why are they looking up places of work? What do they do with that information?
Or is it some kind of sick power trip knowing that they have access to their personal information?

Bloody terrifying.

One thought struck me. Catch a man out doing something nasty, creepy and dodgy and they tell you, ‘you’re being silly, all men do this, it’s nothing,’ but as soon as women get fed up with mens’ nasty, creepy, dodgy behaviour and start making a fuss about it, the very same men say, ‘it’s not all men who do that.’ Funny that, isn’t it?

Well if that's not a lightbulb moment I don't know what is, excellent point Whatisthisfuckery!

Don't think of your marriage as a mistake. It's a life lesson, so move on.
There's loads of smart people giving excellent advice on here.
You have a safe home to go to. No emotional, financial or legal ties to this man. No children. Consider it a lucky escape.
Definitely learn from it though, 'Marry in haste, Repent at leisure.'

You did some right stuff too. Your 'spidey sense' picked up a problem. You investigated. You came to a good place for advice.

Best wishes.

@SeafoamGreen

Made me really uncomfortable since I found out. Previously the one conflict we had was when Only Fans was really blowing up and someone we knew IRL was getting into it and she sent everyone a link to sub to her. DH subbed to support her (his words) but he promised me he didn't look even though he didn't understand why I was so upset since sex work was just work like any other job.

Well, there's your answer.

The hills are thataway >>>>>>>>>

@Weirdfan

One thought struck me. Catch a man out doing something nasty, creepy and dodgy and they tell you, ‘you’re being silly, all men do this, it’s nothing,’ but as soon as women get fed up with mens’ nasty, creepy, dodgy behaviour and start making a fuss about it, the very same men say, ‘it’s not all men who do that.’ Funny that, isn’t it?

Well if that's not a lightbulb moment I don't know what is, excellent point Whatisthisfuckery!

Spells it out very well indeed

I'd be making sure everyone in your joint social circles know why you're divorcing him too, as well as who his creepy friends are.
You have the screenshots, you won't be defaming them as it's true.
It's so important to call this behaviour out, good luck OP.

Leave the vile, misogynistic bastard.

“Don't think of your marriage as a mistake. It's a life lesson, so move on.
There's loads of smart people giving excellent advice on here.
You have a safe home to go to. No emotional, financial or legal ties to this man. No children. Consider it a lucky escape.
Definitely learn from it though, 'Marry in haste, Repent at leisure.'

You did some right stuff too. Your 'spidey sense' picked up a problem. You investigated. You came to a good place for advice.”

This with bells on, OP. Get cracking on the divorce. You’ll be fine.

@Whatisthisfuckery

Right, now I’ve read the OP’s posts.

OP, good, I hope you do divorce this nasty misogynistic creep.

One thought struck me. Catch a man out doing something nasty, creepy and dodgy and they tell you, ‘you’re being silly, all men do this, it’s nothing,’ but as soon as women get fed up with mens’ nasty, creepy, dodgy behaviour and start making a fuss about it, the very same men say, ‘it’s not all men who do that.’ Funny that, isn’t it?

As Weirdfan said, total lightbulb moment!

Round of applause, Whatisthisfuckery, thank you for that.

There’s no innocent reason why they would be trying to find out where these women work, it’s either to turn up there themselves and harass them or it’s to blackmail and/expose them. That’s the biggest issue imo, because it shows a hatred for women and that him and his friends are predatory and dangerous.

Run, so fast from this creep. Maybe warn this woman that a group of men have tracked her down through her posts.

He’s a really horrible creep. I wouldn’t be with someone who behaved that way.

SeafoamGreen so sorry for the situation but so glad to hear you recognise your mariage is dead in the water and will be leaving. Sounds like it will be as straightforward as it can be, with no assets and no DC, think of it as a lucky escape.

It is sickening though. The number of men who objectify women like this, who are apparently unwilling or unable to relate to real women as actual human beings, is so deeply concerning. And the whole normalisation of “sex work” is really fuelling these men’s dehumanisation of women.

I used to think we were making progress as a society. Now I don’t know where the fuck it’s all going.

So your DP and his friends are stalking a woman?

I still remember back when I found out about that OF link sent from that IRL acquaintance. Confided in a separate online group with mostly women and was told that I was being sex negative and jealous. Thought of leaving too but I thought it was a 'me' problem I had to work on.

There aren't enough words to describe how much I hate that 'all men do it' excuse.
They really don't.
No shame in saying you made a mistake marrying this man and better to get out early. Glad you have the support of your mum.
If you were my daughter I would be bloody livid too.
There's better out there for you op.

'Sex negative' lol. Well righty-ho then. They're welcome to those men. I think you need to get yourself to the Women's Rights forum here.

@B33Fr33

Run, so fast from this creep. Maybe warn this woman that a group of men have tracked her down through her posts.

I did send her a message telling her that her LinkedIn was found from her name in her Instagram profile but she replied that it's an empty LinkedIn with nothing in it which is true I guess as it's just her name there and nothing else and then she blocked me.

OP I'm going to say something that might seem like a side issue

Please don't get married "on a whim". I seriously considered marriage at one point in my 20s. I'd have half the flat and half the savings if I'd gone ahead. It matters - more if you have less money!

It's a legal and financial contract. Don't do it on a whim unless you have too many billions to count!

@SeafoamGreen

Yes, mid 20s but DH is early 20s, no shared assets since we're renting. Spoke to my mum on the phone just now and sent her the photos I took of his phone. She's livid and has asked me to come home.

As I suspected. This LiveCam shit has been brewing for years and is now so commonplace that some men think nothing if it. I think your generation has seriously gone down the pan when it comes to women's rights. It's more like men's rights with a new, wokey, trendy label on it (and anyone who object is labelled as opressive). I'm a millennial and I think you might be surrounded by Gen Z, but this affects my age group too.

It might have started when I was at uni actually. I liked the aesthetics of the burlesque scene and it drew a lit of women, but agreed with some critics who called it a middle class, more acceptable form of stripping. The LiveCam thing is just on another level thpugh. It's so incredibly corrosive and it makes me sick that people want to normalise it amongst women, especially women who are students at university.

It's not your DH friends who are creepy. He is exactly the same. Dump him. And be glad you dont have any kids with him yet.