DH and his creepy friends

[SeafoamGreen]

DH and I have known each other for 3 years, been married for less than 1.

6 months ago, he started declining my advances to have sex and would spend hours every night sitting on the sofa scrolling through his phone and chatting with his friends.

At first I thought it was me, but as far as I know nothing has changed on my end.

So then I thought that he could be having an affair.

I know it’s wrong but I did read through his incoming notifications the other day while he was taking a nap. I didn’t see any indications of an affair but I did catch a glimpse of his group chat.

They were linking usernames on Reddit and Only Fans rating women and making comments like loose, butter face (?), has deepthroat clips and there was even this message where someone said he finally solved it and linked the Instagram and LinkedIn profile of this woman.

Yesterday night I mentioned it and DH was angry at first storming off to the bedroom. 30 minutes later, he came back and said he didn’t like me looking at his phone (fair enough) but that it was just the boys doing their thing and that there was nothing he could do and that his only contribution (he scrolled through his phone here for me to see) was a comment saying zoom in on her computer screen you can see her work uniform in the reflection??

I feel so uncomfortable with it all.

I'm packing my stuff and he's panicked and messaged me a long screenshot of the conversation. As far as I can see the zoom in comment was in response to her caption of 'sick of working at x so here's some nudes' and the follow up comment from his friend was 'oh ok it's not a fake account'.

From what I've gathered they look for the original Instagram where the OF was promoted to make sure it's not 'some pornstar masquerading as a regular person for extra cash'??

Still bloody vile and I'm still leaving.

I really can't stand 'laddish' behaviour like this.

Why do men turn into 14 year olds around their friends?!!

Good news is you've only been married a year and have no shared assets. Should be easier to get a divorce.

Good for you OP. I wish I would have had your self-respect when I was your age. I might have saved my self 4 years of being gaslighted by my dirty ex, who cheated on me and messaged "MySpace models" (showing my age there 😅) all the time.

@SeafoamGreen

I'm packing my stuff and he's panicked and messaged me a long screenshot of the conversation. As far as I can see the zoom in comment was in response to her caption of 'sick of working at x so here's some nudes' and the follow up comment from his friend was 'oh ok it's not a fake account'.

From what I've gathered they look for the original Instagram where the OF was promoted to make sure it's not 'some pornstar masquerading as a regular person for extra cash'??

Still bloody vile and I'm still leaving.

Why does it matter whether they are real or a porn star ( who is also real?!) does it make them more horny that it’s a regular woman. They sound like a bunch of weirdos

Leave he's a dirty bastard and probably hump in around,he'll be more secretive now he knows to hide it

Good on you for leaving. And when people ask why you did, tell them - he is so addicted to online porn that he can’t have sex IRL.

Really creepy predatory weirdos.
Good on you for packing your shit and getting back to mums

What creeps, the lots of them! Good on you for leaving. I’d send the screenshots to their partners as well and they can know how disgusting these men really are.

Really weird.

I don't know any men who do this (all in 30s). It's creepy and immature.

You're right that this isn't a marriage OP.

@SeafoamGreen I was you a few years ago, although not married. I feel really sad for you because I remember that awful awful feeling of realising who you've been sharing your life with. When I see my ex now, I just thinks he's a loser, a really sad, desperate individual who will never be happy with anybody. Never blame or compare yourself, these men are incapable of having a normal, functioning relationship because of their fucking weird, creepy ways.

Tbf you made three years, a lot of marriages dont even last that. You gave it the old college try...and he turned out to be a shit. Theres no shame in leaving. It's dead in the water anyway if the sex has been gone six months (...its likely cause he has developed a porn habit. On these poor women who he objectifies).

Chalk this one up to 'some of it was fun while it lasted and the rest was a learning experience in what I don't want next time I date'.

@moggiek

Good on you for leaving. And when people ask why you did, tell them - he is so addicted to online porn that he can’t have sex IRL.

This! Basically he is a wanker. As I said upthread, I knew someone like this. Turns out he's an incel/pervert/has paedo tendencies.

I feel so sorry for his next 'victim' as he's a dirty slimeball and I bet my last penny he has his eyes on her teen DD.

@LunaHeather

OP I'm going to say something that might seem like a side issue

Please don't get married "on a whim". I seriously considered marriage at one point in my 20s. I'd have half the flat and half the savings if I'd gone ahead. It matters - more if you have less money!

It's a legal and financial contract. Don't do it on a whim unless you have too many billions to count!

Nobody is more aware of this right now than the OP, we all do things that we come to regret. The relationships board is full of people struggling and thinking of leaving, married the wrong person etc!

Glad you’re leaving. How disgusting. Awful that he justifies this sort of attitude towards women as ‘boys being boys’. Complete creeps, him and all his grim friends.

Glad you’re leaving. Don’t go back.

@FurierTransform

The group chat I wouldn't be too concerned about - that's probably been going on for ages with that group of friends. You may disapprove but it is what it is.

I'd be more worried about him distancing himself from you 6 months ago - anything else happen around then? That's a classic symptom of him being in a dark place.

What a ridiculous post! Why should she be worried about him "distancing himself" from her? The further away from this twat the better.

"It is what it is"

FFS.

Thank fuck you have enough sense to get out of this sham of a marriage. Never look back.

Sounds horrible.

Confided in a separate online group with mostly women and was told that I was being sex negative and jealous. Thought of leaving too but I thought it was a 'me' problem I had to work on.

This makes me so sad. So many young women have been tricked into thinking that they are the ones with the problem, even when their boyfriends/husbands engage in the most vile and depraved stuff. Do you think he would have been totally cool with you sharing porn and explicit pictures of men with your friends? Of course he wouldn't.

“I think your generation has seriously gone down the pan when it comes to women's rights. It's more like men's rights with a new, wokey, trendy label on it (and anyone who object is labelled as opressive).”

This. Especially around sex. I am deeply worried about some of the attitudes and practices which are being normalised, particularly on the rough sex front.

“So many young women have been tricked into thinking that they are the ones with the problem, even when their boyfriends/husbands engage in the most vile and depraved stuff. Do you think he would have been totally cool with you sharing porn and explicit pictures of men with your friends? Of course he wouldn't.”

This, too.

Hes got a porn addiction. If its affecting sex with you. Bet he doesnt spend all those hours on the settee chatting with his friends. They're all that way inclined which is very creepy, I agree with you

what does it matter-a pornstar" is still a human being i dont get his logic

Yuck. I would be out of there too OP.

If that's how he and his friends entertain themselves imagine how they act on nights out together.

Good luck