DH and his creepy friends

[SeafoamGreen]

DH and I have known each other for 3 years, been married for less than 1.

6 months ago, he started declining my advances to have sex and would spend hours every night sitting on the sofa scrolling through his phone and chatting with his friends.

At first I thought it was me, but as far as I know nothing has changed on my end.

So then I thought that he could be having an affair.

I know it’s wrong but I did read through his incoming notifications the other day while he was taking a nap. I didn’t see any indications of an affair but I did catch a glimpse of his group chat.

They were linking usernames on Reddit and Only Fans rating women and making comments like loose, butter face (?), has deepthroat clips and there was even this message where someone said he finally solved it and linked the Instagram and LinkedIn profile of this woman.

Yesterday night I mentioned it and DH was angry at first storming off to the bedroom. 30 minutes later, he came back and said he didn’t like me looking at his phone (fair enough) but that it was just the boys doing their thing and that there was nothing he could do and that his only contribution (he scrolled through his phone here for me to see) was a comment saying zoom in on her computer screen you can see her work uniform in the reflection??

I feel so uncomfortable with it all.

@Unanananana

Your husband and his friends are exactly what is wrong with society right now. Has he not been aware of the news? They are all vile, disgusting creeps.

I don't know how you can even stand to look at him, let alone be near him or be upset he is refusing sex. I hope that you never have a daughter. How would you feel knowing thats how he sees women therefore you and his own potential child?

Spot on, this made me skin crawl thinking of the news and what is wrong with society!!

Ugh < NOT envy

Divorce him now

He's disgusting, OP, and you are right to bin him.

I wouldn't hold out much hope for his shitty behaviour making any difference to a divorce settlement, though. Short marriage + no children = you both get what you started with (the law doesn't care if someone has been a shit).

Yes, mid 20s but DH is early 20s, no shared assets since we're renting. Spoke to my mum on the phone just now and sent her the photos I took of his phone. She's livid and has asked me to come home.

Disgusting. Take your mums advice, gather your stuff and go home. Do any of the other “men” have partners? I’d be telling them too.

This stuff makes my skin crawl. If I found out my partner had been engaging in these conversations I don't think I could even look at him again let alone share a bed with him. Grim.

I'd listen to your mum. It sounds like this isn't the only thing wrong with the relationship.

Sorry that probably came across a bit callous. for you OP, you deserve so so much more than this. Be grateful that you found out when you did

You’re young. You have no assets together. Sounds like you don’t have kids. Run like the wind. This isn’t ok. You deserve better.

This is your get-out-of-jail free card, OP.
I was in a similar position to you, though I had a newborn baby. I walked and never looked back. I went home to mum! I was a young mum in my 20s and I felt so utterly broken and betrayed, but I completely healed and moved on.
I'm almost 50 now and I do sometimes reflect on my first marriage and think, "Phew! Bullet dodged! Big time!" Open your heart to someone loving, someone who values women, and you above all. You only have one go at this blessing called life. Do your best to make sure it's a happy, enriching one. It's not a dress rehearsal. No time bandits like your current husband, please. Don't allow him or his kind back into your life. They are time wasters.
Honestly, don't worry about assets. Get shot of him as quickly as possible and move on. Don't become a prisoner to a long, drawn-out court battle over nothing. It should be a pretty straightforward divorce. I think most mothers here of adult sons (I am one) would agree; his actions are hideous and abnormal. This is not 'typical blokes' behaviour unless the blokes are misogynist assholes. I'm so sorry that you gave your heart and trust to someone who doesn't know how to take care of either. But you are young with a whole life ahead of you. Be glad you're not dragging yourself down with him. That would be truly awful. You'd never forgive yourself for staying.

Why did you marry him, did he seem more mature then?

Sex work is just like any other work apparently...

But they are not trawling LinkedIn trying to find the home address of accountants are they?

Good luck OP.

Sorry your going through this.

The only fans thing would have me livid and the fact your not intimate anymore, think in your situation I would be off.

Listen to your mum and go home.

Get your ducks in a row and then go back to your mum. Do you have a joint account?

Your so very lucky you didn't have children with this thing!

We got married on a whim and I did regret it but felt that it was embarrassing to leave because my mum has always said that he's immature (he's always polite to her but acted nonchalant and rude when she ran into him when he was out with his friends) and I didn't want her to 'win'. Really stupid of me tbh.

I'd not heard of Only Fans until recently. Basically subscription porn. Why women would want to do this is beyond me .. unless they are already experienced sex workers and understand the industry and risks. Scary is that young women / girls may think it's an easy way to make some cash and it all go horribly wrong.
Your DH & his mates are fuelling a disgusting attitude towards women.
Real sex will have seemed dull in comparison.
That's no marriage. Well done for leaving.

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they choose to keep.

@pinkyredrose

Why did you marry him, did he seem more mature then?

I was stupid and thought that if we got married he would mature. Clearly not.

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape then OP.

The old boys will be boys bullshit that is given as an excuse for mysogony.

Sorry he's such a creep. You're young. Don't be saddled with him for any longer!

I wouldn’t feel embarrassed, it happens to loads of people and it’s for the best if you are not happy.

Your at a good stage in life to move on with someone who will make you happy 😃

Ugh, how repulsive. I'm glad to see that you've decided to bin him off.

Trust me, however much it hurts for your mum to have been proven right about him, you'll be so much better off without him in the long run!

I have a female relative who nearly fell into your trap - she got engaged to her boyfriend of 5 weeks, against her parents' advice - her mum said they had to wait at least 6m before they'd countenance the engagement. Relative was 17 at the time. Anyway, they waited the 6m and got engaged, although by then relative was a little less enamoured - however, she too didn't want her mother to "win" and went ahead with the engagement, even having to buy her own ring. She couldn't bear to lose face :(
Luckily for her (although it didn't feel like it at the time) her parents refused to even consider allowing them to actually get married for at least another year, by which time he was cheating on her, so she was able to ditch him. Even though it hurt, she confided in me that it was a huge relief too, because she'd realised that her parents were right but couldn't bear to back down because she'd fought so hard and insisted that this was The One.

Parents didn't rub it in - they were just glad that she'd had a narrow escape. Hopefully your mum will be the same.

Him and his creepy friends are vile. Good for you getting rid. At least you found out now what a woman objectifying, disgusting specimen he is.

What hope is there for women if men think they can treat and objectify them like this. It really does fill you with despair.

it's good you found out before you had a baby with this vile piece of shit.

This is not a marriage you want to remain in. Only Fans is just another way to sexually exploit females further.

Why did you marry him, did he seem more mature then?

Really hope that wasn't intended to be as catty and victim blaming as it came across. 'Why then' means nothing to 'what now'. And you're doing what's best for you right now by leaving.

OP don't be ashamed or made to feel guilty as if it's your fault. You had reasons at the time. In hindsight, not all of them were the most helpful to you.

I know so many women who made mistakes with a 1st marriage and went on to have wonderful loving marriages 2nd time around because they never made those mistakes again. You will too.