Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and his creepy friends

234 replies

SeafoamGreen · 20/03/2021 07:17

DH and I have known each other for 3 years, been married for less than 1.

6 months ago, he started declining my advances to have sex and would spend hours every night sitting on the sofa scrolling through his phone and chatting with his friends.

At first I thought it was me, but as far as I know nothing has changed on my end.

So then I thought that he could be having an affair.

I know it’s wrong but I did read through his incoming notifications the other day while he was taking a nap. I didn’t see any indications of an affair but I did catch a glimpse of his group chat.

They were linking usernames on Reddit and Only Fans rating women and making comments like loose, butter face (?), has deepthroat clips and there was even this message where someone said he finally solved it and linked the Instagram and LinkedIn profile of this woman. Confused

Yesterday night I mentioned it and DH was angry at first storming off to the bedroom. 30 minutes later, he came back and said he didn’t like me looking at his phone (fair enough) but that it was just the boys doing their thing and that there was nothing he could do and that his only contribution (he scrolled through his phone here for me to see) was a comment saying zoom in on her computer screen you can see her work uniform in the reflection??

I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Sad

OP posts:
sage46 · 20/03/2021 15:38

It doesn't seem like he has any respect for women , including you. You are still so young and you don't mention children. Unless he makes a huge effort to change his behaviour and lose the 'friends' , I would get rid before you do have children and it becomes so much more complicated.

Twistered · 20/03/2021 15:54

Yuk.
Creeps .... Him included.
You've massive problems on your hands if you stay with him. He's disgusting and you'll be well rid

wishywashy6 · 20/03/2021 16:38

Grim. Absolute disrespect for women and incredibly immature. Not to mention highly unattractive 🤢

I've seen some pages on Facebook with similar content and where men judge and rate women by commenting which ones they'd put their penis in (lucky women)
It's not boys being boys, it's creeps being creeps.
I could not tolerate this. Honestly, I'd LTB

oldshoeuk · 20/03/2021 17:27

So this is as much a post about Only Fans as anything else. Well that's a site near the top of my hate list for lots of reasons.

It's sex work where people think they can earn a little money separate from their 'real' life. Just as revenge porn is so popular guys love nothing more than connecting these 'real women' to their very real lives. The excitements goes, surely one must be living fairly close to me? It's not a road that's ever going to lead anywhere nice in lots of ways.

Further on my hating is the money involved. Of course none of his mates or he is forking out the monthly membership fee? Yet somebody is, just never them.

I doubt the porn has anything to do with the nose diving sex life, but that is likely to improve any time soon.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/03/2021 12:47

@sagaLoren

Confided in a separate online group with mostly women and was told that I was being sex negative and jealous. Thought of leaving too but I thought it was a 'me' problem I had to work on.

This makes me so sad. So many young women have been tricked into thinking that they are the ones with the problem, even when their boyfriends/husbands engage in the most vile and depraved stuff. Do you think he would have been totally cool with you sharing porn and explicit pictures of men with your friends? Of course he wouldn't.

I second this. I shook my head at "sexy negative". So sad,
Mummacake · 21/03/2021 12:59

OP, so sorry this has happened to you but as many before me have said, it's a blessing - no kids, no shared assets. He's showing you who he really is, you should listen. Pack your stuff and go home. This is not normal behaviour from men and worryingly they are stalking individuals. Definitely report this to the police, humans his cronies, it's extremely worrying behaviour. Take care, you have a brilliant future away from this waste of space Flowers

SwimmingInToys · 21/03/2021 13:08

He sounds absolutely, absolutely horrible, as do his disgusting friends. I would run for the hills.

FWIW not all men are like this, my DH didn't know what Only Fans was until a few weeks ago, I mentioned it to him in passing and he'd never heard of it. He doesn't have Instagram or anything and if he did he wouldn't dream of following those working in the sex industry. He and his mates have a banter WhatsApp thread but it is for taking the mick out of each other, discussing normal life stuff, work, cars they like, football, holidays. Not ripping apart every details of random women trying to make money from sex work and trying to expose them. Your DH trying to degrade them further by invading their privacy, how fucking dare he? Utter prick.

He's not perfect but he respects women as equals as friends and as a partner. There are plenty of men out there like him and you can find one.

yetmorecrap · 21/03/2021 15:15

Yep file for divorce OP, he’s a childish sleazebag still at the level of needing to be ‘part of the gang’ — these types don’t change , they are like it when they are 50. mind you before I did file I would send a text or WhatsApp to his mates saying ‘andrew’ talks a good story but sadly he’s not actually interested in sex and struggles with it’ - what a bunch of sleazy shits you are- I will also be informing your partners. ‘ might just be me but I couldn’t resist it!!

CaesarsDream · 21/03/2021 15:47

Again, I had an ex like this who has a teen DD. He turned out to be a covert narc. Publically discarded me for another woman. Thus far it looks as though he's interested in her teen DD. 🙁🤢 It's also been proven to me that he is a narc rather than just an 'unpleasant person'.

Please take care OP. Stay safe Flowers

Original poster
SeafoamGreen · 21/03/2021 15:49

I fucked up. When I made this post yesterday I was stressed and agitated and I guess I made changes to some details as I was afraid that someone would tell me that it’s not that bad and that I wouldn’t feel validated in my leaving DH. It’s unforgivable and not an excuse and I feel like shite and need so here we go.

I didn’t see any indications of an affair but I did catch a glimpse of his group chat.

It was his Reddit username I saw in a notification alongside ones of his friend sending him Only Fans and Reddit links with their personal commentary.

they were linking usernames on Reddit and Only Fans rating women and making comments like loose, butter face (?), has deepthroat clips

Those comments were things he’d upvoted on Reddit.

and there was even this message where someone said he finally solved it and linked the Instagram and LinkedIn profile of this woman.

This was a poster's response to another poster asking for the OP’s Instagram on a NSFW post that he upvoted.

that his only contribution (he scrolled through his phone here for me to see) was a comment saying zoom in on her computer screen you can see her work uniform in the reflection??

I asked about his account and this was his only comment and it was on a post with the caption ‘sick of working at x so here’s some nudes’ when someone doubted the caption and thought it was a ‘staged’ porn shoot.

I'm packing my stuff and he's panicked and messaged me a long screenshot of the conversation.

He sent me his Reddit and Only Fans log in details.

Everything else is accurate.

Now that I’ve calmed down and am with my mum I’ve had a bit of time this morning and reported all posts I could see linking Instagrams on Reddit or Only Fans post. Bare minimum but I couldn’t sit still and felt like I had to do something.

It’s still vile and grim to me and I’m an idiot and I shouldn’t have posted what I did in the first place. Maybe to others I am being sex negative and jealous and prudish and this isn’t a valid reason to leave but my mum knows he’s ‘participating’ in porn and I guess it makes me feel like I'm not just leaving for no reason because of my own issues.

I'm so stupid.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 21/03/2021 15:52

These youngish girls doing this are I think seriously, seriously going to regret this a few years down the line— decent men may sadly enjoy a good wank over you- they won’t however want their mum or brother or even friends knowing you were in that game.

CaesarsDream · 21/03/2021 15:54

@SeafoamGreen It's called having self-respect. I'm very kinky, but I draw the line at this. Vile.

Candyfloss99 · 21/03/2021 16:25

The changes you made don't really make a difference to the crux of the story so it's all fine. I'm glad you're leaving him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/03/2021 16:26

I think you need to sack this thirsty piece of shit off and while you're at it sack off your 'friends'.

Sex negative my arse.....This sort of dog shit is spouted by desperate women who will tolerate anything just to keep a relationship going.

I wouldn't be able to respect someone like this never mind share my life and my body with them.

Divorce was invented for window licking knuckle draggers like your H. Get rid sis!

Zucker · 21/03/2021 16:49

You can leave someone for what ever reasons you want. You don't need anyone elses permission for that. If this makes you uncomfortable you are right to leave.

I'm delighted you have left for what its worth. They all sound like sex pests doing their little investigations about these women.

yetmorecrap · 21/03/2021 17:15

Lovely— you really don’t need to justify why you want to leave— it’s not a court of law, it doesn’t require evidence. If you find it completely not ok it doesn’t matter if everyone else on here thinks you are over reacting - you have to live with him, go to bed with him, spend tons of time with him- not anyone on here

SaxonRock · 21/03/2021 17:22

Sex negative my arse.....This sort of dog shit is spouted by desperate women who will tolerate anything just to keep a relationship going.

This 💯

Midtowngirl · 21/03/2021 17:55

But just for the record - I believe 100 % of women on here would also leave him!

Midtowngirl · 21/03/2021 17:56

@SaxonRock

Sex negative my arse.....This sort of dog shit is spouted by desperate women who will tolerate anything just to keep a relationship going.

This 💯

And agree some women have jaw droppingly low standards
abeanbaked · 21/03/2021 18:15

@SeafoamGreen I'm sorry but it is unlikely he is only 'liking and upvoting' things without actively participating in similar things, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He still sounds like a childish loser.

abeanbaked · 21/03/2021 18:16

Also, for this reason, I really don't think you are over reacting and you should get rid. If not, you'll find yourself in a similar situation with him again soon enough.

ItscoldinAlaska · 21/03/2021 18:16

OP - The sex negative point is probably the most depressing, reductive thing I have read on here. Let me tell you something I have learnt, the hard way, in my 4 decades.

Sex isn't something you place a value on - it isn't something to make you less or more, or tied up with your self worth or make you an object or something that makes you money or purely there to service someone else. Your sex life is YOUR sex life. You have autonomy. It belongs to you.

It is a physical act that provides pleasure and bonding with another and/or you use it to procreate. Everything else they try to 'sell' you about sex is absolute nonsense. You are as entitled to partake in as much or as little as you want as long as you ferl safe. Your body, you use sex for yourself in a way that you like. This bullshit that you have to be cool or accepting of anything to do with sex is just that...bullshit. You are not sex negative if you say no and you have red lines. If it makes you uncomfortable, it feels abusive or exploitative then it is. Nobody can take away how you feel about it. Nobody can feel what you feel.

Original poster
SeafoamGreen · 22/03/2021 04:48

@ItscoldinAlaska

OP - The sex negative point is probably the most depressing, reductive thing I have read on here. Let me tell you something I have learnt, the hard way, in my 4 decades.

Sex isn't something you place a value on - it isn't something to make you less or more, or tied up with your self worth or make you an object or something that makes you money or purely there to service someone else. Your sex life is YOUR sex life. You have autonomy. It belongs to you.

It is a physical act that provides pleasure and bonding with another and/or you use it to procreate. Everything else they try to 'sell' you about sex is absolute nonsense. You are as entitled to partake in as much or as little as you want as long as you ferl safe. Your body, you use sex for yourself in a way that you like. This bullshit that you have to be cool or accepting of anything to do with sex is just that...bullshit. You are not sex negative if you say no and you have red lines. If it makes you uncomfortable, it feels abusive or exploitative then it is. Nobody can take away how you feel about it. Nobody can feel what you feel.

This is a 'minefield' for me (I'm not even sure if that's the right word?). I've been part of this relationship advice group with a feminist slant according to the bio and when it comes to porn, Only Fans, Reddit the consensus was that it was controlling to limit someone's kink and that if you're not willing to explore it with them you shouldn't shame them for it and let them explore elsewhere or online.

The type of things he's been upvoting and his friends are linking are things I wouldn't do because it's bloody painful and the women in the pictures are physically very dissimilar to me so I thought it was just my insecurities coming out and that that was something I had to work on to improve the relationship.

My mum's given me the contact of a solicitor and we'll be calling him this afternoon. A part of me is still afraid that I'm the 'bad guy' here and that I'll be blamed for leaving.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 22/03/2021 05:04

This is online stalkingConfused

To spend so much time as a group doing this, they're taking it seriously.

I truly hope they don't manage to find out personal details of any woman on there, and if they do and make it known, then they are reported.

If it were me I'd want the woman who's LinkedIn etc has been traced, to be alerted. Did you take screenshots of the messages?

Sorry you've found yourself with a creep like this. I hope you get away from him. He and his friends are weirdos.

StormcloakNord · 22/03/2021 05:19

This is absolutely awful. Honestly if I found out DH was engaging in this sort of thing/chat I'd divorce him. It would kill me but there's no chance I could stay with a man like that.

It's so dehumanising & disgusting and I would be willing to bet my house that he's done so much more than what he's telling you. Subbing to an OnlyFans and not looking? Absolute bullshit. Some of the subreddits on Reddit can get really explicit too, there's and endless source of "real women" porn on there.

I'm really sorry OP, this must be shit/a shock with you but I think you know if you stay with this man this will come up time and time again as something to argue/feel like shit about. Don't do it to yourself, you deserve so much more.