Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lending spouse money

174 replies

crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 02:30

I’m a newly wed (4 months). Before we got married dh had told me he has loans/debts but is taking care of them.

Since corona and his work getting less he is more stressed with his financial situation and said he needs help. I already have taken out a loan in my name for him but now I have a feeling he will ask me to borrow him some money.

I don’t want to give it - I feel like I’ve been misled. I already took the loan out for him as I was getting a better rate but I have saved my money since I’ve worked and I feel I’m getting the short straw. Ever since we’ve been married it’s been grim add in lockdown it’s a recipe for disaster. I have savings and he has none.

Would you lend your dh large sums of money, and so early on? I feel this resentment brewing inside of me - I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.

OP posts:
DancesWithCatsnDogs · 20/03/2021 02:39

Don't do it. Never a borrower or lender be! If he has debt, he needs to get in touch with professional help, somewhere like DebtLine. He needs to own it and deal with it. Bailing him out doesn't teach him anything. I hope the loan wasn't too much. Do you know much about the previous debt? What, why and how much?
I'd feel resentful too!

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2021 02:41

Has he given you full and complete disclosure about his finances?

Original poster
crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 02:49

@DancesWithCatsnDogs the loan is nearly 18k. I’m not paying it - he is.

In his 20s he blew a lot of money and made bad investments. I don’t know the exact figure of the debt - tbh I thought he had it under control. Since we’ve been married I think I’ve made a mistake. He’s a lovely person but I’m not sure that’s enough for a marriage when he’s financial situation is in the dumps and I’m the total opposite. I have a lot of savings and a decent job. I didn’t work hard to pay off someone else’s bad decisions

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/03/2021 02:53

You've only been married 4 months and you are already resentful and feel deceived. I wouldn't be giving him the money and I would also be having a big rethink about this marriage because it's doomed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2021 02:57

I wouldn't have considered the first loan without knowing exactly what the situation is.

Throwntothewolves · 20/03/2021 02:58

This will not end well. Don't do it. The resentment is already there and it will only get worse if you bail him out again. Plus he is never going to sort out his financial issues if he knows he doesn't have to because you will pay his debts for him.

Remember being married links you to him, but it doesn't make you responsible for his debts. Don't make the mistake of sharing finances with him. Keep them separate, no joint accounts etc or he could run up debt that you become responsible for as it's in your name too. Also don't talk to him about what you have saved. He will only start spending it in his head.

You should probably consider whether staying married to him is right for you now you know this about him. There is nothing wrong with ending it after such a short time if you feel you cannot stay with him because he hasn't been honest. If anything, getting out now would be easier than waiting til several years down the line when he has bled you dry or will try to do so in the divorce.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 03:12

@Throwntothewolves I wish I hadn’t told him how much I had saved - now he knows I have all that money. He hasn’t outright asked me (yet) but he keeps saying he needs help. Like I said I don’t know the exact amount but I know he has credit cards etc that he pays off monthly.

I’ve moved into his place I’m not paying any rent to him or bills - he’s quite proud that way. I wouldn’t have minded giving him a small amount to which he pays me back but I already have a loan under my perfectly clear name now because of him. He did tell me his situation before but tbh I didn’t really think how it would effect me because it sounded like he had it under control. But now if he does ask me to borrow money I don’t know how I will say no. He already knows I don’t like discussing money- we have separate accounts - but for the future this marriage isn’t what I thought. I want a diff life, not having to worry about money, living somewhere nice and thinking about a future family kids, but how will he be able to work toward this when his finances are a shambles? I know some women are the breadwinners but we’re not even starting off on an even playing field. I feel really stupid for not thinking about money more but I just loved him so much. Is money everything or is love enough?

OP posts:
okokok000 · 20/03/2021 03:14

@MrsTerryPratchett

I wouldn't have considered the first loan without knowing exactly what the situation is.
This. You need to know what you're dealing with and whether it is something can, or are willing to work through.

The ideal time to discuss would have been before you married but you are where you are. Unless and until you have full disclosure and have considered your position don't loan anything or take on any more debt in your name.

Finances can make or break relationships. The difficulty. From having seen close friends and relatives bail people out, they have quite often ended up enabling the poor behaviour and ended trapped in a cycle.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 20/03/2021 03:15

Have you told him how your savings are invested? Tell him you can’t get access to them without a huge penalty.

continuallyconflating · 20/03/2021 03:25

I’ve moved into his place I’m not paying any rent to him or bills - he’s quite proud that way

This is not him being proud, this is a way for you to have an amorphous vague debt to him
You will end up paying far more than an equitable split if you're not careful
It's always better to have things clear and up front.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 03:33

@MooseBeTimeForSummer good idea - I haven’t said where the savings are. But because I’m not spending anything atm he knows my salary is all being saved.

How do I get out of that one? He’ll be able to have an approximate guess of my wage etc

OP posts:
HappyWipings · 20/03/2021 03:37

@continuallyconflating I agree.

I once moved in with a friend while I was waiting for my new flat to be ready. She said I needn't pay any rent but constantly asked for money here and there , I couldn't say no as I was living for free. I'm pretty sure those weeks cost me more than the going rate on that room!

okokok000 · 20/03/2021 04:14

The fact he is letting you live there without rent / bills is a red herring and doesn't give him a right to expect access to your savings. If he does expect that, he is not considering what is best for you and is being selfish. I moved into my husbands place, he never asked me for money for rent or bills. Equally, he has never asked me for a loan / gift of money.

If it's his place. Is there equity in the property? If so how much? Can he remortgage? If there is equity why did he left you take out a loan in your name?

Sorry for all the questions but I see this sort of scenario in my job all the time where one spouse hides poor financial situation from the other, and the other eventually gets dragged down to the extent that sometimes they lose their home.

If he asks for help. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about asking for full disclosure. If he resists then personally that would be a hard line for me. Even with full disclosure I'd need to have a long hard think. I'd also want specifics as to precisely how the debts have accrued. Wishy washy explanations wouldn't cut it.

As things stand you cannot even begin to plan to build a future as you've no idea what he might be able to contribute (if anything), or when.

gutful · 20/03/2021 04:15

It sounds odd for a spouse to be paying the other “rent”

Taking out a loan for him in your name was not wise, but think you know that.

Can you not “pay him rent” which is then paid directly towards his debts?

Even so it sounds like this has set the tone for the relationship - he is bad with money & you have to manage him out of it.

Can he not get request to get a reprieve on his loan repayments due to covid?

It’s not like if you split up you will get this 18K loan back from him

Also now you are married it does seem odd to be using terms like “loan” and “rent”

It sounds like the relationship while married is still seen as separate in terms of finances... so I would work to keep it that way & do not allow him access to your bank accounts & don’t keep joint accounts.

It sounds like he does need help to manage hygiene, but in a way that supports & not solves it for him.

When he says he needs help can you agree & ask what needs to be changed so he can help himself?

Eg: Do you guys need to move to a more modest property? Does he have an expensive gaming/collecting/sporting/drinking hobby that he needs to cut back on in order to pay off debts?

Offer solutions but ones that rely on HIM to proactively change. If he doesn’t step up, then you will have your answer & the marriage will always be this way.

gutful · 20/03/2021 04:16

Sorry he needs help to manage FINANCES not HYGEINE !Blush

gutful · 20/03/2021 04:17

I am almost willing to bet he has at least one indulgent, expensive hobby which he chooses to continue rather than sorting out his finances. But maybe am wrong...

DorisLessingsCat · 20/03/2021 04:27
  1. You need to pay towards your own living expenses - utility bills, council tax etc.

But

  1. You are not responsible for your DH's debt.

I would not have taken off a loan on his behalf, it makes you v vulnerable. Where did the £18k go and when will it be paid off?

Ganasha · 20/03/2021 04:41

Oh no. You shouldn’t have got married!! You’re now responsible for his debts! You’d better go see a solicitor now and get advice as to what happens if you split. I’m thinking you’d best get the marriage annulled or do whatever you can to get out of this. You don’t have to split up but get out of the marriage. Oh god. What have you done! Go get some advice. You took out a 18k loan!! Noooooooo

Ganasha · 20/03/2021 04:44

It looks like if you get out now then you won’t be liable for his debts. You will be liable for the 18k though. You need to know everything about his debt. What is it and where. You should have done this before getting married. You can’t stay married because that ties you to him. He could claim half your savings!!

Lending spouse money
youshallnotpass9 · 20/03/2021 04:47

I am on the other side to this, you are living rent free without paying bills in his flat, you got a loan, which he is paying? He has been paying all his other debts.

I would say in any other time, you need a different financial arrangement, but you have said in your OP because of Covid his work is drying up. That is not his fault. What exactly are you paying towards?

If this was the other way round, I think you would be called a cocklodger

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2021 05:26

Does he own or rent? Either way, pay for your life, but I wouldn't be paying while there's a debt in my name.

Is money everything or is love enough?

Stop thinking like a Disney film. Love is great, life is expensive. Both money and love are important.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2021 05:27

If this was the other way round, I think you would be called a cocklodger

4 months in with an 18k debt in the bloke's name? For debts the woman had? Bollocks would he be called a cocklodger.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/03/2021 05:39

Sounds completely topsy-turvey to me. It makes sense for spouses to share household living costs but he's "too proud". On the other hand it makes no sense for one to borrow from the other - I say borrow, but realistically when would it be paid back?

I can't help feeling he's got a reason for not wanting you to appear to be paying towards your shared accommodation; maybe (though it might be incorrectly, I'm not sure of the legal position) wanting you not to have official rights to the place if you split. Or maybe he has some old-fashioned notion that it is his job as "the man" to cover your living costs - somehow missing the little detail that he has to borrow the money from you to do so! Either way this is a weird way of organising finances. I'd be looking to source some expert advice, jointly if possible. You might have a more productive conversation with a knowledgeable facilitator who hopefully he wouldn't try to argue with.

youshallnotpass9 · 20/03/2021 06:23

@MrsTerryPratchett

If this was the other way round, I think you would be called a cocklodger

4 months in with an 18k debt in the bloke's name? For debts the woman had? Bollocks would he be called a cocklodger.

I think I am reading this a different way to you, I don't think that 18k is from 4 months, its from previous old debts, that he had been paying at a much higher rate of interest.

One loan made it much cheaper each month, either way, the husband has been paying this loan and all the bills. Might have continued this way, but due to Covid his work is drying up and the OP is complaining about something that he might be asking, when its more likely he might be about to say, you need to start paying your bills.

Thats not asking to borrow money, that is saying start paying your share of the bills.

She has savings and he has none, because she is not paying any bills.

I agree with what people are saying that it shouldn't be a bit here and a bit there, but they are married and it is not a fair playing field, because she is not paying anything and yet saving

Sakurami · 20/03/2021 06:28

I think that 1) you need complete transparency in what exactly he owes, what his income is and work out exactly what should be paid and what should be saved.

  1. you should contribute at least equally to bills and mortgage.