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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lending spouse money

174 replies

crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 02:30

I’m a newly wed (4 months). Before we got married dh had told me he has loans/debts but is taking care of them.

Since corona and his work getting less he is more stressed with his financial situation and said he needs help. I already have taken out a loan in my name for him but now I have a feeling he will ask me to borrow him some money.

I don’t want to give it - I feel like I’ve been misled. I already took the loan out for him as I was getting a better rate but I have saved my money since I’ve worked and I feel I’m getting the short straw. Ever since we’ve been married it’s been grim add in lockdown it’s a recipe for disaster. I have savings and he has none.

Would you lend your dh large sums of money, and so early on? I feel this resentment brewing inside of me - I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 20/03/2021 06:32

If he owns his flat, the flat is now half yours. You need to pay towards bills and mortgage. If he uses this towards his debt, that is up to him, but you are married and everything is joint with the cost is living.

His debt will solely remain his, if any is in his name. However you are now in debt to the tune of 18k by taking out a loan.

I would speak some legal advice on this personally.

Raindancer411 · 20/03/2021 06:33

Seek, silly predictive

Morgan12 · 20/03/2021 06:35

Wow. If the sexes were reversed there answers would be so different.

Surely what's yours is his?

Rightthen24 · 20/03/2021 06:35

Firstly you shoodnt be living with him and not making any financial contribution and secondly I am not sure if your nieve or just ignorant to not find out his full financial situation before you took a loan out and married him.
People can be proud and think they can cope while in fact they are drowning.
You need to be more supportive and sit down and find out his exact financial position and then agree a way forward, this could be him contacting a debt charity like Stepchange.
You sound high and mighty and rude. I would do anything for my husband to help and support him, if you don't feel like that then you need to find your own place,pay your own bills and get a divorce.

Frownette · 20/03/2021 06:42

Agree with @youshallnotpass9.

Did you say you had a loan agreement with him? You do need to start paying your share of rent/bills and draw up agreements with him.

maddy68 · 20/03/2021 06:53

Surely now you're married it's joint debt? And who lends money to their spouse ?

*Completely missing the point obviously

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 20/03/2021 06:54

I know someone who ignored the financial situation she and her partner were in because he never shared it with her and she never asked because "she was no good with money or maths". She just deferred to him and he never had a proper discussion with her about what their outgoings were or set a budget. He got into huge debt even though he was working two jobs, but she didn't know. They were living a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money and he was racking up huge credit card debts. It ended very badly in tragic circumstances.

Me and DP discuss and agree on what to do financially. We have similar approaches and outlooks though, which makes it easier.

trevthecat · 20/03/2021 06:55

I don't understand why you didn't get full details of his debt when you took out a loan for £18k. He could be in hundreds of thousands of debt. Why are some couples so funny about discussing money?

youshallnotpass9 · 20/03/2021 07:00

A few questions for the OP

I feel like I’ve been misled.
Is this because he said he would pay for everything?

I have savings and he has none.
Because he pays for everything and you pay for nothing?

I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.
Because you pay no bills?

I don’t know the exact figure of the debt
Why didn't you ask?

I have a lot of savings and a decent job. I didn’t work hard to pay off someone else’s bad decisions
Yet he is working hard so you can save

but he keeps saying he needs help
Like maybe you paying some bills?

I’ve moved into his place I’m not paying any rent to him or bills - he’s quite proud that way
Proud enough for you not to pay bills but not proud enough to ask you for a loan?

He already knows I don’t like discussing money- we have separate accounts
You dont like discussing money, but you need to and I bet you have separate accounts, because he pays all the bills. Does he know how much you earn?

Either this is a reverse or a troll, because no one is that naive or dense but I have really bad insomnia

BananaSpanner · 20/03/2021 07:01

What are your outgoings? Do you contribute financially to the relationship at all or just add go your savings.

Purely on the info you have provided you sound like you are being ‘kept’ by a man who can’t afford it.

sleepyhead1980 · 20/03/2021 07:05

I think he could be saying he needs help so you offer to pay towards rent etc which would be fair enough IMO

harknesswitch · 20/03/2021 07:05

You've already taken a loan out for 18k for him!! What has he done with the 18k, did you see it go towards paying off his debts?

Has he shown you what his incoming and outgoing debts are.

I'd be worried he's somehow pissed the 18k away already and wants more. Why did he get in debt?

Sorry op but I'd be shitting myself he'll stop paying the loan and you'll be stuck with it.

Do you have any joint accounts or a mortgage together? If he goes bankrupt it could affect you.

Be careful you don't get dragged down by him. Don't lend him any further money

Shoxfordian · 20/03/2021 07:08

You need to have a proper conversation about all the debts and bills he has then work out a plan.

Moondust001 · 20/03/2021 07:13

I don't think you should loan him anything but...

I think you should have given a hell of a lot more thought to everything before marrying someone. There seems to be no aspect to your lives that entails marriage other than a piece of paper. You pay nothing at all towards living costs. You don't like discussing money - or sharing money. And the only reason that you can think of for being married is that he's a nice person?

I think it's time to look at how you call this quits before you both screw up your lives even more. Or worse, screw up the lives of children you may have. There is nothing in anything you say that is a basis for marriage or a family life.

ivfbeenbusy · 20/03/2021 07:23

I’ve moved into his place I’m not paying any rent to him or bills

I was totally on your side about the resentment and not lending him any money until I read this.....

You have savings because you are not paying any normal household outgoings - you can hardly be resentful that he doesn't have any if he is also covering all the bills??? 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Blankscreen · 20/03/2021 07:23

I think you are unfair not paying towards the living costs. It seems mean that he is subbing you and you are stacking up piles of savings.

You need to sit down and work out the monthly costs of your living arrangement and start off at a 50/50 split or some couples agree that the the one who is earning more pays a higher percentage. If its a mortgsge that he has that is for your benefit even if it's in his me as it will be far lower than rent costs

Don't resent the fact you took out a loan for him presumably he didn't force you to and he is paying it back.

Don't lend him any more but at least he will have your contribution towards living costs to keep his head above water.

BananaSpanner · 20/03/2021 07:35

The more I think about this one the less convinced I am it’s genuine. The description of the husband seems to lack any personality or actual feeling. Like it’s just two bank accounts that got married, not two people.

Dcadmam001 · 20/03/2021 07:50

If you contribute to house and bills then he can use that money to pay off debt......

AgentJohnson · 20/03/2021 08:06

You really went into this with blinkers on didn’t you. Firstly, you need to own your part in this mess, the loan is in your name because you made the decision to take it out. Youdidn’t insist on financial transparency and have opted to not talk about finances because it makes you uncomfortable. Resentment is another form of uncomfortable and not being transparent about finances has brought you here.

I can understand your frustration and belated concerns but how can you agree to go along with him foolishly not asking you to contribute to the cost of living in the home you share? His ‘pride’ is misplaced and just another way of ignoring the reality of his situation.

There’s a great deal of growing up to be done by both sides. Take the first step and talk about your boundaries, expectations as well as your responsibilities (pay your damn way) and insist he does the same.

YouBeYou · 20/03/2021 08:09

I haven't read the whole thread but I love how much of a bashing he's getting here.

Can you even imagine if this was the other way round... "I have debts from before we are married and I'm doing my best but he lives in my house rent free and has all this money and he won't give me any..." He would be getting the Mumsnet bashing of a lifetime. LTB would be sung from the hilltops!

What this boils down to is you made a terrible life decision and married a "lovely guy" without any idea about his financial situation. That's on you.

Decide if you want to be with him. If you do then you need to sit down and go through all the finances and make a plan - whether his pride likes it or not. My opinion is that you should start helping him (but do not just give him £££). You're married, a partnership etc. If you want it to work long term with kids then you might just have to let go of those purse strings a little and help him.

Kinder123 · 20/03/2021 08:27

OP if you are to borrow any more money for him, then only do so after a full conversation about finances. If he is asking you to take on debt risk for him, then you have a right to see his bank statements and his credit report (sign him up for mse credit club - it's free and should show all credit agreements). You should both as a married couple be open about finances and come to a fair arrangement. That might mean that you take on more debt in his name (although personally I would be very reluctant) it might mean that you make more of a contribution to your living arrangements. If he owns his home and there is equity, perhaps you take on that loan in return for a share in the house. Is there any other security he could give you for taking on a loan?

I know on mumsnet there is often a bias toward shared finances. This should not apply to you, if he does not handle money well keep your finances separate.

At this stage you should be deciding whether you can build the life you want with him. Your financial stability may be good enough to work for you both and that's okay if so. If his debt will restrict you in having kids, holidays, the home you need...think hard about sticking around. It would be worse to wake up in 10 years time when you are too far in to walk away easy.

RachelRoth · 20/03/2021 08:28

I agree with @youshallnotpass9. You are contributing nothing financially knowing your dh is struggling financially. That’s really out of order.

You need to know the extent of his debt. Get him signed up to Experian and look at it.

Soontobe60 · 20/03/2021 08:34

You both need to sit down together and sort this out. A full breakdown of income and outgoings for both of you. Why you’re not contributing to the household bills I have no idea. A good starting point is to total up all joint household expenses then set up a joint account to pay these. Each of you pay in to this account proportionate to what you earn. If you earn 50% more than him you pay more in. You might also set up a joint savings account where you both pay a small amount to cover things like holidays or towards a house move.

Wheelerdeeler · 20/03/2021 08:35

Op I don't think you are mature enough to be married.

You don't like talking about money? Ffs you ate a married person & your husband is struggling.

Sit down. Discuss everything & make a plan.

Stop being so high and mighty about your savings.

He obviously is a good person otherwise you wouldn't have married him.

heyday · 20/03/2021 08:35

I would say that two things need to happen here: firstly, he contacts an organisation like Stepchange to discuss his debts - they are fantastic and will help him set up a realistic solution to his current debt problem. His debt worries will be considerably easier after speaking to them and he will know where he stands with a doable debt plan of action. If these are old debts then it is possible to find a way forward where the debt can be managed and slowly paid off. I really do not understand how you live there but do not contribute financially? So secondly, I would suggest that you: continue to pay off the debt that you took out plus pay for groceries...this could be your contribution. Debt is a terrible thing especially those with poorer credit ratings as the interest rate will generally be higher and most repayments made just just pay the interest whereas the actual debt figure barely gets touched. An honest chat with Stepchange (I quote them as i know they are excellent) will make things a lot clearer. They set a realistic budget and if you can both stick to it then the debts will reduce and finally clear. If he is not willing to do this then perhaps you have a clearer vision as to the man you married and how the future is likely to pan out.