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Original poster

Lending spouse money

174 replies

crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 02:30

I’m a newly wed (4 months). Before we got married dh had told me he has loans/debts but is taking care of them.

Since corona and his work getting less he is more stressed with his financial situation and said he needs help. I already have taken out a loan in my name for him but now I have a feeling he will ask me to borrow him some money.

I don’t want to give it - I feel like I’ve been misled. I already took the loan out for him as I was getting a better rate but I have saved my money since I’ve worked and I feel I’m getting the short straw. Ever since we’ve been married it’s been grim add in lockdown it’s a recipe for disaster. I have savings and he has none.

Would you lend your dh large sums of money, and so early on? I feel this resentment brewing inside of me - I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.

OP posts:
FoxgloveBee · 20/03/2021 20:20

I know we're not supposed to look but their is either an overlap or a very quick marriage (with several posts made during the current relationship about the previous one...indicating she was not over it and current husband is a rebound).

harknesswitch · 21/03/2021 09:34

Rather than giving him the money to pay off the debt I'd suggest that you pay 50% of all bills etc. He can put this towards paying off his debts. His ego and not wanting you to pay for the house is getting in the way of his debt recovery

timkerbellx · 21/03/2021 10:16

Haven't read all this thread but the title alone I found a bit strange to be honest .
I'm not even married to my dp and we earn quite different salaries, but we're in a committed relationship living together and both know how much is or isn't in the pot so to speak . If either of us needs some extra it's just a conversation not a question of borrowing our own money ?

WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 12:22

@timkerbellx

Haven't read all this thread but the title alone I found a bit strange to be honest . I'm not even married to my dp and we earn quite different salaries, but we're in a committed relationship living together and both know how much is or isn't in the pot so to speak . If either of us needs some extra it's just a conversation not a question of borrowing our own money ?

So if he gambles himself into £70K of debt you would happily give him your savings to clear that debt knowing he will continue to gamble?

bless you you're so nice 🌺

timkerbellx · 27/03/2021 11:01

Wisnaeme
He doesn't gamble though and we trust each other ?
What an odd concern to raise .

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 02:22

@timkerbellx

Wisnaeme He doesn't gamble though and we trust each other ? What an odd concern to raise .
It's not odd because I was referring to OP's situation and OP's finances not yours. OP has already taken out an 18K loan for her spouse, but there is likely way more debt besides this.

So my point was.. whilst you and I trust our Husbands implicitly OP cannot trust hers. Handing over thousands of pounds is something she needs to consider carefully 🌺

rose69 · 28/03/2021 08:11

You do need to have a convo about money. His income and outgoings. Then you need to pay half of the rent/mortgage and half the bills. Is he claiming carers allowance for his sister?

Isthisit22 · 28/03/2021 08:19

You earn twice what he does but are happy to live in his house not contributing anything. Then you are watching him be anxious about money whilst worrying about your enormous savings? You sound like you live money more than him.
On the other hand, do not pay his debts. But you do need to start paying for yourself fairly.
Or since you seem to be virtual strangers to each other, just call it a day and split up

WisnaeMe · 28/03/2021 13:59

@Isthisit22

You earn twice what he does but are happy to live in his house not contributing anything. Then you are watching him be anxious about money whilst worrying about your enormous savings? You sound like you live money more than him. On the other hand, do not pay his debts. But you do need to start paying for yourself fairly. Or since you seem to be virtual strangers to each other, just call it a day and split up

He declined OP's contribution, she has offered several times but he said No.

BillMasen · 28/03/2021 14:25

@continuallyconflating

I’ve moved into his place I’m not paying any rent to him or bills - he’s quite proud that way

This is not him being proud, this is a way for you to have an amorphous vague debt to him
You will end up paying far more than an equitable split if you're not careful
It's always better to have things clear and up front.

Only on mumsnet could the wife paying no rent or bills be considered to be a for of abuse by the husband. Unbelievable
Mustbethemansfault · 28/03/2021 19:39

This isn't about loaning him money, it's about feeding your ego and wanting people to tell you that you're in the right for being a freeloader that's annoyed that their husband isn't keeping them how they expect (your expectations are rediculous by the way.)

If you're not spending anything and resentful about having to help out your, and I can't stress this enough, husband then what exactly is the point in having that money? If you're expecting him to pay for everything, which you clearly are, then why are you holding onto money that you have no intention of spending?

I've met people like this before, money is your God, those people never change and it's all about money, it's a toxic trait and the amount of times I've seen these kinds of people flout their cash without spending anything and tightfisting their way through life whilst sitting in an ivory tower looking at those that are perceived to be "lesser"

Turn this around and "he's letting me pay for everything, contributing nothing but won't take responsibility and help out" then they'd be called for everything.

wingingit987 · 28/03/2021 21:10

The title of this should be
' my new husband looks doesn't let me pay a penny and looks after his disabled sister financially and is skint, but I deserve more'

You dont have any outgoing.... of course you've got money you don't pay to live anywhere. You shouldn't have ever got married.

interest12 · 29/03/2021 06:16

There is a LOT more to h the is story....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4167987-did-I-make-the-right-decision

Stratfordplace · 29/03/2021 08:06

Op doesn’t think she should contribute anything as her DP looks after the SIL and probably his DM.

His family own property but don’t flash the cash so she is unimpressed.

gutful · 29/03/2021 09:47

Wow this past post really does make the OP seem incredibly materialistic & abusive to boot.

Hope the husband can escape this obviously toxic situation

BillMasen · 29/03/2021 11:00

Shocked by some of the apologists for DV on that other thread but when it’s against a man I’ve seen some on here outright say it doesn’t count, so I’m not surprised there are a few.

Op is an abuser, financially and physically

BlueEyedPony · 29/03/2021 11:50

How long have you been together? It feels like you don't really know this guy but you married him?
You need to ask him how much he owes.

Cherrytree1621 · 29/03/2021 13:46

You need to start paying your way, allowing your hubby to pay for everything is a bit unfair, then have the audacity to complain when he says he's struggling while you happily put all your earnings into savings.
As for the loan that's your own fault really for doing it in the first place without knowing what it was going towards, clearly there needs to be more communication on both parts.

singleagain22 · 29/03/2021 15:09

Do not borrow any money for him or combine your finances in any way until he sorts himself out.

Support him to repay his debts. Recommend looking up Dave Ramsey on YouTube or reading his book the total money makeover.

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 22:06

I think the 18k loan is suffice .. take nothing else out in his name. 🌸

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 22:06

sorry, in your name for his debts 🌸

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2021 22:55

@crossroads1

Maybe I was naive- I was so crazy about him before (marriage has swiftly changed that) we spoke about his debts but I thought it was under control. Since his work is drying up he’s becoming increasingly more anxious.

He’s said to me plenty of times I can do better and find someone else that isn’t in the mess he’s in. I’ll also add his sister lives in the property and she’s mentally disabled. He also supports her with food, buying her clothes etc. Now add me in he mix his outgoings are more.

I probably earn double than him - he knows my salary and said he will cover everything in the house and that I should save. He hasn’t outright asked me for any money I haven’t paid a penny back of the 18k loan he makes repayments into my account every month which goes towards it.

If it wasn’t for this our relationship used to be perfect. He was like sunshine to me - but because of this and reality hitting me my feelings are changing. We’ve barely been married 5 mins but I don’t know if I can live my life like this - I know marriage is a compromise and he def needs support but maybe I wasn’t ready to be a wife after all

He's spending all his money on his sister and you?

No wonder he's in debt!

What kind of 'marriage' is this? Did you discuss anything before you got married? How long have you been together?

Nanny0gg · 31/03/2021 22:59

Wow! Just read your previous thread.

This 'marriage' has disaster written all over it. On both sides.

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 13:37

@Nanny0gg

Wow! Just read your previous thread.

This 'marriage' has disaster written all over it. On both sides.

there's a previous Thread 😳

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