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Original poster

Lending spouse money

174 replies

crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 02:30

I’m a newly wed (4 months). Before we got married dh had told me he has loans/debts but is taking care of them.

Since corona and his work getting less he is more stressed with his financial situation and said he needs help. I already have taken out a loan in my name for him but now I have a feeling he will ask me to borrow him some money.

I don’t want to give it - I feel like I’ve been misled. I already took the loan out for him as I was getting a better rate but I have saved my money since I’ve worked and I feel I’m getting the short straw. Ever since we’ve been married it’s been grim add in lockdown it’s a recipe for disaster. I have savings and he has none.

Would you lend your dh large sums of money, and so early on? I feel this resentment brewing inside of me - I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.

OP posts:
Pinotwoman82 · 20/03/2021 10:16

I did have a lot of sympathy for you to start but the fact is you live there rent free. You need to start contributing to the bills it’s what you have to do as an adult, you can’t live anywhere rent free. Also do you not realise if you do contribute he will probably be out of this mess quicker and then you can live the life you want.

TedMullins · 20/03/2021 10:18

There’s more holes than Swiss cheese in this story. What did you think marriage was? It is and always has been a legal joining of assets and finances and if you don’t know that you’re not intelligent or mature enough to be married.

It is COMPLETELY unacceptable that you don’t pay any living costs. Forget ‘pride’. His work is drying up which isn’t his fault and you chose to marry him and join assets, you made a commitment to him that you’re a team, financially and otherwise. You don’t have to share bank accounts but you do have a responsibility to pay for your living costs and if you’re the higher earner you should be paying in more than him.

He should have told you the full extent of his debts, but equally, you should’ve asked! It wasn’t the most sensible idea to take out a loan in his name but you said he transfers you the money for the repayments, so it sounds like he is not taking advantage. “I loved him” is not an excuse not to have conversations about money, neither is “I don’t like talking about it”. You sound incredibly childish - you decided to sign a legal document confirming your union in personhood and worldly goods but you didn’t think to sit down and ask exactly what those goods were or how finances were going to be arranged? He should’ve pushed for this conversation as well and volunteered the information about his debts but honestly it’s astonishing that you didn’t think to discuss this.

The general accepted rule is the higher earner pays towards living expenses in proportion with their wage so you should be doing this. Why are you letting him foot the bill for everything? You say you wanted to marry someone on an equal footing but you knew he had debts before you married and you must’ve known his salary. Of course you’ve no obligation to stay in a marriage you don’t want to be in but you’re really not painting yourself in a great light here.

TedMullins · 20/03/2021 10:19

Sorry, take out a loan in YOUR name but for him.

giao · 20/03/2021 10:20

Well he's overly generous and kind, which makes his money problems worse.

You need to stop taking advantage and start paying your way, stop amassing money at his expense. This is all very strange.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 10:21

@PegasusReturns I feel really torn. On the one hand he’s lovely and i know he is completely stressed. He says I shouldn’t have married him and that I’d have a better life with someone who can treat me better.

OP posts:
netstaller · 20/03/2021 10:25

@giao

Well he's overly generous and kind, which makes his money problems worse.

You need to stop taking advantage and start paying your way, stop amassing money at his expense. This is all very strange.

This!
giao · 20/03/2021 10:26

I think he's got this the wrong way round. he would have a better life with someone who treated him fairer.

Chloemol · 20/03/2021 10:33

Where is your pride, you are a cocklodger

Start by telling him that you want to lay 50/50 for the mortgage/rent and bills, all bills including food

Then he can put that towards his debts. Has he sought advice from step change, citizens advice etc on how to consolidate and pay back over time?

Pay your way

PegasusReturns · 20/03/2021 10:36

@crossroads1 what are you contributing to the marriage at the moment?

Be honest.

It seems you were expecting to be “looked after” but most people want an equal partnership

FelicityMingington · 20/03/2021 10:37

OP - you are a cocklodger in all but one detail.

DianaT1969 · 20/03/2021 10:38

You have totally lost my sympathy.
Stop being a CF and pay him 5 months worth of lodgings to cover what he has spent on you. Insist he takes it. Start paying your way. You need to grow up.
And please stop saying the phrase 'I thought he had it under control'. It's meaningless.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 20/03/2021 10:40

Don't take out more loans and don't give him your savings, but you do need to start paying your way. You need to contribute towards the household costs.

He should contact Stepchange and see if they can help him work his way of his debt.

At the moment he is broke while you save all your earnings and that is not right.

BrieAndChilli · 20/03/2021 10:41

Very odd situation

You both need to sit down and fully disclose both financial situations. Talk about your debts, all the household and personal bills, earnings and plans for the future eg buying a house or having kids (who will you cover maternity etc) plans for careers etc etc basically everything that would impact your financial situation. Make sure you are both on the same page. Understand how and why he got into so much debt.
Then decide who you are going to sort out this mess, might be better to Chuck all the money at the debts to get rid of them and start afresh, you need to be paying your share of the household bills, it might even be best for you to totally take over the family finances if he can’t be trusted not to get in more debt.

If he doesn’t want to have a proper conversation to sort this out or you don’t want to use your savings to bail him out then I think the marriage is over. A marriage is a joining of 2 people totally in everything. Mr and DH share all finances, and either is in a better position than the other as we are a family unit. He earns loads more than me as I took years out of a career to have children and work part time around them, he appreciates that is the decision we made jointly and my contribution was not financial at that time but was saving us £££s in childcare and cleaning etc.

Rosieposy89 · 20/03/2021 10:42

Sorry op, but its not right or fair that you're living with him and paying nothing towards living expenses. Marriage is a partnership. I absolutely could not watch my husband sink deeper into debt while I hoard my money. Your husband needs help with his debts that doesn't involve more credit and you can support him by making a financial contribution.

warmandtoasty2day · 20/03/2021 10:45

sorry op but you do sound like a cf with your hoarding money and not paying for stuff too, marriage is supposed to be team work, i.e you work together, give and take both ways. if i was in his shoes i'm not sure i'd want to stay with you tbh.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 20/03/2021 10:48

Why would you marry someone without full disclosure? Once you're married his debt becomes yours. He might be paying that £18k now but if you split, he could stop. Be very careful.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 20/03/2021 10:52

Just read all your posts and it's madness that you are living rent and bills free. He's clearly not that proud, or he wouldn't keep asking you for loans. Pay towards rent and bills and then he has a better chance to sort his finances out. Honestly this sounds like a very immature relationship

Fireflygal · 20/03/2021 10:54

Wow,he seems to be genuinely struggling and you have no empathy.

Did you expect marriage to mean you were looked after much like a parent does?

Get full details of the financial situation. If he is responsible for his sister is he claiming any benefits or entitlements for her?
Starting paying your way...at least half the bills each month and back date to when you moved in. Hopefully that will help to erode his debt.

Colourmeclear · 20/03/2021 10:55

Im curious. What did you think marriage was? What were you expecting?

I would personally pay 50% of all bills excluding rent/mortgage and start covering the payment for the £18k loan. That way he benefits but you are also in full control of paying it down.

RandomMess · 20/03/2021 10:56

Does he own the house/have a mortgage on it?

You either walk away now and keep your savings but you are stuck with the loan in your name or you could go on the deeds of the house and have it legally signed to you to cover your share of what you have give/loan him so at least it's secure should you divorce in the next 5-10 years.

Depends if he has equity or not.

If he has a history of living beyond his means I would worry that he will just get into debt again though.

Wtfdoipick · 20/03/2021 10:57

Is he much older than you. Did you marry him on the assumption that he would fully bank roll you? Have you stopped to consider that he is struggling now due to financially supporting you?

You need to start paying your way

notapizzaeater · 20/03/2021 11:10

Nothing in life is free, you need to pay something towards the bills, he might not be struggling as much if you did,

comingintomyown · 20/03/2021 11:15

Sorry I’m in the you sound selfish greedy and about fifteen years old camp

flowersWB · 20/03/2021 11:18

Why are you ignoring all the posters that say you need to step up and pay your share of day to day costs? He is bankrolling your savings and you're behaving as though he's going to steal them from you.
Sounds like you need to grow up and have some frank conversations and start paying your way.

MadeForThis · 20/03/2021 11:28

So he pays all the bills and pays off his debt.

You earn twice what he does yet pay no bills and put your entire salary into your savings.

This is totally wrong.

You should pay the bills in line with your salary.
He should be 100% responsible for his debt.