Lending spouse money

[crossroads1]

I’m a newly wed (4 months). Before we got married dh had told me he has loans/debts but is taking care of them.

Since corona and his work getting less he is more stressed with his financial situation and said he needs help. I already have taken out a loan in my name for him but now I have a feeling he will ask me to borrow him some money.

I don’t want to give it - I feel like I’ve been misled. I already took the loan out for him as I was getting a better rate but I have saved my money since I’ve worked and I feel I’m getting the short straw. Ever since we’ve been married it’s been grim add in lockdown it’s a recipe for disaster. I have savings and he has none.

Would you lend your dh large sums of money, and so early on? I feel this resentment brewing inside of me - I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.

You cannot agree to help him any
More without full disclosure. Are they all really old debts or has is he still taking out
More? Why has the loan you did agreed to not helped?. He has to provide answers to this. What is the exact nature of his struggle? Has he sought debt management advice and restructured?

I would give him none of your savings. You may need them to buy a property if this marriage doesn't work. And right now that sounds 50/50. It also doesn't sound like it would solve the underlying problems. This is only an option when you are sure he is better with money. And you are protecting the savings for both of you for the life you hope to have together. He needs to understand you taking out the current loan was already a massive risk and out of your comfort zone.

However, him struggling and you saving your entire salary seems unbalanced even if it is his choice. Further evidence of his poor choices with money.

Sit down together and work out what your share or bills and mortgage would be. And offer to put this towards his debts every month. Therefore you are not gifting but are supporting and being fair. Personally i would not transfer this to his account put pay the amounts direct to his lenders.

Honestly put whatever it'd cost as a flatshare plus bills and pay down the 18K loan. I'd assume maybe 800-1k a month plus whatever he is paying and it should reduce quickly. If you honestly think you're going to seperate maybe leave it in your own account but mentally allocate it to paying off the loan.

You need full and frank disclosure of his debts. Did he use the loan to sonsolidate and pay stuff off or has he used it to fund your married lifestyle? If it's the latter I'd seriously consider getting out as it's all built on a house of cards.

I’m still stuck at the starters line

How do you get married to someone without sharing 1) what you earn 2) your financial position whether savings or debt 3) agreeing how you want to manage finances 4) some level of discussion about the future and your aspirations

If you split the mortgage and the household bills between you, he’ll be able to make his repayments. Do that.

Don't do it! At the moment the paper trail will show those debts were around before you married. Those are his debts. Once you start taking out loans in your name to cover them, they are marital debts. Leave his debts to him.

You say you didn't ask before you got married 'because he had it under control'. What does that even mean? If he has large debts and outgoings, nobody has it under control of repayments rely on income.
It's not too late to ask him. Ask him to bring all his paperwork and debt details to a table. Sit down and go through it together. Make it clear at the outset that you aren't using savings - that getting the loan was risky enough.
Then once you know what's going on, make a decision to go or stay.
If you stay, insist upon giving him £6-800 per month towards your accommodation and bills (whatever makes sense for your area).
Be open to downsizing/moving to a cheaper area.

What a mess. How can you be so good with money and yet so bad with it all in one?

Of course love is not enough. You surely should question why you live for free in his house but have been pushed into taking out an 18K loan?

I am amazed that you borrowed 18K without looking at his full debt portfolio.

Start there and see what, if anything, can be salvaged of your relationship.

@Sakurami

I think that 1) you need complete transparency in what exactly he owes, what his income is and work out exactly what should be paid and what should be saved.

2. you should contribute at least equally to bills and mortgage.

This. I find it utterly bizarre that you've got married and done this half-entwined, half-completely separate thing with your finances.

Oh, and the pride thing is bollocks. If he were too proud to ask you for money you wouldnt have a loan in your name.

To be bunt I think neither of you are good with money or with communicating.

Getting involved with someone else's debt by taking out a £18k loan without knowing the full extent of the problem shows that.

Moving in with someone without making a proper agreement to split the living costs 50/50 again does not reflect well on you. Especially if you already know they have extensive debts.

Priding yourself on being able to save (whilst you still have a job and are living for free), and comparing that to someone who can't save (who lost his job to covid and has a freeloader living with him), does not paint you in the good light you think it does.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to be with someone who is in debt, but I also feel sorry for him.

Through your lack of getting to understand the full extent of the problem and working out how this would impact the future, you are now turning it around on him. Your disgust at him jumps off the page. You could have saved him, and yourself, a lot of trouble if you had thought a bit more about this 4 months ago.

Maybe I was naive- I was so crazy about him before (marriage has swiftly changed that) we spoke about his debts but I thought it was under control. Since his work is drying up he’s becoming increasingly more anxious.

He’s said to me plenty of times I can do better and find someone else that isn’t in the mess he’s in. I’ll also add his sister lives in the property and she’s mentally disabled. He also supports her with food, buying her clothes etc. Now add me in he mix his outgoings are more.

I probably earn double than him - he knows my salary and said he will cover everything in the house and that I should save. He hasn’t outright asked me for any money I haven’t paid a penny back of the 18k loan he makes repayments into my account every month which goes towards it.

If it wasn’t for this our relationship used to be perfect. He was like sunshine to me - but because of this and reality hitting me my feelings are changing. We’ve barely been married 5 mins but I don’t know if I can live my life like this - I know marriage is a compromise and he def needs support but maybe I wasn’t ready to be a wife after all

1. Work out the rent/bills/food bill etc, and split them 50:50. Or, since you're the higher-earner, it might be fairer to split them proportionate to your incomes.

1. Does he have any assets he could sell to bring the debt down? e.g. downgrade his car

1. If his work is getting less (that sounds like he's self-employed?), could he get a weekend job to balance the books?

1. ...which leads me onto:

How hard is he actually trying to keep his finances under control? i.e. does he watch every penny and pay down his debts whenever he gets the chance... or does he live a champagne lifestyle and ignore his debts building up?

To me, that would play a large part in how far I went to help him out or not.

I probably earn double than him - he knows my salary and said he will cover everything in the house and that I should save.

Huh... why? Is he trying to be the big 'I AM', and pay for everything in the household himself because he's The Man?

He needs to get his male pride under control and accept that you're currently the breadwinner. Of course you should be paying the majority of the household bills if you earn twice what he does (or at the very least, paying your fair share of them).

You should 100% be paying towards your living expenses! You are an adult earning money! As several PP have said pay him this and he can use it to pay off his debt.

Clearly you are right that he has poor control over his money but seriously you are stacking up money at a direct cost to him and he is suffering mentally for it.

Im actually shocked by your attitude. He seems like a good egg and he isnt trying to hide things. He is telling you he needs help yet you are still selfishly saving every penny of your wage and contributing nothing financially to the marriage.

If you walk away because his work has been hit by covid and his debt no affects you, you will be left with £18k of debt anyway.

You said the relationship was great apart from the money, yet you pay nothing. Why not find out the true extent of the incomings and debts, and start contributing.

His sister will have to manage on her incomings too.

I would be majorly stressed married to someone with debt too but I think you need to take your head out of your arsehole for a minute here.
You earn a good salary which you are able to save most of due to having no living costs, you are married to a man who financially supports his sister, pays all the household bills and also has some debt.

Now whether he was too proud or not, as his wife I would seek to find out my share of the bills and standing order it to him as a way to do my bit and also lighten the load on him. This seems like it could really help the situation, whatever his financial situation he is worse off with you living there "free".

You need to find out exactly how much debt he is in and help him come up with a repayment plan, if you love this man you would at least try and find a way for him to work through this before any drastic decisions. Don't walk into anything with your eyes closed in future either.

Ok you need decide if the marriage is viable. Part of that might be understanding exactly what his financial situation is:

• What assets he has, including equity in house.
• What debts he has, what rate he pays and over what period, whether he is in arrears.
• What he earns

But you sound perhaps like you’re past caring. If you want to leave, leave. A short marriage with no children will unlikely lead to much of a division of assets.

If you think it’s workable nothing less than full and frank disclosure will do. After you know the position you might still want to leave. In which case you should. But you might feel it’s salvageable in which case you will know what you’re working with.

@LannieDuck there’s no champagne lifestyle believe you me... as much as I’d like it we’ve never done anything fancy. All his focus is trying to stay afloat because his outgoings are a lot every month it basically leaves him with ziltch

I have an itch that the money I’m saving by not contributing will later on be used as collateral. Marriage really isn’t what I thought it’d be

@crossroads1

Maybe I was naive- I was so crazy about him before (marriage has swiftly changed that) we spoke about his debts but I thought it was under control. Since his work is drying up he’s becoming increasingly more anxious.

He’s said to me plenty of times I can do better and find someone else that isn’t in the mess he’s in. I’ll also add his sister lives in the property and she’s mentally disabled. He also supports her with food, buying her clothes etc. Now add me in he mix his outgoings are more.

I probably earn double than him - he knows my salary and said he will cover everything in the house and that I should save. He hasn’t outright asked me for any money I haven’t paid a penny back of the 18k loan he makes repayments into my account every month which goes towards it.

If it wasn’t for this our relationship used to be perfect. He was like sunshine to me - but because of this and reality hitting me my feelings are changing. We’ve barely been married 5 mins but I don’t know if I can live my life like this - I know marriage is a compromise and he def needs support but maybe I wasn’t ready to be a wife after all

Are you serious? If you're not prepared to recognise that he is covering ALL COSTS then yes you should end this marriage as you don't sound mature enough to deal with reality.

This is a mess. It is crazy not to share rent/mortgage payments and bills - you should be paying at least a third of those. My personal view is that you should pay more as higher earner (providing that’s not because he’s lazy but just circumstances / career choices). Of course you have savings and he is struggling to pay his way if you don’t contribute. But if he genuinely just refuses to take your money then he’s just foolish and probably can’t be helped.

And what was the sense in you taking out a loan to help him pay back a loan? - makes much more financial sense to loan him your savings than pay interest on loan.

Encourage him to get debt advice. CAP is an excellent organisation that has helped people I know - though often have waiting lists.

Is he claiming relevant benefits for him/his sister?

You need to get it all out on the table, work out what is owed, what is being spent, what is coming in and what needs to be repaid. Critically, is the debt getting bigger or smaller?

It's actually pretty sensible to consolidate debts to take advantage of a lower interest rate if one partner is able to obtain it.

The money problem might be quite straightforward to sort but you need to start being honest with each other.

You need a reality check if you're married and contributing nothing then yes you need to start paying at least half/taking on more and then consider back pay if he struggling. You're meant to be in a partnership. Sounds like you're married but haven't fully grasped the role of partnership

This is the weirdest set up. How are you married?

So, your husband has lost income through covid, and is supporting 3 adults, while you save your salary. DH is now struggling to pay for everything, and you arent helping out? You have benifited massively from moving in with him, and he hasnt seen any of the benifit?

The pair of you need to sit down and discuss money. The good, the bad and the ugly. And come up with a plan so everyone has access to what they need. It is crazy that one of you is saving (pretty much your entire salary!?) while the other struggles to pay off debt.

Sorry but how are you currently not spending anything and saving all your salary. Is your DH paying all the bills and buying the food, running a car etc. All this adds up every month.

You are married, joint money, surely.