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Original poster

Lending spouse money

174 replies

crossroads1 · 20/03/2021 02:30

I’m a newly wed (4 months). Before we got married dh had told me he has loans/debts but is taking care of them.

Since corona and his work getting less he is more stressed with his financial situation and said he needs help. I already have taken out a loan in my name for him but now I have a feeling he will ask me to borrow him some money.

I don’t want to give it - I feel like I’ve been misled. I already took the loan out for him as I was getting a better rate but I have saved my money since I’ve worked and I feel I’m getting the short straw. Ever since we’ve been married it’s been grim add in lockdown it’s a recipe for disaster. I have savings and he has none.

Would you lend your dh large sums of money, and so early on? I feel this resentment brewing inside of me - I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.

OP posts:
BehindMyEyes · 20/03/2021 11:30

[quote crossroads1]@MooseBeTimeForSummer good idea - I haven’t said where the savings are. But because I’m not spending anything atm he knows my salary is all being saved.

How do I get out of that one? He’ll be able to have an approximate guess of my wage etc[/quote]
You need to be paying towards rent and bills - why would you not be ?

sammylady37 · 20/03/2021 11:32

You are an absolute parasite, and if you were male this thread would be full of cocklodger comments.

You’re earning twice what he earns, you contribute nothing whatsoever to living costs, you save all your salary and he has no access to that, he is supporting you and his disabled sister as well as himself, his work is drying up and all you’re worried about is yourself? Out of interest, did you use the phrase “for richer, for poorer” in your marriage vows, and if so did you mean it?

I think you should leave him. Not because you’re being hard done by, but because he would be much better off without you and your attitude to him.

plumplestiltskin · 20/03/2021 11:35

You earn double what he does, yet you don't contribute to household bills, and you're complaining that he's telling you he needs financial help?

Give your head a wobble, OP.

Eviebeans · 20/03/2021 11:35

On the one hand you absolutely should be paying your fair share towards all household costs. On the other hand that won't make a dent in a n 18 k debt. If you're feeling resentful after four months it can only get worse. You say it's his place - is he renting? The reality is that his debt will have an impact on your joint finances/lives going forward.
My nan used to say when money worries come through the door love flies out the window and it's true.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2021 11:38

His living expenses are high because you don't contribute to them.

You are able to save because you pay no rent or bills.

Surely nobody is so thick or self involved they can't work out that's why their partner is struggling to stay afloat financially?!

He didn't want you to pay rent or bills. You're an adult. You should have said no that's ridiculous, I'm perfectly capable of contributing and we are a team so I'll pay £xxx a month, won't take no for an answer.

By not paying bills or rent you are saving at least what, £800 a month? That you would have to fork out if you paid your own way in rent and bills if you were single.

The audacity of you bemoaning his financial situation while you live in his home rent and bills free, earning considerably more is baffling.

Your savings exist because you don't pay rent and bills like other adults.

Grow up and stop being so selfish.

Comtesse · 20/03/2021 11:41

Hmm you should pay your way no doubt. But I wouldn’t be using savings to bail him out of previous debt.

giao · 20/03/2021 11:44

The OP had a thread on 16th Feb that makes all of this a lot clearer.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/03/2021 11:46

On the one hand you absolutely should be paying your fair share towards all household costs. On the other hand that won't make a dent in a n 18 k debt.

Well it will make a dent, because he will have some money to start paying it off rather than struggling each month while OP saves because he is covering her outgoings...

If you add up how much rent she could have paid each month over the last four months (say £600 pcm) that's £2400 towards paying back his debt that her partner wouldn't have had otherwise. A decent dent no? And still a bloody good deal for rent and bills for OP.

ChronicallyCurious · 20/03/2021 11:47

He’s your husband, in debt and you aren’t paying him anything towards rent and bills Confused

Insist that you pay your fair share. Don’t lend him any money from your savings but say I am giving you x amount every month to pay for myself. I can’t believe you’re not paying your way and watching him struggle. He’s literally telling you he needs help. You don’t need to pay off his debts but you do need to pay for yourself.

Crimeismymiddlename · 20/03/2021 11:57

At first I was baffled that you would marry someone with clear money problems. Then I read that you earn twice as much as him, moved into his property and don’t pay anything into the family pot, while he is looking after his sister and you, while squirrelling all your wages into savings. Yet you are genuinely complaining that he is struggling and think he will steal your money. Pay your way, help your husband and be an equal partnership-it’s not the 1950’s. He is telling you he needs help and you are ignoring him. In effect you are stealing from him, if you were a man you would get no sympathy on this board and would be called a cocklodger.
Also, as an aside, you say you want a nice, comfortable life with children not wanting for anything yet you married a man who you had to take an 18 grand loan for-make better decisions and don’t just float into things like you have. It was clear how things were going to go.

HollowTalk · 20/03/2021 12:00

You are in a right mess now. That £18k debt is in your name. Do you really think he would repay that if you divorced?

knittingaddict · 20/03/2021 12:04

@youshallnotpass9

A few questions for the OP

I feel like I’ve been misled.
Is this because he said he would pay for everything?

I have savings and he has none.
Because he pays for everything and you pay for nothing?

I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.
Because you pay no bills?

I don’t know the exact figure of the debt
Why didn't you ask?

I have a lot of savings and a decent job. I didn’t work hard to pay off someone else’s bad decisions
Yet he is working hard so you can save

but he keeps saying he needs help
Like maybe you paying some bills?

I’ve moved into his place I’m not paying any rent to him or bills - he’s quite proud that way
Proud enough for you not to pay bills but not proud enough to ask you for a loan?

He already knows I don’t like discussing money- we have separate accounts
You dont like discussing money, but you need to and I bet you have separate accounts, because he pays all the bills. Does he know how much you earn?

Either this is a reverse or a troll, because no one is that naive or dense but I have really bad insomnia

I agree with this.

I read the titles on some of these threads and don't really understand this way of thinking. Maybe it's my age, but marriage is sharing to me. Sharing, time, space and finances. The op's financial arrangements seem more off than most.

florapalmer · 20/03/2021 12:05

I don't think I've ever read a stranger post on here to do with marital finances. Either you want to be a team with him and contribute properly to your life together, or you don't. Both of those options are absolutely valid, but a scenario where you get to save all your salary and pay nothing towards living expenses, whilst begrudging him the financial help he has asked for is just fucking bizarre.

When I started reading I expected to have full sympathy with you as a woman with a DH who is crap with money and expecting you to sort out his mess and pay his debts for him (been there, done that). But actually all you have done is take out a loan, which he is paying, not unusual in a marriage where one of you has a better credit rating than the other. Whilst not contributing a penny to day to day living expenses.

It feels like you thought this marriage would put you in a significantly better position financially than you were and now it hasn't you don't want to be in it any more. So leave. If you really do love him and he's a good man that's just got himself in a bit of a mess that he needs your help with, stay and make a plan to deal with it together. You seem to want the financial upside of being married to him without any of the downside.

knittingaddict · 20/03/2021 12:05

@giao

The OP had a thread on 16th Feb that makes all of this a lot clearer.
Of to read. Thanks.
knittingaddict · 20/03/2021 12:06

Off

freeingNora · 20/03/2021 12:16

Woah and now he's entitled to half of everything you have. Sounds like he saw you coming I'd get out now while it's still very new

amc8583 · 20/03/2021 12:18

If I'm honest, there seems to be a lot secrets. Your marriage is so new and discussions about money is something which should be had before you marry. I understand all marriages are different but there doesn't sound like there is much togetherness apart from the fact he pays the rent and bills etc for you both.

Sakurami · 20/03/2021 12:37

Is this a joke? He pays for everything, you pay nothing and your earn twice as much? And he also supports his disabled sister. He sounds amazing and I don't know what on earth is wrong with you.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 20/03/2021 12:43

I’ve been married for two months longer than you...

But I can’t imagine having done it without a full understanding of finances.

Have you got a prenup, so it just doesn’t matter as much?

Honestly this is insane. You’ve borrowed £18k to plug a hole that you have no idea about. He could owe anyone anything. And you’ve shared your assets with him by marrying him...

This is genuinely mind blowing.

Everythingiswonderful · 20/03/2021 12:45

[quote crossroads1]@LannieDuck there’s no champagne lifestyle believe you me... as much as I’d like it we’ve never done anything fancy. All his focus is trying to stay afloat because his outgoings are a lot every month it basically leaves him with ziltch

I have an itch that the money I’m saving by not contributing will later on be used as collateral. Marriage really isn’t what I thought it’d be[/quote]
So start paying your way then! You cannot carry on letting him pay all rent & bills whilst you build your savings. I can’t believe you think that is okay.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/03/2021 12:49

What an odd post. Your DH is supporting you and his disabled sister on a small and dwindling salary and you are paying nothing toward this? You need to start contributing to the day the day costs right now. You are married you have a joint responsibility to contribute to the costs of running the home. Getting him to set out his monthly outgoings and then pay half of those. That will be a good start.

Everythingiswonderful · 20/03/2021 12:49

@giao

The OP had a thread on 16th Feb that makes all of this a lot clearer.
I just read it Shock
trevorandsimon · 20/03/2021 13:15

But why in earth are you not paying half the bills?! You should be paying half of everything! I can't believe you are moaning about him, it should be the other way around. Pay half the bills and then he would have money to service the debt. You can't have it both ways, are you crazy?!

KeyboardMash · 20/03/2021 13:24

This is hands down the most bizarre financial setup I have ever heard of in my life. You took out a massive loan while putting most of your salary into savings? Why?! You don't specify you're in the UK, but presuming that: interest rates are crazy low right now. Your debt is more expensive than your savings are profitable. Taking on debt whilst you have wads of cash lying around doing nothing is frankly batshit. Quite apart from the his house/my savings/his debt/my loan madness. I'm reasonably confident that, as you're married, all that is now technically shared anyway....?

MrsRockAndRoll · 20/03/2021 13:30

@pitterpatterrain

I’m still stuck at the starters line

How do you get married to someone without sharing 1) what you earn 2) your financial position whether savings or debt 3) agreeing how you want to manage finances 4) some level of discussion about the future and your aspirations

This