Lending spouse money

[crossroads1]

I’m a newly wed (4 months). Before we got married dh had told me he has loans/debts but is taking care of them.

Since corona and his work getting less he is more stressed with his financial situation and said he needs help. I already have taken out a loan in my name for him but now I have a feeling he will ask me to borrow him some money.

I don’t want to give it - I feel like I’ve been misled. I already took the loan out for him as I was getting a better rate but I have saved my money since I’ve worked and I feel I’m getting the short straw. Ever since we’ve been married it’s been grim add in lockdown it’s a recipe for disaster. I have savings and he has none.

Would you lend your dh large sums of money, and so early on? I feel this resentment brewing inside of me - I wanted to marry someone on a level playing field but now it looks like I have to bail him out.

[quote crossroads1]@PegasusReturns I feel really torn. On the one hand he’s lovely and i know he is completely stressed. He says I shouldn’t have married him and that I’d have a better life with someone who can treat me better.[/quote]
To be honest, I think he might find someone who would treat him better if you left.

He is supporting a disabled sister, with diminishing income / work due to the pandemic, and he's now got a wife who expects him to totally support her despite the fact she earns more than him anyway. I am really hoping that this is a wind up, because loan or no loan, he deserves better than this. You do not appear to be mature enough to be living with someone, never mind married to them.

Basically his financial situation is worsened by you not paying your way

I don't think this is the response you wanted from the many many posters. There are so many gaps in your story. He's probably going to ask for money because he simply can't cope on his own whilst you save all your earnings and don't contribute at all!

Just what were your expectations of marriage?
That your husband would provide everything?
It’s absolutely bonkers that you’re aren’t contributing to rent / mortgage / bills / food etc.... and then wonder why your husband has no money, and your savings are increasing.
And then ponder .... maybe marriage isn’t for me. Totally baffling.

Did you live together before getting married? If you have a decent job, haven't paid any bills and have barely spent because of COVID, you have probably saved something in the region of £18k. I understand you not wanting to lose all your savings to debt when you have worked hard, but he is 'saving' you a lot of money each month by paying for everything. I think you should use these extra savings to pay off some of the loans, maybe starting with the one in your name.

No wonder he's skint, he's housing and providing for his mother and his freeloading wife, and also helping out family members with money.

Having now read your previous thread perhaps you should head over to a sugar daddies dating site, and let this poor guy find a nicer wife who isn't abusive to him for lack of wedding presents from his side and not providing her with the "finer things in life".

Well spill @Everythingiswonderful

The more the OP drip feeds the better this bloke sounds.

“To be honest, I think he might find someone who would treat him better if you left.

He is supporting a disabled sister, with diminishing income / work due to the pandemic, and he's now got a wife who expects him to totally support her despite the fact she earns more than him anyway. I am really hoping that this is a wind up, because loan or no loan, he deserves better than this. You do not appear to be mature enough to be living with someone, never mind married to them.”

This with bells on. Is this a wind-up, OP, because your attitude is incomprehensible?

I read the thread from 16th February and I'm even more shocked by you. I feel sorry for your poor husband and he can do much better

This isn't a marriage. I think you need to get divorced and both start again and normally I am a huge advocate of working on a marriage but I don't think you are willing to do the work it would take.

I stand by my earlier posts, but I think you need to be honest.

You should be contributing to living expenses. Obviously you've obtained an £18k loan. Perhaps view part of that as a lump sum up front contribution.

It seems you're not over an ex and perhaps have rushed into marriage, without doing the necessary preparation (being open about finances, life expectations etc) regret your decision and are looking for a reason/explanation to walk away.

You mention you didn't live together prior for cultural reasons. Presumably you feel reluctant to end the relationship due to similar pressure? It wouldn't really be fair to lay all blame on him because you're also culpable here for not taking the time to see whether you were compatible with him.

Why arent you paying towards your living expenses?

Can you imagine this the other way round?

"My new husband has moved in but isnt paying anything towards the house or bills. I have debts that were previously under control but with Covid, my work has dried up and I'm struggling to make all my repayments. I also care for my disabled sister who cant contribute financially."

The advice would 100% be the husband should be contributing so why arent you?

Why arent you paying towards your living expenses?

Can you imagine this the other way round?

"My new husband has moved in but isnt paying anything towards the house or bills. I have debts that were previously under control but with Covid, my work has dried up and I'm struggling to make all my repayments. I also care for my disabled sister who cant contribute financially."

The advice would 100% be the husband should be contributing so why arent you?

Earlier threads are odd, too - are they about the same guy, OP?

Clearly your DH is hopeless at managing finances, OP. Now that you're married, I think the wisest course would be for you to take over the reins and manage your joint finances. Your DH will have to agree of course, but this will need to be a non-negotiable condition of you bailing him out.

Both of your salaries need to be paid into an account to which he (at least temporarily) has no access. An agreed amount of "spending money" will be transferred by standing order each month into his account, for him to waste on whatever.

You manage the remainder, paying off his debts at a sensible rate and then once they're paid off, saving for the future.

Hopefully, your DH will learn a little more restraint in the future and you might then wish to change the set up.

@Ganasha

Oh no. You shouldn’t have got married!! You’re now responsible for his debts! You’d better go see a solicitor now and get advice as to what happens if you split. I’m thinking you’d best get the marriage annulled or do whatever you can to get out of this. You don’t have to split up but get out of the marriage. Oh god. What have you done! Go get some advice. You took out a 18k loan!! Noooooooo

This 🌺

Horrendous. I feel so sorry for him. If I was you, I would be just figuring out what your share of the rent and bills should be (twice his apparently) and transferring it to his account.

You are leaching this man dry and he's apparently too proud to say anything but has clearly asked for help.

Stop putting your money into savings and pay your way. He is already caring for his sister.

You have mentioned taking out the loan but he is the one paying it back. In reality he should have just went to StepChange but he didn't.

It feels like you're sitting watching him drown and wondering if you should help or row away.

Be very very careful OP. My exH had lots of debt that I was unaware of when we married - it all came out after a year. I was like you, careful to always save and be sensible with my spending, to help create a comfortable future for us. I helped him to pay off the debts and he did pay me back (it was part of the deal agreed upfront) but he just ended up getting into debt again. I divorced him at that point, and looking back I realise that bailing him out meant he never took responsibility for his actions. He later admitted he resented me for having savings and being able to help him out - wtf?!

Having a different approach to finances is a showstopper, and common reason for divorce. You have polar opposite approaches to money, and will spend the rest of your life worrying about money because of him. Is that the life you want? If not, think carefully about staying with him. Life can be difficult enough without one half of the couple making it harder with reckless spending, when it doesn’t have to be like that.

And also what @Ganasha said, 100%

This is not good.

Do you have some kind prior financial written agreement before marrying him?
If not then you're married - there is legally no such thing as his money and your money - it's now combined.

How did you pay for your wedding? Did he contribute - if so why would be get married before clearing his debt - speaks volumes. Sounds like he's been terrible at money management for years.

There are ways of hiding your savings so he can't reach them if you decide to divorce him - it doesn't take much of a google.

I feel sorry for the OP’s husband.

OP, as other posters have already said, you need to be paying your way. That means that bills are covered in proportion to your respective incomes.

How the hell did you manage to get this far through life with your over-entitled attitude?

@crossroads1 no of course you should not be lending him money. You are married and as a couple do not have financial worries. Get a joint bank account get the debt cleared and grow up a bit.

Can we get a link to the previous thread? I don't know how to find it

There's a lot that doesn't add up about yout previous threads.

When did you and your husband get together? What has happened to his other properties? What happened to the property you owned with a £900pm mortgage?