Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you want to know

195 replies

Conneduzzled · 19/03/2021 18:54

So discovered he was married and now being given some sob story about how it was over years ago, living separately, not sleeping together, haven’t in years, we put up a United front for the DCs who are now adults, (but now suddenly is getting divorced) etc etc etc please don’t leave me please don’t tell her as I’ve so much to lose if they all finds out during the divorce finalisation Dcs will be upset and on it goes..

I’m indifferent at this point, once a liar and all that, actually that’s a lie I’m numb and I’m in shock but do I just walk away with my head held high...or do I break the unfortunate news. I’ve no wish for revenge but I hate the fact that he withholds information and keeps everyone in the dark. It’s some sort of control thing I think. At this point I think a dignified silence is best. We have been dating for 2 years.

Help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 29/03/2021 12:55

@gonnabeok

I am still struggling to believe how he hoodwinked me. If you don’t mind me asking what did he make up?

OP posts:
Lovedove · 29/03/2021 12:59

Op what are your reasons for not contacting his wife? I’m really struggling to understand. If it’s because you believe him, you need a head wobble

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 29/03/2021 13:01

I don’t believe him, I’ve ended it.

OP posts:
Lovedove · 29/03/2021 13:14

Why wouldn’t you let the wife know though? Save her at least.

crackingcrackers · 29/03/2021 13:23

I would let her know. I would want to know. Do you know for sure that he is divorcing? Is everything just his say so?

He hoodwinked you because you trusted him, which is a normal thing to do. Unfortunately, he's not a nice person and undeserving of that trust. I'm sorry that he's made you feel so awful.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 29/03/2021 13:26

As I have said I want nothing to do with any of it right now. I am trying to get my head around certain things so exposing him for the lying pod he is not my priority, my priority is to try and understand what I need to do next to sort my life out. Her welfare is HIS concern as she is HIS wife not mine.

There are also things I need to understand in order to move on as fast as possible.

Nobody has any STIs I have had regular check ups in the two years we were together as I’ve always been like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 29/03/2021 13:26

@crackingcrackers thank you, I feel like I’m going mad with all the unanswered questions

OP posts:
ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 29/03/2021 13:28

I'd want to know if my partner cheated but if I was in your situation and genuinely wasn't aware he was leading a double life I'd walk away instantly. I wouldn't tell the wife, I couldn't hurt her that way.

Windmillwhirl · 29/03/2021 13:28

I smell bs. What a total scumbag. Why hide you from everyone for 2 years if they were getting divorced?

Would I tell? Probably yes as I'd want to know in her shoes and to be honest I am very suspicious divorce is even in the cards. If they are technically separated what difference does it make if he has a new partner?

gonnabeok · 29/03/2021 13:32

He told her that we had separated (rubbish) were only together for my daughter and slept in different rooms (rubbish), he told her that when our daughter was old enough he was leaving (news to me!) he told her that he was on holiday on his own with our daughter (twice)(funny that, because I was in the photographs and sat next to him on the plane) & it was during the second holiday I caught him out.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 29/03/2021 14:43

@gonnabeok

I’m so sorry. What a prick.

OP posts:
gutful · 30/03/2021 08:14

“ thank you, I feel like I’m going mad with all the unanswered questions”

Imagine how is wife feels Hmm

Anne1958 · 30/03/2021 08:22

OP, you can believe nothing this man says and I’d put money on his wife having an inkling something is going on and torturing herself to try and find out what it is that she just can’t put her finger on. I speak from experience even down to different cities being involved for work reasons.

Tell the woman and let her decide how she wants her life to pan out in the future.

Alittlelouder · 30/03/2021 08:29

I would tell her, it might give her the anger she needs to fight for everything she's entitled to. I can see why this isn't your priority though, you must be reeling.

TeaAndWaffles · 30/03/2021 08:37

I would definitely want to know. At least then I'll be able to make an informed decision and possibly get my ducks in a row. Far better than finding out months/years later and have to go through the humiliation of knowing that my partner was still having sex with me, using my money, and letting me care about them like a fool while they have someone else on the side.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 30/03/2021 09:11

@gutful this isn’t my doing I had no idea so you sting that makes me feel like he did saying it would be my fault if she was told and upset. Nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conneduzzled · 30/03/2021 09:25

@alittlelouder yes definitely not my priority at all and everything is split 50/50 and children all work themselves. There is no disruption to any arrangements as they won’t have to move. Things just carry on as they were apparently. I won’t be part of it of course.

@TeaAndWaffles she’s never worked and they live in different cities.

At the end of the day the responsibility is on him and I am really uncomfortable with being told I’m a terrible person if I don’t tell her, as I said earlier it’s the same as him saying I’m terrible if I do tell her. This isn’t my mess to clean up.

I had no fucking clue so I don’t owe any of them anything. I read in another thread earlier some other woman who unwittingly found out she was an OW just bowed out gracefully from all of it. It doesn’t mean I don’t have questions. I must have also had an inkling in the same way his wife did as I’ve gone through all the messages and there were a few moments I felt uneasy.

Again to clarify he is in the city we live in the majority of the time and goes back for holidays like Christmas and birthdays. He’s here on the weekends etc etc.

I’m not making excuses but there are certain facts which seem to be ignored now.

OP posts:
Lovedove · 30/03/2021 09:34

You not telling his wife is annoying so I’ll now out of this discussion.

Original poster
Conneduzzled · 30/03/2021 09:37

What so I drag my name through the mud after getting involved in something I had no knowledge of? No thanks.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 30/03/2021 10:24

I think whether or not to tell his wife is a very difficult decision and understand your reluctance, Conne. Whatever you decide you will wonder if was the right decision.

If the man finds someone else and carries on as he did with you, ie if it is a pattern of behaviour, she will find out sooner or later. However he might not and you will never know. His wife and family may be happy so no point in disturbing that. Whichever way, you will gain nothing from it.

Just move on, you were not at fault here. Better things are in store for you. Good luck.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread